Declan

---

Grace’s story had fucked me up.

I wanted to find her ex and break every bone in his body. I didn’t, mostly because I had promised Grace that I wouldn’t. But even more, though I knew she worried I would think of her as a weakling, lose respect for her, the exact opposite was true.

I had always known she had a story, but to imagine her going through that, giving up her entire family and still coming out of that the woman she was now, how could I do anything but respect her?

Who the fuck was I kidding?

I didn’t just respect Grace.

I loved her.

That scared the shit out of me.

I would chop my hand off before I would lift it to hurt Grace, but some small part of me wondered.

Maybe her ex had thought the same thing, maybe Aengus had.

Maybe I said that now, but later, I would lose my temper, do something I would regret.

Even as I thought that, I hoped it wasn’t true, prayed it wasn’t, but I couldn’t say for sure, and that was something I needed to work on.

But first…

I stopped at the abandoned lot and saw Aengus ambling out in front.

“You’re late,” he said as he approached the car.

“What do you want? Money?” I said.

“No. I have something to give to you,” Aengus said.

He looked almost excited, something that made me wary. Aengus’s excitement was never for anything good, so I wasn’t sure what this would lead to.

“There’s nothing you have that I want, Aengus,” I said.

“You say that now, but hear me out,” he said.

“You have one minute,” I responded.

“I won’t need that long. I got a score. Somebody looking to clean some serious cash. Could be good for you,” he said.

“Fuck off, Aengus, and don’t call me again,” I said.

I rolled up the window and drove off without another word.

Aengus would call me again, and I would answer, but I had to prove my point.

I knew I was fucking up by continuing to do this, but every time I tried to stop I couldn’t. I thought about my mother, thought about what she had made me promise, thought about the mercy that I hoped someone would give me.

That was no good, but I hadn’t yet thought of a way out of this, and until then, I would just maintain and focus on what was important.

And that was her.

I would get to see Grace today.

I hadn’t seen her in two days, and they had felt like an eternity. Even still, I knew I probably shouldn’t see her today either. I was way too fucking raw after sparring with Aengus, and I never liked Grace to see me like that.

I also knew I would explode if I stayed away, so I headed to her house, relieved she hadn’t yet left for the pub. As on edge as my emotions were, when I walked onto her porch, I still felt like a nervous kid going on his first date.

Not a good look, not at all, so I tried my hardest to portray complete cool as I knocked on the door.

The wreath that hung there made me smile. It was such a touch of normalcy, and almost instantly made me think of Grace and a home, warmth. I tried very hard to avoid those types of thoughts, knew that I was getting far, far ahead of myself, but seeing that, imagining the home that she and I could build together made it difficult.

I listened to her approach and waited as she unlocked the door and then opened it.

“Declan?” she asked.

“Hey,” I said as I entered.

“We didn’t have plans,” Grace said as she looked at me quizzically.

I nodded. “I know, but I told Sean to take the night off and spend time with Jess and Jake. I’ll take you to the pub and we can come back here later,” I said.

I looked at Grace, who was absolutely beautiful, her hair down, just grazing her shoulders, her casual clothes giving her that look of comfort that I had just been dreaming of.

Everything inside of me wanted to go to her, kiss her until we were breathless, tell her exactly how I felt, but I couldn’t do that, so I stayed still.

That decision was made when I looked at her and saw that she wasn’t moving.

I thought for just an instant that something like confusion, maybe annoyance crossed her face, but she quickly wiped it away and nodded.

“Okay,” she said slowly. “I’m not quite ready, so make yourself at home.”

“Okay,” I said, moving to the lone seating in the living area.

Grace smiled quickly, but just as quickly looked away and walked into the back of the house.

I sat there, wondering. That had not been the reception I was expecting. If anything, Grace didn’t seem happy about my presence here, and I wondered why.

Yes, we hadn’t set any real boundaries or defined the contours of our relationship. But this kind of visit shouldn’t have been something of concern. And I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was.

Perhaps I was just being paranoid, something that wasn’t unfamiliar, and was usually well-earned, but in this case I knew I wasn’t. My gut told me something was off, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Maybe she could sense the turmoil I was only barely managing to keep at bay? Or maybe she didn’t like me showing up like this unannounced?

Or, perhaps she regretted telling me what about her past. Maybe she thought it made me think less of her when nothing could be further from the truth.

The question was, did I have the balls to ask her what was going on?

I didn’t.

I knew that when she emerged ten minutes later, now dressed as she so often was.

Like always, my heart thudded a little bit harder and on instinct I stood, went to her, and gave in to that instinct that had pushed me before.

Before she could speak, or I could, I gripped her face in my hands, worrying my thumb along her cheekbone as I brushed my lips against hers.

