I settle into the back seat of the black sedan that’s driving me to work from my overnight stay at the Ritz Carlton and immediately pull my phone and earbuds out of my bag. It’s been a year since Lucas excitedly told the audience at his LA concert he’d written a bunch of songs for his fourth album, and three months since I heard “Abandoned” in the back of that taxi. Finally, Lucas’s fourth album is here.

The album released at midnight last night, actually, and although I’d planned to stay awake and download the whole thing at twelve oh one, it wasn’t meant to be. Unfortunately—or fortunately—my plan to listen to Lucas’s album on repeat last night was shot to hell. Around eleven, Brandon, my so-called boyfriend—or glorified fuck buddy—of the past three months, ever since that fateful day I interviewed him, called to say he’d spontaneously managed to squeeze a couple nights’ stay in New York into his filming schedule. He said he’d been “jonesing to tie up his kinky little cutie and fuck her to within an inch of her life.” Of course, since I can’t resist a confident man who orders me into his bed, I immediately changed out of my flannel jammies and fuzzy socks and into something appropriately Penelope-ish, and traipsed off from my Brooklyn apartment to the Ritz Carlton in Manhattan for our unexpected rendezvous. And then, yes, I did all manner of kinky things with Mr. Movie Star all night long. Just the way he likes it, the dirty bastard.

As Lucas’s album continues downloading onto my phone, I text my therapist to confirm my appointment after work. Who knew there were wonderful people in the profession who listen kindly and without judgment to their patients’ thoughts and concerns? As amazing as it sounds, I’ve been going to Dr. Amy for six months now and she hasn’t called me “abnormal” or “aberrant” even once! In fact, I can’t even count the number of times Dr. Amy’s waved her hand dismissively at me and said, “Oh, Abby, honey, that’s perfectly normal!”

I peek impatiently at Lucas’s album as it continues to download and my stomach flips over with anticipation. The album is called From A…to Me, and it features songs that are all one-word titles starting with the letter A.

Of course, the first A song on the album is the already-released single, “Abandoned,” which I’ve now heard at least ten thousand times in three months, despite my best efforts to avoid it like the plague.

Oh, lord, how I’ve tried not to hear “Abandoned” since that first time in the taxi on my way to interview Brandon three months ago. But not hearing that beautiful, heart-wrenching song everywhere was literally impossible. Why? Because I live on planet Earth and “Abandoned” is a smash hit, the kind of song you can’t help hearing everywhere you go, every hour on the hour—on the radio, in TV commercials, in cabs and banks and restaurants and grocery stores and from passing cars. At this point, the song is simply part of the air we humans breathe. An accepted part of the atmosphere.

But, of course, “Abandoned” isn’t the only A song on Lucas’s new album. There are twelve more. “Ass-kicker,” “Assassin,” “Ambushed,” “Angel,” “Ashamed,” “Aberration,” “Addicted,” “Aroma,” “Alive,” “Ache,” “Adore,” and…“Abby.”

Oh, God, these song titles!

Even without hearing the actual songs, I know they’re going to decimate me.

Finally, the full album is downloaded.

I close my eyes and gather myself for a moment before pressing play. I don’t know why, but after a full year and four published articles for Maxim—including my rather feisty interview of Brandon—I thought I’d have heard from Lucas by now. If I’m being perfectly honest, I kind of thought Lucas would have sent me an early copy of the album with a little note, or would have shown up at Maxim’s headquarters with a signed copy, saying, “Hey, Abby! One day is finally here, baby!” But nope. Not a word from Mr. Rock Star in a full year. Apparently, Lucas intends to do all his talking to me through his songs.

I lean back into the cushy leather seat of the sedan, push my earbuds firmly into my ears, and press play on my first song selection. It’s not the first track listed on the album, of course. It’s actually the last. But it’s the first song I want to hear. “Abby.”