“I thought it’d be a good idea for you to give me some tips on how to handle this relationship, since she’s a little afraid of being physical and this is my first real relationship since…everything.” Aaron waved his right hand wishing for the thousandth time that he could simply brush off the hell he’d created. “I just need to know how to keep her safe.” And who to keep her safe from.

Dec was a sex therapist by trade. Letting people ease into discussing things they knew a great deal about made them feel safe. Americans who felt safe often gave up information they hadn’t intended to. Europeans in general were different, and Brits were no exception. It took a little more to get them to divulge personal information, but he was up to the task.

“Did Natalie ask you to keep her safe or did she ask you to introduce her to the finer points in lovemaking?”

“I care about Nat, more than I care about most anyone out here. We’ve been friends for a while. You know that. Whether we sleep together or not, it has nothing to do with the fact that I will always make sure she is safe physically, mentally, and emotionally. Didn’t you teach me that trying to be something I’m not is an exercise in futility? I’m being me.”

“I know. And I can help you handle a sexual relationship with a victim of assault if you’d like to discuss that instead of something I simply cannot and will not tell you.”

“Fine, but before we discuss any of that, I do need to know if she is in any danger. You don’t have to tell me from who, or from what, but I will not let anyone hurt her.” The word assault shot bile from his gut to his throat. He welcomed the burn. It drove him. Telling the informant all they didn’t have to share occasionally helped get the information you needed them to tell you.

“Natalie is not in any imminent danger that I am aware of. The likelihood that what happened to her would ever be repeated is infinitesimal by my estimations. The person who hurt her will never be allowed back on the ranch. Do remember that she has an extremely protective family all of whom would lay down their lives to save hers. Perhaps even more importantly, you need to remember that Natalie is a force unto herself. She never gives away anything she isn’t willing to share. If she asked you to be romantically involved in her life, that says a great deal about how much she trusts you.”

Aaron sure as hell knew that Natalie was fierce. It was one of the many things he adored about her, but infinitesimal wasn’t small enough, not by a long shot. And he had just been handed actionable intel he could make use of. Back on the ranch. Wasn’t that interesting? Sick bastard, I’m coming for you.

His goal remained in the forefront of his mind, but he needed Dec to believe that he was moving on now that he’d been assured Natalie was safe. “I want off the meds, both of them.”

Dec tried to hide his grin and pull on his standard concerned expression anytime Aaron brought this up. “I take it the side effects aren’t something you’re willing to gamble on with Natalie?”

“Damn straight. I hate them anyway.” That was God’s honest truth.

“You’ve already worked yourself down to your current doses every other day. The next step is yours to take, but I do need to warn you the nightmares and panic attacks could become more frequent off of the meds. If you’re determined to come off of them, you might need to find other ways to handle those.”

Aaron hated the weakness he associated with needing the pills. He loathed that he’d ever required them in the first place. The way they muted the world around him wasn’t worth it. He’d deal. He had to be all in when he was with Natalie.

He wanted to experience every shiver of her sweet little body, feel her breath on his skin, taste the hunger on her lips. He was determined to see the trust in her eyes that he’d somehow build. He needed to see the streaks of warmth he could summon with a touch, the wet heat he would draw from her, and her pussy swollen and greedy for his cock. He’d gladly take his table in hell to memorize the tight slick space between her thighs that he was going to make all his own. Choking back a ravenous groan from the thought alone, he knew Satan had nothing on what men could do to each other anyway. “I’ll work out more. That helps.”

“That’s good. You might find that sex solves myriad problems, as well.”

“Yeah, well, we’re taking this slowly, so it’ll be a while before I know just how much that’s gonna help.”

“Taking things slowly is an excellent idea. You could also come in more often if you find yourself needing a little additional help.”

“We’ll see. I’m worried about her. I’ll deal with whatever happens to me.”

“Soldier through and through.”

“I know what it’s like to have some tiny ridiculous thing send you reeling into a flashback. I won’t put her through that. I just need to know if there’s anything I shouldn’t do with her?” He went on and called himself an asshole. He did want the answer to his question because he couldn’t go on living with himself if he did anything that dropped her off the spiraling cliff of doom he’d climbed out of too fucking many times to count, but his motivation was twofold. What exactly did the person who’d been on Camden Ranch when Natalie was a little girl do to her?

“As you know flashbacks can be triggered from any number of places. A sight, a smell, a noise, a completely unrelated situation, a single word that prods the wound in your subconscious. Since you’ve been back on American soil, no one has done any of the things that happened to you while you were in the Middle East, however, you’ve had some pretty terrorizing memories surface. If Natalie flashes back to her attack, it is not in any way your fault, and you are probably the best person to help talk her off the ledge.”

