Lauren reached the Broken Egg diner early, but her mother was earlier, waiting with two cups of coffee in a booth at the corner of the packed restaurant. There was no mistaking her. This was the woman from the picture, the woman who looked so much like an aged version of Lauren.
And apparently her mother recognized her, too. When she saw Lauren approach, she stood and wrapped her in a tight hug. “My little Lauren is not so little anymore. It’s so good to see you, sweetheart!”
Lauren stiffened in her embrace. She felt so many things being here that she couldn’t be sure which was strongest. Anger over having been abandoned? Joy at finally having a mother? She just didn’t know.
Her mother cleared her throat and motioned for Lauren to sit across from her in the booth. “You look so much like I did at your age. I’d recognize you anywhere, I think.”
Lauren stirred some creamer and sugar into her coffee and took a sip.
Her mother frowned for a moment, but then immediately forced an overly bright smile. “I’m sorry. This must be so strange for you.”
“I don’t even know what to call you,” Lauren admitted with a pert nod.
“How about mom? Or if you’re not ready for that yet, Barb?”
Lauren shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m ready for. This is all so… so much.”
“I know, dear. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”
“I’m not even sure I know that myself. Could you maybe help me understand what happened?”
Barb—it was too hard to think of this stranger as mother, not until she knew the truth—let out a long sigh, something Lauren had already noticed she did a lot. “I’m afraid that part doesn’t make me look too good. You have to understand it was a long time ago and I was very young, even younger than you are now.”
The waitress came over and brought them each a plate of blueberry pancakes. “Need anything else, dears?” she asked, unloading rolled up utensils from her apron and a handful of butter packets.
“We’re fine, thank you,” Barb answered politely. When the waitress had skittered back to the kitchen, she added, “I took a chance and assumed you might love these flapjacks as much as I do.”
Barb’s smile was contrived. She was trying way too hard, which convinced Lauren that her big reveal would be tough on the both of them.
Lauren braced herself against the booth and said as firmly as she could, “I need to know.”
The older woman sighed yet again. “I’ll tell you, but please don’t leave until I’ve told you everything.”
Lauren nodded, not knowing whether she’d be able to keep such a promise but willing to try. Barb fixed her eyes on Lauren’s stack of pancakes, which made her feel as if she couldn’t eat them. She nursed her coffee instead as she listened to the untold tale of her past unfold.
“I met your father the summer after high school. He was older, a college boy, and I was absolutely smitten. But summer came to an end, and I’d already planned to move to LA to work as a waitress while I waited to be discovered. So we broke up and I went on my merry way. A few months later, I realized I was pregnant. I didn’t want to kill it—kill you—so I figured I would give the mother thing a shot.”
Lauren hadn’t realized her parents had considered abortion, even briefly. It hurt to think she could have never been born at all, could have never had the chance to find out the truth now. Thank God for small miracles. As confusing as all of this was, at least she was here and able to hear it.
Barb reached for Lauren’s hand, which seemed like a good time to dig into her pancakes, after all.
Sigh. “Lauren, I tried. Honest to God, I tried. But I kept missing auditions, showing up late for rehearsals, and losing parts to girls who were ‘more committed.’ I loved you, but I hadn’t asked to be a mother. Meanwhile, show biz had been my lifelong dream, and I could feel it slipping away.”
Lauren popped a bite into her mouth and did her best to focus on the flavors and textures on her tongue rather than the bitter sting in her chest. Her mom hadn’t wanted her, and she had a pretty good idea of what would come next in this story. If she thought of it like a story, maybe it wouldn’t hurt quite so much. She swallowed and took another bite as Barb continued.
“So I packed you up and took you to Alaska to see if I could find your father. Since he was listed on your birth certificate, I knew it would be easier for everyone if I could convince him to take you. It wasn’t hard to find him. He was a big musher then, and I waited for him at the finish line, holding you bundled up in the cutest little snowsuit that made you look like an angel.
“He recognized me instantly and invited me for a meal to catch up on old times. I told him that you were his, showed him the birth certificate and everything, and he was a smart man. He did the math and understood. I explained that I couldn’t take care of you anymore and that I wanted to offer him the chance before giving you up for foster care.”
Foster care? It’s as if her early life had ricocheted from one bad situation to another. All things considered, she’d been very lucky to have the childhood she did. And she knew that was all thanks to one person—though not the one sitting before her.
Barb voiced the words that were already in Lauren’s mind. “Your father was a good man. I hope you understand that. Less than an hour before, he hadn’t even known he had a daughter, and now he was agreeing to take you in, to do whatever it took to make sure you stayed out of the system.
“He said he would take you, but it wasn’t a decision I could take back. Not ever. He wanted me to promise to stay away, saying it would only hurt you if you knew.”
He was right, Lauren thought. He was absolutely right. And I doubted him. I questioned whether he really loved me at all. When he loved me so much, so instantly, that he put everything aside to be there for me. Lauren wished she could tell her father how much she appreciated the hard decisions he’d made for them both, wished she could apologize for ever questioning his motives, begrudging him his secrets.
Barb continued the story, cutting into her pancakes and beginning to eat now. Apparently, the hardest part was over—at least for her. “I agreed, but after a couple years, I grew to regret my decision. My career never took off like I hoped it would, and I’d given you up for nothing. I came back to Alaska to find you but learned your father had moved out of state and taken you with him. He’d left everything to keep me from getting to you, like he knew I would change my mind and try to take you away again.”
They both took a bite and chewed in companionable silence.
Barb swallowed and set her fork and knife down at the edge of her plate. “Back in those days, it wasn’t so easy to find people. We didn’t have Facebook and things like that. I searched and searched, but eventually gave up. That is, until…”
The older woman’s face grew pale, and Lauren wondered whether it was due to sincere feelings or part of a performance she’d decided to put on for Lauren’s benefit. Her voice shook now and her eyes glistened with the promise of tears. Lauren still didn’t know whether any of it was real.
“Until the doctor found the cancer in my blood. I’d waited too long, and now nothing but prayer was going to save me. So I skipped the chemo and radiation and instead decided to make sure my business was in order before I had to come face to face with my maker. That business started with finding you and making things right in the time I had left.”
Oh, shoot. Soon Lauren would be an orphan yet again. As much as she wanted to remain angry over the poor decisions her mother had made, she also couldn’t deny that this woman had gone out of her way to find Lauren now. She’d been honest when she could have just as easily as maligned Lauren’s father. They were here together now, and from the sounds of it, there wouldn’t be too many other times like this. She reached across the table and gave her mother’s hand a supportive squeeze.
Barb smiled sadly at her, the story almost through. “I hired a private detective and traced you and your father to that town in New York. I called him and asked him to come meet me to talk. Later on, I found out that he’d gotten in a crash driving home from that meeting. And I felt so guilty that I’d caused you to lose both your parents now, but I’d already sent the package, and even though I knew now I didn’t deserve it, I hoped beyond hope that you’d reach out to me, maybe even forgive me, so I could have the chance to get to know you before I…”
“Stop,” Lauren said softly. “You don’t have to say anything more. I’m glad we found each other, and you did the best thing in the world by getting me to my dad. I’ve had a good life, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it.”
They continued to hold hands across the table for a few minutes more. There they were together in solidarity, mother and daughter reunited at last. Lauren felt the anger melt away just like the butter on the second helping of steaming pancakes she’d requested. Finally, she would have her own memories of her mother. She had a family again, and that meant everything.