Thursday 20th July
I wake up to a crashing sound in the kitchen. I put on the clothes that had been discarded around the room last night and make my way to the kitchen. I am greeted with the sight of Steve topless standing over the oven making breakfast. I watch from the doorway without him noticing me admiring the view.
“You could come and help me,” Steve announces as he turns around.
“But I like the view from here,” I say playfully resting my hip on the doorframe. He gives me one of his panty-wetting smirks.
“It’s a good job I love you,” he replies as he turns around to finish the pancakes that are in the pan.
“It’s a good job I love you too,” I reply as I take in the mess he has made of my kitchen, “since I’m going to be spending most of my day tidying up after you.” I try to give a sexy, flirty smile back.
“I can think of so many better things to do with our day. But if you want to tidy,” he sighs.
“What do you have in mind?” I say trying to look sexy.
Within seconds the oven is off and I am being pinned against the kitchen wall.
“How about we start with this?”
Steve starts to kiss the corner of my mouth and then moves across my cheek and along to just above my neck finding the exact spot that has me moaning for more.
“That will work,” I say breathlessly, as he removes my top.
“Then we can move onto this,” he kisses down my neck and along my collar bone and I swear if I wasn’t pinned against the wall I would be a giant puddle on the floor.
“Mmmm,” I moan as he starts to move towards my breast with his mouth. Then his hand finds the one not being spoilt by his mouth.
Then I hear a flustered female voice. “Hi, I brought…Oh. Shit. Sorry. I’ll just. Other room, got it!”
I guess we were both a little too pre-occupied to hear Claire coming through the door. It’s a sure-fire way to kill the mood though as I am suddenly released and Steve goes back to the oven.
“I’m making pancakes. Do you want some Claire?” Steve shouts into the living room.
“Er, did you start them before or after your little make out session?” she asks with a nervous laugh.
“Does it matter?” I shout back.
“Yes! I don’t want my pancakes to have seen that!” Claire shouts back. Then Claire and I both burst out laughing as Steve looks on bemused.
“Go and sort your friend out!” Steve says, passing me my top as he spins me around and pushes me in the direction of the living room smacking me playfully on the bum as I go. “I’ll cook some fresh just for her,” he says shaking his head in disbelief as I leave the room.
Breakfast was great. We all sat in the living room and chatted while we ate as Claire and Steve finalised the details of the drinks they were going for when Steve met her later. I couldn’t help but wonder if we would ever be able to do that as a couple. After breakfast, Steve left for work, as he had been called in due to a colleague’s sickness, and Claire and I sat looking online at baby stuff. I was adamant that as ‘Aunty Jess’ I had to be the first to get the little bean something nice, which also meant I had to get the mummy something nice as well.
“What colour shall I get it in?” I ask as we look at a cute little mitten and hat set.
“I don’t mind green, yellow, get whatever you want.”
I decide to go for both.
“So, what are you going to do about the birth certificate?” I ask timidly, fearing this conversation won’t end well.
“I don’t know, Jess,” she replies as she throws her hands in the air exasperated. “I mean what if he changes his mind and wants to be there for me and the baby?”
“What? From prison?” I question wondering where this is coming from, “Claire, you don’t still like him, do you?”
“No! But he is the father,” she replies a little too quickly.
“Oh, my, god, you do!”
“I’m not having this conversation, Jess. Just drop it,” she says defensively.
“Claire, please,” I plead trying to make her see sense, “He borrowed money from you for drugs and not a small amount either if what you told me yesterday is correct.”
“What’s your problem, Jess. I said drop it.” She gets up and grabs her coat. “I need some air,” she continues as she walks to the door and leaves, slamming it shut.
I stare at the door not really knowing what to do. I feel bad that I’ve upset her but also incredibly frustrated that she hasn’t learnt her lesson. It’s always been a flaw of Claire’s character that when she falls for someone she falls hard, no matter how inappropriate he is.
Since I was meant to be spending the day with Claire I now find myself at a loss. I go back online and order far too much stuff for the new baby and Claire as the guilt of upsetting her hits me hard. Next, I send her a text apologising. Then I busy myself tidying up the kitchen while I wait for a reply.
It’s nearing six when I finally hear my phone beep with an incoming message. I rush over hoping to hear from Claire, but am pleasantly surprised when I see it’s actually from Steve.
Steve: Just waiting at the bar for Claire. Hope you have a good night. xxx
I guess I should tell him what happened since I think it’s highly unlikely that Claire is going to turn up now following the argument we had earlier but just as I’m about to, Steve texts again.
Steve: She has just turned up. See you later beautiful xxx
Oh, right, so she can turn up to see Steve, but can’t be bothered to reply to the texts I’ve been sending her all day. I think about sending her an angry message but think better of it and instead send one to Steve.
Me: Say hi for me. Have a great night xxx
Well I guess it’s a party for one this evening! I try and keep myself busy, but my mind keeps going to places I don’t want to think about. What are they doing? How are they getting on? And I know I shouldn’t be worried but Claire was always much more popular than I was and what does Steve really see in me anyway? I know, deep down, I’m being stupid, but sometimes with these conditions that I have, I have no control over where my thoughts go.
Feeling fed up and completely stressed out, I decide to try and relax in the bath and have an early night. I go to the bathroom and start the bath as a message sounds on my phone. I leave the bath running and go to see who it’s from.
Steve: Claire is a little upset, so going to take her for a bite to eat. See you later, beautiful x
My rage builds as I think about how stressed and upset I am. He hasn’t even asked how my day has gone, but is now taking my friend out for a meal… It should be me he is taking out for a meal! It should be me who he met for a drink!
Then I’m hit with a blinding realisation. I can never properly be with him and I have to end this before I lose myself to him anymore.
In my mind, I know that there is only one thing for me to do, but I don’t have the nerve to do it. So, I make my way over to the door and lock my bead bolt and my second lock. I then go back to my phone and turn it off before I finally crawl into bed. It’s then and only then I allow the grief to take over as I start to sob into my pillow. My heart may be broken now, but I know it’s the right thing to do, not just for me, but for Steve. It’s cheesy, I know, but they do say if you love someone, set them free and I have to do this to stop my heart shattering in the long run. I also have to stop Steve from one day waking up and realising how trapped he is with me. No one should feel the way I do every single day and in my heart, I know that’s what will happen.