Chapter Twenty-Six - MAC
Everything that happens next is a blur. Oliver rushes to Katja, trying to understand why she’s got a pack of kittens running around her feet. Mariel is yelling, “Who the hell invited you to this wedding?” to Charles Vance, who just stands there stunned in his ten-thousand-dollar suit with his hands up, like Mariel’s got a gun on him. The Shrike women all circle around Katja and Oliver, horrified expressions on their faces at the tattered remains of her dress. The piglet in a tutu goes wild, squealing loose from Louise’s arms, and then does a flip in the air and lands on his feet, scurrying away. All five children go racing after him, which results in an upended table of lobster as he scampers onto a chair, leaps for the table, and doesn’t quite make it. The next thing I hear is a splash, and when I turn my head, there’s Mrs. Rockwell in the pool, her dress floating up around her like an unfolding parachute.
I see this in perfect clarity, because overhead there are at least six helicopters circling with spotlights.
The paparazzi just got it all on video.
Five roars, “Who the fuck invited the movie star to my island?” And then he looks at Pax, and Pax puts his hands up, just like his father did. And then Pax just turns and runs, Five chasing after him into the jungle.
I look at Ellie. She’s doing her best to understand what happened too. And then she looks at me and we can’t help it. We laugh. We laugh like idiots.
Nolan hands baby Bronte to Ivy, who is trying to calm her father down, and then Nolan jumps into the pool to rescue his new mother-in-law. But at the same time, Mariel takes a swing at Charles, which hits him square in the jaw, and he goes stumbling backwards into the pool as well, crashing into Nolan’s mother, who crashes into Nolan, who sinks below the surface.
That’s when the herd of pigs reappears.
Everyone screams and runs. People are flying off in all directions as the pigs root around in the remnants of the seafood platter that is now on the pool deck.
Then I see West trying to drag Ethan off the back of the biggest pig, because he thinks he’s gonna ride it like a bull, and Tori is standing there, holding her hair with both hands, like this can’t be happening.
“This can’t be happening,” Ellie says.
“Oh, it’s happening,” I say. “And this is fucking spectacular.”
We laugh again, mostly because it’s just funny. But also because we’re just bystanders to the unfolding chaos.
Now the kittens are climbing up Oliver’s pant leg and he’s jumping around trying to shake them off, looking like a girl trying to swat off a spider. Then Ariel Shrike gets pelted in the stomach with a lobster claw, hurled by Mathilda who is chasing down a pig, and Ariel decides she’s had enough and tackles the pig and knocks it into the pool, totally ruining Nolan’s attempt to save his mother-in-law, and he goes under again.
Then all the pigs are in the pool. I’m not sure if they’ve got some kinda pact that if one pig goes in the water they all go in, but that’s what it looks like to me. Because the chaos settles down as all the pigs do the doggie paddle around Charles, and it looks a little bit like a synchronized swimming performance. Charles is now yelling back at Mariel. “You’re crazy!” he’s screaming.
That’s when the little tutu pig squeals. Everyone turns to look at the desert table where the piglet is happily grunting as he roots deep into the center of tonight’s cake, stuffing his little piggy face.
Ellie and I laugh again.
Because this whole thing is nuts.
“This is the best wedding ever,” Ellie sighs, grabbing onto my arm and leaning against me.
I hold her close as people come back to their senses. All the kittens are scooped up, the pigs are left alone to enjoy the pool, Mrs. Rockwell and Nolan’s mother get dragged out of the water. Mariel decides to help Charles escape his wet pig prison, and gives him a hand up. Veronica and her bombshell daughters usher Katja into the house to figure out what to do about the dress. Ford Aston comes out of the jungle leading Five with a strong grip on his arm, Paxton following at a safe distance, trying to stop the bleeding from his nose by holding the cuff of his suit coat against it. West and Tori have finally gotten Ethan to calm down, and Spencer Shrike has his granddaughters all herded under the palapa and is giving them a stern talking-to about wild pigs.
I look up at the helicopters and I can almost hear the paparazzi laughing. Then I glance over at Ellie and grin. “The most perfect wedding ever. And I guess Five is just gonna have to come clean with the world about his secret life out here in paradise. Because it’s totally gonna be on the news by tomorrow.”