Chapter 14: Autumn

I woke up next to Dallas that morning, and everything felt right with the world. There he was, sleeping soundly while his muscular chiseled chest rose and fell with his breaths. Watching him, I couldn’t help but dance my fingertips along the crest of his pecs. He’d always been handsome, but rodeos, farms, and time had been kind to his body. He’d tacked on more muscle than I ever thought a man of his stature would have, and I reveled in the bite marks that cascaded over his shoulders and chest.

He had been taking such excellent care of me over these past three weeks, making me food and drawing me baths every night. My parents were coming by as often as they could, and he let them in with no issues and no fuss. Every time I turned around, I had clean clothes folded in my drawers and, my toiletries were slowly replenishing themselves. Plus, his cabbage soup was the best and I had to consciously make sure to keep my mouth shut about it whenever my mother was around so that she wouldn’t get jealous. Honest to God, nothing was as good as Mom’s cooking when I was in Paris and I had missed it terribly, but Dallas certainly knew his way around a kitchen and could give my Mom a run for her money. I could feel the little paunch in my gut that wouldn’t recede starting to grow even more.

“You gotta stop feeding me all this food,” I complained, although lightheartedly.

“Nothing wrong with a little meat on someone’s bones,” Dallas said with a smirk.

“Yeah, well, the fashion world isn’t kind to women who don’t keep themselves physically together.”

He shrugged. “Then maybe they just need to redefine their physical standards.”

Today was my third doctor’s appointment, and each one had told me I was healing well. The gauze finally came off in the second week, but I still wasn’t allowed to travel or do anything strenuous. Dallas had cradled my head when we made love, and his tongue had sent me to places I’d never found when I ran away to Paris. The moans and groans that fell from his lips whenever he was between my legs were nothing short of catastrophically beautiful. Since that first night, we’d made love several times over the course of the week and every time we woke up next to one another, I felt safe and cherished like I’d felt back in college.

Nevertheless, guilt started to bubble in my stomach while we rode in his truck to the doctor’s office. Today would be the day that they would tell me whether I could travel or not, and we both knew that. I was due back in Paris at the end of next week, and I knew there were still so many unanswered questions between us. My heart fluttered whenever his lips touched my skin and every time we woke up next to one another, I couldn’t help the smile that peeled across my face. Yet now, I was going to have to leave him again and go halfway around the world to continue pursuing my dreams.

He deserved better than that, and at the very least, he deserved answers.

“Dallas, do you think-”

“We’re about ten minutes out from the doctor,” he said, giving no smile or indication that he was ready for what the doctor had to say, which told me everything I needed to know.

He knew what was coming, and still had no answers about the last time I’d left him. Well, the time before last time.

Fuck, I was a terrible person.

“Dallas, maybe we could go get some food after and-”

“Let’s just see what the doctor says first, all right? There’s been a bit more… jostling… this week, and I want to make sure you’re all right.”

He reached over and grabbed my hand, and my heart began to speed up. He traced comforting circles around the top of my skin, and part of me wanted to pull this truck over and crawl into his lap. I wasn’t ready to talk about this, but I knew we had to, and now I got the feeling that Dallas wanted to avoid it at all costs.

My stomach lurched, making me increasingly nauseous.

When we pulled into the doctor’s office, I had to lean against the truck door to steady myself.

“You all right?” Dallas asked.

“Just fine,” I said with a sigh. Dallas gave me a searching look that indicated he didn’t entirely believe me, but said nothing. Moments later, we walked hand-in-hand into the doctor’s office. Once inside, I was seen immediately called into the examination room.

I reluctantly let go of Dallas’s hand and headed back by myself, where a few tests were performed before they took a bit of blood. I had lights shined in my eyes, and they looked into my ears. I followed fingers and got my reflexes checked, and when the doctor was finally done, she stood back and smiled.

“You’re healing beautifully, and we got your test results back from the procedures you had done at the hospital a couple of days ago.”

“Oh? Well, what do they look like? How’s all the swelling?”

“Nonexistent. Your brain looks like it’s finally healed, and you’ll be just fine to travel next week.”

“Oh.”

The memories of Dallas began to rush through my head. Memories of him holding me so close, touching me, and waking up to his smile danced through my mind, along with memories of him bringing me breakfast in bed and huddling down into the covers while we watched television together. I recalled how a few days ago, I’d heard commotion among the animals, so I wrapped a blanket around my naked body and made way for the window, where I watched him mount one of his horses bareback and go after a bull that was terrorizing a small newly born calf. In that moment, I saw a glimpse of the man who lived for the thrill. I watched him bring out a whip and a rope to physically drag the bull away from the calf. And after he finally had the bull controlled, I watched him hop off the horse and scoop the little calf up into his arms.

