Declan

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I wasn’t a coward.

I knew that, and could point to many, many things in my life that proved it. But when it came to Grace, I was in full retreat. Those tastes of her, some sweet, some sinful, the delectable moments that I knew would be with me until the day I died left me no other choice. I hadn’t been foolish enough to think that I would be able to have her and then leave, but the intensity and ferocity with which I desired her was something that left me unmoored.

So, not being a coward, but also recognizing when I was close to being bested, I stayed away.

It was hard, nearly impossible, especially when I considered what she might think. I never wanted her to think anything but the best of herself, but I had to be smart. Until I could better control myself, or at least better understand what it was that made her so irresistible, I needed to stay away.

And at least today I had a very good reason.

I stopped at Patrick’s house and made my way inside, noting how he had intensified security.

I chuckled softly at that.

Patrick did a really good job of pretending that everything was the same, but I knew differently.

His love for Nya had never been in doubt; at least I hadn’t doubted it even if Patrick had resisted.

But the way he felt about his daughter… I hadn’t seen anything like it, and I wasn’t sure he understood it either.

I was happy for him. Knew that he would be the father to Siobhan that neither of us had ever had. I went to the house and was greeted by Patrick, who looked a little frayed.

“Looking a little rough around the edges there, Pat,” I said as I gave him a quick, one-armed hug.

“Funny thing. You wouldn’t think a two-week-old would have the ability to kick a grown man’s ass, but you would be mistaken,” he said.

I laughed, and then said, “Where is the two-week-old?”

“Upstairs. She and Nya are sleeping a bit,” he said.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping too?” I asked.

He shook his head. “No. They’ll be up soon enough, and we should talk anyway.”

I nodded and then followed him into his study. He might look a little rough around the edges, but I knew he was fully in tune with what was happening.

“What’s on your mind, Pat?” I asked.

“I’ve been a little distant. Haven’t kept my eyes on everything like I should have,” he said.

I shrugged. “Understandable. You have a lot going on. But we’re taking care of it,” I said.

“Still. It’s not fair. So get me back up to speed. What’s going on with the business?” he said.

I shrugged. “Not much, really,” I said.

And that was true. There wasn’t much going on, though most of that might have been my fault.

“And the warehouses. They are looking a little empty,” he said.

“Yeah,” I responded. “People are asking for spaces, but I’m taking it a little easy right now,” I said.

“Why?” he asked.

It was an interesting thing about Patrick. The question wasn’t a challenge exactly, but I knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with anything less than the truth.

“My choice,” I said.

I waited, watching him react, or rather not react. “What does that mean?” he said.

“It means there’s a lot going on. Sean and Jake, Michael and that damn hotel, you and the new baby. The other stuff is a hassle right now, one that none of us need,” I said.

“And this is something you decided on your own?” he asked.

I could hear the depth of meaning in that question, and knew exactly what he was getting at. I wouldn’t shy away from it, though.

“Yeah,” I said. “There’s too much going on for you to have to handle the small stuff.”

“You think our business is the small stuff?” Patrick said.

“Compared to your families? Yeah, I think the business is the small stuff.”

Patrick couldn’t refuse that argument, but I could see that he wasn’t satisfied. “I don’t like you doing stuff like this without talking to me, Declan,” he said.

“Yeah, I can imagine, but I made a judgment call,” I said. I wasn’t tentative, but I wasn’t sure how Patrick would react. He deferred to me, much more so than the others, but that didn’t mean he’d take my words at face value or that he’d necessarily agree with me.

Patrick studied me, his eyes probing. I was good at keeping some things from him, but not others, and knew that of all my brothers, I was closest to Patrick, and he knew me the best.

“Declan, what’s going on?” he asked.

I studied him a moment, unsure what to say. Eventually, I shrugged, shook my head. “Nothing’s going on, Pat,” I said.

He didn’t believe me, I could see that, and he knew that I could, but he didn’t press the issue.

“We can’t do this,” he said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“This,” he said. “We can’t keep things from each other.”

“And you think I’m keeping something from you?” I asked.

He nodded. “Yes, I think you’re keeping something from me. I think you always have,” he said.

I looked at him, stunned, and confused.

“What are you talking about, Pat?” I said.

“I think you know, Declan, and one day you’re going to tell me,” he said.

His brows had dipped low, his face so reminiscent of my own. And I could see the anger underneath.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. But it sounds like you don’t trust me,” I said, trying to deflect him. I could think of little that Patrick would find as disrespectful as me questioning his trust.

But if my words annoyed him, they didn’t deter him. “Nice try, but it’s not going to work. You know I trust you. It’s the only reason I’ve let this stand for so long,” he said.

“Seriously, Pat, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said. I fucking hated that I couldn’t be completely honest with my brother, but what I hated even more was the thought of him pitying me.

“And I don’t believe you. But, Declan, whatever it is, you can trust me just like I trust you,” he said.

I shook my head but didn’t say anything. Patrick didn’t push either. He knew me well enough to know that he wouldn’t get anywhere if he did, and besides, he had given me more than enough to think about. I sat there for another moment and waited, then looked at Patrick.

“Tell Nya I’ll come visit her and the baby some other time,” I said as I stood.

“I will. And what are you going to do?” Patrick asked.

I knew that question went far deeper than I wanted, so I ignored it and said, “I’ll see you later, Pat.”

I left, not lingering at all, and again questioning whether my insistence that I wasn’t a coward was true. I had behaved in a most cowardly way, running out of here as I had.

But, as I drove, it occurred to me that that cowardly nest had extended to so many other areas of my life. And also pointed out that I had a ridiculous degree of hubris. My brother Patrick was one of the smartest people I had ever known. How could I have thought I could keep something away from him, especially something so important and for so many years?

It hadn’t even occurred to me that he might know, or at least suspect. And then I felt even worse.

I was reminded that this was what I had been trying to avoid all along.

I was getting closer to Grace, and in the process I might be losing my brothers.