Wednesday 19th July
It’s been a week since Steve first let himself into my flat and things couldn’t be going better. He has spent every night here and has awakened me to a whole new world of exploration in the bedroom. He is always so sweet about my anxiety as well. He never pushes me to do anything I don’t feel ready for and even when I do have one of my unpredictable turns, he has just held me and talked me through it. I’ve even started to feel like we can make this work as the doubts diminish every time he is with me.
What makes today even more special is that it is the day that Claire is coming to visit. I have no idea what time she is due to arrive as she has deliberately kept it from me to stop me worrying but what it hasn’t done is stop me from pacing around the flat waiting for her arrival.
I look at my watch for what must have been the millionth time today and realise that I haven’t eaten all day as lunch was skipped due to a certain delivery man coming by with the food. I had ordered food so I could make Claire something nice for dinner before she went to her hotel in the evening. However, it wasn’t so much the delivery that made me miss lunch and more what the delivery man did when he got here.
I go into the kitchen and start to make myself a sandwich. Just as I’m buttering my bread I hear my front door open and then a familiar female voice call out.
“Honey, I’m home,” it says. I rush out of the kitchen, my half-made sandwich forgotten about, and run straight into the open arms of my best friend.
“It’s so good to see you. I have so much to tell you,” I tell her as we embrace. I pull away from her and notice tears falling down her cheeks.
“Claire, what’s up?” Looking her over I worry what could be wrong.
“I’m just happy to be here,” she replies through a smile but I can tell there is more to it than that.
We get lunch and settle down on the sofa for a chat.
“So, what’s going on with you and Steve? I want to hear all the juicy details!” Claire asks as she bites into her sandwich.
“It’s perfect. Steve spends so much time here and he never pushes me. I think I may have found the one,” I reply with the biggest, soppiest smile on my face.
“And how does Steve feel?”
I think about this for a moment and come up blank. I know he likes me but he has never actually told me he loves me.
“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully, “I know he cares for me.”
“So, he has never said he loves you?” she pushes.
“No,” I start. I’m not sure I like where this conversation is going and I start to sound very defensive in my reply, “But I know he does.”
“Jess, don’t be like that,” she replies. “I’m just trying to look out for you! You’ve been stuck in this flat for so long. I just don’t want you to latch onto the first person that comes along, especially if they don’t feel the same.”
I see red at this point. How dare she come here and start to tell me what I have with Steve isn’t real. What does she know anyway?
“I’m not naïve, Claire. I have done this relationship thing before,” I spit back at her.
“I’m not saying that, Jess, please let’s not fight.” A tear rolls down her cheek and all my anger has gone.
I move over to sit next to her.
“Claire, what’s wrong? Please talk to me,” I ask her unable to hide the worry in my voice.
“I’m sorry, Jess. I guess I’m trying to convince myself more than I am you.” I don’t really understand but I don’t want to interrupt. Claire obviously has something she needs to talk about so I decide to sit quietly until she is ready to go on.
We sit in silence for what seems like forever until Claire finally starts to talk.
“Do you remember Danny?” Claire asks nervously.
“The druggie?” I ask, trying to remember back. He sticks in my mind as I realise that Claire hasn’t really dated much since him. In fact, I don’t seem to remember anyone since him.
“Yeah, him. He is still waiting to go on trial regarding the drugs and has been released on bail. They found a load in his house and they are doing him for intent to supply.”
I sit and hope that she isn’t going to tell me she’s got back with him. I mean, I vaguely remember her saying he was good in bed but surely, he can’t be that good.
“Claire, please tell me you haven’t got back with…”
“I’m pregnant!” she blurts out.
I don’t know how to reply. We both sit in silence. How do you respond when your best friend tells you this? I mean, should I be supportive? Should I be hunting down this Danny and chopping off some vital organs?
“Are you sure?” Lame, I know, but I really don’t know how I am meant to deal with this.
Claire chuckles to herself as the tears start to fall.
“Yes, Jess. I’m sure. The spell in hospital. It was dehydration brought on by my morning sickness. I found out then.”