All of the turmoil, the question of what she thought of me coming here fled. Like always, when I kissed her, the only thing that existed was her, the way her skin felt against my hands, her lips against mine, the way her soft, ripe body grazed mine.

I brushed my lips against hers once, twice, and on the third time she sighed, parted her lips slightly.

I took the invitation for what it was and thrust my tongue into the warm depths of her mouth, kissing her as deeply as I dared.

But soon, I broke the kiss.

Had I let it continue, I knew exactly where it would have led, and I didn’t want to hear Sean complaining.

When I looked down at Grace, some of that dreamy softness that I so often saw in her eyes had returned. It gave me some measure of comfort, made me think that maybe everything was okay.

“I’ll just grab my bag,” she said, gesturing toward the front door where her bag sat.

But instead of stepping aside, I trailed my fingers across her cheek, down her chin, against her neck, down over the soft rise of her breasts and stomach to reach for her hand.

I entwined my fingers with hers, her small palm all but disappearing in mine. Then, hand still linked with hers, I walked toward the door.

And then let her go until we reached my car, and even then, I only released her hand long enough to get into the driver’s side. Held her hand the entire way, reflecting on how natural it felt, on how much I liked it.

When I glanced at Grace, she was looking out of the window at the passing scenery, her face serene.

I realized then I had been overreacting earlier. Reading into things when there was no reason to. It occurred to me then, something that Patrick had said once.

And he’d been right. Love, this feeling, it required trust. And I would learn to do that, trust my feelings for her, hers for me, and if I did that, I knew that I would be opening myself to a world that I had dreamed of but never thought was a reality.

Four hours later, that trust was getting a serious test.

I sat in my usual spot in the especially noisy bar, stewing, on the verge of exploding.

The night had started off usual, better than, since I had gotten to kiss Grace.

I hadn’t even been too upset when Gary arrived, and then went through his usual routine of making a big show of flirting with Grace with absolutely no subtlety at all.

No, that shit pissed me off, but I bit that annoyance back, determined not to let Gary fucking McMasters get under my skin.

But as I had sat, watching as he ordered drink after drink, drinks that Grace delivered with her warm and serene smile, my anger had grown.

And even worse than the anger was the uncertainty.

I talked about trust, how important it was, but my mind couldn’t stop itself from going back to earlier, the confusion on her face when I had shown up at her house.

It occurred to me then that maybe Gary was so relentless in his pursuit because Grace wasn’t as opposed to it as I’d wanted her to be.

I took a swallow of the water that was in front of me, careful not to squeeze the glass too tight. I was also glad I had foregone a drink of my own. When one of us was tending the pub without the others, it was our informal rule not to drink. We knew that we needed a clear head, and given how I was feeling now, adding alcohol to the mix would not be smart.

Because as much as I tried to reason with myself, and try I did, my mind kept coming back to that question.

Yes, when Grace and I made love, it was transcendent, at least to me. But other than the way she reacted physically, I had no idea how she responded to that. Maybe that connection I craved, believed in with all my heart wasn’t there for her.

Maybe I was nothing to her.

My already low mood cratered at that thought.

I tried to tell myself that I didn’t know anything, and that even if I did, it didn’t matter. But that logic was lost on my foggy brain. Because the truth was, as deeply as I felt for Grace, as much as I treasured her, I had no idea if she felt the same about me.

She had never given me any indication that she did, other than sharing her body with me.

So it seemed logical that perhaps the tie that I felt was my own and not hers, that I was building a beautiful love story for us in my head, while she was just having a nice fling.

I looked at her, followed her gaze to where Gary sat, and looked back to see the slight tilt of her head, the patient smile on her face.

She walked toward him, moving through the bar with practiced ease, never taking her eyes off his.

I almost couldn’t take my eyes off her, but did when she reached him.

I shouldn’t have.

Gary couldn’t have been more smitten, and in his drunken state, he seemed unable or unwilling to try to hide it.

Instead he smiled up at Grace, and though I wasn’t close enough to hear what they were saying, I imagined how the conversation was going.

Her telling him he’d had enough, him insisting he hadn’t, the whole thing happening with smiles and flirting, and soon, he would touch her.

I prayed, prayed more desperately than I had in years, that he wouldn’t.

I kept telling myself not to react, that it didn’t matter, and like clockwork, Gary staggered to his feet, resting an arm around Grace’s waist to brace himself.

I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the sight, Gary’s arm around her waist, his hand casually resting above her hip like he had every right to put it there.

I noticed how close he was to her, the way her breasts rested against his chest.

And then, I didn’t know anything at all except that I would explode if I spent another second watching him touch her like that.

One moment I was at my table, holding onto a water glass for dear life, the next I was striding across the pub.

