Chapter Twenty-Four
Annika
It’s still tense around here. Too tense. I’ve tried to talk to Lauren since she’s gotten back from break, but she doesn’t seem interested in talking to me. I can see the hurt by my lack of attention in her eyes when she looks at me. And she doesn’t look at me very much. Mostly she ignores me.
It makes me sad to know our relationship has suffered this way because she hasn’t done anything wrong. Then again, neither have I. Still, the more time that goes by, a giant void grows between us, and it’s filled with this horrible secret I haven’t been able to tell her. I know I should, so she knows none of this is about her, but the thought of her knowing my deepest humiliation makes me freeze up.
In general, I’m doing better, though. I’m not as afraid. I can go out in public alone again. I still have a hard time with crowded places. But on campus, I’m doing fine. So tonight, I'm going to use my progress to show her that things are okay.
With Jaxon still at practice, I’m dressed and ready to go. And as soon she gets in from her late afternoon class, I’m going to see if she wants to go to dinner with me. Just me. In the dining hall so she can see that none of this has to do with me not wanting to be seen with her.
As I wait I try to concentrate on my clinical biology class, but I’m too busy bouncing my knee to get anything done.
When I finally hear the door open and shut behind her, I stand up and smooth my hands down my pants. I’m wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. This is good, I remind myself. I’ve made a lot of progress. This is just one more step. And it’s a step I need to take. Lauren deserves it.
Coming around the corner, she sees me standing there, waiting for her. She quickly looks away, knowing I’m not letting this go anymore.
“What’s up?”
“Um, I was getting hungry. I wanted to know if you would like to go eat with me in the dining hall.” I cringe when I realize it sounds like I'm asking her on a date. What an awkward way to start.
She freezes, looks up at me again, but with indecision on her face. I can tell she doesn’t trust why I’m asking so she’s hesitant to say yes. Finally, after what seems like an hour, but is probably only seconds, she turns away and laughs. “Let me guess…Jaxon isn’t done with practice yet.”
My shoulders drop because she’s right, but she’s not going to believe he has nothing to do with this. “No, he’s not. But I wasn’t waiting on him. I was waiting on you.”
She whips around and crosses her arms over her chest, cocking out her hip. “How come? Finally decided I’m good enough to hang out with again?”
I close my eyes and will my frustration away. “No,” I say, biting back the snarky comment that wants to come out. She has a right to feel like I’ve dismissed her, because I have. It was with good reason, but I know it’s been painful for her. I hold my tongue and instead calmly say, “That has nothing to do with it. I just wanted to have dinner with my best friend.”
She stands there for a few more seconds trying to decide what to do and how to respond. “Yeah. I don’t think so. I think the minute that your phone rings, you’re going to be off with your new friends anyway. I don’t need that kind of bullshit in my life.”
“Lauren, that’s not—”
“Save it.” She holds her hand out to me. “I’ve been through this before. If you don’t like me, that’s fine. Don’t like me. But don’t patronize me too, okay? I can find some real friends.”
“Lauren, I am your real friend—”
“No, stop. This is not how friends treat each other. I went through this in high school. I’m not doing this again.”
“Lauren, would you listen to me—”
“No! There’s nothing you could say to make this better right now—”
“Lauren! I was raped!”
As soon as the words tumble out of my mouth, I know I can’t take them back. Lauren stumbles back and her eyes get wide. The bravado she had deflates as she whispers, “What?”
Taking a deep breath, I steel myself to finally tell her the truth that has been between us all this time. It’s ugly and dirty and terrible, but I already dropped the bomb. Now I have to answer her questions, no matter how much I don’t want to say it out loud. “I was raped.”
Her face pales and I can see the questions in her eyes, but all that comes out is “When?”
“The night we went out.”
She looks off to the side, and I can practically see the gears turning in her head. “The night at Ambrosia? When Kiersten was here?”
I nod.
“By who?”
“I don’t know.” I sink down on my bed, shoving my hands between my thighs as I curl into myself. I refuse to put on a sweatshirt. I refuse to hide from this. Not in front of my best friend. But I can’t look her in the eye either.
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“He said his name was Ron.”
She’s quiet again, thinking, and I know she’s trying to figure out if we know anyone by that name. What she doesn’t realize is if we had, Jaxon would have already figured it out and found him by now.
“I…I don’t understand,” she finally says, slowly collapsing on her bed across from me. “You…you spent the night with Jaxon that night.”
I shake my head. “He drove me home from the hospital. Jaxon is the one who found me.”
“Found you?” she quips. “What do you mean found you? Where were you?”
I close my eyes tight again before answering. “Unconscious behind a dumpster.”
“What?” she shrieks. “What the hell, Annika? What happened? Tell me. I need to know.”
Her voice is getting more high-pitched and hysterical. This is the reaction I knew would happen, but it wasn’t what I was trying to avoid. I was trying to avoid more humiliation by protecting myself from having to talk about this over and over again. But now, here I am. Talking about it. I might as well go all out.
“Apparently I was drugged.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. Her eyes widen as she takes in the information I’m giving her.
“Jaxon found me and called the cops. When I got to the hospital, they tested my blood and found a bunch of drugs in my system. The police think someone put something in my drink and then helped me outside when I got sick. I don’t remember anything after that.”
