More Than You Know by Jennifer Gracen (20)

Chapter Twenty

Julia stared at her reflection as she braided her damp hair. When it was done, she stretched her arms over her head and yawned lazily. A glance at the clock told her it was one-thirty already. She’d slept until one. She and Colin had stayed up until after four in the morning, talking, getting to know each other, and clearing the truths from the lies he’d been fed all his life. It had been an extraordinary experience. Sitting and talking with her grown son . . . wow, was he a sweet young man. Polite, articulate, quick-witted, and smart. Someone to be proud of. He had one semester of college left, then would graduate from Stanford University in December with an engineering degree. He’d asked her to be at his graduation, promising that Max could and would do nothing to stop it, or to get at her, if she wanted to be there. She’d been so touched that she’d started to cry as she blubbered how she wouldn’t miss it for the world.

They’d both shed tears last night at various points. So much damage had been done. So many hurtful lies, time wasted, years stolen from them . . . the only thing that made it bearable was that they’d finally talked, and by the end of the night, they both wanted to have a relationship from then on. To start anew. To be in each other’s lives. The thought of it made her heart swell. Even if he was an adult now, to get to be Colin’s mother again . . . it was more than she’d ever dared to dream about.

But at the end of the night, she’d been too tired to make the trip back to Long Island, so she’d taken a room at the hotel, as Dane had often told her to do.

Dane. She sighed and sank onto the bed. The joy of reuniting with her son had been smudged by how she’d hurt him. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking of him. Every time she recalled the flash of pain in his eyes before he’d stormed off, replayed the scorn in his words, her insides seized with shame and she cringed. He’d tried to protect her, had been worried for her, and what had she done to repay him for his kindness? Rebuffed him so coldly that she might as well have spit in his face.

What the hell had she been thinking? Her eyes shut as she shuddered for the hundredth time.

Truthfully, she hadn’t been thinking. She’d been shocked, and thrown off balance, and a bit scared—scared that Dane’s actions would drive Colin out of the hallway before she ever got a chance to talk to him. And she’d taken it out on Dane.

She had to fix things.

Her cell phone rang on the nightstand. She’d chosen the ringtone of Dave Brubeck’s “Take Five” only for her favorite pianist, so she didn’t have to check the caller ID. “Hey, Kel.”

“Hey yourself,” came Kelvin’s voice. “Tell me everything.”

She lay back on the bed and exhaled a deep breath before launching into the tale. “Colin stayed in my dressing room and talked with me until a quarter after four. He had a million questions. Long story short, for now? It’s pretty much what I’ve always thought: Max filled his head with lies about me. Told him I was too focused on my singing career to be a mom, that I always put myself first, so Max had to sweep in and take care of him all by himself. Painted himself out to be a hero and me to be a selfish bitch who willingly abandoned her son.”

Kelvin let fly a string of curses.

“I know. I know.” Her stomach tensed just thinking about the vile things Colin had told her. “But hey, he’s here. I think—I hope—he believed me as I dismantled Max’s lies one by one. I didn’t bash his father; I just told him the truth. And I told him he could ask you or Randi for verification on anything if he wanted to.”

“Oh, I’d give that boy an earful,” Kelvin promised.

Julia smiled. “I bet you would.”

“My God, Jules . . . you must be so relieved. And happy.”

She chewed on her lip for a moment as she considered. “I am. I really am. But there’s a piece of me afraid to believe it, you know? That he’s here. That he came to find me, that we’re going to talk regularly now, that we can have a relationship of some kind. It’s . . .” Her throat thickened and she swallowed back the lump there. “It’s overwhelming. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. A chance to explain what really happened, and have him believe me. And mostly, just to have him back in my life.”

“And now you have it, sweetheart,” Kelvin cooed. “God, I’m so happy for you. Let yourself believe it. It happened, it’s real.”

“He’s probably still sleeping,” Julia said. “I got a room just down the hall from him. We’re going to have dinner together at seven. Isn’t that wonderful?”

“It is.”

She smiled to herself with soft pride. “He’s such a great guy, Kel.”