I kept my eyes straight ahead, didn’t allow them to veer off course, but through my periphery I could see the people easing out of my way without me having to say a word.

The volume in the bar got a little lower, but I wasn’t sure if it was that or if the blood that was rushing through my head, carrying the rage throughout my body had made it too hard to really hear.

Grace saw me coming first, looked at me with surprise and then worry.

I didn’t look at her.

Instead I kept my gaze on Gary.

Without preamble, I walked to the side that was opposite Grace and then reached for his arm.

I twisted, Gary’s shocked, strangled cry filling the bar. I glared at the man, who looked back at me panicked, but that panic did nothing to calm me.

I twisted a little harder, hard enough that his knees buckled.

I used my free hand to grab Gary around the collar and then twisted his arm behind his back.

“What the hell, Declan!” he said, his face twisted, his voice pained.

“Declan…” Grace whispered.

It was usually hard for me to interpret those whispers, but I couldn’t mistake her intent now. In that single utterance of my name she was telling me to stop, almost begging me to.

I couldn’t.

I almost felt like I was outside of myself, watching as I marched Gary forward.

“What did I fucking tell you last time?” I said through clenched teeth.

“I’m sorry! Whatever it is, it won’t happen again,” he said.

“No, it won’t,” I replied.

I kept walking, made it to the back entrance of the bar. Gary was in front of me, and when we reached the metal door I kept walking, driving him into the heavy metal face-first.

I didn’t hear the telltale sound of breaking bone, but blood started to gush from his nose immediately, and the shriek from earlier became a full-blown scream.

I resisted the impulse to bash his head against the door again, and instead dropped my arm and pushed the door open.

“Fuck off and don’t come back,” I said to Gary.

I pushed him out of the door and then pulled it closed.

By the time I turned, I could see the people who had already started to leave the pub. I paid none of them any attention. Instead I looked at Grace who had moved.

Her expression was unreadable, her face totally flat, but the fire that sparked in her eyes told me how much I had fucked up.

I didn’t know if I would be able to fix it, but I’d sure as hell try.

---

Declan

---

Grace hadn’t said a word to me for hours.

I hadn’t spoken to her either.

What was there to say?

I’d done something, probably wasn’t my finest moment, but I certainly wasn’t going to apologize for it. If she had something to say, it was up to her.

I kept telling myself that, though the excruciating hours since I had thrown Gary out were starting to make me question that commitment.

By the time we wordlessly climbed into my car, I was close to my breaking point.

Still, I didn’t speak. I knew that doing so would make me weak, and I didn’t want that. Couldn’t have it.

But the desire to say something to her, have her say something to me, was almost overwhelming.

Still, I ignored it, and instead let that grim silence brew even after I had parked in front of her house.

I considered staying in the car, but just as quickly dismissed the idea. There was no way I would leave her now, not after this.

Instead I followed her inside, marginally surprised when she allowed me and with no fuss.

I stayed quiet just as she did as she stepped out of her shoes, deposited her bag in the same place and locked her front door.

Then, finally, she turned to look at me.

“Decla—”

She didn’t even get the word out. I went to her and kissed her.

We’d played out a similar interlude earlier in the day, but where that had been sweet, born out of my need for her, this was something different.

She hadn’t spoken, and in that silence, I knew that she was slipping away.

That couldn’t happen.

But I also knew I couldn’t trust myself with words, knew that Grace wouldn’t accept words.

So I did all that I knew how to do, and tried to show her with my body.

After a moment I broke away and looked down at her, some part of me marveling that we’d come this far, a small part of me worried it would end.

But I pushed that thought away and reached for her, feeling a moment’s joy when she came to me automatically. I didn’t let myself focus on that, though. If nothing else, I knew that Grace wanted me physically. I had no doubt about that at all. But what I needed was for her to trust me, to know that I would always treasure her, never do anything to harm her.

I wondered how I could make her believe that when I wasn’t sure that I believed it myself.

For a moment I froze, doubt threatening to overtake me, along with the urge to run. She’d be better off without me, and I’d learn to live without her.

But even as I thought it, I knew it couldn’t happen.

Grace was as much a part of me as my own heart. Grace was my heart. And I needed her to know that.

Again, I tried to speak the words and again they died in my throat. I didn’t know why I couldn’t say them, but I wouldn’t allow myself to examine that question too closely.

Instead, I stroked my fingers down her smooth cheek, trembling at the feel of her soft skin against my fingertips. I knew I’d never get used to that, knew that I would never be immune to the joy of touching Grace.

I breathed out hard at that thought, but then pushed it aside and focused on her.

I leaned close and brushed my lips against hers, the contact making me shiver.

This was something else I’d never get used to. Grace’s soft lips against mine, her body filling my arms perfectly. Her presence bringing me a peace that I’d never felt.

