“There are three stages of a man’s life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus.” ~ Michael Barnes

“You want me to do what?” I peer at the gorgeous imp standing in front of me for the second time. One delicate hand is fisted on her tiny hip, while the other is offering me a totally offensive-to-my-ego costume.

“Put on the suit, Michael. It’s simple. Or are you chicken?” she challenges, flapping her arms, grinning from ear to ear. A carefree spirit spreading her happiness.

“Oh no, you didn’t.”

“Yep. I totally did.”

Holly’s made it her mission in the interim of her holiday break from teaching to remind me of the true meaning of Christmas, and little by little, my resolve is weakening. Truth be told, I miss enjoying the festivities of the season. When I decided to block out all emotions and feelings tied to Ella, including O Come All Ye Faithful, candy canes, and shit, at the time, it seemed like a good idea. But after visiting the National Christmas Tree decorated, an iconic symbol of goodwill and peace to all, sharing it with Holly, I have to admit that I may have gone too far in attempting to eradicate the loneliness and ache Ella’s betrayal and departure with Grayson left me with.

It’s just that the nagging pain and empty loss overshadowed everything else. Enough so, I didn’t want to celebrate anything ever again. There wasn’t a point. But now, I’m reevaluating my position—because of Holly.

Then, when she asked me to make a wish… Not going to go there right now. I can’t deal with the consequences of being denied for a second time.

My desire is growing for Holly, an unfurling need I thought I’d lost forever. It’s present each time we’re together, plummeting deep into my parched, shriveled-up soul, connecting us deeper. Her gentle persistence and cute quirkiness call to my over-organized, very strict moral code. My wish for new beginnings, just like she said a few nights earlier, starts with her.

“Michael? Hello? Knock. Knock. Are you listening to me? We have to get a move on for the next special Christmas time escapade I wish to share with you. Please, just put the suit on. What’s it gonna hurt?”

Damn it. Her fleeting plea shakes me up, and I just can’t resist. Amusement intermixed with contentment washing over me, I reply, “Just promise me one thing, Holly.”

Immediately she replies, “Name it. Anything.”

“Promise me that after the end of this journey you’re taking me on today, I’ll get some kind of reward.” Arching my eyebrow and smiling my best come-and-get-me-baby grin, I aim for seduction. “I mean, the National Christmas Tree was pretty amazing the other night. Thank you for taking me.” I brush feather-light wisps against her check with my fingers. “But what are you going to do for me if I do this?” I hold up the red suit she’s expecting me to wear, looking it over. I’m not sure what the end game is, and let’s just say I’m skeptical. I’m hopeful Holly will share with me another treat of her sugar-sweet lips.

“Well.” She reaches inside her bag and pulls out another colorful suit, an elf’s costume. Red and green candy cane striped. Santa’s little helper. She holds it up, and I choke back a groan as my imagination goes wild. “If you’re a good boy, that can be arranged.” Wiggling her eyebrows up and down, Holly places her head against my beating heart. When she shifts upwards and gently kisses my lips, the taste of cinnamon and peppermint lingers. It reminds me of Christmas and family, but mostly of her.

“Alright. I guess you persuaded me. It’s seems to be happening way too often, but I’ll bite. Give me a few, and Old Saint Nick will be ready to go.” Winking at her, I make my way into the bedroom.

“I’m gonna go get dressed in the other room. I’ll meet you out here in ten minutes or so. Don’t forget the fluffing; we wouldn’t want Santa to be a skinny minny,” Holly shouts as I shut the door. She’s piling it on. Little imp.

The sweet sound of her singing the childhood tune Santa Claus Is Coming To Town echoes off the walls in the apartment.

“Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry…” Her no-filter temperament causes a tightening in my chest, filled with happiness, and I don’t want to contain it anymore. I breathe it in. Holly’s perky attitude refreshes my tattered, torn spirit, and I realize quickly I’m addicted to her innocent view of life.

On the ride to our destination on the subway, kids line up one after the other, tugging on my jacket, wanting to whisper their Christmas wishes in hopes Ol’ St. Nick delivers on Christmas morning. This only adds to Holly’s happiness. She beams each time a child finds the courage to approach me.

We arrive at St. Jude Children’s Hospital just as the sun is starting to set in the dusky sky. Interesting. What does she have in store for tonight?

“Why are we here, Holly? I’ve been in hospitals for years. Doctor, remember?” I remind her.

“I understand that, Mr. Claus. But give me a minute to explain why this one’s special to me.” She holds on to the sleeve of my jacket, garnering my undivided attention, as I lean and listen closely. “This is a special family tradition I hope to pass on to my children one day. Since I was a little girl, my parents would bring me to this hospital, without fail every Christmas season, beginning on the first day of December. We would visit two or three times the last week leading up to the magical day every terminally ill child we could, in hopes of showering them with goodness, love, and the belief that anything is possible. And, of course, lots of special presents. Because the more we got to know the children, the better we understood what their gift should be.” She beams over at me, just as my nose twitches and I sneeze from the tickling nuisance of the synthetic on the fake beard.

