10
Dutch Ovens and the Concussive Van Gogh
“I can’t believe it,” I shout, storming towards my classroom and beginning to pace back and forth, finally able to let out the emotions I’d been stifling during the staff meeting. Talk about expecting the unexpected; I thought he’d gone back to Brockville? Never in a million billion years would I have thought there would be the slightest chance that McCoy would ever be my boss.
“What the actual hell? How did…how does…who let…?” I can’t even finish my sentences, I’m so at a loss right now. “How is this going to work? Kami, tell me it’s all a bad joke.” I look to my friend, who can only shrug her shoulders. We both know it’s true; McCoy is indeed our new principal. “Tell me Keaton didn’t lie to me.”
“I’m sorry, East. You know I was just kidding, what I said earlier in the library. It’s not going to be fun to watch, I don’t wish this for you at all. I wish I could tell you it wasn’t true…” she sucks in a deep breath, knowing I’m about to kill her “…even if I am still secretly curious to see how this will go.”
“Kami, please, not now,” I tell her, too shocked to let her taunting get me riled up. I’m spent, and I know she realizes this is a horrible situation for me.
“Okay, I’m done. I promise.” She raises three fingers of her right hand like a Girl Guide, and I nod before she continues. “I almost died when I walked into the library and saw him there this morning. When he introduced himself as our new principal, I was calling and texting you, but he gave me a ‘Get off your phone, now!’ look. He said he’d give us enough breaks so he’d prefer we not use our personal devices while he reviewed the new ground rules for the way he likes to run his staff meetings. He said he had a lot to go over and wanted our full attention this morning, then carried on about being respectful and some shit.”
“He’s insane.” I shake my head. “What if someone had an emergency? Whatever, I guess he has a point. But this better not be the start of some tyrannical bullshit he thinks he can come here and inflict on us,” I fume, picking up speed as I continue to pace. “I can’t believe Keaton and my parents never told me. There’s no way they didn’t know that the prodigal son and brother-from-another-mother was moving back here!” I slam my classroom door shut behind me as we enter, not wanting anyone to hear us. Then Keaton’s words from brunch the other day come to mind, when he said that I’d be “getting mine”. That little snake. He’ll be getting an earful at dinner tonight.
“Okay, so what are we going to do about it?” Kami asks, breaking into my thoughts.
“No clue. But first, I’m going to kill Keaton. So you might want to pay him a visit at Inkredible after work, because it’ll be the last time you see your boyfriend alive,” I say, giving her my best evil grin.
“He’s not my boyfriend, but let’s agree not to hurt him just yet. He’s such nice eye candy to run with, I’ll give him that,” she grins, “and I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for why he kept the news from you.” I roll my eyes. Of course she’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, even when I’m sure Keaton most definitely knew about this.
“Whatever, you Keaton-lover.”
“You know I’m right. Keaton wouldn’t do that to you. And if he did, he had a reason; he knows how you feel about McCoy. I’ll talk to him.”
“That’s the thing,” I tell her, starting to take down my posters from the walls, “I’ve denied it forever. I know my family thinks I’ll never get over him, that I still have a thing for him…but I’ve been doing so well lately, though. I only think of him once in a while, only ask about him when someone else brings him up. I’m not creeping his social media as much as I had been. I’ve only looked a few times in the last six months; he hasn’t even posted in forever,” I share, not admitting to searching just the other day for a glimpse of suit porn. “It’s taken me years, but I’ve been doing so much better. This is going to set me back, Kam.” I wave my hands in the air. “I promised myself I wouldn’t dwell on him anymore, that I was finally going to move on. That I was going to look for real love. You know, give someone else a real chance,” I huff, pacing the length of my classroom. “I promised I wouldn’t let him affect me anymore. And it was going fine, kinda, sorta, with him not around. Now I’m sure to fall off the wagon. I mean…shit, did you see him? He’s fucking hot. Like a live version of Jeffrey Dean Morgan in Grey’s Anatomy hot. And he’s right here,” I stomp, pointing to the floor immediately below us, where I assume he’s seated behind the desk in his new office. “There’s no way my brain, heart, and libido can just ignore that.” I stop in front of her and rest my hands on my hips, completely wiped from my tantrum. See what he does to me?
“You about done? Breathe, friend, breathe,” Kami says, laughing. Of course she’d laugh. The keeper of her heart feels the same way about her, they’re just too stupid to make a move towards each other. I still can’t believe my brother has respected my wishes to leave her alone when, truth be told, I can’t wait for the day he realizes he’s ready to commit to Kam. Idiot.
“No,” I say, “I’m not done. I’m frustrated, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, you know what they say?” Kami chimes, in a mischievous smirk on her face.
“Oh Jesus, here we go,” I say, exasperated. “You know how I love hearing about what They have to say. Although, I’m desperate enough to consider something drastic at this point.” I lean on my desk as Kami takes a seat on top of the desk in front of me.
“It’s time to date. No better cure for getting over it like getting under it,” she deadpans, smiling triumphantly, like she’s just figured out the solution for world peace.
“Are you kidding me? There’s no way you’re a virgin. Virgins don’t think like that.”
“Please. I’m a virgin, not a nun. Plus, I have sisters, remember? They’re getting enough for all of us. But I think you should consider it.”
“I was thinking of sick leave, or a transfer. I could beg, claim medical accommodations…”
“You know you won’t leave. That would mean that he won, and that would kill you.”
Dammit, she’s right. That would send the wrong message, for sure. No way will I let this man chase me out of a job and school I love! Especially when I’m not sure he’s entirely to blame for my brand of crazy. It’s not like I’ve ever gone out of my way to tell him how I feel, exactly. Sure, subtle hints, and the one time I tried to kiss him in the pool, but all that aside, I can’t fully blame McCoy.
