The feel of ice water hitting my face both wakes me and takes my breath away. The water enters my mouth and nose, causing me to choke.
“What the fuck!” I yell, scrambling to get up as another round of cold as fuck water hits my body. My back is sore as fuck, and my legs feel numb. Opening my eyes, I see my little spit fire standing above me. The fluorescent lights flood the bathroom, causing my eyes to squint as a sledgehammer hits my brain.
“Fuck.” I groan. “How the fuck did I end up in the tub?”
“Who knows. The last time I saw you, you were passed out on the living room floor.” She drops the metal bucket, banging it on the tile and triggering another blow of the hammer to my head. I notice she’s limping as she turns and walks out. I push the heels of my palms into my eyes, trying to alleviate the pressure that’s building in my head while I figure out what the fuck happened last night.
“Another.”
I slam the empty shot glass on the top of the bar. I don’t bother looking up at Heather because I don’t feel like seeing the disapproval that’s been dancing in her eyes since she poured me my sixth shot of cinnamon amber liquid. I really don’t need to listen to her shit. I’m fucking pissed, tired and frustrated with my life, and this doesn’t sit well with me. I wasn’t made for this compromising shit, and I have a feeling that I’m not cut out for domestic home life. It’s not what people say it is. It doesn’t make me happy, and it sure as hell isn’t a fool proof way to get laid every night. I don’t know why people say they envy those with a family. Fuck, I’m more envious of those fuckers who can do who they what when they want without having to think of anyone else. This shit ain’t worth it. That’s for fucking sure.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Hawk takes a seat next to me. Rolling my eyes, I wouldn’t be surprised if Jenni has already been on the phone with Savannah, and I wouldn’t put it past that bitch to run to Sin. I’m sure the whole fucking club knows that I’m not getting my dick wet.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you the same question?” I throw back another shot, slamming the glass down again.
“Why I’m here isn’t the issue. I don’t have a family at home waiting for me.” He takes the shot glass and slides it down the empty bar.
Tilting my head towards him, I calm myself down. “I don’t have a family, man. Just some kids whose drugged-out mommy offed herself, and whose daddy is so fucked up he probably doesn’t even know his jizz hit the jackpot, not once, but twice. That house ain’t a home. It’s a fucking pit stop to where they need to be, and that’s far as fuck away from me.”
Turning away from Hawk, I snap my fingers, getting Heather’s attention. “Large Rum and coke, hold the fucking coke.” Her eyes sweep to Hawk, which pisses me off. I don’t need that pretty boy babysitting me.
“Don’t even fucking think about it,” I warn her.
She shrugs and gets me my fucking drink.
The dartboard seems to be swaying from side to side, and because that bitch ain’t staying still, I can’t get my darts to line up right. My score is shit, and listening to Hawk snicker like a fucking punk bitch ain’t helping.
“Did you ever think you’d be where you are right now?” Hawk asks. I don’t do feelings. I don’t talk. But for some reason, I open my mouth and let my thoughts out.
“Fuck no.” I shake my head, eyeing the bullseye, trying to get the dart to land where I want it. “Having kids, especially my fucked-up sister’s kids, is not how I saw my life going.”
“You never wanted it?”
“Never saw the need for it.” The dart leaves my hand, flying through the air and sticking to the fucking wall. Damn, I almost hit Bubba.
“And now?”
“It fucking sucks. This whole situation is fucked.” Knowing Jenni is right down the hall fucks with my head and my heart because I feel this pull. This need to go to her, crawl into that bed with her and wrap my arms around her. I want to bury my nose into the soft scent of her hair before I bury my cock into the soft center of her pussy and I fucking can’t.
“You don’t think it’s worth it. Knowing that you’re making sure those kids have a chance at a better life?”
“I don’t see how having me as an option makes them have a better chance at life. Have you met me?”
He laughs. “Yeah, that’s true. But it’s different because Jenni’s involved.”
“Damn right it’s different. Without her I, couldn’t—no, I take that back, I wouldn’t do this. She’s been making me do shit since she showed up with that rat she calls a dog.”
“It’s not a bad thing, though.” He lines up in front of the dartboard. I watch as he takes aim, throwing the dart, hitting the red dot right in the fucking middle. He lets out a little woot, pumping his fist in the air.
“No, I wouldn’t say it’s bad. But it’s sure as fuck different.”
He turns around. “Why do it if it isn’t something you see in your life? Why even put up with everything that comes with taking those kids in?”
“Because I fucking love her and I want her happy.”
Nodding, a fucking smile curling at his lips, he smacks me on the shoulder, “It’s time for you to go home, man.”
I know he’s right.
Fuck me.
My stomach revolts as my mouth waters. There’s no fucking way I’m going to puke. I’m not a bitch, and those drinks aren’t gonna get the best of me. Leaning against the counter, I take deep breaths, going through the events of last night. Hawk was there, I thought he was back in California but what the fuck ever. That whole situation is his deal, which is why I don’t ask. We talked, that thought alone makes me want to puke. I’m turning into a fucking pussy ass bitch revealing my feelings and shit to the guys. None of the guys are going to take me seriously if they think I’ve grown a snatch and want to braid their hair and shit while we talk about our feelings.
Fuck that.
Looking at the mirror, I’m sickened by the man who’s staring back at me. The red eyes, dark circles, day old stubble on my face and head. Last night I walked away from my responsibilities, and why? Because I wanted some pussy? Because I wanted what I’ve been used to getting for the better part of my life? Because I’m weak? Am I that selfish that I threw shit in her face, words that I know she’ll never forget, and walked away from her and the kids?
That thought pisses me off. All that talk with Hawk had me opening my eyes to a lot of shit that I’ve not wanted to admit. Because the truth is I fucking love her, and it wouldn’t matter to me if I had to jerk off for the rest of my life as long as Jenni was with me.
Love might make a man weak, but I’d be honored to find my strength in her.