“Bless you, Santa.” She offers me a tissue from her bag.

“Thank you, Holly. Please, continue.”

The complete reverence in her voice when she talks about her parents, especially her mother, tugs at my heart strings. There are so many layers to this tiny woman. More than I imagined or realized. She’s courageous and tenacious in helping those unfortunate, yet gentle and loving. Herding even the hardest heart to her whimsical nature. She’s a rare find, a one-in-a-million treasured gift.

She finishes sharing the rest of her tradition with me. “The best part was my dad dressing up as Santa. For the longest time, I didn’t realize it was him. Momma kept that part locked down and top secret. She would tell me, ‘You’re a very special child, Holly. That’s why Santa chose you to be his helper again this year.’ She dressed us both up as elves.” She models her outfit with her hands, spinning around for the full effect.

“Now I understand. Alright, then, Santa’s little helper. Lead the way.” I moderately bow as low as the fluffy pillow belly will allow, grab the sack of candy canes she’s prepared for the children, and extend my hand forward, ushering her through the hospital front door.

Room to room, child after child, smile upon smile, we deliver the presents Holly had sent ahead to the hospital. Little by little, the facts come out about the gift-giving process. I learn that her family works with several children’s charities around the metro area to collect and pass out gifts to the ailing kids at St. Jude.

My cup is running over from the joy Holly filled me with today. It’s not every day you get the chance to look into the eye of a sick child and see hope. Each and every sick face brightened when we visited, giving them a small piece of their own Christmas miracle. Resembling the way I’ve felt the past few weeks with Holly a lot.

“That was absolutely amazing, Holly. These children… I mean, did you see the one little girl with the pink bow? She was precious, pixie. I can imagine having a little one just like her.”

“I’m so happy you enjoyed it. You really got into the character there, Santa. I was impressed.”

“Were you now? Come here. Santa needs help scratching an itch, little elf.” I pull her close, nearing her, our breaths mingling, and I slowly, tenderly devour her plush lips. Riding the high of goodwill to all men, all thanks to my little Holly.

“Mmmm. Wow. I like this new and improved version. My Christmas magic is rubbing off.” She leans her body closer to mine, rubbing her perky little breasts against me, and my mind is swamped with what’s underneath her tight little elf costume.

Until I think about the little bald-headed child with the pink flower bow. The sickness in her precious expression created an ache in my hardened heart. The heart I thought had lost all feeling.

“Ella and I always dreamed of having a house full of children,” I recall, and half of my mouth turns up from the fondness of the impression. Yet at the same time, reality slams the door in my face, because it won’t happen with Ella. However, this time the ache doesn’t mean quite as much. It’s bearable due to the woman in my arms. I look away quickly and confess, “But now she’s having a child with someone else.”

“I’m sorry about that, Michael. I really am.” Holly gently caresses my furrowed brow, easing the tension from me.

“It’s okay, pixie. For a while, talking about her always made me sad and hurt. Now, I’m indifferent. I don’t know, maybe you are rubbing off on me.” I cuddle her in my arms and squeeze her tightly, not wanting to let go of this moment.

“So, you want to have a house full, huh? I could totally see that happening. I mean, you were so great with every one of those kids in the hospital. You’ll make a wonderful father someday.” Her attempt to lighten the mood works, and I’m breathing a little lighter.

“Yeah, crazy. I’ve always thought a big family was the way to go. I didn’t have any siblings, and if and when I do have kids, I want them to have someone, besides just the parents.”

“Hey, you turned out pretty good.”

“Glad to hear you approve. I was alone most of the time. Except for when I was with Kyle and you. It helped having my best friend living next door. You both helped fill the void.”

“Oh, Michael. Momma always claimed you as part of our family. We loved you. Still do.”

“You love me, huh?” I tease her with a little tickle along her ribcage.

“Ugh. Men. Is that all you heard?” She swats my arm. She’s forming a habit of touching me at will. I think it’s her favorite thing to do because of the frequent pats I’ve received since running into her. “I care about you a great deal. More than you know.” Holly quietly mumbles the last part, but I heard it and want to hear more.

“What was that?” I ask, squatting down so I can see her face.

“Never mind, egomaniac. My point is, you can have that large family with the house on the hill, full of love, and the holidays. It’s all within your reach, Michael. All you have to do is take it.”

“Maybe you’re right. Funny how a few weeks can change your entire outlook on life. I’m looking at things a little differently now. Because of you.”

“Come on, Saint Nick. You’ve been a really good boy. It’s time for your reward.”

“That’s what I’m talking about, baby. Lead the way.”