It’s been a few weeks since the whole blow up with my mother. Each Sunday she came by, she was civil yet distant. I didn’t think she was over her mad so I remained wary. It wasn’t in our nature to forgive and forget so easily. Gage always seemed to make it to my apartment regardless of his work. Did he know I didn’t need him to hover over me and protect me? I didn’t dispute it since it felt nice having him in my corner.
He didn’t intimidate me or my mother. Although I don’t think she could ever be intimidated. She just ignored him unless she was giving him sly looks like she wanted to have him for herself. She was eerily calm each Sunday she came over. She still talked shop-talk with me as if Gage wasn’t right there listening. I didn’t want to talk about my clients with him around. It wasn’t necessarily a sore subject, but I hated knowing he could hear what we talked about.
My mother wanted to create tension between us but when she left, Gage never let the subject come between us. He really just kept his gaze on me. Gauging my reactions.
What was worse was when she talked about her ‘boyfriends’. Nothing could persuade her to change the subject. She wanted me and us to feel uncomfortable. It was like she was trying to sway Gage into thinking this was how we lived. How we lived our lives. It was uncomfortable, but Gage just leaned against the kitchen door jamb watching me.
Then last Sunday, ugh. She asked about the leather belt by the door, again. She’s always remarked how much she hated that I put it there. When I tried showing her the door, she caressed the leather belt before looking at me with question.
“Why do you keep this belt here, Taylor?”
But she didn’t keep her focus on me for my reaction but turned instead, peering right at Gage. I turned to see the anger lighting up his sky blue eyes and she smiled. Oh shit.
“I’ve told you before mother, it’s my own personal touch.”
“Ha. Gage knows though. Doesn’t he?”
“That’s none of your business, mother.”
“Gage knows your profession which you’ve kept secret. He’s one of them. But you’ve let him in. He kept your secret. He’s your little secret keeper, isn’t he?” Her green eyes sparked with triumph as she continued. “And you don’t hate that she goes to men? Fucks them however they want to be fucked and gets paid for it? I don’t understand. Any man that wanted in her bed would hate what she does. I bet you haven’t even had sex with her yet. Am I right? Of course I am.” Then her eyes turned to me, her smile turning saccharin. “You didn’t have that belt when you lived in your previous apartment. And you didn’t move in here until after York smacked you around. It prompts the question, what really happened? That belt must be significant to you or else you wouldn’t keep it. You never had it before. Something else happened. What was it, Taylor?”
I had looked over at Gage to see red creep into his neck. He was barely hanging on by a thread to his anger. The muscles corded and rippled in his arms and neck as he kept himself in check and let me decide what I should do or say. His gaze pierced mine with a velocity I’ve never seen before. His jaw clicked tight, and his hands fisted tight by his sides before he crossed them against his chest trying to calm himself.
“Mother—
“I’ll find out one way or another, daughter. So you should just tell me now.”
I saw Gage straighten and he finally spoke with tight lips, “Are you threatening her?”
My mother, of course, laughed at him. Which he did not like since he moved closer to me and tried putting himself in front of me.
God! Didn’t he know I could take care of myself? I moved around him and kept my gaze on my mother while in my peripherals I could see him sharply turn his head, willing me to look at him. I didn’t want to look at that hot, angry stare so I ignored it.
“It wasn’t a client who hit me, mother.”
“What do you mean? You were with York that day.”
A sigh got stuck in my throat and my voice shook as I spoke. “It was his son, Roger. I had been trying to date him—sort of…not really, we just sort of hung out. We met at a coffee shop. I thought I could give it a try. Something…different. I already made enough money to quit if I wanted. I kept that part quiet and private. I thought he didn’t know what I did. I was wrong. He thought if I began dating him, that I would stop seeing clients. That I would…fall in love with him or something, I guess. He never learned my real name, I was cautious. But one afternoon he confronted me after I had a meeting with his father. He’d been following me. Stalking me. Every time his father came to town, he was there. I hadn’t realized who he was. He raped me. In broad daylight. Against the car I had then. He tied my wrists with that belt and raped me.”
“Did Roger at least pay you?”
My eyes widened. She had to be kidding me? That’s how she responds to me being attacked and raped?
“You’re fucking kidding, right? Your own daughter tells you this sick fuck rapes her and you want to know if she got paid? You’re some piece of work, lady.”
