Matt. I’d married Matt. Oh my god, I was his wife and we’d spent all night consummating that union.
My forehead banged against my bent knees as the reminder tore through my mind. What in the hell had happened? How had I not known? Where was Jacob? What did this mean? Was our marriage binding even though I thought I’d been marrying someone else? Would Jacob ever forgive me once he found out?
A sob constricted my throat as I realized that because of this, I’d lose both of them. I’d lose the two people I loved most in the world in the same day because of what had happened. I already knew Jacob wouldn’t forgive me. He’d accuse me of secretly knowing and bring up his long-standing suspicions of me always having some draw toward his twin. He wouldn’t forgive me, and I couldn’t expect him to, because I should have known. The man I’d spent the past twenty-four hours with was not the same one I’d spent the past decade with. He’d been a different man. Because he’d actually been a different one.
God, it was so damn obvious. The way he’d looked at me, the out-of-character gestures, the streak of sensitivity, the way he’d fucked me . . .
I banged my forehead harder against my knees when images from last night replayed in my head. How messed up was it that the best sex I’d ever had with who I thought was Jacob had been instead with Matt? How dumb was I to have not figured it out when instead of focusing on his own pleasure, mine had been the priority last night? I couldn’t think of one instance when Jacob had waited for me to come before he had his. He usually collapsed over me and was half-asleep by the time I gave up on the idea or slid my hand between our bodies to take care of myself.
Jacob would never forgive me.
And I would never forgive Matt.
I’d lost them both. Just like I’d always feared. Just like I’d always somehow known I would, because what right did some girl from a single mom who worked as hired help have to think she had some claim to two men like Matt and Jacob Adams?
The dream had been a fantasy all along, just like I’d always known, and I’d finally been woken up.
I wasn’t sure how much longer I could linger here, planted on this isolated perch overlooking the big ocean, still wound in the sheet I’d spent all night moving under with Matt’s body.
Matt.
My eyes swam with tears all over again. I tried to strangle the feelings that came with those thoughts of him. I’d made my choice years ago. I’d waited for him, but I couldn’t wait forever, especially not when I knew how Jacob felt about me and that his attention would only last so long. I’d rather have one, even if it wasn’t the one I wanted most, than neither. I’d picked Jacob, and these feelings I’d harbored this whole time for Matt weren’t fair to any of us.
If there was some way to rid myself of them, I would have, but I’d tried everything and come up short. It didn’t matter how many times I reminded myself it wasn’t Matt I wanted, I still found myself imagining him when Jacob’s body crawled over mine in bed. It didn’t matter how many ways I tried to avoid Matt, he was always there, reminders of him in every facet of my life. It didn’t matter how many times I reminded myself he didn’t want me, I still dreamed visions of him whispering those very words into my ear as his hands roamed the bends and planes of my body.
To hell with never being able to forgive Matt—I’d never be able to forgive myself.
Okay, okay, enough. No more emotions and tears. Think.
I needed to get out of there. Immediately. The one (or two) problems with that was I was currently dressed in a sheet and my purse with those handy things known as identification and credit cards were back in the cabin. Where the wrong twin I’d married was.
So basically, I was screwed. I’d just have to spend the rest of my life here, because there was no way I was going back into that cabin and confronting him. Mainly because I was too worried about what would happen when Matt and I were alone again. Now that I knew what we were capable of, what he was capable of . . . I didn’t trust myself. It was like telling someone who’d been sober off heroin for two weeks to step inside a house full of heroin free for the taking. I knew my limits, and Matt was a hard, hard one.
I couldn’t be alone with him again, because now, I couldn’t claim ignorance. I knew who he was, and if I fell into bed with him again, I wouldn’t be able to claim lack of knowledge as the culprit.
So I just sat there, arms wound around my legs, forehead tapping my knees, feeling completely and utterly lost.
That was when I heard someone crunching through the tall grass behind me. Instead of jolting with surprise, I clamped my eyes closed tightly and hunkered down a little more. I knew who it was. I knew of only one person who seemed to have a sixth sense for finding me.
“Cora.”
The way he said it, almost sighing my name, made it seem like he was relieved he’d found me. Like he’d doubted he ever would.
“Go away, Matt,” I gritted into the folds of the sheet. “Go away and stay away.”
He was quiet for a moment, only the sounds of his footsteps moving closer. “I’m not going anywhere.” His voice was firm, final sounding, like no matter what I said or did, he was going to say what he wanted to. “Not until you hear why I did it. Not until you know how I feel.”
I didn’t want to know how he felt. I didn’t want to know why he’d done it. That was what I kept telling myself, although I couldn’t convince myself of it. “Last night . . . I’d been drinking. You’d been drinking. We were both—”
“Let’s make one thing clear right now,” Matt interrupted. “You were not some drunken fuck last night. Not even close, so don’t try to play it off like I was just another guy swimming in alcohol and looking to score.” He paused like he was hoping that would get good and deep inside my brain. “I can’t speak for you and how you were last night, but I was fully in control of my body and mind when I took you. Each and every time.”
