Chapter 30: “Choice determines destiny.”

Kenny

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I wouldn’t let myself think about him. I wouldn’t let myself miss him. A month had passed, and running had become my new obsession. I would never step foot in that boxing room again, but there were loads of options when it came to getting outside and running as hard and as far away as I possibly could. The problem was coming back.

Rook was pretty patient in the beginning, but now he wanted me to turn it into a group fitness option. He said if I took that pain and used it, I might look up one day and find it was gone. I didn’t bother arguing with him, but that was never going to happen.

I sat at a small table opposite the juice bar working out a trail route when an older fellow entered looking for me. He was thin with sandy brown hair. It was longish, in a style that used to be fashionable, and he had grey peppered at his temples. Kind brown eyes studied me from his thin face, but I had no idea who he was.

“He said his name is Gary Burden.” Mariska spoke quietly as she stood beside the small table where I sat.

I frowned up at her. “I don’t know anybody by that name.”

“Do you know anybody named Doc?”

I was on my feet at once headed to the front where the older fellow stood. “Are you Doc?” I asked, searching his expression desperately.

It was ridiculous for me to feel this sense of urgency. Slayde had known this man in prison. He wouldn’t be here to give me good news.

His brown eyes lightened when he saw me. “You have to be Kenny. I feel like I’d know you anywhere from how he described you. Only your hair...”

The purple was gone, and now it was back to straight, dark brown. “Why are you here?”

“My number came up. I got out a few days ago, and I thought I’d visit my friend. Is he here?”

He was so cheerful, but that weight was back in my chest. I’d done my best to drown it in steam, run away from it until my lungs burned, pretend it never existed, but the reality was, it was always with me.

“He went away, I’m sorry.” 

Doc’s brow lined. “Went away? But that’s impossible. The last time I talked to him...” I could only assume he read my expression and realized with every word, he was killing me a little bit more. “Would you be willing to tell me what happened?”

How did I say this out loud? He was asking me to repeat words I wouldn’t even say in my head.

“He... I guess you know he was in prison for murder.” The man nodded. “We didn’t know it at the time, but it seems the man he killed was...” I couldn’t say it. That old pain sliced through my heart with a vengeance.

“It was someone you knew?”

I waited, turning the truth over in my mind like a sheet of paper. A sheet of paper that held what? Answers?

Quietly I said the words, “It was my husband.”

Mid-afternoon was always a slow time at the gym, and for a moment we sat facing each other, the silence pressing hard inside my ears. He didn’t speak, and as the seconds ticked past, I realized I wasn’t going to break down. I guessed that meant I’d finally turned to stone.

“I’m sorry,” Doc spoke at last. “I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around what you just said.”

I wasn’t about to repeat myself. “I don’t have another way to say it.”

He paced, rubbing his scruffy chin seeming lost in thought. I remembered how Slayde used to refer to Doc’s mantras and words of wisdom. “That’s a pretty strange twist of fate.”

“That’s all you got?” I was being shitty, but fuck it. I was so far past caring anymore. “You don’t have some eternal truth for me?”

He nodded slowly. “Maybe. The Universe has a way of restoring balance. In some cultures, if you kill someone, you become responsible for their land, their family... their wife.” He caught my look and continued. “It’s a primitive system, I know. I’m only noting the comparison. Today we just kill you, widows and orphans be damned.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I was tired, and I didn’t have time for this.

“I’m talking about forgiveness.”

Turning the word over in my mind, I thought about what it could mean for me. “I was thinking about loyalty.”

“I understand that.” He nodded. “Tell you what, would you have dinner with me tonight? I think I’ll stay at Slayde’s place. He told me if I was ever in town to crash there, and maybe when he’s back—”

“Does he still have it?” I tried not to think about what it could mean if he did. He’d be back one day.

“I’ll find out, I guess. If not, I’ll wait for you there. I’d like to talk to you some more.”

I glanced at the clock. “I’ll be finished here in a few hours. I’ll drive over after.”

“Good. See you then.”

* * *

Being in Slayde’s living room filled me with a mix of emotions. The finger paintings we’d made still hung on the wall in the kitchen, and I honestly couldn’t look at them. It hurt too much. At the same time, being here, knowing Slayde still had the place... I wasn’t comfortable with the flood of hope running through me that maybe someday he’d be here again.

