Chapter 8

Two days later, a wedding took place in the back yard of the house next to Jen’s. Troy and Celeste had invited her and she had RSVP’d. Not showing up would make it look like she was avoiding Logan—or staying home and licking her wounds because he was avoiding her.

Since she’d sent him away, he hadn’t returned. He hadn’t so much as shown his face. She’d gone out to the back yard every morning and again when she got home in the evening, doing her exercises, playing with Freckles, hoping that Logan might just happen to be outside next door, and she would see him over the trimmed bushes and she could wave and maybe he’d come over, and she’d apologize for being a jerk.

This morning, the caterers and florist had been busy setting up tables and decorating a new arbor. She’d seen Troy and Celeste and two older couples that might be their parents, several younger people who could be siblings or friends. But she hadn’t seen Logan.

She turned in front of a full-length mirror in her dressing room. Having changed half a dozen times, she’d finally opted for the little black dress that was her go-to outfit when she needed something classy. It looked like a dress Audrey Hepburn might’ve worn.

Jen smoothed her hands over the fitted skirt. Regular exercise kept her slender, though not nearly as slim as Audrey Hepburn. The dress still complemented her figure. She hoped Logan might notice...if he took notice of her at all. After the way they’d parted, he might never look at her again, much less speak to her. He had a right to hate her, given the way she’d treated him because she was afraid.

The ache in her chest that had started the moment he walked out the door hadn’t gotten better. It was like a bruise she kept reinjuring. The throbbing started up again every time she thought about him, which was about a hundred times a day. Or more. 

Even Freckles had become listless. She stood in front of the sliding glass doors, her tail slowly moving, back and forth. Watching. Waiting.

Jen stooped to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “I’m sorry, sweetie. He’s not coming back—” Her voice cracked at the sudden well of tears.

The dog’s brown-eyed gaze seemed full of questions.

“It wouldn’t have worked out.” Jen had been telling herself that for three days, and she still hadn’t convinced herself. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she feared she had totally screwed up. One thing was clear. She had to stop hiding.

She would go to the wedding and talk to him. If Logan gave her a chance to apologize, maybe they could work something out. A long shot, but she had to try.

Jen headed for the evergreen hedge that ran between the houses. There was a worn path that led through an opening in the bushes. She wondered how the path had gotten started forty years back when the hedges were first planted. Neighbors making frequent visits?

Troy and Celeste were little more than strangers, and she suspected they’d only invited her to the wedding because she lived next door and they wanted to be good neighbors. She had to do a better job at making friends. In New York, no one much cared, but down here, being neighborly was a prerequisite for ensuring acceptance. Most of her life, she’d been something of a loner. She didn’t want her child to grow up like that. She couldn’t imagine Logan without friends. He would draw people to him like a bright flower drew butterflies.

Her anxiety ratcheted up when she entered the wrought iron gate.

She took a quick survey of her surroundings, as always, making sure she knew where all the exits were. There weren’t as many people as she thought there would be, maybe fifty, most of them seated in rows of wooden folding chairs. The yard was big enough that they wouldn’t be crowded together after the ceremony

Twinkling lights strung from the trees interspersed with glowing paper lanterns provided soft light for a celebration that would go into the evening. Flowering vines wrapped handrails set up along a stone walkway and twined through an arbor next to a fishpond. The sound of a spraying fountain added a natural ambiance to the strains of a string quartet playing Mozart.

If she were to marry, she would have a backyard wedding like this one. Not too many people, in a beautiful place where she was comfortable.

She didn’t see Logan but knew he’d be with the wedding party. The men in black tuxes, including the one approaching her, were the ushers.

“May I escort you to a seat?” The dark-haired man offering his arm bore a slight resemblance to Aiden Turner. Except, for the Texas accent. She’d heard that Troy hailed from the Lone Star State, so this man must be one of his friends or relatives.

“Yes, please.” Jen took the man’s arm. He wasn’t quite as tall as Logan, had a similar, rangy build, but leaner, to the point of being thin. He didn’t swagger when he walked. In fact, he favored his right leg. Something about him seemed vaguely familiar, yet she knew she’d never met him. “Are you here from Texas?”

“How could you tell?” The man’s striking green eyes gleamed with amusement. “You’re the pretty neighbor.”

His assessment? Or something he’d heard?

“Is there an ugly one?”

“If there is, I haven’t met them. Do you have any stepsisters?”

Quick-witted and handsome, and not wearing a wedding ring. Girls, look out.