I knew I was in a hell of a lot of trouble when I thought, in that very moment, that he looked so good with small animals in his arms, that he would look even better with a small child in them.

The doctor patted my shoulder before writing some things on her pad and leaving. She left the door slightly opened, and I knew that Dallas would come bursting in just seconds later. My heart beamed at the protective role he had adopted when it came to taking care of me, but tears sprang to my eyes when I realized I’d have to tell him that

I was cleared to travel and would be leaving again soon.

I thought about things I’d missed out on with him while in Paris—rodeos I never watched him ride in, dinners I’d missed, vacations we could have taken lounging around on the beach, and hospital trips with his dad, where he could’ve used my support. I knew he’d inevitably been the rock of his family when his father’s health declined for the worst. But even those who were rock-solid needed a foundation to stand on.

I wondered who Dallas’s foundation was and if he sunk himself into different women to forget, or if he stayed away from women like I stayed away from men. I wondered if my presence penetrated his life like he still did mine. I had no right to claim him…No right to ask anything of him, really, other than to forgive me.

And part of me felt I didn’t even have the right to ask him that.

I owed him answers and I needed to be ready to give him those answers. I needed to brace for his anger and be prepared for the fact that he might throw me out. That he might get so angry and feel so betrayed that my shit would end up out on his front lawn by the time I get him calmed down long enough to talk. I’d made assumptions about him back in college whenever I’d left my life behind to go to Paris, and I knew exactly how Dallas felt about people assuming things about him.

I had to stop being so fucking scared and just talk with him.

He had questions, and I had answers he deserved, so it was my turn to take care of him. It was my turn to give him what he needed, even if it meant possibly destroying the greatest thing I’d ever built since I’d left for Paris after graduation.

But really, me going back to work at the end of next week would destroy that anyway. I was walking into a massive amount of work that had to be done on my end, and I probably wouldn't come back until next summer to visit my family.

Dallas deserved better than a string of summer romances with one used-up woman.

“Knock, knock,” Dallas said as he slowly stepped through the door with a massive smile on his face. “The doctor told me you were doing well.”

“Yeah,” I said. “She uh… she says everything seems to be healing just fine.”

“How’s the swelling?”

“Looks to be almost gone.”

“Good! That’s good. Any more restrictions?”

There it was, the question that would lead to all sorts of other questions. I’d tell him there were no restrictions and it would dawn on him that I could go back to work. And then he would wanna know what I did for work. That’s when I’d have to tell him I worked for a prominent fashion designer in Paris, which would make him curious. He’d ask how long I’d been working in Paris, and I’d have to tell him five years. And that’s when he’d do the math and it would happen…

All the questions he’d had for me would come pouring out at once.

I’d never been so thankful for a doctor interrupting me in all my life.

“All right!” she said. “We need you to try and pee in this cup again, and then you can head on out. I’ll see you in a week!”

Dallas smirked. “What a mood killer.”

“What mood? There was no mood.” I said.

“There’s always a mood when I’m with you,” Dallas teased.

“I could walk around in your mother’s moo-moo and it would make you horny.”

He laughed. “That’s because it isn’t the clothing that turns me on.”

His voice making my skin crawl, I grabbed the cup and made my way to the bathroom before I dug myself a deeper hole. I had to talk to him. I had to tell him everything. I had to tell him the doctor cleared me for travel and that I had to go back to Paris and that Paris was where I’d been for the past few years and that I didn’t think he would want to go with me and I figured he’d ask me to stay. I had to tell him he couldn't know because if he’d asked me to stay, I would’ve.

For him.

For us.

“How about we go get us some dinner at the house, and I find you one of those moo-moos you speak so highly of?” he asked cheekily through the bathroom door.

I washed my hands and whipped the door open, giving him a playful punch him in the arm. “You really are a piece of work,” I said, laughing.

“Want me to put that cup at the nurse’s station?”

“You’re not putting my pee cup anywhere, Dallas. I’m healing. I can do some things on my own now.”

I took the cup over to the nurse’s station. With a smile, she nodded goodbye to us.

Shortly thereafter, Dallas and I made our way towards the exit. When we stepped out into the harsh sunlight of an Oklahoma summer, Dallas slipped his hand around my waist.

“How are ya feelin’?” he asked in my ear.

I lied and told him I felt fine.