Chapter 7

Logan Hardt had the most amazing ass. His buttocks were well muscled, slightly concave on each side, but with enough fullness to fill out his jeans. She’d followed him, angry, and yes, scared and a little bewildered, as he’d marched into her master bathroom, dropped his shorts and briefs, and strolled into her shower. The incredible sight of his bare backside rendered her speechless.

She stepped away from the shower’s entrance. Spying on him while he showered seemed so...voyeuristic. She hadn’t planned on studying him, and she didn’t want him to study her. The only way she’d get through this would be to make it quick. If the foreplay dragged on, her heart would give out.

Her hand hovered at chest level before she lifted it, still shaking, to push her hair away from her face. Now what? She could undress and wait under the sheets and feel stupid. Or she could sit on the bed and wait for him to get out of the shower, then undress and slip under the sheets. Or, she could run away. That’s what her body was primed to do. The level of epinephrine in her bloodstream had to be off the charts, considering her rapid heartbeat.

Logan was concerned about being sweaty. She could tell he’d been working, but she didn’t think he smelled bad. He certainly didn’t revolt her.

She lifted an arm, sniffed, didn’t smell anything. But just in case. She grabbed a bottle of Vera Wang, pulled open the collar of her sweatshirt and spritzed her chest. Not too much. He might start sneezing.

Oh God, what if he was allergic to perfume?

The shower went off.

Jen’s heart jumped. She turned in time to see Logan emerge from the shower, naked and dripping wet. She stared at his magnificent body for what seemed like, oh, at least a full minute, before he broke the trance by wrapping a towel around his waist.

Too late, his image was etched in her mind.

He had the washboard abs that the guys at the gym worked so hard to get. She found the light sprinkling of brown hair on his chest alluring. He’d been semi-aroused when he walked out of the shower, and the towel bulged over what appeared to be a growing erection.

She jerked her eyes upward and met his gaze.

Amusement gleamed in the blue depths. “Do I pass inspection?”

Heat rushed to her face. Was that what he thought she was doing? Inspecting him?

“You fit my requirements,” she mumbled. What a stupid thing to say. She walked into the bedroom before she made an even bigger fool of herself.  Trembling. Honest to God, trembling, and not with fear or even hyper-anxiety. This quivering had a hot, urgent quality that she recognized as arousal. 

She hadn’t thought she would be so affected. Anxious, yes, attracted to him, of course, but totally turned on? This was something new. She hadn’t been able, or willing, to give in to sexual attraction before because she was so uptight around men. Even the two men she’d dated the longest. Maybe it was different with Logan because she already knew he would be leaving. There was freedom in knowing she didn’t have to face him again if he ended up disappointed.

He put his hands on her shoulders and she tensed, out of habit more than as a reaction to his touch, which didn’t make her freeze up or want to run away.  When he massaged the tight muscles in her shoulders and neck, she relaxed.

She still trembled though. Had she been wearing boots, she would be shaking in them. She could pretend she wasn’t afraid, but she was a coward and she knew it, and she suspected he knew it too.

After a moment, he turned her to face him. His eyes met hers and this time there was no amusement in them. “Let’s not make this about requirements. Put aside all that for a little while and let’s just be me and you, Logan and Jen, a man and woman who want each other.”

“That wasn’t part of the deal.” She hated how her voice wavered. It made her feel more vulnerable than she already felt, which was a lot, and she hadn’t even taken her clothes off yet. She couldn’t afford to want him, because want could be dangerous. Want could turn into need. Need could be rejected. 

“Forget the deal. For now.” He reached up, tucked her hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek with his palm, sending warm honey flowing through her veins.

Her fluttering pulse slowed, her breathing slowed, as did her heartbeat. Even time seemed to slow down, allowing her to focus on the moment. She put her hand over his, holding his palm against her face, not wanting to break the connection, afraid the spell would end and fear would rush back in.

