As soon as I’m out of the city, my thoughts immediately start to quiet. And the further and further away I get, the stiller they become. Driving my brother’s car seems to bring some kind of peace to me. As if I still have a connection to him of sorts. Now that I know this, I wonder why I haven’t driven it before. That’s something that needs to change.

I find myself on the long, quiet, two-lane country road that leads to the place Lucas is buried. I haven’t been there in ages. But I feel as if I’m being drawn there. Brought to the one place where I might get some clarity. Some guidance.

Because I sure as fuck don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

When I reach the cemetery, I park the Shelby and climb out, walking slowly toward Lucas’s grave. I stand for a long time in front of it, letting the emotions run their course, not trying to hide from them.

I’ve done that for too long. Years. I never let myself think about it. I’ve thrown myself into my work during the day and my playboy lifestyle at night, never giving myself time to dwell on my losses. Simultaneously avoiding letting my guard down. Protecting myself from the assault of pain that’s hitting me right now.

But maybe that’s what I need. To feel again. That’s what Cara’s forced me to do. And while I’m hurting like a motherfucker right now, it’s better than being numb.

Because I’ve missed out on so much by keeping myself detached, remaining aloof. I might not have been hurting, but I also wasn’t living. Not really. It was all a farce.

Right now all I want is to be back with Cara. Living.

I go down to my knees in front of my brother’s grave and speak from my heart.

“Lucas,” I sigh. “God, I miss you, brother. So fucking bad.”

My chest tightens painfully, and I almost want to run back to the car and drive away from this shit, but I’m hoping against hope that somehow coming here will give me some kind of direction. Some clarity on what I need to do.

I take a deep breath. “I fell in love, man. Wish you were here to see her. To meet the woman who finally brought Liam Donovan to his knees.” I chuckle, thinking about how much Lucas would love Cara.

I pour my heart out there in the middle of the graveyard, spilling my guts to my brother, even though he’s long gone from this world. I tell him all about how we met, how she stole my heart from the very beginning without me even realizing it.

Then I tell him, “I fucked up, man. Bad. I don’t know how to fix it.”

I pause, drawing a deep breath, letting all my words settle in the silence. I really did screw this up. I was in on the ploy from the very beginning. And while she was, too, she wasn’t aware the entire time like I was. For all she knows, I was just fucking with her the whole time. She has no way of knowing if anything I said was true. If my feelings are real or not. If everything we shared was all part of an elaborate game or if it was all real. It was. Every fucking bit of it.

But I can see now just how much my deception hurt her. She feels betrayed. Because I knew all along what she was up to, her lies don’t feel like a betrayal. But mine do.

I blow my breath out through my teeth and scrape my hand over my face. “God, Lucas, I miss you so bad, but the idea of losing Cara hurts just as bad in a different way.” I set my jaw, not wanting to accept that I could have lost her for good. That it’s over.

It’s not over. I won’t let go of her now that I’ve found someone that has made me feel again.

“I won’t lose another person I love, Lucas. Not when she’s still here. Donovans never say die, right?” My lips lift in a sorrowful smile. We always used to say that. We were tenacious. Not willing to give up on anything. Ever. And I know that’s how Lucas was in his final moments, fighting to the death, unwilling to give up or give in.

And that’s how I want to be. Unafraid. Determined.

I nod, feeling as if my brother is right there with me, smiling over me as I come to this realization. As if coming to this place really did give me the clarity I was searching for.

I stand, a new resolve forming in my spirit, and I tell my brother what I’m going to do as a plan forms in my mind.

“I’m going to get Cara back. I’m going to make her mine. Forever.”