“Of course. He’s got your DNA in him. Max couldn’t flush all of that out of him.”

“I’m sure if there was a way, he would have.” Julia sighed. “You know that Colin is afraid to go back there, to see him? He’s half scared, half furious. He said half of him wants to get in his dad’s face and blast him on all of it, and the other half just doesn’t even want to deal with it. I don’t blame him. Max can be scary when he’s angry . . . Julia sighed again. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You need to step back and do nothing,” Kelvin cautioned. “Let him choose what happens next, and don’t try to sway him at all. You just let him know you’re here, that you’ll support him in whatever he decides to do, and then just step back. ’Cause my bet is Max will push, threaten, make demands, like he always did—and Colin will quickly see who really wants him to be his own man.”

“Good call, Mr. Jones,” Julia said. “I think you’re right.”

“Good. While you’re actually listening to my pearls of wisdom, hear this,” Kelvin warned. “I wasn’t gonna get into it with you in front of your son, but damn, you were a raging bitch to Dane last night.”

She cringed. “I know.”

“He was just trying to—”

“I know.”

“And you were so—”

“I know!”

“Well, what are you going to do about it?” Kelvin demanded. “Julia Shay. When are you gonna get your head out of your ass and see that man’s the best thing that’s happened to you in a long time? That he cares about you? That man has feelings for you, Princess, and you stomped all over ’em in your stilettos.”

“Stop,” she moaned. “I know. You’re right. I suck. Guilty as charged. This one’s all on me. I really messed up, and I have to be the one to fix it.”

“Agreed. So, then? What are you gonna do about it?” Kelvin repeated. “I don’t hear a plan of action. All I hear is you flogging yourself, as usual. Knock it off.”

“You are one fierce bitch today,” Julia remarked.

“If I was there, I’d be smacking you upside your sorry red head,” he replied. “You’re lucky. Now. It’s a Sunday afternoon. Where would our favorite hottie hotel owner be? At the beach? At his apartment?”

“I have no idea.”

“You don’t—have you even tried to call him or text him yet?”

She shifted uneasily on the mattress. “Well . . . no. I figured he’s so mad at me, I should give him some space.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard today!” Kelvin cried. “Dane doesn’t need space. He needs to know you didn’t mean to be so thick and that you’re sorry and that you love him! Damn, woman, do I have to tell you everything?”

Even as her stomach churned, Julia couldn’t help but chuckle softly.

“You need to talk to him face-to-face, Jules. You need to go find him in person and beg forgiveness. But.” He paused. “Only if you want something real with him. Like, a relationship. Because he quite clearly wants more. If you don’t, he just gave you the perfect out, and it’ll be over. You can have a clean break, leave it as it is.”

“No. I don’t want it to be over. I . . .” She swallowed hard. Her mouth was dry and her heart started to thump in heavier beats. “Kel, I don’t know if he’ll still want me. And if he doesn’t want to work it out, I couldn’t take that rejection. Not now. Not after . . .” Her voice trailed off as she closed her eyes against new tears.

“Not after what?”

“Not after I realized how much I love him. I’ve just been scared. . . .” She wanted to kick herself. “I’ve been such an idiot,” she whispered hotly. Her throat closed up and she sniffed back the tears that threatened. “Oh God, Kelvin . . . I want to be with him. I love him. I’ve been so afraid that he was going to hurt me, that I hurt him first. More than once. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t . . . God, I don’t blame him for walking away.”

“Then go get him back. While you still can.”

“If I still can . . .” She drew a quivery breath, then reached for a tissue from the nightstand and dabbed at her eyes.

“Answer me something,” Kelvin said. “You really want something with him?”

“I do,” she said. “I love him. He’s wonderful.”

“Then you have to really go for it. Swallow your fears, swallow your pride, and go tell him everything you just told me.”

“You make it sound so easy,” she said.

“It is, Jules.” It was Kelvin’s turn to sigh. “Honey . . . you deserve him, you know. And you deserve to be happy. Don’t you know that yet?”

