CHAPTER FOUR

Three Months Earlier

“He kept insisting that I was wrong,” Olivia said, gesturing wildly with her hand. “I’m the expert and he’s just a brand new agent, but somehow he’s convinced he knows more than me.”

“What did you do?” Nate asked, twirling his scotch. A small smile played at the corners of his lips.

“I told him to shut up and sit down.” Olivia smiled guiltily. “He had it coming.”

Nate chuckled. “I’m sure he did.”

“Enough about my day. How’s work?” She glanced over the rooftop wall and noticed that the sunset was particularly beautiful. The bar on top of the hotel near her apartment was one of her favorite places to end a long day. Olivia was glad she was able to share it with Nate.

“It’s been slow. Vince and I are finally getting caught up on paperwork.” Nate shifted in his seat. They had opted for lounging on a small couch rather than sitting at a table. Every time Nate shifted, his leg brushed against Olivia’s bare leg and a tingle ran through her body. It had been ten weeks since they had been together.

Two days after the new year, Olivia had received an invitation to be a visiting instructor at the FBI. To her, it had been a no-brainer. She would be allowed to build her own curriculum and the opportunity was unparalleled in her field. But she also had to leave in ten days. Telling Nate that she was leaving for five months was one of the hardest things she had ever done.

Nate had been not only understanding, but also encouraging. After her mother’s arrest and her father’s sudden death, she needed to do something just for herself. He promised to visit her every chance he got, but she had gotten completely absorbed in her new life. This was the first weekend they had been able to make a visit work.

“Can I get you another drink?” their waitress asked. She looked only at Nate when she asked the question.

“You want another?” Nate asked, his eyes focused on Olivia and not the waitress’s bulging cleavage.

“I think I’d rather go home,” she said with a pointed look. Nate had come straight to the bar from the airport, so they hadn’t had a chance for a proper reunion.

“We’ll just take the check, please,” Nate said with a polite smile at the waitress.

She grinned back and slipped him a wink as she said, “Sure thing.”

It was something that Olivia had thought she had gotten used to back when she and Nate were just friends. Woman always fawned over him, enthralled by his effortless good looks. But now that she was the lucky woman that got to have him in her bed, she actually enjoyed those moments. Nothing made her feel more desired than when Nate ignored every other woman in the room as he stared at Olivia.

Nate paid the bill, even after Olivia protested. He was an old-fashioned guy at heart and liked taking care of her. Truth be told, she didn’t mind all that much. She had her own ways of taking care of him.

“How far is your place?” Nate asked when they stepped onto the sidewalk. He had his weekend bag slung over one shoulder and his other arm was around her shoulders. “Please tell me it’s not far.”

“Two blocks,” Olivia said with a giggle. The three drinks she’d had were making her feel tipsy and she was glad Nate was there to keep her walking straight. “Can you make it?”

“I lasted twelve years without taking you to bed. I think I can make it two more blocks.” Nate squeezed her tight.

Their private reunion was a hundred times better than their public one and they didn’t come up for air until almost twelve hours later when Nate complained that he was hungry. Olivia reluctantly climbed out of bed and threw on one of his t-shirts before shuffling to into the kitchen corner of her studio apartment to make breakfast.

When they finished eating, Nate watched the news while Olivia washed the dishes. He had tried to take over the clean-up, but Olivia had refused. She was adamant that since he had flown the hundreds of miles to see her, the least she could do was wash his dish.

“Did you see this thing about the bomb threat at the State Department?” Nate called to her. The apartment was small enough that she could have heard him even if he talked at a normal tone.

“We got an email about it at work.” Olivia re-joined him at the couch, but pulled up short before sitting next to him. Her sister’s face had flashed across the television screen.

It had been over three months since Olivia’s mother had confessed to killing Rosie, but the media was still fascinated with the case. For several weeks after, Olivia hadn’t turned on the television or picked up a newspaper. It had been easier to just avoid seeing anything that might upset or frustrate her. She’d also had to dodge calls from people wanting to interview her. The calls had only increased when Ed died.

“Turn it,” Olivia said through clenched teeth.

Nate reached for the remote, but it was too late.