“The door was unlocked,” Doc said allowing me inside.

“He always left it unlocked.” I thought about that a moment. “I guess he didn’t like locked doors.”

“More like he didn’t have anything worth stealing,” Doc laughed. “This place is empty.”

Our first night here crept through my thoughts like a painful intruder. “He said if I ever lost everything, I’d be surprised at how much I didn’t need.”

“That’s just the kind of thing he would say.” Doc was energized. “It’s why I wanted to talk to you a bit longer.”

Glancing around, I raised my eyebrows. “Want me to order takeout?”

He seemed to remember we were meeting for dinner. “Yes! You probably know all the best places.”

“I wouldn’t say best, but I know places.”

Thirty minutes later, we were splitting take-out Thai food and discussing twists of fate. Doc was clearly a frustrated philosopher, and from what I gathered he’d been something of a prison guru.

“I’m surprised they kept you inside so long,” I said around a bite of spicy Pad Thai.

He shrugged. “The Universe works in mysterious ways. Things don’t happen when you think they should or in the way you think they should, yet it’s always right for you and your situation.”

I shook my head, lifting the wine glass and taking a sip. Slayde still had a half-bottle in his fridge from the last time we’d been here. I was the only one who drank it.

“I’m amazed I’m not falling apart being here right now.” Clearly the wine had loosened me up. It was a month old and not very good, but I needed something.

“Because you still love him?” Doc’s gaze was pointed.

Not answering that. “I’m also surprised how direct you can be when you want to.”

He leaned back in the chair, first studying the plate in front of him and then lifting his eyes to mine. “Five years ago, you didn’t know each other, and I’m willing to bet you were both very different people. Yes?”

An image of me at twenty-one flashed across my brain—pale, black asymmetrical haircut, short black skirts over ripped fishnets and boots. “I was a little different. I’ve had a son since then.”

“You’re a mother. That’s good,” he nodded.

“It was actually pretty careless of me,” I exhaled a laugh. “But I wouldn’t take anything for my little boy.”

He picked up his fork and moved a broccoli floret through the brown sauce on his plate. “I was in prison for the same reason as Slayde. High as a kite, I held up a convenience store needing money for more drugs. Clerk pulled a rifle... I don’t even remember killing him I was so wasted.”

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tried to keep the stony look off my face.

“Oh, it’s alright,” he chuckled ruefully. “I deserve your hatred. I should have died in that cell.”

“Yet here you are.” I thought about Derek’s bitter words to Slayde. He had a reason to be angry at the system. He had a baby boy and a beautiful wife to protect. Shaking that thought away, I put my hand over my eyes. “I think my head’s all messed up.”

“Do you believe people can change?”

For a moment, I pondered that question, trying to decide. “I don’t know.”

“When I met Slayde, he was a different person. He was driven by such rage... I’d never seen anything like it.”

My mind flickered back to the story he’d told me about his dad. It was just as painful to remember now as it had been then. “I guess he had his reasons.”

“I would pray every day.” He paused for another laugh. “I was raised Baptist, so it was all I knew to do. Anyway, I prayed every day the same thing, ‘God help me make up for my wasted life somehow.’” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Slayde would get so pissed at me. Until the day he started asking questions. It all started to change then.”

“He said you helped him.” I circled the base of my wine glass with my finger.

“Slayde wanted to change. Otherwise he would’ve never gotten out.” He was still looking at his plate. “I vouched for him to the parole board. He’s got a good heart, and he wanted to make up for his crimes. I guess they saw something in him worth taking a chance on.”

“That night on the beach, when he saved me...” I couldn’t finish. I could still see his body vibrating with adrenaline in the moonlight, his fists clenching and unclenching. I had no idea the internal battle he was fighting.

“The night you were attacked.” Doc nodded, looking down. “He called me after that. It was pretty significant for him.”

Standing quickly, I pushed the chair aside. “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go.”

I couldn’t sit here and listen to any more of this. My past and his role in it were problems I couldn’t solve. Maybe my soul would always long for his, but it couldn’t be right for us to be together.

Doc stood quickly with me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’ve got to get home. I’m going to see my son tomorrow.” Just like that, I decided on the spot.

“I don’t think it’s an accident that you found each other. Don’t make up your mind so fast on what should happen.”

Shaking my head, I pushed through the door. “Goodnight.”