Dipping his head, he touched her lips and she inhaled his warm breath on a gasp.

Suddenly, kissing him was all she could think about.

Eager to return his kiss, she leaned into it as he smoothed his thumb over her cheek in an affirming caress, a tender gesture that gave her courage. The defenses she’d spent half a lifetime building began to crumble.

When his arms went around her, she melted against him, sinking into his warmth and into his strength. With Logan, she felt safe. Something she hadn’t felt in such a long time. How ironic that she should be so secure despite the uncertainty of the situation. 

She allowed him to pull her forward until she was pressed against him from breast to hips. He moved his hands down her back, shaping her curves, her hips and buttocks. He touched her with confidence, like a man who knew what he wanted. She had no idea what to do next, so she would follow his lead, even though she’d never given any man that much trust, fearing what might happen. Pain. Humiliation. Rejection.

Logan wouldn’t reject her because she would send him away first. She’d set the ground rules, and he’d accepted them. For the first time, maybe the only time, she could put her fears aside and enjoy being with a man. This man.

She wound her arms around his neck and gave herself to the kiss.

Hesitant at first, she soon grew bolder, running her hands over his shoulders, finding his lean, corded arms endlessly fascinating. She traced her fingers over the defined muscles in his back. Touching him telegraphed pleasure to some primitive part of her brain.

When she came to where the edge of the towel wrapped his waist, she hesitated. He didn’t. He dragged it out of her way and let her continue her exploration. Downward, over those firm buttocks she’d seen. Touching his butt was even better than looking at it.

He grasped the hem of her sweatshirt and drew back long enough to pull it over her head.

She hadn’t bothered to put on a bra, having rolled out of bed only a few moments before she’d called him. Instinctively, she raised her arms to cover herself.

Logan grasped her wrists and gently pulled her arms away, then raked her with a hot look that branded her.

She stared at his full-on erection. Good God, he was huge. How would it fit...?

He dragged her back to him, bending to kiss her again, this time open-mouthed and demanding. Her questions and doubts, her frantic thoughts, floated away like dandelion fluff in a breeze. The only thing she could focus on were the physical sensations—the feel of his lips and tongue, where his heated skin touched hers, his arousal pressed against her stomach, hot and hard. Thinking about what he would do with it made her a little dizzy.

She couldn’t let her mind go there yet, or she would invite fear back into the mix, and she was enjoying this pleasurable prelude. Now wasn’t the time for insecurity and uncertainty. That would come later, and with it, the gnawing emotional hunger that seemed impossible to satisfy. Logan couldn’t fix her. He couldn’t fill the emptiness. But his touch could make it go away for a little while.

He continued to kiss her as he moved them both to the bed, pressing her down onto the rumpled sheets, pausing only long enough to hook her lacy panties with his fingers and tug them off. Then he came over her, rising up to trail kisses from the side of her mouth along her jawline and down her neck. He traced her collarbone with his lips. All the while, his hands skimmed her body, worshiping. That was the only word she could come up with to describe how he touched her.

She wasn’t sure if she should try to kiss him while he was kissing her, or just lay back and enjoy it. He’d taken the lead though, so she would let him guide her. He clearly knew what he was doing.

He moved lower, stroking his hand up her side to her breast, cradling the soft flesh while he used his lips to explore. His thumb brushed a sensitive nipple before he gently captured it with his teeth.

She gasped, her thoughts scattering.

He alternated sucking and licking and using his teeth, gently abrading the increasingly sensitized nub. Jen squirmed, unable to hold back a moan as pleasure rippled out in all directions.

Moving to the other breast, he gave it the same treatment, using just the right combination of gentleness and roughness to bring her exquisite pleasure.

“You’re beautiful, Jen...” His warm breath bathed her skin, setting off quivers. Beautiful? She couldn’t see the beauty in herself. Yet he made her feel beautiful, and sensual, and desirable.