“Gage. Don’t. It’s our world. It’s our way of life.” I looked at my mother and finished telling her. “He did. After it happened, he threw cash at my face telling me he finally got what he wanted since I was nothing more than a pretty prostitute. That being the whore I was, I gave him excellent service and should be paid for the job I performed. Then he left and didn’t untie me. The belt wasn’t that tight anymore since I already began twisting in and out of it. No one came to help me. I rescued myself and vowed I was going to get them all back for being disgusting, sick pigs. And I have. I am a millionaire, practically a billionaire. More than you and grandmother have ever made combined. I don’t need one man to keep me down. To tell me what to do or how to dress like I’m his own personal lap dog. I have never needed a man. I was taught young that men were only good for two things. Their wallet and their dick.”
Gage stiffened next to me, and my mother flicked her eyes back and forth between us.
“Hmmm…that is interesting. Well, I must be off. I won’t keep the two of you.”
That was it. She just left. But my attention was back on Gage as she walked away. When the door shut firmly I turned my attention fully on Gage. This only gets more humiliating with each visit.
“Gage.”
“It’s okay, Taylor. I will just say one thing.”
“One thing?”
“I do not like that woman.”
⧉
Gage pulled a lot of shifts at the fire rescue so our visits were few and far between the next few weeks.
One thing that was becoming a slight concern to me was Larry. He had upped his e-mails. They were becoming downright depraved and twisted. I didn’t pursue the law yet because he didn’t know who I was. I was still off the radar and that’s how I wanted it to be. How I needed it to stay.
The beginning of October was a blessing because my arrangements ended. It’s the first weekend and one of my clients had rescheduled his last appointment for Saturday. Matthew Connelly previously had arrangements on Saturdays so it wasn’t a surprise that I was going to him tonight.
I was in my office getting ready when my phone buzzed with an incoming text.
Gage
Good afternoon, beautiful.
Hi.
Gage
What are your plans?
I have an arrangement.
Gage
What time does it end?
That was it. No condemnation. No snippy comeback. He accepted me for who I was. That was the most heart wrenching aspect of our situation. I didn’t want to do these arrangements anymore. Even though I had a few more left, it felt so wrong to go to these men when Gage had my focus.
I didn’t know how to keep him from my thoughts when I went to them. I only had two clients now and as I went to each meeting, I continuously thought about Gage. What he was doing, when I would see him next. I wasn’t the only one who noticed. September had been a full month and a few of my clients even asked if I was okay.
Ugh.
My focus was blending and I didn’t want to give my clients any part of the real me. Not like before where the sheer thought of Gage would make me forget who I was with enough to actually reach orgasm. It made my heart sick.
Gage and I haven’t had sex yet and I didn’t want to damage what we’ve started. Every time we texted or talked on the phone my heart raced and pounded against my chest with excitement. I was a ball of energy when we got to see each other even if it hadn’t been many times.
Since that Sunday, it was like our passion took five steps back. I had three more arrangements. One client. Then my work year was done and time for me to move on.
I wanted to pursue a relationship with Gage, even though I had no idea how to. I wanted the chance. My phone buzzed once again.
Gage
What hotel will you be going to?
You don't have to worry about me, Gage. I’ll be right home afterwards.
Gage
What hotel and time?
I knew it was futile to not tell him. But didn’t he get that I didn’t want him to be a part of that world? He told me he didn’t grow up like I thought he had and it was like I should have known.
I’ve never known a rich boy to not take what he wanted and then discard a girl like me like she was trash. I’ve seen it with other call-girls. We might not be friends but we did look out for each other if we could.
That’s why I stuck with my rules. I was the one who said when, how, who and how much. Gage wanted to make sure I got home, which was sweet but he never asked me what went on with the arrangements and the dirty things I did with the men that paid me for my services. I got it, it was a disgusting subject to talk about with your girlfriend.
Your girlfriend who fucked for money. Who wanted a girl like that? Why was he punishing himself? What would his friends think? I met Stephen and his wife but since then, I didn’t go to where he lived. I didn’t even know where he lived. Was he embarrassed to show me to his friends? Meeting Stephen was a coincidence. His wife was nice but she warned me Gage could fall for me and quick. Which he did. It took me a little longer, but I did fall. He was what he called himself, my lodestar. I didn’t have a clue what that meant at the time and when I was alone I googled it. The North Star. In some ways, it fit perfectly. When I was with him I didn’t feel so lost. I could be myself and not worry about feeling stupid or worry about the bad, dark shit in my life.
