Chapter 4: “Live life. No regrets.”

Kenny

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By mid-afternoon I pulled my car up to Patrick and Elaine’s place in Wilmington. The eight-hour drive was exhausting, but dashing up the stairs, I couldn’t wait to see everybody. Patrick had the door open before I’d even knocked twice.

“Hey, get in here.” He kissed my head before heading back to the bar where he was working. “Elaine and Peanut ran to the store to get more supplies.”

His back was to me, and for a moment, I took him in. His faded jeans were slung low on his slim hips and his green tee stretched across his broad shoulders. I dropped my overnight bag on the floor inside the door and walked over to where he was cutting onions, carrots, and potatoes into quarters.

“Digging the purple hair.” He hooked a long strand over his pinky and tugged before going back to his work. “But you’re still a bone. I’m making giant cheeseburgers, and I expect you to eat two.”

“Either your memory is for shit or you never listen to me.” I pecked his scruffy cheek, the warm, faintly citrus scent of him filling my nose before I hopped up onto the counter.

“What are you talking about? I always listen to you.” He only paused a moment to squint at me then he dropped the knife and pulled out several long, bamboo skewers.

“I’m lactose intolerant, dumbass. You know this. Now hand me one of those.”

“Well, shit.” His tone was teasing, and he passed me a skewer. “I can still make you a plain burger. Of which you’ll eat every bite.”

“Sounds great! Just no bun. And no kebobs for me.”

His lips pressed together as he moved the cutting board of vegetables between us. I grabbed a potato and speared it.

“That’s your problem. Why no carbs?”

“I teach low-impact, strength-training classes. Protein is what I need. Look how bulked up I am!” Pulling back my sleeve with my pinkie, I flexed my bicep proudly. I’d never had muscles before.

He shook his head. “I’ve seen bigger lumps in Lane’s oatmeal.”

“What the hell!” I kicked his thigh. “Don’t give my baby lumpy oatmeal!”

“Ow!” He laughed, which made me laugh.

“Just because you’re all Mr. Muscles.”

“Muscles need fuel. You need to eat right.” He grinned, and for a moment, we only slid vegetables onto bamboo spears. I didn’t feel like old arguments.

“So what’s going on?” He finished his and moved around me to wash his hands then leaned against the counter still holding the towel. “You usually plan your weekend visits on Monday, not Friday night. Want to talk about it?”

I finished my kebob and reached for the towel to clean my hands. In the time it took to do so, my eyes went from his light brown hair touched with the faintest caramel highlights to his smoky hazel eyes. Patrick was so good-looking. Why didn’t I feel more for him?

“I dunno.” I hesitated, feeling just the slightest bit nervous. “I haven’t been myself lately. I feel like something’s wrong with me.”

“Like what? You sick?”

“No,” I said, crossing my arms. Now I wished I hadn’t brought it up.

“Then what’s this about? What’s on your mind?”

Squinting my eyes closed, I thought about the pressure in my chest, about how it was so hard to take a deep breath. I thought about Patrick and me, and why a no-good punk in a magazine captured my attention when this sunny, Captain America didn’t.

“I feel like somehow I’m destined to make bad choices. I mean, I’ll get these opportunities, and then it’s like I run away or screw them up somehow.” Hopping down, I walked to the table, my back to him. “Like just for example, why didn’t I stay with you? You were sweet to me, and we had great chemistry. Why did I run?”

He walked over to where I stood, and I turned to study his thoughtful face. “It’s probably because you knew, deep down inside, that if you’d stayed with me, you’d be in jail right now.”

“Dammit, Patrick!” I punched him hard—left jab to the shoulder.

“Shit,” he laughed, rubbing the spot. “You really are bulking up! What was that for?”

“I thought you were being serious.” My brows pinched. “I need you to be serious for once.”

“I’m serious as a fuckin’ heart attack. If we’d stayed together, with how we both are... you’d have ended up sticking a fork in my head or something.”