He blazed a trail down her stomach, stopping to circle her belly button with his tongue, before moving lower. He whispered for her to open her legs. She did, after a brief hesitation. Exposing herself to him in this way, which was so much more intimate than anything she had ever experienced, was terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.

When he nuzzled the apex of her thighs and put his lips on her clit, she felt like she might burst into flames and melt beneath the heat. All sense of feeling, all sensation, constricted to one small spot that throbbed and ached. The pleasure-pain grew so intense she could hardly catch her breath.

Jen ignored the warnings going off in her head, telling her that she needed to get away. Her body wouldn’t let her. It wanted to move closer and wasn’t obeying her fear at the moment.

With only his lips and tongue, Logan stripped away her inhibitions. He ratcheted up her arousal until all she cared about was what he could do to her with his mouth and tongue. Arching her hips, she tried to move to meet each stroke, but he held her in place and wouldn’t let her hurry him. He controlled the timing and the pressure. He backed off when she wanted him to go faster, then pressed in and drove her to a precipice, not letting up until her legs grew weak and fell open to give him greater access.

He let go with one hand. Then his fingers were inside her, deep and thrusting, while he continued to torment her with his tongue.

Gasping, she dug her heels into the bed. The sensations built and built until she couldn’t catch her breath. She fought to hold back, fearing if she let go she would break into a million pieces. She felt stripped and bare in a way that had little to do with being naked. Yet she couldn’t prevent what was about to happen; it was too late. 

The shuddering tremor set off an earthquake that ripped through her body, tearing her asunder in a terrible, wonderful, indescribable coming apart—her own personal big bang. The resulting waves swelled and crashed over her. When her soul rejoined her body, she felt different. Her life had been remade into something that was so much more than the dry, colorless existence she’d been leading.

Logan gave her little time to marvel at the miracle. After kissing the inside of her thighs, he made his way up her body, trailing more kisses over her belly and breasts. He came up over her, braced on his arms, and pressed a kiss on her parted lips, while at the same time, lowering his body. A thick, blunt force pressed against her slick, wet opening. As he slid inside her, the pressure increased, along with the sensation of being stretched. Filled to capacity. Too much, this was too much. He was too much. She couldn’t contain him. Mostly, she couldn’t contain the groundswell of emotion.

He nuzzled her ear and delved deeper, burying his huge cock all the way to the hilt. She gripped his shoulders and her nails sank into his flesh. He didn’t seem to notice, or he didn’t care. Instead of pushing him away, she pulled him closer.

Self-preservation demanded retreat, but she was powerless to do anything except surrender.  When he started to move, she considered asking him to stop. Not because he was hurting her. The brief flash of pain had passed, and she was becoming accustomed to the sense of fullness, was actually starting to like it, which made her predicament even worse.

With a moan, she rose up to meet him.  In response, he flexed his hips. His hard body rubbed against her sensitive flesh, sending a shower of pleasure cascading over her.

Oh God, that felt good. More than good, it felt right.

Logan reached down and cupped her butt cheeks. He hauled her up against him with every thrust, driving in deeper, driving in the pleasure, forcing her to take more, until his thrusts pounded through every part of her.

He was pushing her to a second peak, another total surrender. Letting him destroy and remake her once was dangerous enough, allowing him to repeat it would be downright stupid. But he was inside her and around her, and he overwhelmed her senses. She could smell only him. Taste only him. How could she prevent him from forging a bond when he was part of her?

She cried out for mercy. “Logan...please...”

He kissed her ear. “I’ve got you, sugar,” he rasped. “I won’t let go...”

Drowning, she clung to him. He was firm and immovable, like a boulder in a raging river. If she held onto him, she could survive the flood.

She hadn’t imagined it would be like this when she’d agreed to sleep with him. What a soft, insipid metaphor for something so large and powerful. This wasn’t sleeping. It wasn’t even pure sex. It was intimacy, possession—two things she had run from for years.

