Elise
Confused, I opened my eyes in the silence and looked up at the ceiling. My mouth was dry and my head ached. I opened my mouth to breathe because my nose was blocked.
I sighed softly, searching my mind for events. Images from last night flashed before my eyes, and I cringed inwardly at my behaviour. Fuck, I was a monkey. What the hell had I done? I groaned in humiliation. I disappointed myself most of all. If this was how I felt about what I did remember, what would I feel after I learned all the other things I had done?
And then…then I remembered Deck. His hands. My pants being removed. His body trapping me into the ground. That fear made me tense because I could still feel its grip inside my chest. Had I pushed him off me before he’d done it? I didn’t feel any different between my legs, and my whole body ached as it was, so…no, he didn’t. I’d bitten him and he’d pushed off. Yes, that was what happened.
Relief eased my fears and I took a few deep breaths, telling myself it was going to be okay.
I felt like I was floating. I was drunk still. I raised my arm and the movements were slow. Horrified, I looked at the IV in my wrist and followed the tube to the pouch of clear liquid it was attached to. Oh, my God. Why did I need this?
“How are you feeling?”
My eyes broke away from the IV stand and at the deep voice across the room. My heart hiccupped a little in my chest. Doctor Crowe. Hayden. Matt Bomer doppelganger. Whatever he was called. He was in the room, leaning back against the wall, looking at me. How long had he been here? Why was he here?
“I feel like shit,” I rasped out.
His lips crooked up on one side. “I would be too. You had alcohol poisoning. 3.16 percent. Lot of people die at 4, by the way.”
I slowly sat up on my bed, digesting his words. The room spun again and I huffed. “How long am I going to be feeling like this?”
“A little while longer.”
I swallowed. “I, uh…Is there water around?”
“Right next to you.”
I looked at the overbed table against my bed and at the plastic cup on top. I grabbed it with shaky fingers and sipped the lukewarm water. God, my throat ached. It was hard to swallow down. I felt queasier every passing second, and after three sips, I put the cup back down.
We didn’t speak for several minutes. I looked at him and he looked back at me. I didn’t know what the hell he was doing.
“I thought I heard your voice,” I whispered. “At least, I think I did.”
“I was here when they brought you in,” he replied.
I winced. “I’m sorry…I don’t know what happened.”
“You were very drunk.”
“I’ve never…that’s never happened to me before.”
He stared at me hard for several seconds. “Your mother was called. She said she’d come down sometime this morning, along with a police officer. Apparently there was an incident with a man.”
I swallowed thickly. “He didn’t…get there.”
Ugh, why was I telling him this?
He looked at me like that mattered a lot to him. “I’m very relieved to hear that, Elise.”
I cleared my throat, feeling awkward as ever now. I regretted saying anything. It wasn’t his business one bit. “You don’t…You don’t have to be here.”
“I’m off-shift,” he said. “I’m about to go. I just wanted to see how you were before I headed out.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you want to see me before you headed out?”
He sighed quietly, his brows furrowed. “You remind me of someone.”
I gave him a strange look. “Is that a bad thing?”
“She was very destructive.”
“Is that what I am?”
“Yeah.”
I frowned and looked back down at my hands. “You’re wrong.”
He chuckled wryly. “You came to me with a hand split open after you wielded an axe around. Months later I find you on a bench, bawling your eyes out over a horrible loss. Then you’re dragged in here last night, kicking and screaming, your alcohol content through the roof, and your behaviour deplorable. You also have a wallet that belongs to a Michelle in your purse, and I’m not going to start jumping to conclusions, but upon discovering your scratches and bruises on your body, your friend stated you had also gotten into an altercation at school with a girl by the name of Michelle.” He tilted his head to the side, looking at me evenly. “Am I still wrong?”
I blinked back tears. “When you say it like that…”
I sounded like a fucked up lunatic. What had possessed me to react that way? It sounded like a stranger. Had I really fallen so far?
“It’s okay to cry,” he said sympathetically. “You’re depressed.”
I scoffed. “I’m eighteen,” I rasped out. “What does an eighteen-year-old really have to be depressed about?”
“On the contrary, everything. Eighteen is a scary number. Life hits you hard. You’re officially an adult, and you discover there’s nothing really great about it. You’re part of the system, and the system eats you alive and doesn’t care that you lost your father, or that you’re alone. Eighteen is a violent number when it wants to be to a person as vulnerable as you.”
I didn’t speak. He’d knocked me speechless. I just nodded at him, though his words travelled to the deepest part of me.
“And what happened last night to you,” he added, frowning now, “was not your fault. It’s very important you know that.”
My bottom lip quivered so much, I had to bite it. I nodded again at him, no words.
