“Why is that dog there?”
“Why is that boy wearing a jacket?”
“Why are we coming here, Auntie?”
Dear Lord, please grant me the strength I need for these babies. And, please have a bottle of wine chilled in the fridge when we get to the house. Amen.
I get it, that’s not a real prayer. I’m not exactly the go to church on Sunday kind of gal anymore; yeah yeah, take it up with my mother, she’s not pleased either. But, in tough times, you dig deep to your beliefs and ask for help. Like my sister. When Dakota came to me and confessed her pain pill addiction, a piece of my soul broke along with her. My respect and admiration for her only grew in that moment. Many people would look at her and pass judgment. Not me.
Dakota Jennings is an amazing woman—caring, loving, selfless, and gentle. To know that she had spiraled down a path that none of us could have imagined … well, it was a lot to take in. Then I looked at my beautiful sister and I knew I would do anything to help her, just like she has done for me our entire lives.
“Arizona, the boy in the jacket is walking that dog. I’m not quite sure why he’s wearing a jacket since it’s at least eighty outside, but who are we to judge?”
“Auntie, Cali is going to cry. I dowannahearher!”
We’re quickly headed to a meltdown. I can’t do a meltdown in this car. I’ll go insane. It’s been a quiet two hours while my nine-month-old niece slept and Arizona asked me every question under the sun. I’m not quite certain which is worse—the crying and fussing or the incessant questioning. All I know is that my single glass of wine tonight after they go to sleep will taste even sweeter.
Moderately successful in tuning out my sweet and inquisitive four-year-old niece, I send a plea to a stirring baby Cali to hold off on her anticipated cry fest. Yes, my nieces are named Arizona and Cali. It’s a long story that goes beyond my sister’s obsession with the television show Grey’s Anatomy. Without too much detail, Dakota and I were both named after the states in which we were allegedly conceived. When Dakota and Jeff started trying for a family, she intended to keep that tradition afloat. Alas, our family was blessed with Arizona, Ari for short, and Cali.
Yes, Dakota was conceived in one of the two Dakotas, we never could determine which, and I was lucky enough to be conceived in Minnesota. As a pre-teen, I used to ask my parents why they couldn’t have settled in the south. Why couldn’t I be Carolina or Georgia? I could work with Georgia. Minnesota? They didn’t give me a fighting chance.
By the time I was in high school, I threatened almost weekly to change my name the day I turned eighteen. However, by the time I turned eighteen I was just simply Minnie and had conceded defeat. Sure, I wish my name was something sexy like Bianca or Jasmine. It’s not. But, then again, I don’t consider myself sexy.
I look again from the sticky note I have the address written on then back to the numbers on the mailboxes. We’re just a few houses away from our destination and I know the minute I turn off the ignition, Cali will wake up. I’m okay with that, if I can get her out of her seat and walk around with her. Otherwise, it’s going to be two meltdowns at once.
The moment I pull the car into the driveway, the first whimper of an awakening baby fills the confines of my car. This simple whimper sends Ari into further dramatics. The fits are less tantrum and more “episodes”. This behavior started shortly after the accident and when she was getting a little extra attention to compensate for the loss.
“Ari, look how pretty the new house is. Are you ready to see your new room? Remember, Uncle Linc has a surprise for you.” My attempts to distract her before she begins whining are successful as she starts talking about her princess room Papa promised her.
I unbuckle my seatbelt and exit the car. Once I open the door closest to Arizona, I lean across her body to unbuckle her when she reaches out to touch my cheek. “Auntie Min? Is okay to be sad, my mama said so.”
I need to get a handle on my poker face. Arizona Jennings is a very perceptive child and can always feel when I’m a little sad. I will my tears to stay hidden. I only let them fall when these babies are asleep and I am alone. The loss our family has suffered is not one I want to burden them with; I want to absorb their burden and let them live the lives they’re meant to have.
“Thanks, baby. Should we go see what Uncle Linc did?”
“Yep. I bet he left the potty seat up. Nana says he’s lazy as an old dog on a porch. Are old dogs lazy, Auntie?”
I let out a small laugh. My brother is a lot of things, but most of all, he is the laziest little shit I know. And, yep, we’re all to blame. He’s been coddled and spoiled since the day Mom brought him home. Of course, he’s also a rotten little shit, always reminding Dakota and myself that he’s named after the city he was conceived in and not the state. And, that’s why we call him Nebraska. Little fucker.
“Sometimes old dogs are lazy, Ari. Let’s get out of this car and stretch our legs. Come on.”
I finish helping Ari out of her very secure five-point harness before moving out of the way so she can explore the yard. I mocked the car seat at first, not understanding why a little kid needed such a complex strap. Then, a few months ago, Ari gave Dakota a fright when she managed to undo the old, less complex harness herself while Dakota was driving. I’ll never forget the anxiety in Dakota’s voice when she called to tell me what happened.