My heart picked up from hearing his words, thinking of what he was referring to. “Yeah, well, I was good and drunk. I don’t remember a thing from last night.” The lie sounded convincing enough to my ears—hopefully it would to Matt’s as well. “All I remember is waking up today and finding your wallet when I was expecting to find Jacob’s. The rest is a black hole of nothing.”
He was quiet after that. So quiet I glanced back to see if he was still there.
“You don’t remember anything?”
I huffed as if that was the most obvious thing. “Nothing.”
Another stretch of silence. “You don’t remember anything? Really? Not even the last time when you woke me up by—”
“No!” I interrupted, definitely not remembering that last time. Or at least definitely not wanting him to think I remembered it. “But I think it’s safe to say I can figure out what happened, thanks to us both being naked when I woke up.” I squeezed my eyes shut again when I remembered the last thing he’d said to me before I’d fallen asleep tucked against his body. “I don’t remember, and if you’ll just keep your mouth shut, I won’t have to know just how . . . or how much . . . or any of the details associated with last night’s mistake. I’ve got enough to deal with right now without having all of the gory details filled in for me.”
Behind me, I heard him repeat the word I’d just fired at him. Mistake.
A mistake. That was what this was. It had to be.
“Why did you do it?” My fingers ran through my hair as I tried to take as logical an approach to this as one could. “What in the hell happened yesterday?”
Even before I finished asking, part of me already had the answer. Part of me already knew exactly what had happened yesterday to make Matt wind up standing across from me on my wedding day. Exactly what had been happening for years, what people had tried to tell me but what I hadn’t wanted to believe. Jacob had always been a flirt, but I’d never wanted to believe it went beyond the lingering stares or suggestive smiles.
“Yesterday, before the wedding, I couldn’t find Jacob.” It was clear he was choosing his words carefully. I wasn’t focusing on what he was saying so much as what he wasn’t saying. “I figured something must have come up and I figured he’d show up soon, so instead of calling off the whole wedding because he’d been held up in traffic and forgotten to charge his phone, or whatever the hell happened, I just figured I’d step in temporarily.”
My head was throbbing. There was an ache between my legs too, but God, I didn’t want to focus on that or what I’d been doing, repeatedly, to cause it. “You’d just step in when I was supposed to be promising forever to the man I was marrying?”
“Looking back, I know I made the wrong choice,” he said, exhaling. “But in the moment, when that church was packed full of people and they were expecting to find a groom waiting for you at that altar in five minutes, that was the best idea I was capable of coming up with.”
His voice sounded clearer, which meant he was standing closer. I could feel his closeness. In a way, I’d always been able to tell when Matt was near, but I supposed after last night, I was aware of his nearness for another reason.
“But you didn’t just ‘stand in’ for Jacob at the ceremony.” The light breeze shifted into something stronger, pulling at the folds of my sheet.
I heard Matt move closer. “I know. That’s how I planned it, but when Jacob didn’t show up and I couldn’t get ahold of him, I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t sure when to tell you, or even what to tell you, so I waited. I figured by the time the reception was done, Jacob would have shown up. But when he didn’t, when I found out . . . I didn’t want to see you hurt. I knew Jacob wouldn’t want to see you hurt. I just wanted to protect you from any more heartache.”
“And your idea of protecting me from pain was having me marry the wrong guy then go on my honeymoon with me and fuck me?” I had to pause long enough to take a breath. “That’s your definition of protecting me?”
His sigh didn’t seem to end. “My best intentions went a little—a lot—off course. I didn’t stroll up to that altar yesterday thinking or hoping last night would unfold the way it did.”
Every time either one of us mentioned anything about last night, my mind went there. As a result, my body reacted to the memories. Like right now, I could feel my nipples hardening as I remembered the way he’d moved inside me, the way he’d demanded I look into his eyes each time he made me come.
I hated my body for reacting to him how it was. I hated him for being responsible for it.
“Sorry if I have a hard time buying that. I’m not exactly in a giving-the-benefit-of-the-doubt type of mood.” Right then, the sun caught my wedding ring and blinded me. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but it seemed pretty damn symbolic of something given my present situation.
“You have every right to hate me—”
“Damn right I do,” I snapped, twisting the ring around so the diamond couldn’t catch the light anymore.
“I had no right to do what I did. Any of it,” he added, sounding ashamed for the first time.
“Why, Matt? Why did you do it?” I tipped my head back so I could make out his outline. “Why did you really do it?” I needed to know. I needed to know if he’d done it because he’d been trying to help me, or if it was because he couldn’t help himself.
