Lauren sat in shock for what felt like hours. She’d gone and ruined everything for everyone. There wasn’t any way around that.
But why did it matter so much to her? Why couldn’t she just leave Shane to his secrets and move on? And why did the thought of leaving rip her heart in two?
It’s the dogs, she told herself. I love those dogs. They need me, and I need them.
Maybe she could find a new position as handler for a different, more even-tempered racer. She doubted Shane would give her a good recommendation after tonight’s showdown—and she could hardly blame him.
Ridiculous or not, the man had his boundaries, and she’d tried far too many times to cross them. This was what she deserved, and if she was being honest with herself, it would have happened sooner or later anyway.
This was why Lauren had always found it difficult to figure out what she wanted from life. The things she felt most passionate about in one moment often ended up as flavor of the month rather than a lasting taste. It wasn’t healthy, and it wasn’t good for anybody—least of all herself.
Up here in the wilds of Alaska, she’d learned a hard lesson at the hands of Shane Ramsey, and now it was time to move on to the next thing… Whatever that was.
She wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks and dragged her suitcase onto the bed so that she could pack up what was left of her life.
A soft knock sounded on the door—so soft, she couldn’t be sure she heard anything at all.
The knock came again, louder, surer. “Can I come in?” Shane’s voice floated through the door, and Lauren felt the tears well up all over again.
“Okay,” she said with a shaky voice she hardly recognized as her own.
Shane stood awkwardly in the doorway, refusing to cross the threshold, a courtesy she had failed to give him.
“Well?” she asked when he said nothing.
He talked to a spot on the floor rather than to her, but his voice was soft and kind. “I’m sorry I lost my cool in there.”
“It is what it is.” She shrugged, trying to play it cool in case he looked up and saw her patchy cheeks and red eyes. She couldn’t bring herself to apologize again because, truth be told, they’d both done wrong. He was every bit as guilty as she was in this scenario.
“Maybe,” he offered, taking a small step into the room, almost as if he were afraid to enter. They’d both said sorry, so why was he still here? She hated that he was dragging this out. She just wanted to be done; it was the only way she’d ever begin to feel better about it.
His voice faltered. “I… I didn’t mean what I said.”
“But you said it.”
“You don’t have to go.”
“You fired me, remember?”
“I do.” He paused as if rehearsing his words first in his head. “Lauren…” he started, and she wondered if she’d actually ever heard him use her name before. She liked the way it sounded coming from his mouth and realized, in that moment, he had come to mean so much more to her than just an employer, just a grump.
“Lauren,” he repeated, “I shouldn’t have made those house rules. I shouldn’t have made you feel like a stranger in a place that is supposed to be your home. I shouldn’t have lost my temper, and I shouldn’t have fired you.”
“But you did. You did all those things. Why?” Her voice started shaking again, and she wondered if he would take her into his arms to comfort her. But, no, of course not. Whatever these feelings were, they were hers and hers alone. She wasn’t sure that Shane Ramsey had ever loved anyone or anything for a single day in his miserable life.
He took another step closer and hung his head, looking up at her from beneath dark lashes. “I can’t tell you that.”
Her frustration swelled. They’d come back to this again. Even if she decided to stay, could he ever fully let her in? “Why? Why not? Why do you keep so many secrets and then expect me not to go looking for answers?”
“That’s fair,” he said. “But please understand, I just… I can’t, Lauren.” He said her name again, a supplication, a prayer for understanding.
But would she answer it?
“I don’t know, Shane.” She shook her head and returned to packing her suitcase. “Every time I think we’re making progress, something like this happens. I’m sick of feeling like an outsider, like someone you put up with because you have no choice. I know if you had it your way, you’d be fully recovered tomorrow and I’d be shipped back to New York in a heartbeat.”
He groaned and leaned back against the wall as if he suddenly couldn’t support his own weight—not even with the help of the crutches. “What did you think this was? It’s a job, one you do well, but it’s still… it’s just a job.”
“Is that all I am to you? An employee?”
“It’s all you can ever be. Please understand. It’s not you. It’s me.”
“Okay, now I’m really confused. Are you breaking up with me or firing me?”
He laughed, and it sounded unnatural in that moment. “How about neither? Please stay. The dogs need you. I need you.”
She crossed her arms and sank onto the bed, already knowing in her heart that she would stay as long as he needed her, as long as he still wanted her. “You have a funny way of showing it.”
“I know… So you’ll stay?”
“Yes, but this can’t happen again, Shane. Any sane woman would have hightailed it the moment you lost your temper like that.”
He stood upright again and came closer, but did not join her on the bed. His words were gentle as he asked, “Then why didn’t you?”
She reached up and grabbed his hand, squeezing it inside her own. “Because you’re my friend.”
He didn’t pull away, but he didn’t return the pressure either. “How did that happen?”
“I honestly have no idea, but as your friend, I’m going to call you out when you’re being an irrational jerk.”
He gave her hand a quick squeeze before letting go. “I’d expect nothing less. Will you please stop packing now?”
She zipped her suitcase shut and placed it back in the corner of the room. “Now get out of my room before I lose my temper,” she joked, feeling like a million pounds had been lifted from her shoulders.