He ground his hips against her, giving her bursts of pleasure that made her gasp. With every thrust, an incoming tide of emotion surged through her. She sensed what he gave her could fill the void, but with something that was equally frightening. Yet she needed it more than she’d needed anything in her whole life.

She let her head fall back. He feasted on her throat as she ran her hands over his chest, stroking, discovering to her delight that his flat nipples were sensitive too. His breathing became ragged, harsh, with short catches in between groans of pleasure. His thrusts came faster, harder. A sense of power rushed through her as control shifted. Or maybe she wasn’t in control at all, and they were hurtling, blind, into uncharted territory. She didn’t care anymore. Nothing mattered but finding the intense satisfaction only Logan could give her.

Holding him tight, she entangled him with her legs and urged him on as he drove harder, higher, taking them to the very top of the roller coaster. With a low growl, he grabbed her face between his hands and gave her a fierce, desperate kiss.

Jen shuddered as they reached the peak. Teetered, on the edge of oblivion. She fell, crying out, but unafraid, safe in his arms.

Logan’s thrusts increased in speed and urgency. He stiffened, then groaned loudly as his release pumped out of him. His chest heaved and his breath heated her neck. He’d held himself up, careful not to rest his full weight on her, but at the last moment his arms collapsed.

She cradled him close, welcoming the heaviness, knowing in that moment he belonged to her as no one ever had or ever would again. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes and slid down her temples as she ran her hands over his sweat-slicked skin. He’d been worried about his sweat offending her. Nothing about him offended her.

He’d given her something precious, and—he’d given her a child. Somehow, she knew, deep inside. She was glad he’d talked her into doing it this way. He’d given her a special memory to treasure, a memory that would bring her tears, but would also comfort her when she was feeling lonely and unlovable.

After a moment, he propped himself up on his elbows, giving her a hooded look. Reflected in his gaze was utter satisfaction, along with infinite tenderness. His lips slowly curled into the sexiest smile she’d ever seen.

Something shifted inside her chest. Another emotional tidal wave took her breath away. Without thinking, she framed his face with her hands and drew him down so she could kiss him. She wanted to remember everything. The way he felt inside her, the weight of his body, his slick skin, how soft and pliant his lips were. She needed to memorize his smell, his flavor, gorge on every sensation, every single thing about him, because that would be all she had left after he was gone.

Regret clogged her throat, so thick she was afraid she would choke on it. No looking back, no second-guessing her decision. As easily as he’d torn down her defenses, it wouldn’t be long before he saw in her what others had seen, and he would leave anyway. If she tried to hold on, she’d lose him. Better to let him go. At least then it would be her choice.

***

Jen abruptly broke off the kiss and pushed on his shoulders. “Time to go, cowboy.”

What? Logan didn’t move. He was too stunned, besides being wrung out. His release had been nothing short of explosive, unlike anything he’d ever experienced. Maybe it had something to do with not using a condom. He felt every sensation so much better, her slick muscles contracting around him, milking his seed, stealing his soul—if she sent him away, she’d have to give that back.

After the third time she shoved him, he finally rolled off. He reached for her, having a strong desire to cuddle, which was something he didn’t normally do after having sex. This time, it was different. But Jen rolled away, pulled the covers over her head, and curled up in a ball with her back to him.

She couldn’t be sleepy. She’d just gotten out of bed less than an hour ago.

She couldn’t mean for him to leave right now. Not after that mind-blowing bout of sex. No, not just sex; there was more to it, a hell of lot more. He knew it and she knew it.

That’s why she was throwing him out. She couldn’t handle what just happened. For that matter, he wasn’t sure he could either.

He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, braced his hands, and turned to stare with disbelief at the lump under the sheets. What the hell? Jen had come apart in his arms, not once, but twice. Then, while they’d still been buzzed on an orgasmic high, she’d kissed him like he was air and she needed him in order to breathe. Her sudden rejection left him dazed, more than a little confused, and with a dull ache in his chest.