I deepened the kiss, prodding against her lips until she opened. And though I was on edge, eager with the need to bring us together, I held back. This felt important, monumental. Because I didn’t want Grace to feel my passion. She’d done so many times before, knew that I wanted her just as I knew that she wanted me. What I needed to do now was show her that there was so much more, that there could be a lifetime in the end.

For a moment, she was still, but then she kissed me back. Gingerly at first but then with increasing urgency. It seemed I wasn’t the only one with something to convey.

As Grace kissed me, I felt as though she was speaking words, asking if she could trust me, if she could trust herself.

I couldn’t speak for her, but my answer came without hesitation.

I broke the kiss and stared down at her. I ignored her kiss-swollen lips, the way her breath came out heavy, and focused on her eyes. I stared at her, searching, hoping that she could see all I felt, not certain that she could.

When she lowered her lids, my heart felt as though it skipped a beat. I couldn’t shake the feeling that she was hiding from me. My instinct was to stop her, make her show me what she was thinking, but I pushed it away.

This was about Grace, about what she wanted, what she could take, and trying to force the issue would only prove to her that I couldn’t be trusted.

So I stayed still, looked down at Grace’s face, her eyes hidden by lowered lashes. The moment stretched, got longer, deeper, until I thought I would break.

Just before I did, Grace looked up at me again. I studied her eyes for some sign, anything.

I saw nothing, and in that instant, I could feel my heart beginning to break.

But just as quickly, the moment turned.

Grace stretched up and kissed me, the caresses soft, gentle, yet strong.

Like her.

I linked my arms around her waist and pulled her close to me, flattening our bodies against each other’s.

She sighed and it was she who deepened the kiss this time. I stayed still, calm, letting her lead. It felt like Grace needed something, and I would not deny her, even if I could have.

As she kissed me, she snaked her hands under my shirt, her warm, soft palms against my skin making me shiver. Still I remained as I was and allowed her to explore.

It was exquisite torture, Grace’s gentle hands on my body, and then, after she pulled my shirt up and off, her lips tracing my skin.

A broken sigh burst from my throat when she closed her lips around my nipple and traced it with her tongue.

Yet I stayed as I was, not knowing if this was some kind of test but intent on passing it nevertheless. This had started as my way to prove something to Grace, but the moment had shifted and I got the sense that she needed to prove something to herself.

I watched as she worked my pants open, and pulled them and my underwear down. My cock seemed to be straining toward her of its own volition, but I ignored the desire, no the imperative need, to take her and instead quickly stepped out of my shoes and clothes and watched her.

She watched me too, didn’t take her eyes off me as she tugged down her own skirt.

For a moment, my gaze was riveted to her full thighs and soft, dark skin, but I soon met her eyes again, saw the fire blazing there as she discarded her shirt and then her underwear.

We stood that way for I don’t know how long, each of us seeming to take measure of the other.

When I looked at her, I saw a future that I dreamed of, the woman I would love forever.

I didn’t know what she saw when she looked at me, and that not knowing made my stomach twist.

But when Grace moved forward and brought out bodies together, trapping my cock against her soft stomach, all thought fled.

Just as she stretched up to kiss me, I leaned down and met her halfway.

All of our kisses had been explosive and this was no exception. Except now, the passion, the need, the connection that had brought us together was even deeper, more meaningful.

I poured as much of myself as I could into that kiss, prayed with all I had that it would be enough.

It was Grace who broke the kiss this time.

She pulled away and then looked up at me with those dark, mysterious eyes. Then, without speaking, she reached for my hand and guided me to her bedroom. I watched her body as she walked, enjoying the gentle sway of her curves, the anticipation of what was to come.

We moved as one, Grace lying on the bed and me following, my breath seizing as I again recalled how amazing it felt to have her under me.

I’d propped myself on one elbow and stared down at her.

My cock was notched at the apex of her thighs, everything inside of me demanding that I enter her.

But I stayed still, waited, watching Grace as she watched me.

When she reached between us and wrapped her fingers around my cock, I stiffened but didn’t move. Instead I watched as she parted her thighs and guided me to her entrance, her hot, snug walls beckoning me inside.

Again we stayed that way, seeming frozen, but in the next breath, she shifted, dropping her hips so that I pierced her entrance.

I lifted my eyes to hers, saw that some part of her was still distant, unreadable.

I didn’t focus on that, and instead kept my mind on the passion in her eyes, the slight nod of her head.

At that gesture, I finally moved, thrusting until I was completely inside her, not a millimeter of space separating us.

I closed my eyes, laid my forehead against hers as I listened to her breath.

And then, I thrust, determined to show this woman how much I loved her.

Hoping this wasn’t the last time.