- Margot -
here was no doubt in my mind that we were changed forever, and like Cinderella after she tried on the glass slipper, I wasn’t sure whether to squeal with glee or let out a massive sigh of relief.
I mean, how did I get so lucky? We all want things. It’s human nature. Only hardcore Buddhists can resist the constant desire for things outside their grasp, but Landon had been that constant thing for me for as long as I could remember, and I had him now.
I had his attention, his affection, and even his leg resting against mine under the table. And while I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, I sincerely hoped my actions earlier had been enough to drive us from the friend zone forever.
“What do you think?” he asked, serving himself another spoonful of rice.
I swallowed the flavorful bite I was chewing and licked my lips. “I’m surprised it’s not more popular than Indian food.”
“Is that a compliment?”
I nodded. “Maybe the highest I could give.”
“I’m glad you’re enjoying it. This is one of my favorite places.”
I sliced a fragrant piece of lamb with the side of my fork. “Do you come here a lot, then?”
“Only with people I’m crazy about,” he said, flicking his eyes up at me. “So, no.”
“I’m crazy about you, too, you know.” I reached for my wine. “But that’s not exactly news, is it? You’ve always known.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Landon.”
“Okay,” he said. “I may have suspected once or twice.”
“You totally knew. You’ve known ever since that day in the basement when—” I couldn’t say it. The memory of feeling rejected at sixteen by a boy I’d wanted for years was still as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
He leaned back in his chair. “Actually, I suspected before that.”
I furrowed my brow. “When?”
“When your parents gave me the Twister X9 for my thirteenth birthday.”
“Your skateboard? What’s that got to do with me?”
“You’re the only one who knew I wanted it.”
I squinted and tried to remember.
“We were at the end of the driveway one day, and I was watching Matt attempt a new trick on the Hurricane R8 he got for his birthday.”
I studied his face, surprised that he remembered something I didn’t when I prided myself on that sort of thing.
“You were doodling with chalk, drawing some kind of made-up bird,” he said. “I didn’t even think you were listening to me. All I said was that I would’ve asked for the Twister X9 instead.”
I bit the inside of my cheek.
“And two months later I got one for my birthday.”
“And I was the only one who knew you wanted it?”
“Of course. I wasn’t about to tell Matt I thought he picked the wrong model. And I certainly didn’t tell your parents since I was always so self-conscious about how generous they were with me anyway.”
“I remember now,” I said. “My mom asked Matt what she should get you for your birthday, and he said you didn’t want anything from her, that you thought my parents did too much for you as it was.”
“They did,” he said. “They still do.”
“They’re good like that,” I said, smiling. “Anyway, my mom insisted that thirteen was an important birthday.”
“Too bad my mom didn’t get the memo.”
My eyes drooped at the corners when I thought of how much he probably would’ve preferred a card from his mom over anything else.
“Anyway,” he said, waving his own comment away. “You must’ve told them then.”
I served myself another spoonful of rice to soak up the extra sauce on my plate. “Yeah. Now that you mention it, I remember everyone being really surprised that I was so specific.”
“I bet,” he said, his mouth twitching towards a smile.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. I was just thinking about what happened in my office earlier.”
“That wasn’t funny, Landon. That was serious.”
“Trust me, I’m all too aware of that.” He topped up our wine. “My head’s still spinning with the repercussions.”
“Just don’t pull away this time,” I said, my eyes pleading. “Don’t act like nothing happened.”
“I wouldn’t do that.”
I leaned forward. “Yes, you would. You always do. Every time something happens between us, you freak out.”
He looked down at his plate.
“You know you do.”
He sighed.
“Please don’t do it again,” I said. “Not this time. Not now that I’m all out of tricks.”
His eyes dashed up at me. “Something tells me that’s far from true.”
There was a hunger in his expression that made my stomach flip. “You know what I mean.”
“I’m sure I don’t,” he said. “At least as far as your tricks go.”
“Seriously.”
“Seriously, I know I do that,” he said, laying his fork down. “And I’ve done it too many times.”
It felt strangely comforting to hear him acknowledge the fact that he’d been knowingly torturing me. “So why did you keep doing it?”
“Because I didn’t want to—”
“What?”
“I didn’t want to come between you and everything this world has to offer,” he said. “I didn’t want to interfere with you figuring out what you really wanted.”
“You don’t get it, do you?”
He tilted an ear towards me.
“You’ve always been what I wanted.”
“You say that now,” he said. “But if I hadn’t given you space, you might never have known what else was out there, and that wouldn’t be right.”
“Pfff.”
“What do you mean pfff?”
“I mean, maybe you’re right, but that doesn’t mean I think you did me any favors.”
His mouth twitched.
“Because you know what this world has to offer?” I asked.
He leaned to one side of his chair.
“A bunch of guys who don’t give a shit about me, who don’t know where I come from, and who don’t know what I’m about.”
He flinched a little at the shit comment, like it pained him to think anyone might not have been good to me, and I was glad. He should feel like that. Not that those shitty experiences were his fault, but he was the one who made me shop around when it was never what I wanted.
“A bunch of guys I could never learn to trust as much as I trust you.”
His eyes softened.
“A bunch of guys I could never want as much.”
“Are you sure you don’t just like me because I’m the first guy who was ever nice to you?”
“Fuck you for saying that. That’s straight out of Matt’s mouth, and I know it.”
“I still had to ask.”
“No, you didn’t,” I said. “You know it’s not like that.”
He slid his hand across the table, and despite my frustration, I took it like a lifeline and found myself instantly soothed by his touch.
“I know,” he said. “I know.”
I shook my head and took a deep breath, desperate to return to the relaxed mood I was in before.
“And for what it’s worth,” he said. “I’ve been crazy about you for a lot longer than you realize.”
“No, you haven’t. You wouldn’t even be talking to me right now if I hadn’t been repeatedly throwing myself at you since I was—”
“Not true,” he said, squeezing my hand. “You’ve had my heart in your pocket since the July before you turned eight.”
I blinked at him, trying to hide my shock that he’d used that pocket phrase, which I’d never mentioned to anyone. “Excuse me?”
“I remember it like it was yesterday,” he said, letting go of my hand but keeping his eyes fixed on me. “It was pouring rain, and I was sitting in your kitchen building a paper mâché volcano with Matt for summer science club.”
“What was I doing?”
“Moving worms from the sidewalk and the flooded curb into the flower beds where they’d be safe.”
I remembered doing that more than once as a kid, but I didn’t recall that specific time.
“I thought it was a sweet—albeit unnecessary—thing to do,” he said.
“Understandable.”
“But when you came back inside that day, it was the first time I realized that you were beautiful. Like, intoxicatingly beautiful.”
A lump rose in my throat.
“You were soaking wet and your hair was dripping down the sides of your face, but you had this glow about you. I suspect it was a mixture of pride and satisfaction.”
“And?” I asked, intrigued by his tone of voice as he relived the memory.
“And that’s when I knew I liked you in a way that was different from how I liked other people.”
A coil of heat tightened in my gut.
“That’s when I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do to see you make that face again.”
“And have I?” I asked. “Made it since then?”
He nodded.
“When?”
“Earlier today,” he said, his smile pulling towards his scar. “Right after you came down my throat.”