He pushed off the wall and took a step forward. He glanced out the door of the room before looking back at me. “Down the block from the bus stop we chatted at, there’s a bookstore. It’s called Bookworm.” When he caught my look, he chuckled. “My mother thought of the name, not me. I’d have been more original. Anyway, I’m there Fridays and Sundays if you ever need to talk. There’s also a spot available for work if you’re looking for it. I can put a good word in.”
I smiled softly. “You think I need a job?”
“Better than stealing wallets, right?”
“I have a job already, and I didn’t steal that wallet. I picked it up and…” Ugh. I sighed, resignedly. “Okay, I took it. It wasn’t intentional, I swear. I haven’t used the money. I put te wallet back in my purse intending on returning it…sometime.”
He smiled back. “I’ll believe it when it happens, Elise.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”
He licked his bottom lip thoughtfully as he studied me. “There’s a small gathering tomorrow at the bookstore at eight. It’s a book club but we always welcome newcomers. My mother likes to do readings followed by dinner, usually pizza or something. You’re welcome to join if you’re free.”
“Will you be there?”
He smiled again. “Yeah, I will be.”
Was the doctor asking me – the drunken eighteen-year-old destructive moron – out on a date? It didn’t really seem like it, and I hoped he wasn’t. What first dates involved taking your date to the bookstore your mom owned? Still, it was a nice gesture whatever it was, and I didn’t to look at it as anything more than that.
Before I could answer, a form filled the doorway, drawing me out of the conversation. I turned my head and froze. My eyes widened and my heart picked up. Aston. I blinked hard, but not even my drunken eyes deceived me. It was him, plain as day. It was Aston.
He stood in the doorway, tired and expressionless. I glimpsed at him from head to toe. He looked…different somehow. They were subtle changes. He was bigger around the shoulders and his hair was tied back in a messy bun (some things never changed). His skin was the palest I’d ever seen, making his green eyes – god, they were beautiful – leap out of his face.
We stared at each other for some time, and I felt a myriad of emotions all battling with one another inside of me. Joy and excitement were the first to flood me. Then, as it tapered out, reservedness and anger took its place. It lingered longer as I recalled our last words and him leaving me. But then, as that too left, I felt sadness most of all.
“Take care, Elise,” I heard Hayden say quietly.
I nodded vaguely as he walked out, pushing past Aston. Aston didn’t even acknowledge him. He was too concentrated on me.
When we were completely alone, he finally moved into the room. His pace was slow and cautious. He stared at me like I was a wild animal. I didn’t blame him. I felt like I wanted to both flee and attack him for my own safety. I did neither, of course. I wasn’t that far gone from normalcy.
He took a seat by the bed, and it was too close for comfort. My eyes remained wide as I gawked at him, waiting for him to break the silence, because it wasn’t going to be me, no way.
“How are you feeling?” he asked me, his voice soft and cautious.
I eyed him dubiously. How was I feeling? Really? I clenched my jaw and narrowed my eyes at him.
His lips pursed. “Not going to talk?”
No, because I couldn’t.
“Adrian is coming. He’s going to talk to you about…about last night.” His face flashed with something dark. He sniffed gruffly and looked away. I recognized this expression. He was angry.
“Deck was arrested,” he added. “They’re going to charge him with intent to rape. You were…partly unclothed and people heard your screams. Not sure how his rich daddy’s going to get him out of this one.”
I didn’t respond, though I was relieved Deck wasn’t going to get away with this. I turned away, feeling shame over my actions, my intoxication, my vulnerability and poor decision making skills. My head still swam and I processed my environment slowly. I leaned back into the bed and turned my back to Aston, though every inch of me wanted to bend in his direction. I just couldn’t allow that to happen. Like a knife, he had cut me so deeply, and I wasn’t going to forget about it just because my heart was overdosing on his presence right now.
I heard him sigh long and slow. His defeated sigh. Yeah, well, I sighed that same damn sigh so many times since his absence. I didn’t care for it now. That was what my anger was telling me anyway.
I shut my eyes and dozed to sleep. I felt his presence every time I stirred awake. He didn’t leave me once.
*
Adrian showed up an hour later. Aston reluctantly left the room to give us space to talk. By then my head was a lot clearer. Like usual, Adrian was supportive. He held my hand and patted my back. He did things Dad would have done, and for a moment, I pretended it was my dad.
After he took my statement about the attack, he put away his things and said, “Your mother couldn’t make it. She’s stuck at work.”
I barely missed a beat. “Of course she is.”
My resentment toward her had escalated to a boiling point, and I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.
Adrian let out a long breath. “She loves you, Elise. She’s just not what she once was, but we’ll bring her back again. It just takes time.”
I eyed him tiredly. Adrian was always so eager to defend her. It didn’t make sense to me before, but now it was sort of obvious. “You’re in love with my mother, aren’t you?” I asked him in disbelief.
