“When I call to mind Christmas, it’s not the vibrant lights or children laughing. It’s remembering what I’ve lost and what will not be for me.” ~ Michael Barnes

Crystal City Mall is packed to the brim with goody-two-shoe, happy-go-lucky fools shopping for the perfect gift to brighten their Christmas morning rituals. Stupid schmucks. You might think people would realize the door they are opening is the inevitable black hole of misery and disappointment. I did. A little too late.

Been there, done that.

Got my ring back, propelling me into an endless pit of ‘why mes’ and ‘fuck yous.’

Thus, the bah humbug doomsday spiel roaming in my head, firing off grenades and rocket launchers instead of good cheer, peace to all, and warm and cuddly feelings for humankind.

I received a text earlier when I was leaving a meeting on The Hill from Darlene, my not-so-faithful, pain-in-the-ass assistant. She purposely forgot to purchase a holiday gift for the damn office party later tonight. Somehow in her warped way, she believes making me get out in the rush of the holiday season buzz will propel me into a ‘Joy to the World’ moment. Not gonna happen.

Obviously, she’s a little off her rocker to think I could just let what happened between Ella and me go that easily. I can’t. I won’t. I’m not ready to let go. Even after I saw them together.

I hopped on the subway and ended up in Arlington at the closest mall, pushing through the throngs of merry shoppers in search of an appropriate Secret Santa gift. This was supposed to be a grab-and-go mission. All I want to do is get something and get the fuck out of here, but the chaos brimming around me is evident I’m in for the long haul.

I truly hate Christmastime. My gut churns at the fleeting thought. It hasn’t always been this way. A rush of nostalgia overcomes me; there was a time when I couldn’t wait to share it with her. Thanks to Grayson, mine won’t be the same this year, or any year to come—without Ella. He strolled into our lives and stole her out from under me. In a flash, everything changed.

“Captain Blackwood!”

Grayson turned and headed in the opposite direction, ignoring me. Son of a bitch. I took off running, caught his arm to stop his progress, and yanked him around to face me.

“Get your damn hands off me now, Lieutenant, or we’re gonna have a problem regardless of my best intentions,” Grayson calmly told me with steel in his voice.

Without thought, I shoved him backwards, beyond pissed at him for pursuing Ella. “Need to talk to you, Captain, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

“Not today, Doctor. I’m late for a briefing with the general.”

“Just thought you might want my intel regarding the girls, sir,” I sneered.

He grabbed me by my shirt, pulled me forward, and got in my face. I was startled at first by his actions.

“What the fuck did you say? If you know something and haven’t told me out of jealousy because Ella choose me, I will kill you, motherfucker,” Grayson promised.

I wanted to rip him a new asshole for the reminder. But a piece of me recognized his resolve…neither one of us would walk away unharmed, and Ella and Savannah were somewhere out there. God knows what was happening to them. I couldn’t look the other way. I still loved her. I grabbed his wrists and applied a subtle pressure that caused his fingers to slip away from my shirt.

“She’s mine, too. I care about her more than you will ever know,” I wearily said. “Look, we can settle our dispute later. Right now, she’s out there, and I need her safe. That’s your job, Captain. You need to bring her back.”

“It’s been a long two days with little sleep. Chasing leads that go nowhere...”

“My shift ended right before the girls left for their run. I took the back exit and saw your second get into a white van. Might not mean anything, but I heard about the vehicle used to take the girls’ description earlier and thought every little bit could help.” Without another thought, I saluted the bastard and walked away.

Sure. I’ve come to terms that she’s not coming back. I suppose. I’m learning to deal with the fact I lost her. Plain and simple. I plan on focusing on furthering my career in the Army. Be all I can be. Right? At least that’s what the slogan reads.

I glance down at the token snow globe of the season and wonder if this would suffice. It’s a Norman Rockwell moment in time. A blissfully happy couple bundled in warmth, smiling lovingly at each other on a sleigh ride after newly fallen snow. Hot coals of anger burn in the pit of my stomach. That should be me and Ella. We should be singing carols, drinking hot chocolate, and riding through the park viewing the endless strings of Christmas lights. But we aren’t. She’s in Lakeview with Grayson, building a happy life with him, having his child. Not mine. I have to keep reminding myself to move on.

The slight bump on my elbow from behind catches me unawares, and the snow globe launches upwards, out of my hand.

“What the hell,” I manage to say under my breath as I fumble profusely with the base of the apparatus while the bumping continues as I attempt to stop the inevitable crash from happening. I cannot stop it, no matter how much I try. In seconds, the shattered perfection litters the department store floor.

Anger simmers low in my gut, threatening to spill out with every tick of the display clock. Somehow, some way, this has got to be Grayson’s fault. I’m positive the harpies are monitoring my humiliation and keeping score.

Fuming, I spin around and come face-to-face with absolutely nothing but blank space.

“Sorry. I’m sooooo sorry. Dang it. I’m really sorry.” A litany of over exaggerated sorrys spill from below.

Following the sound, I look down and find the source. A little sprite of a thing, floundering around on all fours, trying to wrangle the broken pieces into a pile, apologizing the entire time. I shake my head in confusion. Something familiar flickers in the recess of my mind. She moves her hand over the broken glass, and I react immediately.

“Good God, woman. What in the world do you think you are doing? Stop trying to pick that up. You’re going to hurt yourself.” I hear myself and question my sanity as I bend down to offer her a helping hand off the debris-strewn floor.

I reach for her, and somehow, she quickly maneuvers, scrambling between my planted loafers, and rears back. Moving fast, I kick my leg up and out to hurdle her mounding stance, and find myself losing the balance battle when she bumps into me yet again.

Before I can react, I’m twisted up in the slender, petite form, tumbling the short distance to the hard-tiled floor, taking the little pixie demon with me. I land spread-eagled with a grunt and cough when a bony knee finds perch in my gut and two tiny hands land on my chest plate with a huff.

I inhale deeply and glare at the whirlwind maniac of a woman staring down at me.

“Michael,” she breathlessly whispers.

I stifle a groan, realizing I’ve been mega klutzed by my best friend, Kyle’s, little sister.

Holly Mary Edwards is sprawled out on top of me.

And she’s not a little girl anymore.

Fuck me.

She’s stunning.