Dec always referred to PTSD as a wound. That’s why Aaron continued to see him. Dec’s degrees were worth quite a bit, he supposed. He knew the trauma was some kind of infection no one could reach to cut away. He knew that hell changes a man, changes who they were, who they are, and worst of all, changes everything they’d ever hoped to be.

“I will also point out that psychological traumas are not signs of weakness. They are signs of unfathomable strength. She gets up every morning, faces her fears, climbs on her horse and deals. Exactly the way you get up every morning and do the things you do to get through the day. You’ll find that women with the highest, most reinforced walls often have the deepest amount to give this life. If you’ll give her a little time and make certain you never break the trust she’s extended you, if you can really make her feel safe in your presence, it could be life changing for both of you.”

The words sank slowly through Aaron’s mind. He tried to make sense of them. His shoulders eased of their own accord. The concept that Natalie wanted to share herself with him finally settled squarely in his chest, bringing warmth to the constant chill he’d carried for so damn long. The battered remains of his heart managed each beat with slightly more ease. “Okay, fine, tell me the best way to give her what she needs from me. Tell me how to make her feel safe.”

“You and I both know consent is a very sexy thing, but for someone with Natalie’s past it is absolutely crucial that you have her permission to be in any kind of physical contact with her.”

“I’d figured that much out myself, Doc. Shocked the hell out of me when she kissed me last night. I thought I was going to have to sit on my hands to keep from touching her.”

“You might find yourself in that position several times over the next few weeks.”

“I figure it’s not medically possible to die from a hard-on, so I’ll deal. I’ll never go into another mission I don’t know I can handle. I’ve got this. Just thought you could give me a few specific directives.”

“I’m going to take this opportunity to encourage you not to think of Natalie as a mission. You don’t need a briefing on having a relationship.”

“It’s sure as hell not something I’ve ever done before. Hookups and hangouts I ultimately worked into hookups are the only things I’ve ever accomplished with women. This is different. Nat’s different.” This was going to be more.

“Good. Because hookups are highly overrated and you both deserve better.”

“I told her that last night. Told her we weren’t just going to sleep together, that we were going to figure out couple-shit to do, too.”

“And she said?”

“That she’d liked dating me.” Choking back the rest of her confession, he refused to admit to Dec that he’d scared her in the past.

“Then you’re already ahead of the game, aren’t you? Figuring out what she likes to do when you’re together will ultimately help you build a relationship beyond the physical one both of you are seeking. Reaching deep and going after her heart will get you what you’re wanting. If you don’t want her to be afraid, teach her to trust you outside of your bedroom first.”

“Yeah, that was already in my plan.”

“Care to elaborate on this plan?”

“I was an intelligence officer, Doc, and I definitely consider that need to know information.”

“I see. Might I ask if you intend to tell Natalie about Najaf?”

Ire streaked up Aaron’s chest singeing his throat. “Why in God’s name would I do that?”

“You want her to tell you about what happened to her.”

“The last information exchange I involved myself in lost me seven members of my team.”

“I see, so you really just want me to tell you things you likely already know. A bath after her first time will help the tenderness. To make certain she’s with you and not back in dark memories either visibly or by her telling you she is whenever she’s in bed with you. A great deal of foreplay and lube might make things easier. Those were the kinds of directives you were after, correct?”

“Something wrong with that?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe you played Dom at a few sex clubs in Europe several years ago. I am not worried about your ability to make love with Natalie. I’m worried about the highly unsteady psychological and emotional ground both of you will be walking. Let me make this clear, I’m almost more worried about you than I am about her.”

“I’m in this. We’ll make it work.”

“Before you go into this be aware that sexual fantasies often hold the very thing the mind needs to heal. Keep that in mind for both of you.”

“Are you ever going to tell me what you and Aaron did last night or am I going to have to tickle it out of you?” Holly threatened Natalie while they mucked horse stalls that afternoon.

“There’s nothing to tell. We didn’t do anything.”

“So, you just came home in his truck an hour after I left Saddleback’s? You sat in silence and did nothing else?”

Natalie rolled her eyes. “We talked.”

“About?”

“None of your business, Holl.”

“Come on. I’m dying over here. I’m your baby sister. You have to tell me.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Are you dating again?”

“You’re not going to drop this are you?”

“Nope.”