“No cruel step-sisters, no glass slippers either, and I decided against the frothy gown.”

“If you’re worried your prince will be disappointed, don’t be.” His sly smile implied some private joke. She couldn’t see Logan bragging about her to his friends, or if he had, presenting her in a positive light. He’d left angry and had stayed away. She could only assume that meant he wanted nothing more to do with her, which was her own fault entirely.

The knot of misery in her chest moved up to her throat.

Her escort stopped at a seat on the end of a row two-thirds back. Had she given him instructions, she couldn’t have picked a better place. She’d be able see everything, but if need be, could escape without attracting attention.

She smiled as she let go of his arm. “Thank you. This is a perfect spot.”

He gave a nod. “Enjoy the evenin’.”

After he left, she realized she hadn’t gotten his name. Nor had he asked for her name, though it seemed he might know it. She felt at a distinct disadvantage.

Within moments, the music changed, and the minister officiating took his place with four other men who joined him near the arbor.

Jen’s heart fluttered the moment she spotted Logan next to the groom. He stood several inches taller than the other men. The late afternoon light reflected off his blond-streaked hair. He’d gotten it cut short. She wished he’d left it curling over his collar. She loved running her fingers through the thick strands. He hadn’t asked for her opinion, and she wouldn’t be touching his hair again, at any rate. Regardless of the haircut, he was by far the handsomest man up there. The fawn-colored tux and ivory shirt complimented his fair coloring. He looked as fabulous in formal wear as he did in faded jeans and T-shirts.

He looked even more fabulous stark naked.

Her pulse accelerated. He hadn’t seen her yet. Or maybe he wasn’t looking for her. She held him in her gaze, hoping she might catch his eye at some point. After the wedding, sometime during the reception, hopefully when so many people weren’t around, she would approach him and ask if he would come over to say goodbye before he left. That would give her a chance to talk to him in private.

The music swelled and the bridal party began their procession. Attendants in taupe, floor-length dresses swished past. Each carried a leafy bouquet with a creamy floral mix. The soothing neutrals suited the outdoorsy setting.

Jen stood with the others as the music shifted and the bride appeared.

Celeste’s strapless champagne gown, with its loose, flowing skirt, was simple, yet stunning. She wore her curly light-brown hair loose, adorned with a small spray of leafy white flowers that someone had expertly fastened behind one ear to make the effect look casual, like she’d been out in a field gathering wildflowers. She glowed as she made her way to the grinning groom.

Tears blurred Jen’s vision. She blinked and dabbed a tissue in the corner of her eyes to avoid smearing her makeup. She might never know that kind of happiness. Worse, she might’ve thrown her only opportunity away.

After the ceremony, she made her way to one of the tables and waited. Although she made polite conversation with people seated around her, she wasn’t in the mood to engage in lengthy discussions, so after awhile, they stopped trying to include her.

Her spirits fell lower when Logan didn’t venture in her direction. The wedding party had congregated at a far table. He’d noticed her, or she thought he had. She could get up and go over there, congratulate the bride and groom, greet Logan, open the door. That meant passing through this crowd and risking rejection if he responded with cool politeness. Her chest tightened just thinking about it.

Her watch vibrated. The phone call she’d scheduled with the team was coming up in a half hour.

Pull it together. Get up and go talk to him. Get his attention before—

“Can I have everyone’s attention?”

She jerked her head up at the sound of Logan’s voice.

He stood, champagne glass in hand, to make a toast. She hoped it would be a short one. If she didn’t get a chance to talk to him tonight, she might not see him before he left.

“As Troy’s best man, I have the honor of making a toast. Oh boy, have I been waiting for this, a chance to tell everyone the truth—”

“Careful now.” Troy leaned back and put his arm around Celeste, who gave him a questioning look. She appeared more worried about the truth than he did.

Logan’s smile broadened. “I’ve known Troy for what seems like forever. Our mothers were best friends. We went through school together, through Boy Scouts together, played football, double-dated...” He leaned near the couple, his voice lower, but loud enough to hear. “Just so you know, Celeste, he didn’t have good taste in women until he met you.”

“That is the truth,” Troy said, laughing.

Logan straightened, still addressing the couple. “I have to admit, I was surprised when Troy told me he was moving to Georgia. I didn’t reckon anything could drag him out of Texas. Not even a sweet gal. But when I met Celeste, I figured out the reason for Troy’s defection. He’d found his new best friend.”

