I counted the drops of water. I was up to sixteen but my mother was coming closer. She sat down at the table across from me. She was smiling, but I’d learned to tell the difference between a smile of satisfaction and a smile with an ulterior motive. I shifted uneasily in my seat. The glitter on my brand-new church shoes sparkled and caught my attention for just a few seconds before her gaze penetrated my concentration.

“I don’t like it, Mommy,” I whispered to her.

She reached across the table and took my hand, her fingers running over the golden medical bracelet she’d bought me the week before. I didn’t like it. It was a constant reminder that I was different from the other kids. I always had to have an adult with me, even when I went to the restroom. For an already awkward seven-year-old, the difference was the world. She sighed and I looked up from my hands.

“Honey, you heard what the doctor said. The seizures are getting worse. We need to get you healthy again and the shakes will help.”

“They make my stomach hurt though,” I argued.

“That just means they’re fighting off the bad germs. If you weren’t in school, maybe we could cut them down in half?”

I shook my head vigorously and started gulping down the drink. It was salty, like tears. As soon as it passed my chest, the aching pain started. I hated the daily drinks. If it hadn’t been for my father’s insistence, I would still be drinking them in the mornings and missing school. Thankfully, he’d put his foot down and left the decision of public school up to me. I loved the break from my mother, who always seemed to be watching me.

“There, now,” she said as I crumpled up on the floor. “You will feel better soon, honey. Don’t be so dramatic.”

I stayed like that for a few minutes when the sound of heavy footsteps approaching struck fear into my mother’s face. She grabbed ahold of my arm and jerked me toward the steps.

“You know how much it hurts your father to see you like this. Get upstairs, now,” she hissed.

I groaned and slowly started to crawl up the steps. When I was near the top, I stopped because the pain was so intense. In the seventies-style home, I could see down into the kitchen. My dad hugged my mom before calling out for me.

“Oh, honey, she wasn’t feeling well so I sent her to bed. Why don’t you get a shower and I’ll start dinner?”

He nodded his head before glancing down at the table. I didn’t need to see his face to know he wasn’t going to be happy. He picked up the almost empty shake and glanced up the steps to me. I smiled at him, and within seconds, he was at my side.

“Hey, honey, are you okay?” he whispered.

I nodded. “Yeah, Dad, stomach is just feeling a little funny.”

I hated it when they fought. I would do anything to keep them from being upset with each other. Everything was easier that way. He looked down the steps to my mother, who appeared very regal from where I was standing. It didn’t take long before he was back down the steps and the argument had started. I didn’t want to listen in but it was so hard to ignore them as they started to shout at each other. My father didn’t understand that I was sick. It was too hard for him to come to terms with.

“They help her!” she screamed.

The glass fell to the ground, and I jumped as my father yelled, “They are making her worse! Anyone can see that! If I didn’t know any better, I would say you wanted her to be sick!”

“How dare you?” she hissed. “I have done everything I can to keep her healthy! You were the one who was sickly as a child, not me!”

“I won’t have you giving her any more of your crazy concoctions, do you understand me?”

He spun around and went for the door, slamming it behind him. She stormed up the steps and grabbed ahold of my arm. “I told you to get in your room. Do you like to see your father hurt? Is that what you want?”

She shoved me through and I heard the door’s bolt close. It didn’t matter, though. I was too weak to move to try and get out. “You can come out when you’ve decided to be a joyful member of this family!”

* * *

I started to shake, but something felt different inside me. Fear was still there, but I wanted to fight her off. Something inside me was resisting the bullshit that she was feeding me.

Mustering the last of my strength, I screamed, “You will not hurt me anymore!”

“Julia!” Came a familiar but distant voice. “Come back to me, Julia!”

The shaking continued as I was pulled away from the dream by Aaron. I was covered in sweat, our naked bodies sizzling from the tropical night. Aaron gazed down at me, the concern still evident on his face. All I could do was smile up at him. He’d taken all the worry away from me as soon as I realized that he was with me and I wasn’t back in my mother’s house. I curled up in his arms, unwilling and afraid to let go of the moment. Aaron had become the rock that I didn’t know I needed in my life.