I didn’t have a normal childhood. I knew what he thought of it. It was tragic.
Did he think I was his girlfriend? He never asked me to be his girlfriend. He just said I was his. His girl. Was it the same thing? I sometimes felt stupid when I was with him because I didn’t know what the hell I what I should do or what I was doing. Didn’t know if I was doing it right. Whatever it was.
I wanted what we had to last as long as we could make it. The words my mother spoke weighed heavily on my heart. Would I be faithful to Gage? I wanted to say yes. But I didn’t know anything about being in a relationship. Or a stable relationship. What if I faltered and let my bitterness take control and then I ruined everything?
I wanted to give Gage all of myself. All of Taylor. But after each meeting with a client, my bitterness raged at how I wanted to make men pay for being disgusting pigs. Sarah didn’t want to stop. That part of me got everything my mother talked about. I was a high-end whore. Most of my clients liked to take it to a level most would never consider and for a price I let them.
My phone rang with Paramore’s Hallelujah blaring and it naturally was the object of my affection.
“Yes, Gage?”
“Taylor, talk to me, babe.”
“About what?”
“You know what about, Tay. Let me be there for you.”
“Gage. I really like you. I know how we met was because of this part of my life, but I don’t want to mix them. I don’t want you a part of the sickness of that world. I can deal with this. It’s my last arrangement with this guy. Then I just have three more appointments and my year is done.”
I heard his heavy sigh through the phone and I could imagine him sitting, rubbing a hand down his handsome face.
“Taylor, please.”
“Dammit, Gage. Would you just please let me do this and do it without you? I hate that we are trying to be together when I’m going to arrangements. It makes me feel so dirty. I don’t want you to regret—
“Don’t go there. And you are not dirty, baby. Calm down, honey. Fine, alright. Okay. But you call me when you leave that hotel. When can I see you?”
“Your next day off is fine.”
“That’s forty-eight hours away, Tay. I want to see you before I start it tomorrow afternoon. It’s like we barely get to see each other with our schedules. I miss you. I want to be there for you when your mother comes over. I love being with you, baby.”
And have another run-in with my mother? Another stare down where when she leaves, he tries to comfort me and make me feel even guiltier for not stopping the shit my mother says? It was my mother. I’ve dealt with her for a lifetime. Her hitting me was few and far between. If Grandma Anita was still alive…then I’d worry. She was the one who carved my path and then when Roger happened, it cemented it.
“Gage, don’t suffocate me. She’s my mother. I can handle her. I can’t—
Sometimes when I least expected it, I felt like my walls were finally closing in on me. In the past few weeks, I’ve only seen him a handful of times. Our work conflicted with each other’s schedules. He came by Sunday mornings and then stayed the afternoon before he had to go work a shift at the station. I saw him once or twice during the week, either at my waitressing job or he came over on my days off when he could. I missed him, but it also let me think about everything that happened that Sunday. A lot of promises were made. A lot of feelings were exchanged. His mostly, because I was too scared to voice my own. Sarah’s bitter voice, who sounded a lot like my mother, told me it was foolish to be with guy like him. That Sunday, a lot of intimate stuff happened and it was like he put a damp cloth over that flame. Like he wasn’t ready to test any more than what we had. A few heated kisses here and there, but nothing…exciting.
Was he trying to let me down easy? Was my mother right when she said he wouldn’t have sex with me because of the other men and how we did it?
“Dammit, Taylor. Don’t you shut me out.”
“It’s three more appointments, Gage. Let me get them over and done with and I can devote my time to you.”
“Yeah, Tay. But a lot can happen until you’re finally free of that shit life.”
“Shit life?”
“Taylor, I love you. I know you’re not ready to say it back to me and I hate that I just said it over the phone but that’s okay. I love you, but these arrangements make you so bitter and angry.”
“What?”
“After you finish, we can finally put this all behind us.”
Whoa. Put it behind us?
“Like swept under a rug? Uh, Gage. My shit life as you call it was going to end with or without your fucking influence. I’m not ashamed of my past. It’s a fucked up past, but it’s not like I can redo it. It’s my past. It shaped me into who I am now.”