Logan’s expression grew serious. “I always heard people talk about being friends and lovers. Then I’d see it was only talk. Their relationship wasn’t deep enough to sustain all the crap life throws at you. My mom and dad were the only couple I knew who had that kind of bond, until I came out here and saw how the two of you are with each other. Better together.”

His wry smile appeared, showing off his adorable dimple, which was more visible when he was clean-shaven. “Actually, I don’t know if Troy improved you any, Celeste, but you sure did make this cowboy a better man.”

Troy lifted his glass. “That’s the truth.”

Celeste beamed.

Jen swallowed the lump in her throat. What a lucky couple to have found each other, and how lucky Logan had been to have parents who modeled true love. She couldn’t say whether or not her parents had, at one time, made each other better. That would’ve been before she came along.

Logan looked out over the crowd and his gaze fastened on her, sending a jolt through her. “That’s what a marriage should be, a joining of friends who hold each other’s hearts gently, with love and trust.”

Jen released a shuddering breath. He’d meant that last bit for her. Troy and Celeste already understood what a good marriage was all about, and so did Logan. She was the one who didn’t get it. Now she did, and it confirmed what she already knew—a good marriage was something she would never have.

She couldn’t offer anyone her complete trust, not even Logan. He wouldn’t accept anything less, and he deserved that kind of relationship. There was no point in talking to him and trying to mend the breach. The best thing for both of them would be to let him go.

Jen waited until the toasts were over and then bid those at her table goodbye. She’d come back later to congratulate Troy and Celeste. She couldn’t stay here another minute without breaking down.

***

Logan swore under his breath when Jen bolted. He hadn’t been able to get away to talk to her, and he’d directed most of his remarks to the happy couple, but he’d made eye contact with her when he said that last part, wanting her to hear a promise.

He offered her friendship, which he suspected would deepen into a love if she would give this thing between them a chance.

Frankly, he’d wondered whether she would even show up because it meant she would have to deal with the crowd—and him.  Seeing her arrive was the first hopeful sign since she’d kicked him out. After two days of agonizing over whether he’d done the right thing by leaving her alone until she was ready to talk, he wasn’t letting her run away.

He set his glass on the table and leaned down to talk to Troy. “Be back in a sec. Just need to straighten something out.”

“Take your time. We’re doin’ good here.” He kissed Celeste. “Aren’t we, sugar?”

“Whew-ee, this is getting too sweet for me...” Huston draped an arm around Logan’s shoulders and raised the beer in his hand. “Nice speech, little brother. Might’ve gone a bit too long. The clock struck midnight. Your princess ran away.”

Already annoyed by Jen’s departure, Logan was in no mood for Huston’s needling. He shrugged off his brother’s arm. “Little brother? I’m three inches taller than you, and since when did you start watching Disney movies?”

Huston’s eyes rounded with a look of feigned surprise. “You forgot all those movies Miss Kate made us watch?”

Their grandmother had started a tradition of movie nights when they were young. Everyone got a chance to pick one, even her. She always wanted Disney movies, usually the ones involving princesses, which surprised the boys because she wasn’t the princess type.

“Yeah, I remember. But I didn’t memorize them.”

“Maybe you should have.”

Logan strode away, his brother’s laughter following. Huston had been cracking jokes about him and Jen ever since arriving yesterday. He’d warned Huston to mind his manners when he went to seat her, and told him where she should sit, just in case she needed to step away for some fresh air. He hadn’t anticipated she would flee before he got a chance to talk to her. It would be his luck that his brother had scared her off with some crazy story.

He slipped through the same narrow path in the hedges that she’d taken, but went around to the back, thinking she might not let him in if he knocked at the front. With luck, he could meet her at the back door when she let the dog outside.

The sliding doors opened and Freckles darted out, raced around him, barking and wagging her tail.

Jen tried to close the door. He got the toe of his boot inside, grabbed the handle and pulled it open. Her little antic would be amusing if she didn’t look so stricken. Black eye makeup ran in streaks down her face. Seeing her so miserable wrenched his heart.

The dog jumped on him one more time before giving up and bounding off to the back yard. He pulled the glass door shut behind him, holding Jen’s wounded gaze. He’d prepared a speech. Now he couldn’t remember the words.

“You don’t have to wag your tail, but you could act a little happier to see me.”

She wiped her face with a tissue. He thought he saw a smile start, but it didn’t quite make it to her eyes. “I’m sorry about closing the door on you. That was juvenile.”

