Chapter Sixteen
Annika
That night in Jaxon’s dorm was brutal. When I saw the hospital bill, the detailed hospital bill, in the envelope, I felt victimized all over again. I knew there would be charges from the doctor and the medication they gave me. But the rape kit?
All I could think about was that I was paying for people to take pictures of me. Private pictures of the private areas of my naked body. Pictures I didn’t even want. They are billing me for my own humiliation and degradation. It pissed me off, but that anger took a back seat to how small I felt. All I wanted to do was hide. I couldn’t get far enough inside myself to get away from it. I felt exposed, even sitting in Jaxon’s room, only the two of us. I just knew, knew, that everyone else in that building, everyone on campus, had seen those pictures.
Obviously, I wasn’t thinking rationally, but when you are feeling that kind of vulnerability, it doesn’t matter. When Jaxon pulled his giant hoodie over my head and let me hide inside of it, I could finally let the sadness come out. Besides that first day when I came home from the hospital, I had never cried over my attack. It was cathartic to let go, to get it out. It felt like a weight had lifted off me somehow. That’s not to say I wasn’t embarrassed by my display. I’m not normally that emotional. I like staying on an even keel. Then I woke up the next morning after a terrible night’s sleep, hoping Jaxon didn’t think I was too much trouble to bother with anymore. That thought terrified me more than anything.
Somehow in all of this, I fell for him. In head-over-heels-let-me-have-your-babies love with him. I would never tell him how I feel. At least not now. There’s still too much shit in my brain to make me a good girlfriend. But I’m hopeful that someday I’ll heal more. Until then, I’ll accept the comfort of his friendship. Because if he turned me away now, I’m not sure how I’d react. He’s too much of the rock in my life right now.
I’m sure that’s not exactly the makings of a healthy relationship, but it’s working, so I don’t care.
In the meantime, I continue to keep my head down, force myself into jeans each day, and plow my way through the fear. Jaxon’s words from long ago have become my mantra.
Be angry. Stay angry for as long as you need, until you feel like you’ve pushed through the hard parts. Let your anger fuel you to be the best you can be.
So I do. I channel my anger into proving my emotions wrong. Into proving everyone wrong who would ever look at me with pity if they knew what I had gone through. And I function to the best of my ability giving fear and humiliation the figurative middle finger while I do it.
It’s working for the most part. There’s only one hurdle I still can’t seem to get over—going out with Lauren. The idea of being at a club or party with only her at my back is debilitating. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is I can’t go into public with her at all. Not even to dinner or the movies. I don’t know if it’s because she was there that night and didn’t help me, which is ridiculous because there was no way she could have known what was happening.
My new therapist, Necia, says it boils down to basic association, and it should fade over time. Lauren was there that night. She’s the one who pushed and pushed me to go that night. Her critical eye and opinions are why I wore that stupid dress that I’m glad I’ll never see again. Association. All of it comes back to Lauren and that night.
Necia also warned that since Jaxon rescued me, I associate him with safety. I stared blankly with a look on my face that said “duh” when she told me that.
Still, as I sit on my bed staring out the window instead of at the textbook on my lap, I know I have to say something to Lauren. Blowing her off isn’t working; the excuses are running out, and she’s getting irritated. A showdown is coming, and I have to decide how much to tell her. I’m out of excuses and with tonight being Halloween, she is going to put on more pressure than usual, I know it.
My phone beeps with a text, giving me a breather from my wayward thoughts.
Jaxon: Bill is paid. If you get anything else from them, throw it away. Don’t even open it.
My eyes widen in surprise at Jaxon’s words.
Me: What do you mean the bill is paid?
Jaxon: Just what the word paid means. They have the money so don’t give them any more.
Me: What?? Jaxon, you don’t have that kind of money!
Jaxon: No, but my dad has a foundation that does. And one of the umbrellas of it is solely to help people pay extravagant medical bills. He put in a call yesterday to the treasurer, and they had an emergency vote by email. Decision was unanimous. Your bill has been paid, and you never have to think about it again.
Tears well up in my eyes as I run my fingers over the screen of my phone. I can’t believe after all these weeks, he’s still taking care of me. I’m not his problem. This isn’t his issue. And yet, he doesn’t ever hesitate to try and make things better.
After taking a few deep breaths to calm my nerves, I respond.
Me: Thank you. I don’t think you know what that means to me. I don’t think you know what you mean to me.
His response is almost instantaneous.