“Yeah,” she whispered back. “I didn’t know that for a long time. And with him, not at first. I’ve been too busy beating myself up, and protecting myself, to see what was right in front of me. I know he cares about me. He might even have feelings for me too. That scared me a few weeks ago. Not anymore. I have to just get over it already. Dane’s never been anything but good to me. He’s never given me any reason to doubt him.”

“Finally, she gets it.” Kelvin sounded relieved. “Honey . . . I’ve had many boyfriends. They’ve been fabulous. We had fun, I adored them, the sex was great. . . .” He paused, and his voice got hushed as he said, “And I’d give anything for any of them to have ever looked at me the way I’ve seen Dane look at you. He’s head over heels for you, Julia.”

Her breath stuck in her chest. Stunned speechless, she stilled.

“I wouldn’t encourage you to go after him if I thought he didn’t give a shit about you,” Kelvin said. “I know he does. And I know you love him, but you need to let him know that. Now. Yesterday. Last week.”

A quick, wry laugh bubbled from her.

“Okay. Go find that man and lay it all out there. This is not the time for holding back, you hear me?”

“I hear you.” Julia sat up on the bed. New resolve and determination flowed through her like liquid, something powerful, infusing her with strength and fire. “I don’t want to lose him, Kelvin. I have to tell him.”

“Thatta girl.”

“But . . .” A last burst of fear skittered through her. “What if it’s too late? What if I really blew it?”

“Only one way to find out.”

“Right.” Julia rose from the bed and went across the room to her tote bag. “Kelvin Jones, you are the best friend in the world.”

“You’re right. I am. Lucky you.”

She laughed. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said. “I’m glad I could help. And I’m so glad it went well with Colin.”

“Why don’t you come out with us tomorrow night?” she asked.

“I’d love to, but I’ll leave it at maybe,” Kelvin said. “I’m hoping tomorrow night you’re going to be too busy having dinner with Dane to have time for me.”

She huffed out a nervous breath and said, “I’ll get back to you on that.”

 

 

She hadn’t been able to reach Dane. He was unreachable. He was avoiding her.

Julia had sent three texts and left a voice mail, with no response. She couldn’t even be mad at him for it. He’d never shut her out like this before. Whether he was doing it to give her a taste of her own medicine, or because he was really done with her, she didn’t know. All she knew was she hated it.

At least dinner with Colin was delightful. They went to a small Italian restaurant on the Upper East Side that Dane had taken her to a few weeks earlier. The food was fantastic, and the moments of awkwardness between them were noticeably fewer than only the night before. They were already moving into a good groove, feeling more comfortable with each other. Conversation didn’t stop; she asked him about his friends, high school, college, his courses there, did he have any girlfriends, where did he want to live when he finished school, a million things. He answered all her questions, seemingly fascinated and touched by her interest in him. She worked hard not to seem overeager and kept it cool.

When they got back to the hotel, they’d parted ways. She needed to go home. He decided he’d spend Monday walking around the city, maybe the Village, maybe go to a museum, whatever hit him when he woke up in the morning. They made plans to have dinner again on Monday night, with Kelvin and Randi joining them, and he’d decide how much longer he’d stay in New York.

It was like a dream come true.

But on the train ride home, the raw ache in her heart floated back to the surface. Dane wasn’t answering her messages. Would he ever talk to her again, or was he just done with her? She’d gotten back to her apartment with her insides swirling, almost nauseous. Even after a fourth text to Dane around midnight, he clearly wasn’t responding. Crawling into bed with her eyes stinging, she ruefully thought that maybe the universe wasn’t done toying with her after all: she had gained back her son, but it seemed she’d lost the man she loved.

She barely slept all night. Early Monday morning, Julia opened her heavy eyes and stared at the ceiling again. Had she even slept at all? she wondered. Barely. Between the tossing and turning, her brain unable to stop grinding, and her heart just aching, who could sleep?

She wasn’t even hungry. She lay in bed for a while and watched the sunlight filter through her curtains, making patterns on the walls, and felt absolutely miserable.

At eight o’clock, her phone pinged with a text message. Her heart stopped for a second and stuck in her chest before taking off with a wild gallop. Please, she thought. Please be Dane. She reached for the phone and looked.