“Why did you leave so fast? Did Huston say something that upset you?”

“Who?” Her forehead creased in a perplexed frown.

“The guy who took you to your seat? He’s my brother, Huston. I thought he introduced himself.”

“No, he didn’t. He did ask if I had ugly stepsisters. Maybe he didn’t think it was important for me to know him, considering.”

“Considering what?”

“That we won’t be seeing each other again.”

“You don’t have to see my wiseass brother again if you don’t want to.”

“I’m not talking about your brother.”

“Yeah, I know. But I’m not leaving town without apologizing for the things I said to you. I was angry, but that’s no excuse for hurting you.”

“You didn’t say anything I don’t deserve.” Jen’s coolness didn’t fool him. She put up that defense when she was afraid. He didn’t want her to be scared anymore. He wanted to soothe her fears, and deal with whatever had sent her running again. Giving in to the urge to put his arms around her, he took a step in her direction.

She backed away. “Please, Logan. Don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

He held out his arms. “This doesn’t have to be hard, Jen, if you would just give it a chance.”

Fear flashed across her face. “You and I have an agreement. You gave me your word.”

Logan dropped his hands to his sides with a frustrated breath. That damn deal had become her weapon. “I know what I promised. But I can’t walk away and never see you again, and you aren’t being honest if you say you want me to.”

She went to the sliding glass doors, giving him a better view of her backside. That black dress showed off her assets, and there were many. He considered pulling up the hem and exposing her upper thighs, running his hands over her incredibly smooth skin. He’d take her to bed and love on her until she screamed his name and admitted she wanted him as badly as he wanted her.

Holding back took all his willpower. He wouldn’t use physical attraction to manipulate her; it wouldn’t work even if he did. He had to find out why she wouldn’t let herself consider a future with him. In his heart, he knew she had feelings for him. 

“Am I right?”

“Yes,” she said softly. “I don’t want to say goodbye. But it’s the best thing for both of us if we do.” She hugged herself.

God, he wished she would let him hold her. He wished she would let him in.

“I don’t get it. What we did, what we have, its more than just good sex, and we both know it. So tell me how you figure throwing this away is the best thing?”

“What you said about friendship and trusting, I can’t trust like that. I’ve tried, but I can’t.” She spoke with such conviction that he almost believed it.

She believed it. There was something in her past that had wounded her so badly, she’d closed her heart. If he could find out what, maybe he could help her get past it and be open to pursuing this relationship.

“Who hurt you?”

“You’ll think it’s ridiculous.”

“Anything that hurt you so bad you can’t trust me is far from ridiculous.”

For a long while she was silent. When she started to speak, her voice was so low he had to move closer to hear. “I was very shy growing up. It was hard for me to make friends, and we moved a lot, so I didn’t have many. When I got into high school, I met a guy named Ryan. He was outgoing and good-looking and popular. All the things I wasn’t...”

She couldn’t still think so little of herself. 

“You’re a beautiful woman, Jen.”

“Thank you.” She cast a grateful look over her shoulder. He didn’t want her gratitude. He wanted her to believe in herself, and to believe in him. “I was a stick in high school. My boobs were smaller than some of the guys’.”

“Define stick. The kids on the basketball team called me Praying Mantis because of my long, skinny arms. I grew so fast in high school, I looked like a freak.”

Her gaze flickered over him, and the craving in her eyes heated his blood. “That’s not a word that comes to mind when I look at you.”

“Stick isn’t how I’d describe you either. Remind me later to show you in detail how beautiful you are.” High school awkwardness might explain a few insecurities, but it wouldn’t account for her intense fears. Something else had happened. “You were telling me about Ryan.”

“Ryan, yeah...” She brushed at her hair with her fingers. Not a strand out of place. He’d noticed she did that when she got anxious. “He asked me for help with homework. Somehow, from there, we became friends. I’d never had a boyfriend or even a good friend who was a guy, and it was really flattering that this popular, good-looking one wanted to hang out with me. After a while, he asked if I’d go with him. You know, be his girlfriend. I said yes, but then I got freaked out and broke it off after a couple days.

“He wouldn’t talk to me for a week. I was miserable, and all the girls were telling me what a huge mistake I’d made. So I went over to his house to see if we could still be friends.  He apologized for ignoring me, and said it was because he liked me so much and I’d hurt him. He kissed me. I didn’t push him away, even though in hindsight I should have. I thought maybe I was wrong to break up. Maybe I’d like him like that, if I gave it a try. I-I let him touch me, but when he started taking off my clothes, I got scared. When I tried to push him away, he accused me of being a tease and he...he...”

