- Landon -
Matt made faces at his phone for twenty minutes before announcing that he was going upstairs to call his girlfriend because the reception in his basement was shit.
I kept my eyes on the video game in front of me in an effort to ignore his relationship drama and procrastinate doing the college applications stacked in front of me.
Meanwhile, Margot pretended to make flashcards on the couch beside me, though I got the sense that she was spending far more time studying my hands as I swatted the control stick and tapped the A/B buttons so I wouldn’t get murdered by terrorists.
I wasn’t sure why she was doing it. The scars on my hands were practically invisible at that point. Still, while it made me feel a little self-conscious, I didn’t want to call her out and make her feel awkward.
After all, I liked the feel of her curious eyes on me. Probably too much.
“I don’t know what he could possibly have to talk to her about,” she said, scribbling on an index card before flipping it over. “He texted her more words in the last ten minutes than I’ve heard him say all week.”
She closed her book around the stack of cards and huffed as she set it on the couch beside her.
I did my best to ignore the smooth thighs that stuck out from her little track shorts.
“Do you like her?” she asked. “His new girlfriend?”
I shrugged and hid behind a virtual army tank. “I like that she makes him happy.”
She let her closest thigh fall against my leg.
I blew up a second later and blood poured down the screen.
“Sorry,” she said.
I tossed the controller where Matt had been sitting and leaned back, clasping my hands behind my head. “Don’t be. I’m too old to play this anyway. I’m just procrastinating.”
She looked between me and the pile of applications. “Where do you want to go?” she asked, angling her body towards me.
“I’m not sure yet. Depends on if I get into Pitt. I’d be happy with Boston, too, though. As long as I get in somewhere really…”
“You will,” she said with a confidence I wished I shared.
I sighed.
She draped her nearest leg over mine so the pale flesh of her inner thigh lay across my lap.
I looked down at it, trying to think instead of feel.
“What would you like to do?” she asked, her voice softer.
I turned my face towards hers, keeping my hands as far away from her leg as possible even though her shorts were so short it would be easy to reach under them and… I swallowed my audible heartbeat. “Are we still talking about college?”
She fixed her blue eyes on mine and shook her head, tying my stomach in knots.
“Margot,” I said, my voice more breathless than I intended. “You’re sixteen.”
“So?”
“I’m going to be eighteen in two weeks.”
She shrugged, and the thin strap of the white bra under her tank top fell down over her shoulder. “Age is just a number.”
“Not when you’re under eighteen, it’s not.”
“Please,” she whispered. “All I want is to feel your hands on me.”
Fuck. “It’s not that simple,” I said, trying to focus on all the reasons I couldn’t just reach over and touch her. From Matt’s trust in me to his parents’ generosity, taking advantage of her was so far from being an option it wasn’t funny. But mostly I was worried about the floodgates it might open, about the fact that I didn’t think I’d be able to stop once I started.
I’d cared about her for way too long to put my hands on her and walk away. Did she know that? Was that why she was making it sound so simple, why she was making the stakes sound so low?
She pulled one of my arms down and placed it so my fingers draped across her inner thigh. Her breath grew shallow at my touch.
“This can’t happen,” I said, savoring the feel of her delicate skin as I curled my fingers into a tight fist.
“Anything can happen, Landon. I won’t ask you to stop. I promise. And I won’t tell a soul.”
I stared at her lips, growing hard at the thought of all the places I longed to see them. “I’m flattered,” I said, lifting her leg off my lap and lowering it gently beside me. “But you’re a beautiful girl, Margot. You shouldn’t just give yourself to anyone.” I wished I had chosen different words, wished I hadn’t assumed she intended to give herself to me. But what else could I think? She said she wouldn’t stop me, and I knew my desire for her would not be easily sated.
“Landon.”
I could hear the hurt in her voice as it cracked when she said my name, and knowing her pain was all my fault made me feel sick.
She sat forward, and her eyes filled with confusion. “I don’t want to give myself to just anyone. I want to give myself to you. No one else.”
It was music to my ears, yet it didn’t make me happy. It only made me ache. And worry. How long might those words haunt me? How much sleep would I lose over the fact that I hadn’t said yes? Oh, just to see her face if I said yes…
She gripped her knees and cast her eyes down to the bulge in my pants, causing it to strain against the zipper of my jeans. “You want me back,” she said, lifting her eyes again. “I know you do.”
I lifted a hand and dragged my thumb across her bottom lip, crushing it slowly like I wanted to do with my mouth so bad, the warmth of her breath tumbling over my knuckles.
Her eyes filled with a shiny hopefulness that made my insides shatter.
I leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead, right across her hairline, holding my lips there until my nose filled with the scent of her strawberry shampoo.
When I leaned back, she looked like she was going to cry.
“Let’s see how you feel in a few years, okay?”
She looked up and tried to blink back her tears.
I opened my mouth, convinced I needed to say something to comfort her further, but I closed it again when no helpful words moved to the fore.
“Hey, Landon,” Matt called from the top of the stairs. “My mom wants to know if you’re staying for dinner.”
“I can’t tonight,” I called, my eyes still on Margot’s. Then I lowered my voice and said it again, hoping she might hear me better. “I can’t tonight.”