“But that was…” I state, thinking back to how long ago it had been.
“I know and I’m so sorry, Jess. I wanted to tell you but things were going so well for you and you were so worried I didn’t want to make you worry anymore.” The words all come spilling out of her and I don’t know whether to slap my best friend or give her a hug. I settle on the second and hope that it is calming her as much as it is calming me.
“Do your parents know? Does Danny know?” My mind is filled with so many more questions.
“Yes. That’s why I’ve been staying with them. They are going to help me with the baby when he or she finally comes. As for Danny, well, he’s a total waste of space. Said he wanted nothing to do with the baby and how did he know it was his, seeing as I had a reputation for sleeping around.”
“Where does the bastard live? I’ll kill him!” I reply filled with anger but I’m swept up in a hug
“Thank you,” Claire replies as she cries softly into my shoulder, “This is just what I needed.” She gives me a weak smile before she pulls away.
“So probably not what you want to hear, but what are you going to do?” I ask. My anxiety is beginning to kick in but I realise that it’s not about me for a change, but about Claire and her situation. I take a moment to realise how great it is to worry about something real for a change instead of the worries made up in my head.
“I’m going to raise the baby by myself. Mum and Dad have said they will help where they can, but I’m going to do this, Jess. I’ve been given a wonderful opportunity and nothing is going to get in the way of me raising my baby. You know I have always wanted children one day. It’s just that that one day has come a little earlier than I expected!”
“And Danny?”
“Wants nothing to do with the baby.”
“You know I’ll help out any way I can,” I offer sincerely.
“Well, durrr, this little one is going to need it’s crazy aunty Jess.” This makes us both smile even though I can’t stop thinking about how much both our lives have changed over the last couple of months.
The rest of the afternoon goes by in a flash and we fall into our old ways of gossiping and catching up. It’s a great afternoon as I finally feel like Claire is being herself around me again and not holding anything back.
By about six we are all talked out and I can see that Claire is beginning to look a little tired. We are just saying our goodbyes as my front door opens and Steve walks in.
“Evening, beautiful,” he calls as he walks through the door.
“Oh, so this is the famous delivery man,” says Claire as she walks over to the door and looks him up and down, “I hope you’re treating my girl good?”
I blush as I realise Claire is getting ready to go into one of her rants.
“I am here, you know,” I blurt out not wanting this whole conversation to happen.
“It’s fine, Jess. So, what are your intentions?” Claire asks
“I thought you were leaving?” I say pulling her towards the door.
“Because if you hurt her.” Oh, my god. I think I am about to die of embarrassment.
“You don’t have to worry. I love her and plan to treat her like a princess.”
The room goes suddenly very quiet, or maybe the conversation is continuing, but I just keep playing these three words ‘I love her’ in my head. He loves me. But now I don’t know what to do, do I say it back or do I wait. Also, Claire is still stood right in front of me. I try to focus back in on the conversation and from what my brain is registering they seem to have moved on. Something about a drink. I’m not really sure what.
Suddenly I hear Claire say “Ok Jess, I’ll see you tomorrow.” The next thing I know I am swept into a bear hug by my best friend before she leaves the flat.
“Hey beautiful, you OK?” he asks with a confused look on his face as I register what he has been saying.
“Yeah… Did you mean it?” The words are out of my mouth before my filter kicks in.
“About going out for a drink. Yeah,” he chuckles.
“What? No. Not that. Do you love me?”
I’m not given an answer instead I am swept up into his arms and kissed. It’s a kiss that speaks to you and I realise that he doesn’t have to answer as I already know the truth.
“Did you know it only takes three seconds to fall in love with someone? With you it only took me one.” And with those beautiful words he gently strokes my face.
I hold onto him even harder and kiss him with all I have. I want him to know that I feel the same way but saying it now seems so inadequate. So, I hope this kiss says it all.
“Don’t worry beautiful, I know,” he replies, and I know he knows it too.
There is no more talking after that as he picks me up and carries me to the bedroom and we show each other just how strong our love is.