“So,” Kami says, interrupting my thoughts yet again, “I know a really nice guy, his na—”
“Oh no you don’t,” I cut her off. “You, missy,”—I point my index finger at her—“are forever banned from hooking me up with anyone. Remember?” I pause, waiting for the memories to click, the ones that will remind her what an awful matchmaker she is.
“Come on, they weren’t all that bad, East. Besides, this one is very handsome.”
“Then why don’t you date him?”
“He’s not really my type. But you guys have a lot in common. He loves computers and graphic novels, and I swear he carries the same Geek Gene you do.”
“I do not have a Geek Gene! I happen to enjoy things of a left-brained nature, sure, but so do many people.” I stick my tongue out at her. Mature, right?
“Oh, East, I think he’d be a perfect distraction from Coy.”
“No. And I’ve got four reasons for you,” I raise my index finger, to represent the number one. “First, there was Richard. Sure, he was cute, but he picked his nose and flicked it, even when he was in my house. I swear, I was cleaning up boogers after every visit.”
She laughs.
“Oh, I’m not nearly done refreshing your memory.”
“Come on, they weren’t all that bad.” Kami rolls her eyes.
I raise a second finger. “Remember Bill?” I ask.
“All he did was snore,” she defends. “You’re just being picky. He had a great job, and was handsome as hell.” Now I’m the one rolling my eyes.
“Kami, he snored so loud that he practically gave me a concussion! It was like sleeping next to a jackhammer.”
“Bullshit, East. That’s not what gave you the concussion,” Kami challenges, and she’s right. But still.
“Fine, though his snoring did cause a chain reaction that lead me to thrash about in bed from lack-of-sleep frustration. Which resulted in me banging my arm against the headboard, making me knock my print of Van Gogh’s “The Starry Night” off the wall to fall on top of me, resulting in a small concussion. I still get headaches from that, by the way. So, yes, in a roundabout way, I do blame Bill—and I blame you. And before you say it, I do realize that, yes, you shouldn’t hang pictures up by way of tacks, but in my defence, being single, you do what you can. I put it back up with duct tape. After all, iconic Canadian handyman Red Green swears by it.”
“You’re such a shit,” Kami smiles. “You know that whole thing was really all your fault, right?”
“I’ll never admit it,” I retort.
“Okay, no snoring partners. I can always ask Nat—”
I cut her off again. “Nope, you don’t need to ask him anything. I’m not interested. I’ll find my own dates, thank you very much.” I cross my arms over my chest.
“All right, so those weren’t the best picks. But there were a few good ones. What about Seamus?”
“Ah, you mean Number Three? Seamus who wouldn’t let me sleep in his bed because I might crinkle his Princess Leia cardboard cutout? Talk about a Geek Gene.”
“Ha! I forgot about that. Well, what about Jesse? You dated him for a few months. I helped hook you guys up,” she smiles, thinking she’s got me.
“Do you mean Number Four, ‘Jesse the Dutchman’? Please tell me you didn’t forget? He was the worst one of them all! Kam: ‘Jesse, the Dutch Oven Giver?’ I mean, hello? Who gives their girlfriend of less than three months a Dutch oven, especially right after sex? Talk about making my post-orgasm bliss shrivel up and die!” Shaking my head, I shudder at the thought of having my head shoved under the blankets and being held there as I suffocated on Jesse’s flatulence. It’s as if I can still smell it every time I think about it. Never have I ever ended a relationship so fast.
“Right. I might have blocked that incident out.” Kami stifles a laugh.
“Well, now that we’ve cleared that up, I can say with 100% certainty that you are never allowed to set me up again. Ever.”
“I think I deserve one more chance?” Kami whines. “I have a really good feeling about this one, I promise.”
“You think he’s great? Then you date him. Oh, that’s right. You’re too hung up on Keaton to follow your own advice and get under anyone. Maybe you need it just as much as me?”
“Fine. It’s settled. You and I are going speed dating next month when I’m back from Prince Edward Island. That gives you a month without me to get under someone or else I get my way—and my wing woman,” she says, extending her hand for us to seal her deal.
“Whatever,” I say. “I’ll go, but when I’m ready, and as long as you agree to never try and set me up again.” I take her hand.
“Deal.” We shake, and she walks towards my classroom door.
“Kam,” I call.
“Yeah?” She turns back to face me.
“I’m not going to miss your face at all while you’re in P. E. I. You know that, right?”
“Sure do.” We both laugh. “Trivia tonight?”
“Yeah, just come a little later,” I say. “I need some good ol’ bonding time with my brother first.”
“Sounds good,” Kami agrees. We play trivia every week down at Brass Tapps Bar and Grill. So far, we’ve been undefeated and I’d like to keep it that way, as long as I don’t kill my brother beforehand. “Oh, and promise me something, East?”
“What?”
“Make sure Keaton doesn’t get permanently under anyone else while I’m gone?” she asks, a small smile gracing her flushed cheeks.
“That I can and will do,” I smile. “Now get out. We have a ton of stuff to clear out before we can get the hell outta here.” I point at the door, just as it swings open.
Motherfucker.
“Ms. Hatfield. I’d like a word, please?” McCoy’s strident voice says from the hallway, just outside my classroom door.
“Of course you do. Why would I think you’d give me space today, especially after how I fell at your feet again, right?” I sass. Kami slinks past him on her way to her homeroom, giving me a haunted look.
I think I liked it better when I was invisible to McCoy Graves.