At the time, I didn’t realize how much she was suffering beyond an unbuckled car seat and I still harbor that guilt. I simply blew it off as something little kids must do. I regret that cavalier attitude. But, I did go with her to purchase the most secure and complicated car seat imaginable the very next day.
Scurrying from the car as soon as I allow her enough room, Arizona takes off running around the small yard of the little bungalow that is her new home and where I’ll be living for the foreseeable future. The house is a traditional craftsman style home with three bedrooms and two baths. The owners have kept the integrity of the style of the home but added modern pieces to make it the perfect fit for us. When Dakota spotted this house weeks ago, I didn’t expect to be moving in here so soon. But, as luck would have it, the house was not only for sale but vacant and the homeowners were thrilled with the idea of a quick sale.
I allow myself just a few moments while I watch Ari run carefree around the yard, as she should. Turning my back to Ari, I reach in to unlatch Cali’s harness.
“Hello, my love bug. How was your nap?” Cali rewards my questions with a toothy grin and little baby hands to my face. Hands I place a kiss to the palm of. Once I’ve removed Cali from her seat, I pull my keys from my purse on the front seat and call for Ari to join me on the porch. As I’m about to place the key into the lock, Ari comes to stand next to me with her little hand on my thigh.
“I think Papa and Uncle Linc left you a surprise. Should we go see?” My gaze catches hers as I see a little twinkle in them at the idea of a surprise just for her.
“I like presents though.” Her lower lip begins to pout, but it’s as if she has a new idea and her expression changes. “Wait! Is the surprise a present?” Her excitement is contagious and suddenly I’m excited to see how the surprise turned out.
“Yes, baby, it’s a present. How about we find out what it is?”
“Yes!”
Arizona’s little eyes are wide and full of promise and hope but the loss of her daddy and now her mommy are evident just around the edges. In her four years, this little girl has been through more than most adults and far more than a child should. I smile down to her and she looks up at me with bright eyes full of hope and I remind myself that all the sacrifices I’ve made are worth it.
The key sticks a little in the lock, causing me to put a little effort into turning it. I’ll need to remember to have that looked at. Finally, the lock clicks and I push open the door, allowing Arizona to lead me into the house. Stopping to set my keys on the small table in the foyer, I turn to close the front door. I quickly glance to my left to confirm the living room is set up as I hoped. Last weekend, my dad and brother brought all of Dakota’s furniture, plus what little furniture I had, and set everything up for me. I won’t say my Type A personality was in full force but I may have sent them with sketches of furniture placement.
Arizona kicks off her little sandals and her bare feet on the newly installed laminate flooring echo through the house. The house is designed in a horseshoe with the rooms stacked on each side of a small hallway. Dakota and I searched for a more open-concept house but there just weren’t any, and once she saw the large porch and beautiful backyard she was okay with the less-than-ideal floorplan.
I’m still not used to carrying Cali around so I must shift her to my other hip as I walk toward the kitchen. The kitchen is a large U with a breakfast bar that separates a breakfast nook area where my dad has placed a small table I don’t recall either Dakota or myself owning. Sneaky, sneaky. Further investigation confirms that instead of my mom placing a bottle of my favorite white wine in the refrigerator, she has instead stocked the small wine cooler. I must remember to thank her for that. Although, it will probably take me months to get through the six bottles she’s placed there, the gesture is appreciated.
I peek into the laundry room that sits between the kitchen and back deck just as a high-pitched squeal of excitement comes from the back of the house. I know Arizona has found her room. Excited to see her face as she takes it all in, I shift Cali from one hip to the other and head toward her shouts of joy.
“What in the world is happening that has you yelling so much, Arizona?”
“Auntie, Auntie! Did you see? Did you see my room?” Her voice is ten decibels higher than normal, joy oozing out of every pore of her little body. Pure joy exudes her as she jumps on her knees in excitement while pointing at the castle-like accessory my dad and brother installed. “It’s a CASTLE! A castle! I’m really a princess!”
I set Cali on the floor before walking over to the bunk beds my parents purchased for the girls. A set of bunk beds painted white, the top bunk has an attachment that makes it look like a castle. It’s a removable piece that I’m sure will come down over the next few years as she grows up, but for now, it’s perfect for her sweet four-year-old self.
“I see,” I say while climbing up to her level, a huge smile on my face. “It’s very cool. Papa did a great job!” Her excitement is contagious and I’ve never been more grateful for my dad and brother as I am now watching Arizona. “Being a princess is pretty cool. Do you think you can handle it?” She nods excitedly. “Do you remember why princesses are special?”
Ari begins tapping her chin and looking off into the distance in thought. I glance back to make sure Cali isn’t into anything she shouldn’t be and find that she’s managed to crawl over to a pile of her toys and is playing. I return my attention to Arizona as she finishes what is obviously a very serious thought process.
“You said that princesses are kind and my Nana said that princesses are ‘sponsible,” she declares confidently with a nod.
