Friday 26th May
Friday can’t come soon enough, but I’m in a great mood for the rest of the week. Even my therapist notices. She asks what’s happened for this change in my mood, but I’m not about to start filling my therapist in on what’s been going on with Steve. It’s just too new and far too private. Is it wrong to want this to exist in my own happy little bubble for a little while longer? I know I will have to share eventually, but I want it to stay fresh, new and exciting before it starts to get analysed.
Friday morning is dragging so much. I have already tidied the living room and the kitchen ready for the delivery. I’m seriously pondering starting on the bathroom but, thankfully, I am saved by the buzzer on the intercom. Looking down at myself I make sure I am presentable and laugh, realising that it’s not as if Steve is going to see me. I can’t answer the door if I even think he might be on the other side. I make my way over to the intercom and have several practice attempts at sounding normal when I say hello. I just about have it mastered as the intercom sounds again.
I attempt to say “Hello.” Well that didn’t work did it? A high-pitched squeak leaves my mouth.
“Hi Jessica, it’s Steve. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m a little early with your delivery today.”
I compose myself and reply. “No, not at all. Just give me a sec and I’ll buzz you up.” I want to say so much more to him but find myself unable to say what I am feeling out loud. For one thing, the words would never leave my mouth, and two, I really don’t think my filthy thoughts could be broadcast over the intercom. Instead I find myself reaching for my pad and paper as I scribble a note and leave it outside the door before I buzz him up with my order.
I wait anxiously near the door, too afraid to get too close for fear of him sensing me. I didn’t realise I had been holding my breath until I let it out once a small piece of paper falls to the floor. I think back to what my message said and wonder how he could have responded. I wrote that he was the best type of distraction and questioned how I could make his day brighter.
I unfold the piece of paper and eagerly read the message inside.
You make the days seem brighter by just being you. But now the nights seem so much longer.
I read the note over and over again, a little confused by its meaning. Waiting till I hear the elevator, I peek through the peep hole to double check he has gone. As much as I would really, really love to see what Steve looks like, I know I am not strong enough to be able to do that just yet. The coast is clear so I bring the shopping in and then get ready to sign the machine. As I’m about to sign it, I find myself grabbing the note pad once more and writing back a reply.
How can I possibly make the nights longer? I’m sure that can’t be good?
I leave the note and the receipt outside the door before I go over to the intercom.
“All done,” I say, far too brightly to appear normal.
“I’ll come on up and collect the machine then,” he replies equally breezily.
Not wanting to lose the calming tones of his voice I say the first thing that comes into my head.
“I love the sound of your voice,” comes out of my mouth and as I say it my hand connects with my forehead. How stupid I must sound to him!
He chuckles on the other end of the intercom. That chuckle has me clenching my legs together as I close my eyes and commit to memory every sound he makes to use later when I am on my own. I press the buzzer to let him in and then move over to the door hoping that something may be posted through. I hear the elevator arrive and the sound of heavy feet moving to the door. There is a pause, then a sudden knock on the door. I freeze in terror, not being prepared for this at all. I begin to feel my heart rate quicken and the shakes start, but then I hear it … the voice that seems to calm me.
“Don’t open the door. I just wanted to say that I feel the same. Your voice is like a melody that speaks straight to my soul.” My heart skips a beat as I replay in my head what he has just said. I have no words but instantly, I am calmer. I move towards the door and look through the peep hole, but he has gone already. I rush over to the window but again, I am too late. It’s then as I turn back that I notice the small piece of paper on the floor. I hadn’t even heard the letter box. I rush over to grab it, eager to read the words that I was quickly becoming addicted to.
You would never believe me if I told you.
Just know that I spend far more time than I should thinking about my
mysterious stranger.
Till your next delivery.
Steve
I read the note twice more before I do the only thing I ever do when a situation arises that makes me feel out of my depth. I phone Claire.
Running over to the phone I dial Claire’s number, not realising how many times it rings before I finally get to hear the one person I share everything with.
“Claire, you will not believe what just happened,” I almost scream down the phone at her, far more excited about this new development than I should be.
“Hi Jess, what’s happened?” Something sounds off, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. She sounds odd.
“You will not believe what just happened. Steve, he likes me, I think,” I say excitedly.
“That’s great Jess,” she replies in a monotone voice. OK, now I know something is wrong. This isn’t like Claire at all.
“Is everything OK? You don’t seem yourself today,” I ask, beginning to worry about what could be wrong.
“It’s fine, I just have a headache. Can we do this later? I am happy for you though, hun.”
“Yeah, sure.” We hang up and even though she has told me nothing is wrong, I am left with an uneasy feeling that there is something she isn’t telling me. I ponder this for a moment and put it down to my anxiety. I’m sure it’s all fine. This is Claire after all.
I try to keep myself occupied for the rest of the day, but I keep going back over to the notes to read them all over again. Each time I read them I imagine his voice and try to picture him in my mind. Filled with excitement I come up with my next plan of action. I take out my tablet and pull up the shopping app. It’s not as if I actually need anything, since my order has just come, but there has to be something. It’s as the app loads up that inspiration lights up on my screen and an offer on baking goods appears. Well that’s settled then. I am going to take up baking!
Not being able get a delivery slot for a couple of days doesn’t deter me. I just hope Steve will be working and plan to call and check since I don’t want to see anyone else. Not now and maybe not ever!