Even now, I thought about losing him. If he knew what I really was, how I had let my mother get away with so much, he wouldn’t love me as unconditionally as he did. It was a scary thought to try and process, but I knew the time was coming when it would need to be done. The only card I had left up my sleeve was to try honesty. Then, at the very least, I would know that I had tried to win him back despite my jaded past.

“You scared me there for a minute. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to wake you up.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t be sorry, honey. I was just worried. This isn’t the first dream you’ve had like this either.”

“It’s not?” I asked.

Aaron shook his head. “No, it’s happened a few times now. I hate seeing you like this. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t want to, but I know if I don’t, it will never get any better. There is so much you don’t know about the past few years. The secrets I kept will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

“There is nothing that you could say that would make me think any less of you. I know you’ve talked a little bit about what happened, but I would love to know the whole story.”

I shuddered. “No one wants to know about that. I was such a fool, thinking that she was a decent person.”

“Shh,” he cooed as he held me tightly. “You’ve always seen the good in people. It’s one of the first things that made me fall in love with you. Just because something bad happened this time, it doesn’t mean that you should change who you are.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You have a golden record in life. You love your daughter, you work hard, and you protect your mother. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve someone as kind as you.”

“Well,” he said quickly, “I guess it’s a good thing you don’t pick who I love then. My feelings aren’t going to change, and I’m not going anywhere. Do you understand that?”

“I do,” I whispered softly. “Can we just stay like this forever?”

“I wish we could, but I think a certain little girl would have a big problem with parents who never left the bed.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “She really is an amazing kid. I can’t wait to be a part of her life again.”

“Does this mean you’re coming back?” he asked.

“I don’t think that I was ever wondering about that. I just don’t know if I’ll be going back with you.”

“Right,” he muttered. “Because you don’t think I’ll want you after you tell me about your life? How is that fair at all, to me or to Amy? Should we have a say in that decision?”

“I don’t know,” I muttered.

“Well, I do, and we’re a family. I don’t want to lose you again because you think that you don’t belong, because you do. You have always been a part of our family, and you always will be.”

“How did I get so lucky?” I whispered to him as I pressed my body against his.

He chuckled softly. “You can’t keep distracting me with sex, you know that? Eventually, you’re going to need to talk to someone, and I hope that’s me.”

I pulled away from him a little. “I just don’t want to ruin the time that we have together.”

“Jesus, Julie.” He huffed in frustration. “I can’t keep playing this game with you! I know that I told you I would be patient, but it’s just too hard. One second, you’re climbing all over me, holding my hand, and whispering about how much you care, and the next, you’re pushing me away! I need a straight answer from you.”

“About what?” I shot back. “You want to know if I can just move back home with you and pretend like the last five years haven’t happened? Do you know what kind of question that is for a person to answer?”

“You had no problem leaving!” he yelled.

I jumped out of bed and glared at him. “There it is! I knew that it was coming! You still resent me for leaving, just like you always have.”

“Of course I resent you! You won’t tell me why, in God’s name, you left and never came back at all!”

I growled under my breath. It was the same circle I had been running through my mind. There was no way out. “Fine, you want to talk about everything that’s happened? Then we will. Then, when you realize you don’t want the damaged goods, you’re the one who can explain to our daughter why I left.”

“Fine,” he hissed. “I’m the one who did it before, so why should this time be any different?”

I gasped and stumbled backward, his words cutting into me like a burning knife. I didn’t know what to tell him. Even now, I wanted to open up to him, but his words hurt. I couldn’t take any more rejection. I knew that she was insane, but my mother had stopped calling and leaving messages. She was cutting herself off from me, and now the only family I had was getting pushed away.

He closed the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. My body was shaking just like his was. The heated moment was more than we’d fought since I left him before. He was never the type to fight or argue. Aaron didn’t like to raise his voice unless it was the only other option, but now we were getting the fight and the conversation that I’d skipped out on years before.

“We can’t keep doing this, Julia. I know that you need time, but I don’t have any more to give you. Please, just talk to me,” Aaron whispered.

“Okay,” I said.

He pulled away and looked me in the eyes. “You’re ready to tell me everything? To share what happened to you when you went back to your mother’s?”

“I am, but you have to make me a promise,” I said carefully.

“Anything.”

“You have to forgive me,” I said softly.