Jen faced the sliding glass door, finishing in silence what she wasn’t able to say.

Logan’s blood boiled. “Did he rape you? Tell me, Jen. It won’t change what I think about you, or how I feel. You need to tell me the truth because you need to get that weight off your shoulders. Let me help you carry it.”

Her hands curled around her upper arms, a protective self-hug. “His parents came home and they caught us before he could...you know, penetrate me. I was so embarrassed, and was crying so hard I couldn’t talk. He told them I wanted it, that I’d been trying to get him into bed.”

Her tone had gone flat. That didn’t lessen the impact, like a sledgehammer to Logan’s chest. “That son-of-a-bitch. I hope you got him arrested.”

“They called my mother to come get me. She didn’t get mad or threaten to go to the police when I told her what happened. Her face went stiff, like a mask. She said we had to keep it quiet, that making a fuss would only make things worse because it would be his word against mine. She said, ‘Men are like that. You shouldn’t lead them on.’ ”

Logan clenched his hands, fighting the urge to take Jen into his arms and vow to protect her. He couldn’t protect her from what had happened in the past, and if he touched her, she would probably freeze up and refuse to talk. “Your mother was wrong. All men aren’t like that. None of what happened was your fault. You have to know that.”

Her shoulders lifted as she breathed deeply, then exhaled. “Ryan turned on me. He told his friends I’d hit on him and got him in trouble. The other guys whispered awful things to me in the hallway, asked me to give them blowjobs too. Some of them tried to put their hands on me when teachers weren’t around. The girls acted different too. They gossiped behind my back, even though they knew I could hear them. Denying the lies didn’t change anything. Ryan’s friends stood up for him. I was new at the school, and I didn’t have many friends. After that, I didn’t want anyone to get close. I was afraid they might betray me too.”

“Where the hell was your dad during all this? If that happened to a daughter of mine, I’d take a shotgun to the bastard.”

“I don’t know what my mother told him. I was too ashamed to talk about it. They eventually moved me to an all-girls boarding school, and never brought it up again.”

She turned slightly and looked at him over her shoulder. “You were right when you suggested I need help.”

He wanted to kick himself.  “No, I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have said that—”

“But you’re right. I’m messed up, Logan. Something’s broken inside, and I can’t fix it. I’ve seen doctors and I’ve taken medicine and tried special treatments. I still fight anxiety, and I’m afraid to let anyone get close. Over the past ten years, I’ve dated two men, one of them somewhat seriously, but he broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him and I wouldn’t commit. It’s not just what happened with Ryan. It’s how I grew up. I never felt...I don’t think my parents knew how to love me. You’re the first man I’ve let this close, and I know I’m being stupid by pushing you away, but I can’t seem to help it.”

Tears slid down her cheeks. He felt every one like she was dripping acid in his chest.

He gave up trying to keep his hands to himself and drew her up against him. “You’re not stupid,” he said in a voice rough with emotion. “You’re beautiful and brilliant, and you’re sweet and tenderhearted, and passionate as hell, and that’s only what I’ve discovered over one week. Imagine what I’ll find when we spend more time together.”

She circled her arms around his waist. “That’s what scares me. You’ll find out too much, and you’ll leave. Everyone leaves eventually.”

Her prediction tore away another piece of his heart.

If ever a woman needed loving, Jen did, and the way she was clinging to him just proved how much she needed his love. But if he pursued this, he would have to risk everything. His future. His heart. And he’d have to trust her even before she trusted him.

“I know how scary it is to care for someone. I haven’t been willing to let myself care too much either, because I didn’t want to risk getting hurt. Not after losing two people I loved so much.”

He rubbed his hand in a soothing circle on her back. “You know what I said about my folks being best friends? There’s another side to that. I saw what my mother’s death did to my father. He stopped living. He gets up every morning and he works until dark, but he doesn’t enjoy life. He’s hard and bitter. I don’t want to end up like that. I thought I could give just a little, not everything, and that way I could avoid what happened to him.

“But I’ve been thinking these past couple days, and I realize that’s not how I want it to be. I want what my parents had. I want it all, even if it means risking everything. And if you...if you want it all too, we could make this work.”

Logan kissed the top of her head. If he kept talking, he was pretty sure he would get choked up. He’d said his piece, and she’d heard him. All he could do was hope that she would take courage from his words and fight her fears.