“Is that all you wanted, a quick lay?” He tried for sarcasm, but his voice came out rough, sounding desperate. The longer he sat there, the worse it would be. She’d start to pity him.

Still shaken, he walked unevenly into the bathroom to collect his clothes. He passed the towel on the floor, remembering how she had stared at him when he’d emerged from the shower. He’d never gotten so hard so fast.

She had acted matter-of-fact about having sex with him, and it had pissed him off, but then when he’d gotten her into bed, all he could think about was satisfying her. Before, she’d been under his skin like an itch that wouldn’t go away. Now, she was in his blood.

He had to purge this ridiculous fascination.  She’d gotten what she wanted. He’d gotten what he wanted. Hell, he’d gotten more than he wanted. Expecting her to be a quick, forgettable lay was akin to expecting a cougar to be a kitten.

After buttoning his shorts, he twisted to look at the scratches on the back of his shoulder. She’d marked him with her claws, and not just his skin. He was a damn fool for letting this get emotional, considering she’d made it clear from the start that all she wanted was something physical. Even less. Physiological.

Logan passed by the bed on his way to the bedroom door.

Jen lay curled up, unmoving. She’d looked like she’d wanted to curl up in a ball the other night when they’d gone to the bar and she’d panicked. He suspected more than crowds bothered her. Maybe some asshole had wounded her, or there was some other reason she was so afraid to let him get close. He’d busted down her defenses, and now she was trying to rebuild them. If he walked out, he might never know why.

Did it matter? He was leaving, just as they’d agreed.

Damn it, he couldn’t leave without knowing she would be all right.

He circled to her side of the bed. She had the covers up past her eyes and only the dark crown of her head was visible. Hiding, just as he suspected. She shouldn’t feel like she had to hide from him. Not after what they’d done, what she’d given him. What he had tried to give her.

Somewhere along the way, he’d started to care for her, and he got the idea in his head that she might care for him too. Getting involved with a woman hadn’t been on his agenda for this trip, and it wasn’t like she wouldn’t complicate his life, but he couldn’t just walk away. To hell with their bargain, this wasn’t some business arrangement. Even if she thought she could make it one.

The bed sank as he sat down. He reached out to pull away her covers, but then changed his mind. Jen didn’t react well to being cornered. Instead of exposing her, he’d draw her out of her shell. He placed his hand on the rounded area that he deduced was her shoulder.

“You okay?”

“Fine,” came her muffled response. Her voice sounded strained and cracked a little at the end, like she was crying.

The hard thudding in his chest turned into a dull ache. Yeah, he’d given her something all right. Pain. She was so small and tight, which he’d assumed meant she was nervous. But the moment he sank inside her, he couldn’t stop. He didn’t recall that she acted like it hurt, but he hadn’t been thinking very clearly at that point.

“Did I hurt you?”

She shook her head.

“Will you come out from under the covers and look at me, so I’ll believe you.”

Her fingers appeared over the edge of the covers and she drew them downward until just her eyes showed, the color reminding him of fallen leaves. They grew round, bright with tears and filled with regret. He wasn’t ready for that, and the impact slammed into him like an unexpected punch.

“I’m not hurt,” she murmured.

“Then why do you have that wounded-deer look in your eyes?”

She lowered her lashes, shielding her gaze from him. After a moment, she reached out to where his hand rested on the covers, laid her palm over his knuckles and curled her fingers, holding his hand. Maybe she meant to reassure him, but her gentle touch acted like a lash on his heart. He stared at her narrow palm, the long, elegant fingers and slender wrist. She was small-boned, fragile, and he’d plowed into her with less care than a bull. 

“You didn’t hurt me, Logan. I got used to it, once I was over the surprise.”

“What surprise?” Had she expected him to be smaller? He stood six-four and wore size thirteen boots. Nothing about him indicated small.

