“Christmas is the remembrance of the past, courage for the present, and hope for the unknown.” ~ Michael Barnes

“I’ll love you always, Michael. Merry Christmas.” A sweet, seductive voice echoes in my memory, from a time in my past when I believed my life was full and every dream I had was coming true. My career was on track, a successful lieutenant colonel in the United States Army. The perfect woman to spend the rest of my life with. Everything was going my way, until he showed up.

I rub my chest at the clenching pain the memory causes and shake my head from the Ella trance. It’s been over a year since she said good-bye. A stark reminder that what we shared is long gone. She’s moved on. Why wasn’t I enough? The aching question I keep tossing around.

Children’s laughter nearby brings me back to the present and awareness of my surroundings. Staring out across the open grassy field, I spy the attractive couple in the shady picnic area of the large park, the picturesque scenery amplifying their adoration for one another, and I lose another piece of me. The soft, lovely glow of pregnancy surrounds my Ella, as Grayson nuzzles the smooth line of her neck and places a kiss on her cheek. It solicits a broad smile that flows across her glowing, pink cheeks. No, not my Ella anymore. Perhaps she never truly was mine.

The sun is cascading sparsely through the large oak trees, fading into the western hemisphere, while a cool wind billows through the yellowish tinged leaves. It’s early December in the southern town of Lakeview, and the only trace that winter’s coming is displayed on a calendar.

Glancing back toward Captain and Mrs. Grayson Blackwood, I’m overwhelmed at the emotions swarming inside of me as anger threatens to bring me to my knees. I remember a previous Christmas when we were happy and owned the future. The last one Ella and I would ever share together.

We arrived at the airport in D.C. the afternoon on Christmas Eve, and were picked up by the car my parents sent to retrieve us. Our arrival time interfered with their busy holiday schedule. It was for the best. I wanted Ella to have time to adjust from the flight before she met my parents for the first time.

“I’m so nervous, Michael. What if they don’t like me?”

Bringing her soft hand to my mouth, I placed a gentle kiss on her wrist, then the diamond engagement ring I gave to her the weekend before. A wave of pride ushered through my body. She said yes and completed me.

“Don’t worry yourself, my love. They are going to love you as much as I do. Besides, who wouldn’t?”

“I hope you’re right. I’m just so nervous about meeting your parents. It’s a big thing for me, especially since my mom passed. I want to make a good first impression. They’re going to be my family.” The blush that flushed pink across her nose and cheeks produced another long, drawn-out smile to surface. I did that a lot when I was around Ella.

“It’s going to be fine. You’ll see.” I kissed her wrist one more time as the car drew to a stop in front of the family home.

“Oh, my goodness, Michael. This is gorgeous.”

“Yes, you are.” I affectingly whispered in her ear, not paying attention to the monstrosity of a mansion we’d stopped in front of. Ella’s beauty overshadowed everything else in view.

“Michael, stop. You know you can’t look at me like that right now. I’m about to meet your parents, for crying out loud,” she bashfully told me, and I wanted to eat her up. One little bite at a time.

“We could have the driver take us around the block a time or two…” I answered, lingering in hopes she’d agree to my impromptu suggestion. I longed to have her legs wrapped around me as she screamed my name.

“Silly man.” Ella lightly caressed my arm, and leaned over to return the favor. “Later, lover,” she promised as she kissed my neck.

Jostled back from another time, I hear someone clear her throat when the stored file of before fades. “Excuse me, young man. You look as if you’ve lost your best friend.” She points to the vacant spot. “Do you mind?”

An older woman, dressed to the nines in an elegant pantsuit, sits down on the bench beside me before I can respond yes or no. Her beauty is beyond reproach even with her salt and pepper coifed hair. She exudes old money, but at the same time gives off a warmth that I’m instantly drawn to.

“Ma’am? Excuse me.” I express regret that my peaceful solitude is ending. “I’m just taking in the sites. It’s quite beautiful here.”

“You’re not from around here, are you, sugar?” She crosses her aged hands in her lap and waits.

“No, ma’am. Just passing through. By the way, what gave me away?” I’m interested to hear her reply.

“Well, let’s just say, I recognize a lost puppy when I see it.” She winks, and I’m instantly drawn to this exquisite version of a grandmother figure.

“Hah. That obvious, huh?” I chuckle and peruse the people lazily mulling about in the afternoon sun.

“I’m not one to judge, sweetie pie. Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of trouble in my time.” She gazes around the open space, breathing it in. “Ya know, this was always my favorite place to come to when I needed to think. I claimed it as my thinking spot many times.”

My thoughts drift to Ella. She’s married to Grayson, happy and expecting his child. Logically my head is aware I should move on, but my damn heart wants what it can’t have.

“Do you live around here?” I calmly question the lovely woman sitting beside me, side-stepping her previous observation.

“Not anymore.” She solemnly sighs. “But I come back occasionally and check in, so to speak.” She smiles with a twinkle in her eyes; it’s infectious, and I can’t help but smile back at her. “Wanna talk about what’s bothering you, honey? I’ve been told I’m a really good listener a time or two back in the day.”

I’m shocked at the boldness of this aged woman. However, for reasons beyond me, I’m compelled to answer.

“I fell in love with a very special woman, who has always loved another. Her heart belonged to someone else. Now she’s gone, beyond my reach, and I’ll never have a chance with her.” Why couldn’t she choose me?

“I see.” Her gaze travels across the greenery, to where Ella and Grayson are sitting. “Love is hard, Michael. But it’s even harder to let go and move on from something or someone that will never be. It’s time for you to move on from the what ifs, and live again. Embrace the time you have. And stop living in the past.”

For a brief moment, I’m immobile. How does this woman know my name?

When I turn to look at her, she’s gone. Vanished into thin air. I move my head around, back and forth, looking for the elderly woman, with no avail. She’s gone. Disappeared without a trace. The wind picks up and a whisper echoes through the breeze.

“Let it go, Michael.”

Goose bumps prickle up and down my arms. Fuck this. I pick up the paper bag and guzzle another shot from the bottle of liquor hidden within. All in your head, Michael boy.

Getting up, I glance one more time at the couple enjoying an afternoon picnic.

My heart twists and turns again. Ella is gone. She slipped through my fingers when I wasn’t looking.

Like a sucker punch to the gut, I realize it’s time to move forward. Ella’s happy, and I’m grateful for it. She deserves a wonderful life, even if I’m not the one to give it to her.

I carefully construct the barriers necessary to step in the opposite direction. Brick by brick, piece by piece, the walls are fortified and I shut out my feelings for Ella coursing through my veins.

Never again will I allow my heart to be shredded into pieces by a woman. Never again will I willingly fall in love. Because I will never be over Ella Anderson. Damn you, Grayson Blackwood.