“Have you not seen how it’s wearing on you? You’re snippier than usual. Ever since you saw your mother trying to hit on me and this last Sunday wasn’t any better. You’re letting her get to you, Tay. When you speak to your mother, or she speaks to you, it’s like you’re not there. Like you have to keep it all bottled inside. Talk to me.”
“Talk to you? Talk to you about what? My arrangements? You want to know what sick shit I do with the men that pay me to fuck them? The nasty things I let them do to me because I’m bitter and angry? Gage, you have no idea how hard it is for me to finish these arrangements.”
“Then why do you?”
“It’s a business transaction. It’s business. It’s not personal.”
“Isn’t it though? You made it personal when that fuckwit Roger raped you. I don’t blame you for getting them for every penny they can pay you, but you can always stop it. You can say when you’re done.”
“I thought you said you’d be patient with me?”
“I am. And trust me, thinking about you being intimate with another man, let alone for money is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to witness.”
“Then maybe we should just stop then. It’s not like we really see each other much anyway.”
“Whoa. Whoa, whoa wait a minute, Taylor. I never said we should stop seeing each other.”
“You just said—
“I know what I said!”
I took the phone away from my ear and my eyes widened as shock went through me. It was the first time he’s ever yelled at me before. I didn’t like it.
“Don’t yell at me.”
“Stop being so stubborn. I hate that you go to them, Tay. I thought I could deal with it. I am dealing with it. And I’m being patient. I thought if I showed you what I could give you, you’d quit your arrangements. I hate the thought of their hands on you. On what’s mine. They get to touch you however the fuck they like—
“They pay me, Gage. It’s not like I enjoy it.”
“Don’t you?”
The fuck? I looked at my phone like it was poison. Did he really just?
“What did you just say to me?”
I heard an audible fuck in the background and then Gage said, “Alright, Taylor. I’ll text you later, babe. If you’re not going to let me see you, I’m going to see what I can do at the station.”
“Don’t change the subject. You think I enjoy what they do to me?”
“Taylor. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m stressed out and taking it out on you, baby, I—
“Don’t. Don’t get all soft, sexy voice on me, Gage. You hate that I’m a whore and you can’t stand it. That’s why we haven’t had sex. Why we haven’t done anything since that Sunday. It was like a dream, wasn’t it? Wishful thinking. You don’t want to touch the sick, dirty whore because she must like fucking sick, nasty men, and sucking their dick and letting them fuck her up the ass. All the sick, depraved shit you could think up, I’ve done it all. Of course I get satisfaction from it. My mother told you, didn’t she? Girl’s like us, like me, don’t get a happily ever after. So leave me the hell alone, Gage. The whore—
Click.
He hung up on me?
Don’t cry. God, Tay. Don’t you dare fucking cry.
It didn’t matter though. Tears burned in my eyes anyway.
I finished getting ready, slipped on my heels, locked up my office, and made my way towards the door. My eyes caught on the spot near the front door where the leather belt was supposed to be.
But the spot was empty. I never took it down. I looked around and I couldn’t see it anywhere. Great. Only two people I know who could have done something with it. My mother but when she found out she laughed so I didn’t think she’d have anything to do with it. Then there was Gage. Gage had went stiff with anger when she laughed at the situation. I don’t think she would take it. She probably thought I deserved it.
So that left Gage. He hated that it was a personal vendetta to me. Thought I should move on and try to heal from my past. I was going to move on. Didn’t I say I was going to stop? Just a few more arrangements. I hoped Gage could understand that. But he just didn’t. He thought I’d stop just because I was with him? Roger had thought the same thing. But unlike Roger, Gage knew who I was and didn’t judge me. Evidently, that hadn’t really mattered. It also hadn’t been enough for him to really wait for me.
But why would he take it down? He knew what it meant to me. It was my main reason for doing this for as long as I have. I took out my phone and popped open my messaging app.
Did you take down the belt by the door?
I waited for a response, but it never came. Ugh. I couldn’t deal with this shit right now. Four nights. Four nights and I can focus on making a better life for myself. I wanted Gage to be in it, and the crap he said to me, well. I knew it had been coming. He reached a limit. I didn’t judge him. I knew he was still the sweetest, sexiest guy on the planet, but even he was human. I looked at the time and fuck, I was late.