“I wasn’t sure what to expect. I’ve never done that before.”

He jerked his gaze to her face, certain he hadn’t understood her right. “What do you mean, never done that? Never, as in never?”

The covers dropped lower, revealing a wry, yet sad, smile. She used the edge of the sheet to wipe tears from her eyes. “Unbelievable, isn’t it? A thirty-year-old virgin. I’m surprised you didn’t realize, considering I had no idea what I was doing. I have watched a few movies though.”

“You might’ve warned me.” He thrust his fingers through his hair, mostly annoyed with himself for not picking up on the obvious clues. “I would’ve slowed down, and been a lot more careful.”

“I didn’t want you to be careful. I wanted exactly what you gave me.”

He was almost afraid to ask. “What’s that?”

“Pleasure, an experience I’ll remember forever, and hopefully, a baby.”

The knot in his stomach tightened as she pushed him back into the tidy box she’d created for him.

“That was the plan.” His reply came out sounding bitter, but he was tired of pretending to be all right with this arrangement.

“Why are you angry?” she asked, looking a little perplexed.

Where did he start? Trying to explain wouldn’t make any difference, not unless she changed her mind about seeing him again, which he didn’t expect she would. But he wasn’t leaving without some answers.

“Why are you afraid?”

She blinked like he’d slapped her, then lowered her gaze. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you do. You won’t let me stay and hold you because you’re terrified you might like it.”

She gathered the sheets to her chest. “You don’t know anything about me.”

He released a frustrated huff. “You’re right, I don’t, because you won’t tell me anything.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“The hell there isn’t. You haven’t told me why you’re set on raising a baby alone.”

“I did tell you. I haven’t met anyone.”

“Bullshit. You’re beautiful and smart. I can’t believe you haven’t met a thousand guys who want to date you.”

“I didn’t want to date them.”

“Why not? Is no one good enough?”

She glared at him. Good, her anger was easier to deal with than her vulnerability. “That has nothing to do with it. I’m just not comfortable with...intimacy.”

“You were comfortable enough a little while ago.”

She blushed. “Because you’re—”

“Because I’m what?” Finally, he might get some idea of how she felt about him, other than for stud service.

Her face grew redder. “Because you’re leaving, and I don’t have to see you again, so I don’t have to worry about when you’ll decide you don’t want me anymore.”

Her weird explanation struck him dumb. He had to process what she’d said before it made any sense, and when it finally did somehow make sense, it made him angry.

“Oh, so you’re okay with physical intimacy, so long as you don’t have to commit to anything or risk anything. And you need to blame somebody for your fear of abandonment or rejection, or whatever it is.”

With a scowl, she pushed up into a sitting position, still holding the covers, and tucked the sheets under her arms. He thought about telling her it was too late, he’d already seen—and handled—the goods.

“Don’t psychoanalyze me. You aren’t qualified, and I didn’t invite it.”

“Maybe you should consider seeing someone who is qualified.” The instant he blurted the retort, he wanted to retract it.

Hurt flashed in her eyes before her face froze into a hard mask.  “You need to leave. We’re done.”

Pain sheared through his chest. He knew she was rejecting him first so he wouldn’t have a chance to reject her, but knowing something logically didn’t mean it hurt any less. He shouldn’t have agreed to this ridiculous deal, or he should’ve backed out after realizing he could care for her.

She was right about one thing. He couldn’t fix whatever was wrong. She wasn’t even willing to lean on him, or to consider the possibility that she might be able to depend on someone other than herself. She ought to get to know him better before she decided he was like whoever had hurt her and made her doubt herself and everyone else. But that still might not change her mind, and he was on a direct course for getting his heart broken if he kept this up much longer.

Besides, he was leaving Sunday.

Logan stood. He’d given her what she wanted. What more was there to discuss? “Yes ma’am. I’ll show myself out.”