“That’s right, princesses are kind and responsible.” I reach up to Ari’s head and pull her close to me, placing a gentle kiss to the top of her head, allowing myself to appreciate the sweet smell of her shampoo and the lingering scent of … peanut butter. Great. “I’m going to look at the rest of the house, do you think you can stay here and play with your sister?”
Without a word, Arizona climbs down from the top bunk and waves me off as she lays down on the floor with Cali and helps her stack blocks. Ari is really a sweet girl and so very patient with her baby sister. She’s taken the last few months hard but she’s resilient and I’m in awe of her every single day.
Next to the girls’ room is a second bedroom with a queen-size bed, end table with lamp, and chest of drawers. This will be where I stay after Dakota returns from rehab. I don’t plan on living here, but I will stay for as long as she needs me. At the end of the hall is the main bathroom. I peek behind the shower curtain and confirm the girls’ bath toys are already in the tub. I suddenly realize that probably isn’t normal. But, I wanted today to be as easy on not only Ari and Cali but myself.
The master bedroom sits at the end of the hall, and as I step through the doors, I am pleased to see the new furniture I purchased for Dakota. A few months ago, she stopped sleeping in her bedroom because she realized the memories were too much. I think this is when her problems started to escalate, but I can’t be sure. I know that is when her pain increased. Sleeping on a couch night after night is hard on anyone, but when you’re recovering from multiple broken bones, it’s significantly worse.
The master bath is my favorite part of this house. Not only is there a modern shower with a glass door but beneath the large window and overlooking the backyard is an actual claw-foot tub. The books I plan to read in there, well it’s a long list.
I can hear Arizona lecturing Cali and look at my watch. It’s past their lunchtime and close to time for Ari to lay down for a nap. I toss an unspoken promise to the claw-foot tub that we will have time together before heading toward a demanding four-year-old who is trying to explain responsibility to a nine-month old.
“I promise they’re fine, Mom.”
My mother called me about twenty minutes after Ari finally fell asleep for her nap. I was bringing in our suitcases when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I considered ignoring the call, but then I realized we’re a team now and there will be no more avoiding my parents’ calls.
“You keep saying that, Minnesota, but I’m not sure I believe you.”
“Of course, you don’t. Look, I’m perfectly capable of caring for these girls and you know it. I love them too, Mom.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I just feel so helpless.” I hear her sniffle and regret my tone. “I don’t know why you couldn’t just move in with us so we could do this together.”
While it would have been easier to move in with my parents and have their help full-time, that wasn’t what Dakota wanted. Besides, there is no way on this green earth I was going to move back home. I love my parents and we’re a close family, but I’m twenty-six years old and, while nothing else is going as planned, that is so off my potential life moments list that I adamantly refused and used Dakota’s wishes as my excuse.
Of course, none of us planned for this scenario. When I told Dakota the girls would move in with Kent and me, it seemed like the most logical step. I was never more wrong. I had assumed, and you know what they say when you assume? Something about being an ass and all that. Yeah well, I wasn’t the ass in this scenario but I was on the receiving end of the asshole behavior.
To my surprise, Kent informed me that he is more interested in being the kind of uncle who sees his nieces on holidays and maybe a few hours on the weekend. Stepping up to be a full-time father figure when they needed him most wasn’t in his “life plan.”
I took a hard look at not only my relationship with Kent but at my life. I knew then I needed to end my relationship. But, I also realized none of the life I was leading was who I was deep down and was not who I wanted to be.
Then, Dakota told me that while she was financially secure, thanks to Jeff’s financial planning and life insurance, she was still going to sell her house. The extra money she would secure from the sale of the home would allow Dakota to enter a private, and expensive, treatment facility. Plus, regardless of what the doctors and therapists said, Dakota insisted a fresh start was going to be necessary for her and the girls.
I don’t believe in signs, per se, but even I was willing to admit this opportunity was a flashing neon sign telling me to step up and do this on my own. To help my sister, care for my nieces, and evaluate exactly what I was going to do with the rest of my life.
Leaving my job should have been a consideration, but it wasn’t. Kent and I work at the same company and the idea of having to interact with him after moving out was less than desirable. In a week’s time, my sister came to me in her second darkest hour, my nieces needed me, my three-year relationship ended, and I walked away from my job of four years.
My parents, more my mom than my dad, tried to convince Dakota to save her money or buy closer to them. I think Mom was worried she wouldn’t be part of the girls’ lives, that she couldn’t see them all the time, or have her Nana time. Once she realized we’re only about two hours away, she calmed down. Well, as much as my mother can calm down anyway.
This house is smaller than the home Dakota sold, and moving to a smaller town allowed for her to purchase the home in cash. I thought my mom may feign a heart attack at the thought of her granddaughters not being closer, but she knows that Dakota has a post-release plan. A fresh start and not returning to her old life and memories is priority number one.
She’ll never forget, and honestly, I’m not sure she’ll ever move on, but I understand the need to start fresh. Turns out we’ll both be starting over and doing it together isn’t a bad thing.