It wasn’t a text from Dane, but from his sister. Taken aback, Julia read:

Julia flung back the covers and practically ran to the shower.

 

 

Dane had spent the first half of Sunday nursing a hangover, and the second half up at the main house, spending time with his whole family: Tess, his father, his brother, and his two nephews and niece. He loved Charles’s kids because they were his blood, and really, they were kind of sweet, separately. One-on-one. But they were really young, and motherless, and Charles often spoiled them out of guilt. So, when all three children were together, they often turned quickly into a loud, bickering mess that resembled a miniature version of the Wall Street floor. At the end of the evening, by the time Dane had walked across the enormous back lawn to Tess’s house, it had felt like a sweet escape.

He’d gotten Julia’s messages. He wanted to answer them. He didn’t mean to play games. But he just couldn’t yet. He wasn’t sure what to say, or how to go about it. Yes, Julia’s texts and voice mail seemed heartfelt and appropriately repentant. But . . . he was still hurt. Tess had accused him of pouting. Maybe a little. He went to sleep much earlier than usual, intending to text Julia on Monday.

It was gorgeous out when he woke up, and he felt much better, all traces of the hangover finally gone. He realized with a rueful twist that he was thirty-six now—yes, closer to forty—and these days, the effects of a hangover hit him harder and longer than they used to. That made him cranky. So he went up to the main house to work out in the gym there, which he knew his father kept in top shape solely for Tess’s benefit. After a good workout, he walked back across the grass, letting the sunshine bake dry the sweat on his skin as the salty scent of the Sound floated on the air.

Tess sat at her kitchen nook, Bubbles in her lap and her laptop open on the table.

“I wondered where you went,” she said. “Good morning.”

“Morning, Tesstastic.” He took the orange juice from the fridge and poured himself a short glass. “I was in the gym. Now I’m going to jump in your pool for a while. Want to join me?”

“Thanks, but no. Maybe later. Getting through a bit of work here.”

“Gotcha. What are your plans today?”

“Don’t have any,” she said. “Work’s so slow this week, with Labor Day weekend a few days away, I won’t go in. But I’ll do something from here. Might get some reading done later on. You?”

“I’m going to be a lazy ass and hang out by your pool most of the day,” he said, grinning. “Probably watch a movie later. I’m just going to relax. The world won’t fall apart without me for a day. I’m playing the boss card. I’ll go home tomorrow, like I’d planned. But hooky today.”

“Good for you,” she said. She ran her hand along her dog’s soft white fur. “Hey, want to do a lobster dinner down by the water? Maybe over in Blue Harbor, or Port Richard?”

Blue Harbor. Julia. Dane sighed inwardly. He hadn’t thought of her for all of two minutes, and boom, she was back on his mind. “Port Richard sounds good. I’m in.”

He didn’t bother to shower, just changed into the swimsuit that he kept in one of Tess’s guest rooms and headed straight to the pool.

The sky was bright with sunshine as he swam a few laps. He leaned idly against the wall and watched a few white puffs of cloud creep slowly along the brilliant blue sky.

He missed her.

When he went back inside, he’d text her back. Or maybe call. Yeah . . . he’d call her. He missed the sound of her voice. He missed her throaty laugh, and the way her voice lilted with humor when she bantered with him, and the way her voice got rough and hot when she moaned beneath him. . . .

Emerging from the pool, he shook off some of the water before drying off with a colorful towel. He angled one of the deck chairs toward the sun and lay on it, closing his eyes as the sun beat down on his skin. When his swim trunks were dry, he’d go in and text Julia back. He didn’t know what he’d say, but he’d answer her. . . .

He realized he must have drifted off when the sound of the sliding glass doors closing startled him. He heard soft footsteps slowly cross the deck. But he didn’t bother opening his eyes as he said, “Please tell me you brought me a nice, cold drink, Tesstastic.”

“No. I just brought me.”

The voice made his eyes snap open, and he put a hand over them to shield them from the sun. It wasn’t his sister standing there. It was Julia.