“Jill Thompson was sentenced to fifteen years in prison after pleading guilty to involuntary manslaughter in the death of her daughter,” the newscaster said. “Jill was forced to confess after she was turned in by her living daughter’s boyfriend, a detective in Chicago.”

Olivia’s hands clenched into fists and the easy morning they’d been having instantly became harder.

“Liv.” Nate looked stricken. “I’m sorry. I had no idea that was going to happen.”

“I know.” She did know. There was no way that Nate could have known the Thompson saga would rear its ugly head again. “Let’s just forget about it.”

“Maybe we should talk about it,” he suggested hesitantly. It was the same conversation they’d had a dozen times. Nate wanted to work through their issues and Olivia just wanted to ignore them.

She avoided looking at him as she shook her head. “Let’s not go there, Nate. It won’t end well.”

“We shouldn’t avoid having a conversation just because it might be difficult,” Nate said.

Olivia used to love how direct Nate was with her. He never shied away from talking about their relationship or anything else that needed to be discussed. She never had to guess what he was thinking or feeling because he always told her. She always knew exactly where she stood with him. But the problem was that right now, she didn’t know where he stood with her. Olivia didn’t understand her feelings toward him, a combination of utter devotion and inexplicable hurt. She imagined it was how a spouse felt when they learned that their partner was having an affair.

“I don’t want to fight, Nate. I’ve been looking forward to this visit for weeks.” She tried to keep her voice even and unemotional.

“We don’t have to fight, but we need to talk about this. You haven’t looked at me the same since it happened.” The hurt in his eyes was unmistakable.

“I haven’t looked at anyone the same since then.” Olivia sank onto the couch and put her head in her hands. Everything she had been dealing with for the last three months was pushing its way to the surface, threating to spill out. When Nate put a hand on her shoulder, she flinched.

He immediately pulled it away. “I can’t even touch you anymore.”

“It hurts,” she said through a cracked voice. “Being with you physically hurts. I think about that day when they took my father away and it feels like I’m going to be sick. I don’t want it to. I don’t want to feel this way, but it won’t go away. When you aren’t here, I can ignore the pain or at least manage it.”

“You would be hurting right now even if I hadn’t done what I did,” Nate said gently. “You lost your mother and father in such a short amount of time.”

“It’s more than that,” Olivia insisted. “You were always the one person in my life that I knew I could count on. I was more certain of us than I had ever been of anything in my life. But that day, everything changed. You hurt me, Nate, whether you meant to or not. You made this huge decision unilaterally that tore my family apart.”

“I was doing my job, Olivia.” Nate’s voice was still calm, but it held an edge of agitation. “I didn’t do it to hurt you. I did it because it was the right thing to do.”

Olivia took a few slow breaths to keep her emotions in check. Despite the pain, she loved Nate more than anything. She wanted to find a way to make it work. “It was the right thing to do for you, Nate. But it wasn’t right for me.”

“Fair enough.” Nate put his hand back on her shoulder and this time didn’t pull it away. “I can’t make you forgive me, Liv. That’s something you have to decide to do on your own.”

“I know.” She did know. There wasn’t anything that Nate could say that would change their circumstance. If Olivia was going to move on, she had to find a way to forgive Nate. “I think I just need time.”

Nate sucked in a sharp breath. “What are you saying?”

“While I’m here, I think maybe I should just be here. Alone.” She finally found the courage to look at Nate and felt her lower lip tremble when she saw the broken look in his eyes.

“You’re ending this?” he said, voice cracking. “We just found each other, Liv. It can’t be over so fast.”

“It’s not forever, it’s just for now.” She wanted to reach for him, to have him hold her the way that always made her feel better. “I still love you so much, Nate. I don’t want to lose you, but if I don’t find a way to fix whatever is going on inside me, that’s exactly what’s going to happen.”

“I’m afraid I’ve already lost you,” Nate said with a tremble in his voice. “You’ve already put hundreds of miles between us.”

Olivia grabbed his hand as the tears spilled from her eyes. “But my heart is still with you. It will always be yours.”

Nate was supposed to stay all weekend, but he called and got a flight out later that night. They spent the day on the couch, just quietly holding each other. When it was time to go, Nate stood in the doorway for a long time, just looking at her. Then he was gone.