Even though he was joking, I knew he was right, and it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. “It’s only because you’re ridiculously sunny all the time. If you weren’t so obnoxiously good-looking, we wouldn’t even have Lane.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.” He leaned back against the table, crossing his arms and giving me The Smile. Panty-melter. “So why the sudden attack of self-doubt?”

“I don’t know.” Rubbing my stomach, I started to pace. “Back then, I was so afraid of being disloyal to Blake’s memory. I felt like if I even acknowledged a man was attractive, I was somehow cheating on him. When I slept with you, I thought I’d die for hurting him like that.”

“I remember.” His voice grew quiet. “But Ken, Blake is dead.”

“I know!” Pushing my hands into the sides of my hair, my mind went to last night and my experience with the box. “Yesterday I was looking at his things—at our things—and it was the first time I could do it without breaking down. I’m scared of what that means, Patrick.”

He exhaled deeply, and for a few minutes he only stood there, rubbing the back of his neck. “Like what? That you could have feelings for someone else?”

“No.” I was still figuring it out myself, but I pushed on. “I think, maybe I’m scared... like even if I don’t feel the pain anymore, I still remember how bad it hurt to lose him. I can’t go through that again.”

“Why would you have to?”

My chin dropped, and a curtain of dark purple slid over my cheek. Strong arms were around me at once, pulling me against his chest. His chin rested on my head as he stroked my back. “Love is a risk, babe.”

“If I’d stayed with you it would’ve been easy. I was safe, and we had Lane...”

“Now you’re fucking with your own head. You don’t like safe, and you don’t love me.”

I stepped away from him, embarrassed. “I do...” Just not like that.

“Look at me.” He caught my shoulders, and I lifted my chin. “You made the right call. You knew it then, and you know it now. We would’ve eventually killed each other.”

I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it. He was right.

“What’s worse is I wouldn’t have Elaine, and she is perfect for me. Just like there’s someone out there perfect for you.”

“If I don’t manage to screw it all up.”

“Don’t.” His voice was calm, a direct order.

“Don’t.” I repeated. “Just like that.”

“Just like that. Don’t borrow trouble, and don’t go looking for it. Put one foot in front of the other and stay open to what might happen.”

My lips pressed together as I thought about it. “And if I ruin everything again?”

“You won’t ruin anything. You couldn’t. When you find him, he’ll be right in every way. No forks needed.” He caught my hand and held it. “Will you try?”

The smallest hint of a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth, and I nodded. “I’ll try.”

At that exact moment, the door burst open and a tiny, golden tornado blustered straight at me. “Mommy!”

I dropped to a squat just as chubby arms flew around my neck, filling every part of me with roaring love and happiness.

“Peanut!” I cried, as he hit me with such force, I sat back on my ass.

“I couldn’t get him out of his car seat fast enough.” Elaine laughed as she put two bags on the counter. Patrick had gone to meet her, and she kissed him on the lips briefly, still talking. “He kept squealing ‘Mommy!’ like there was no tomorrow.”

I hugged Lane tighter, kissing his little neck and burying my nose in his sweet baby scent that always soothed whatever was bothering me.

“Mommy,” he said, patting the sides of my head, his baby blue eyes filled with wonder. “Purple.”

“That’s right!” I stood, hauling him up with me. “Mommy’s hair is purple. You like it?”

“I love it!” Elaine had just finished pouring him a sippy cup.

“Mommy.” He reached for her, and she handed it to him. She was as beautiful as ever dressed in a simple white tank and jeans, her straight blonde hair hanging loose down her back.

Patrick sidled up behind her, sliding his hands around her waist. “How long before Lane can say he has two mommies?”

Her eyes narrowed as her elbow shot back into his stomach. “Shut up.”

“Hot,” Patrick mouthed with a wink, but I only shook my head, hugging my little boy.

“Wish I could get away with crazy colors at school.” Elaine was back in the kitchen, unpacking the bags.