“Fine. Yes, we’re dating again.” That odd sizzle of heat shimmered under her skin again as she made the confession. Natalie desperately needed to know what about dating Aaron was causing that. Every time she’d thought about him, her body reacted oddly. Her heart beat too fast. Her skin took on a hunger for his touch. The wet heat she was somewhat accustomed to gathered in her panties. Her mind flew into overdrive. Her ears longed to hear him make that grunting groan he’d made in the truck the night before. Once they slept together, would all of that go away? She debated asking Holly but couldn’t bring herself to say any of it out loud.

“You kept staring off into space today while we were working. You know if a cowgirl thinks about a guy while she’s on the back of her horse he has to be important.”

“He is important.”

“How important?”

“I’m going home now.”

“Because you’re going to Saddlebacks? Want me to come? I can be your wing-woman.”

“Officially on my nerves, Holly.”

“I am one and a half semesters away from being a full-fledged sex therapist. Let me help you.”

“I don’t need anyone’s help. Would you stop trying to fix me?” That last phrase escaped Natalie’s mouth without her permission. Sinking her teeth into her bottom lip another round of self-hatred filled her. Why was she always such a bitch whenever she thought about any of this? “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” It wasn’t okay. Defeat broadcast from her sister’s features, darker duplicates of her own. “I don’t think anything is wrong with you, Nat. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

That was also a lie. She knew what had happened. The final occurrence it had been her scream for their daddy that had stopped things from going further. It had also stopped it from ever happening again. Her little sister had been her saving grace.

“It’s fine. I know you’re only trying to help. Uh…” Natalie searched for something she could share with Holly to suture the wound she’d inflicted. “I can’t seem to stop thinking about him, actually.”

“That’s a good thing.” The sparkle returned to Holly’s eyes and a grin climbed across her face. “Anything specific?”

Remembering that she owed her sister for so many things, Natalie succumbed to her fate. “I really like his neck and his forearms and the way he does this thing with his lips that isn’t actually a smile or a smirk. It’s like a combo of the two but better. So, there is actually something wrong with me because that can’t possibly be normal.”

There were so many other things about Aaron that she found fascinating, but the way he listened to her, the way nothing ever seemed to frighten him, the low throaty notes of his voice that had taken on the consistency of gravel the night before when he’d told her that he thought about having sex with her, and the way his capable hands made her feel safe instead of terrified just weren’t things she wanted to share even with her sister. They were her own. A private sanctuary he didn’t even know he constructed for her every time they were together. A place she went in her head whenever the world was simply more than she had the willpower to deal with anymore.

Holly’s giggle eased a little of the strain between them. “Sorry to tell you this, sis, but you’re completely normal. A bad boy with good lips is hard to resist. Believe me, I would know.”

“I really don’t want to hear about your fascination with Dec’s lips. Thanks though.”

“His lips, the tattoo over his collarbone, and that place under his jaw where his beard is somehow a little scruffier.”

“Are what?” Natalie immediately regretted asking. The next pause in conversation she needed to escape. She didn’t even have anything to discuss with Holly yet. It had taken a dizzying amount of courage to brush a kiss on his stubbled cheek the night before. She hadn’t come up with another way to communicate that she wasn’t afraid of him before he’d dropped her off. She’d been aiming for his lips, and in her complete ineptitude had gotten his cheek. Stupid nerves.

“The first things I noticed about Dec that night in the bar.”

For some reason, Natalie’s brain failed to get the message to her mouth to stop talking. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.” The excitement in her sister’s tone shot another round of regret through Natalie’s veins. “That’s the whole reason we’re still in the barn.”

“Right. I just wondered if you slept with Dec on your first date or whatever? Did you go home with him from that bar?” I know you did because you’re not afraid. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why had she even asked?

“No.”

“You didn’t?”

Holly shook her head. “I offered, but he turned me down.”

“You’re such a liar. You two are like rabbits. I don’t believe he ever turned you down for anything.”

“Now we are, but he had a lot he had to deal with, Nat. Everyone has issues. We worked through them. We were actually on a one-week rule.”

“What’s a one-week rule?”

“No sex for the first week we dated.”

“Oh.” A cold wave of dread speared through her stomach as Natalie tried to determine if she’d be prepared to go through with this in one week’s time. Is that what Aaron thought would happen? Was one-week a thing? Is that what everyone else did, everyone who wasn’t afraid?

“It doesn’t have to be a week. It can be as long as you and Aaron want it to be.”

Natalie assumed it was a testament of their bond and the mastery of her classes that had Holly reading her mind

“Yeah, I know.” Stowing the brushes on the tack shelves kept Natalie from having to look her sister in the eye.

“Do something for me.”

“What?” She prayed whatever Holly wanted would be something she could provide.

“Don’t push yourself to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. He’ll be patient with you. I know Aaron’s going to understand a lot more than you think he will.”