Jaxon: I’d do anything for you, Annika.
Trying not to swoon, I hold my phone to my chest and close my eyes tight, enjoying the feeling his words bring. Someday, I’ll tell him how in love I am with him. Someday.
Before I can respond, another text comes through.
Jaxon: What are you doing tonight?
Me: Studying. Midterms are coming up. I want to get a jump on that. You?
Jaxon: Germaine is dragging my ass to a Halloween party at the Kappa Phi house.
Me: That sounds… Fun?
Jaxon: No, it doesn’t. But I’ve put it off too long. I need to spend some “quality time” with my boys. That’s his excuse, anyway.
Me: Don’t you spend quality time with him every day at practice?
Jaxon: That’s exactly what I said! Apparently, practice doesn’t count as bonding time. Wanna go with us? We can make fun of all the slutty costumes together.
Me: Lol. And interrupt your male bonding? Hell no.
Jaxon: It was worth a shot. Gotta run before he steals my phone and doesn’t give it back. Call me if you need anything, got it?
Me: *cue military salute* Yes, sir.
Jaxon: Smart ass. I’ll call you later.
I click my phone off just as the door opens and Lauren comes sauntering in, the clack of her too-high heels practically ticking off the seconds before the inevitable conversation.
Spinning in a circle, she shows off her slutty wizard outfit.
“I’m not sure that’s what JK Rowlings had in mind when she wrote Hermione’s character,” I quip.
She glares at me, hands on her hips. “Hermione grew up eventually. I’m sure she pulled out her short robe whenever they went clubbing.”
“Hogwarts was out in the middle of nowhere. There weren’t any clubs around.”
She rolls her eyes and fluffs her hair in the mirror, making sure her wizard hat is staying put. “Then use your imagination. There’s only a few ways I can think of to stay entertained when you’re away at boarding school. Especially when your boyfriend is right down the hall.” She winks at me, and her expression changes and her shoulders drop when she finally seems to notice I’m not dressed for a party. “Annika, we have to leave in like ten minutes if we’re going to get there before the booze is watered down. Get a move on, girl.”
“I’m not going,” I say quietly, looking down at my book.
“What?”
Chancing a look up at her, I brace myself. Show time.
“I said, I’m not going.”
She rolls her eyes. “That’s ridiculous. Of course you’re going out. It’s Halloween, and you need the break. I even bought you a costume.”
She tosses a small plastic package at me and the cover on the front makes my heart race and my breathing hitch. It’s a slutty nurse costume, complete with a pillbox hat, fishnet hose, and a barely-there dress. Designed to show a whole lot of cleavage and a whole lot more leg, this “costume” is my worst nightmare.
“I figured with your major it was perfect for you.”
“I appreciate you thinking of me,” I lie, because in this case I really don’t. “But I have midterms coming up and I front-loaded all my science classes this semester. You know that.”
Whipping around to glare at me, I know she’s finally going to snap. She may be my best friend and would do anything for me, but she knows I’m making up excuses and not telling her something.
“What is the matter with you lately?” she accuses.
“I don’t know what you mean.” More lies.
“Don’t give me that bullshit. You know exactly what I’m talking about,” she says, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “You’ve never liked going out. I know that. But lately, you’ve become a hermit. It’s like you don’t want to spend time with me at all.”
“That’s not true—” I try to deny, but she cuts me off.
“It is true. You don’t like dancing. Fine. I might even be able to understand about going to a frat party. But you won’t go to dinner with me, not even to the fucking cafeteria. It’s like you don’t want to be seen with me ever since you hooked up with Jaxon. Did I do something wrong? Or am I not good enough for you now that you’re part of that crowd.”
Her eyes well up with tears and I feel terrible. I never wanted to make her feel like this. “No, Lauren.” I toss my book aside and move forward on my bed. “It has nothing to do with you.”
“Then why don’t you want to hang out with me?”
Hanging my head, I try to tell her the truth of what I’ve been going through. I want to admit everything, so she can put the worry out of her mind. But I just…can’t. “It’s not you, Lauren. It’s me.”
Batting at a stray tear, she scoffs at me. “Great. Now you’re pulling out the worst breakup lines known to man. You know what? Forget it.” She grabs her matching glittery clutch off the dresser, throws her shoulders back, and stomps toward the door. “If you change your mind and decide I’m good enough to be your friend again, let me know.”
I jump when the door slams behind her. Then the tears begin to fall at the realization of yet another thing I’ve lost.