He just looked at me, and his silence spoke a thousand words. Yes, he loved her. He loved my absent mother and I pitied him. She’d never look in his direction, not when she was swimming in her own despair.
“Aston said he’s taking you home after you’re discharged,” he quietly said. “Get some sleep, alright?”
I nodded and he patted me softly on the shoulder before leaving.
*
It took forever for someone to come around, and the silence between Aston and me had become unbearable. When they finally told me I could go, it was afternoon and my head was aching with the need for sleep.
I walked with Aston to the parking lot. The last time I’d been here was when Dad died. I hated the feeling that gave me. I was exhausted and wobbly on my feet, but I refused his help when he leaned close to my side to keep me steady.
In my still half-drunken mind, I hated him. I didn’t want him near me. The sooner we got home, the better. I’d close my door on his face and pray he went back to his precious school and leave me alone. And then at the same time, the thought of him leaving me again killed me.
When I saw his beat up car, I nearly tripped over my feet. So many emotions flooded me at the sight of its crappiness. I couldn’t believe it was still alive. I glanced in Aston’s direction, but he was already unlocking the doors, keeping his face fixedly solemn. The deja-vu was strong as I then opened the passenger door and climbed inside. The smell of Aston’s cologne hit me, along with panic at the thought of everything that had transpired between us.
I was shaking when he slid into his side and started the car. I kept my face turned so he couldn’t see it, and stared out the window as he peeled out of the parking lot. God, the car was loud. I’d almost forgotten its shocking sounds, choking down the road. I couldn’t help but study the worn out dashboard and at the marks I’d made with my feet kicked high over it.
I’d danced in this car, sang bad songs and smiled at the guy next to me like he was my world, and now…now it was a hollow memory; a lifetime ago even though it had really been only seven months.
I couldn’t help but glance at Aston. A tingle journeyed down my spine when I caught his eyes already on me. He looked wretched, like he knew what I was thinking. I quickly turned away, unwilling to get drawn in by those green irises.
*
Aston followed me out of the car and to the house. He followed me inside and up the stairs. And when he followed me to my bedroom, I turned to him and shook my head firmly. He looked down at me for a solid two seconds before he said, “I’m not going anywhere, El. Not after what happened to you last night.”
I frowned and stomped inside my room. I quickly made to shut the door, but he was already pushing past me. I watched him sit down on my reading chair, which was a shitty old rocking chair I’d snatched for five dollars at a garage sale some time ago. It creaked under his weight and I half-expected it to break in half.
We locked eyes and I saw the determination in him. He wasn’t going anywhere, and the scary part was I hoped he wouldn’t. I kept my shaking lips sealed tightly in fear of confessing that.
A form slithered past my legs. I looked down at Tuck as he came to inspect the intruder. He circled around Aston, assessing him and sniffing him. I hoped he attacked him. Aston watched my bodyguard approach, and he extended his hand out to him, offering him his palm. Tuck stared at the palm for a long moment, almost bored, before he approached and sniffed again. Then…he nudged his nose against it. What.The.Fuck? Traitor! He probably recognized the scent of Aston still lingering in the house. Yeah, that was all. He didn’t like him or anything.
Aston smirked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I turned and disappeared inside the bathroom, not wanting to watch my cat cheat on me with someone else. Unreal! I slammed the door shut and rested my forehead against it. Shit, he was here for five minutes and he was already getting under my skin. Already finding passage to that spot reserved specifically for him.
I undressed and avoided the mirror. I slipped into the shower stall and turned on the water. I washed myself slowly, all the while listening in on any sounds outside that door. I purposely took a very long time under the water. Part of me hoped he would be gone by the time I finished. Things felt awkward, and I didn’t want to confront that awkwardness because it meant sorting through what happened and why he left me the way he did.
I hated him for it. I reminded myself of that over and over again. You hate him, you hate him, you hate him. Don’t fall for his bullshit. If he cared at all for you, he’d never have abandoned you like that.
I finished a long while later. I tiptoed to the door with the towel wrapped firmly around me. I opened it a tiny bit and peeked out. Aston was still there, his arms crossed, his chin settled on his chest. His eyes were closed and he breathed deeply and steadily. He was fast asleep, and as I opened the door and quietly changed into my pj’s, I felt my heart tug deep inside my chest. He looked so peaceful with his scruffy short beard and hair over his forehead. He must not have slept at all last night.
I found Tuck sleeping against his legs. On a huff, I picked the traitorous ass up and settled him outside my bedroom. “You can sleep on the couch tonight,” I grouchily said. Tuck turned away without another blink and scurried across the house, destroying shit. I closed my bedroom door and crawled under the covers of my bed. The air had a chill to it. I buried my face in the pillow and closed my eyes. I had that many more hours of drunkenness to burn off. I fell asleep before I could even think of anything else.