“I already told you why.”
“Yeah, and now I’m asking you to cut the shit and give me the real reason.”
He was quiet for so long, I almost thought he was going to tell me. “I don’t see how me answering that will help either of us right now.”
My heart stopped. I swore it stopped. What did he mean by that? What I hoped he did? Or something else?
When I realized what I was hoping for, guilt washed over me so fast and heavy I felt like I was drowning in it. Jacob. He was the one I’d been in a relationship with for years. He was the one I’d said yes to marrying. He was the one whose name was on the marriage certificate we’d filed at the courthouse. He was the one who loved me and wanted me to be his wife.
I couldn’t fight off the voice chiming in my head that kept asking me why he was gone and Matt was here if that was the truth.
My breath came out all at once, like I’d been holding it forever. “Where’s Jacob?”
He was quiet. His silence told me everything I needed to know. And nothing I wanted to acknowledge.
“Matt?” Finally, I made eye contact with him.
He was looking at me like he’d been expecting the question. “I don’t know.”
A breath seeped past my lips. Matt had been covering for Jacob for their whole lives, as quick to protect his brother as he was me. His experience had made him a proficient liar, but I knew that. I knew he was lying. Or withholding the truth.
What I didn’t know was how bad that truth he was keeping from me was.
“Where is he?”
“I—”
“Yes, you do. You know where he is.” My gaze dropped, unable to hold his stare any longer. “Or who he’s with.”
My voice had been so quiet, I didn’t think he’d heard me. As silent as those words had been, I wished I could take them back. I wished I could swallow them back down into the dark hole they’d crawled from, because thinking it was one thing, but acknowledging it made it real.
Matt crouched behind me, keeping a careful distance when I tensed at his proximity to me. “If he’s with anyone else when he’s got you waiting for him, he’s a goddamned idiot.” He was trying to ease the tension, trying to sway my mood.
“You’ve been calling him a goddamned Idiot since you were kids.” A sad smile formed when I accepted why Jacob hadn’t shown up for his wedding day.
“Cora . . .” Matt’s hand lowered over my back, his familiar warmth seeping into my skin. But something else was spreading inside, winding deeper. It was new, a remnant of what had resulted from our union last night.
I should have flinched away or slapped him or, hell, done a lot more, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. My life had just taken a direct flight to messed up, but for this one stolen moment, I was just going to pretend everything was fine. I was going to pretend that Matt had every right to touch me and I had every right to want him to touch me. Once this moment was done, I’d return to reality, but for right now . . . fuck off, reality.
“Last night, when you told me . . .” My throat felt like it was closing in on itself, so I had to swallow. “When you said you . . .”
I couldn’t get it out. For some reason, I couldn’t say those three words he’d uttered to me before, during, and after, each time, every time. Instead of torturing myself trying to get them out, I lifted my eyes to his. His eyes. Matt’s eyes. God, what had I been thinking? They were so different from Jacob’s. The emotions that tortured his were so different from the ones that toyed with Jacob’s.
“Did you mean it?”
His jaw ground, but he didn’t look away. He didn’t blink. His eyes stayed on mine. As he was opening his mouth, something chimed between us. Call it divine intervention . . . in the form of a phone call.
“Shit. Sorry.” Matt blew out a breath and shook his head like he was trying to shake himself out of a spell. When he pulled out his phone and glanced at the screen, his expression went dark.
“Who is it?” I asked, but I already knew.
Matt lifted the screen so I could see. I was right.
“What are you going to tell him?” That whimsical moment was gone, reality pouring over me.
“What do you want me to tell him?” He hit the silence on his ringer, waiting for me to answer. “What happened last night . . . if you don’t want anyone to know, I swear I won’t tell a soul. I’ll take it to the grave. Just tell me what you want.” His voice got tighter with each word as he searched my face for any hint of what to do next.
“Are you saying you’d be okay with lying to your own brother about the two of us sleeping together?” I scooted away from him, trying to ignore Jacob’s second call coming in.
“I’m saying I’d be okay with anything if it’s what you wanted.”
When I wanted to cry from his words, I forced my eyes to narrow and my body to continue scooting away. “I want you to leave me alone. You had your chance to explain. You gave me your side of the story. Now leave me alone.” I shoved to my feet, adjusting the sheet so it was still covering me. “I don’t want you, Matt. I never have.”
His face remained unaffected, but his eyes gave him away. The look in them made me feel like I was being ripped apart from the inside out. I was breaking him, one word at a time, and I hated myself more for what I was doing to Matt now than for how I’d betrayed Jacob last night.
“I want Jacob.”
In the end, they say it’s the lies we tell that define us more than the truths we admit. I already knew that. The lie I’d been telling for years had been defining me for just as long.
I loved Jacob. Not Matt.
That was the only version of myself I knew.