She sits back, and I can tell she’s in a state of disbelief. In shock. And who can blame her?
Taking a second to process her thoughts, she looks at me and says, “Annika, why didn’t you tell me?”
It’s a valid question, but the only thing I can do is shrug. “I didn’t want you to know?”
“How come? I’m your best friend. I would have helped you through this.”
I laugh humorlessly and look at the ceiling. “Lauren no one could help me through this. Don’t you understand? I’m the one who’s always telling you to be safe. I’m the one who broke Martin Rawson’s nose at Homecoming when he tried to grab my boob. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.”
She comes over to sit next to me and grabs my hand as I bat away a stray tear. “That is a load of bullshit,” she says, turning to look at me. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You’re the smartest person I’ve ever met. But Annika, there is nothing you can do if someone drugs you. Nothing.” She looks away suddenly. “Except, remember there is safety in numbers so someone always has your back, and I didn’t. I was there, and I didn’t even notice.”
Now it’s my turn to look at her. “No. No Lauren, do not go there.”
“But it’s true. You never texted me back when I was trying to find you, and I just assumed it was because you’d hooked up with someone and were busy. I saw the police outside the club, and it didn’t even cross my mind that it would have anything to do with you. And then when you came home with Jaxon that morning and you were wearing his scrubs—” She stops and looks at me. “They weren’t his scrubs were they?”
I shake my head. “No. But he really is pre-med.”
She giggles softly and looks back at me. “I’m sorry Annika. I’m so sorry. I’m the world’s worst friend.” Tears cascade down her cheeks and mine are quick to follow.
“There is no way any of us could have anticipated this,” I say, tucking a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. “We’re taught to be careful when we’re at a frat party. We’re taught to be careful when we’re alone with a guy. But we were in a crowded room full of people. In a business. Together. Safety in numbers and all that shit. But did it matter? No! I didn’t even turn my back on my drink for that long. It was half a second. Half a second to wipe the booze off my leg. Half a second is all it took. You can’t be responsible for every half-second of everyone’s life. Hell, I can’t be responsible for every half-second of my own.”
She sniffs and itches her nose with the back of her thumb. “I just, I can’t believe you’ve gone through all of this alone.”
I smile shyly at her. “I mean, I haven’t exactly been alone.”
She perks up a little at my implication. “Jaxon really is that amazing?”
I nod and smile. “Yeah. He’s been with me every step of the way. Hasn’t told a soul, and he’s been so respectful. Hasn’t pushed my boundaries but encourages me, ya know? Like, he encouraged me to get back into public again. Encouraged me to get back out of my dingy sweats and into regular clothes.”
Her eyes widen. “You didn’t have the fucking flu, did you?”
I can’t help but laugh at that. “No, I’m sorry. I never even went to the clinic.”
“Damn, this room smelled like Lysol for weeks after I disinfected.”
The giggles take over, and we laugh for way too long over something that isn’t really that funny. But we needed this. We needed to clear the air, and we needed the comic relief. It’s nice that this is no longer a wedge between us.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, Lauren. I needed time to process it, and at a certain point, it seemed like too much time had passed.”
“I get it.” She pulls me in for a hug. “But if you ever keep something like this from me again, I will kick your ass. I don’t care how many self-defense moves you know.”
I laugh into her shoulder, enjoying having my best friend back.
The feeling is short lived when someone bangs on our door.
“Annika!” we hear Jaxon yell. “Annika, let me in!”
She looks at me quizzically. “What the hell is his problem?” She jumps up and heads for the door.
“No idea. He sounds panicked, though.”
He bangs again. “Annika, let me in. It’s important.”
“Hang on, Loverboy,” Lauren calls as she picks up her pace. Opening the door, she starts with “What’s got you—?”
But he races past before she can finish her sentence and runs straight to me. “Annika, are you okay?”
He’s on his knees in front of me and that has me on high alert. “Why? What happened?”
“Did you get the phone call yet?”
I grab my phone off the counter and sure enough the light is blinking indicating a voicemail. I quickly open the call log and look at the phone number, but don’t recognize it. “I guess. Who is this from?”
“Don’t listen to that yet.” He grabs my phone and tosses it on my bed, clasping my hands in his before he says the words that turn everything upside down again. “They caught him. They caught that Ron guy.”
My vision begins to swim and my breathing gets heavy. Suddenly Lauren is sitting next to me, rubbing circles on my back while Jaxon cups my cheeks, holding my gaze. “Breathe, baby. Breathe.” I concentrate on breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, trying not to pass out as he keeps talking. “They want us to come down to the police station, okay? But I’m going with you. You’re not going to do this alone.”
“They got the guy,” I whisper, concentrating on looking at him while I try to ward off the fear coursing through me.
“Yeah, they did,” he confirms. “It’s almost over, baby.”
He stands us both up, wrapping his arms around me. All I can do is inhale his scent. Thinking too hard makes me want to hyperventilate.
“She just told me,” Lauren says over my shoulder while I just keep breathing.
“Good,” Jaxon responds. “It’s going to take all of us to get through whatever comes next.”
I hold him tighter, taking just a minute to gather my strength. Right now, all I want to do is hide, but I won’t do that anymore. I won’t.
It’s time to take back all my control.