Lane pulled the cup away with a smack and plunged a chubby hand into my hair. “Purple,” he said again.

“You are so smart! You know your colors.” Rubbing my nose against his, I carried him over to the table, glancing back just in time to see Patrick kissing Elaine’s neck as she put the groceries away.

If I ever doubted staying with his daddy was the absolute best choice for Lane, seeing the two of them together always erased it. Here he had a stable home with two people who loved each other as much as him. I was still trying to figure my shit out, and I earned just enough money to cover my bills. It was hard, but this way I could see him as often as possible, and it felt like I had a family, too.

“Why don’t you guys go out tonight?” I called back. “I’ll stay home with Lane, and you can have a date night.”

Patrick was saying something low to Elaine, but he stopped to yell at me. “You’ll do anything to get out of a decent meal.”

“I’ll have my dinner with Lane.”

He finished whatever he was saying, and her eyebrows rose before she hopped over to where I was sitting on the couch. “I have a better idea. Let’s have a girls’ night!”

My brow lined, and I couldn’t help being suspicious. “I don’t know. I didn’t really bring anything for going out.”

“Are you kidding? We’re in Wilmington. It’s completely casual. We’ll just go to one of the little bars and have some girl talk and flirt.”

“Hey!” Patrick called from the kitchen.

“Kenny will flirt.” She shouted back. “Mel and I will merely judge her choices. It will be a very judgy evening.”

Squeezing my baby closer, my initial impulse was to say no, but I caught sight of Patrick’s encouraging face. I had just promised him I’d try.

“But I came here to see Lane.” It was a weak last attempt, and my little boy was already resting his head on my shoulder.

“He’ll be asleep before we leave the house,” Elaine said, rubbing his back. “You’re staying in his room, right? You can snuggle with him in the morning, too.”

With a deep exhale, I surrendered.

* * *

Derek Alexander met us at the door dressed in a navy tee and jeans with a tiny infant perched on his shoulder. His muscles stretched his shirtsleeves, yet he was so careful with his little son—I silently acknowledged few things were sexier than the sight of a giant man cuddling a baby.

“Hey, Elaine. Kenny.” He pulled my companion into a hug, but I hung back.

It wasn’t only because he was ridiculously gorgeous. He was also the man Carl had gone to for help. The night I lost Blake, Carl also lost his little brother Max. It was a bar brawl, and the prosecution needed help building their case against the killers.

As a private investigator, Derek agreed to help us pro bono, which was a fancy way of saying free, and Carl always said it was because of Derek his brother got justice. I’d only met him once, because I wasn’t able to attend the trial. I’d pretty much fallen apart after Blake died, and it took a month before I even had the will to crawl out of bed. I’d heard the beginnings of what had happened that night and thrown up. After that, I didn’t want to know anymore—I just wanted it gone.

Carl sort-of adopted me as a little sister. He took care of me, bringing me food and even giving me a job when I was finally able to get on my feet again. I was eternally grateful to him and to this man standing in front of us for getting me through one of the toughest times in my life.

“Look at Dex,” Elaine cooed, taking the infant from his daddy’s arms. The dark-haired baby rooted into her neck but didn’t wake, and I watched as Derek rubbed his little back, eyes brimming with love.

He was like this gorgeous, giant mountain of perfectness, and my stomach was so tight, I couldn’t even face him to say Thank You.

All I could manage was a quiet, “He’s really cute.” I blinked quickly to meet Derek’s intense blue eyes and then away just as fast. “How old is he?”

“Six months, next Tuesday.” His voice was deep and soothing, and while it was difficult to hold eye contact with him, I could tell he was an amazing dad from the way he touched that little guy.

Melissa breezed into the room, and his expression changed again. The look that passed between them was enough to make anyone envious.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay here without me?” She smiled, rising on her tiptoes to kiss his lips.

Derek leaned forward and swept her into a huge hug. “Yes, now get out of here and have some fun with your friends.”

She laughed, squeezing his massive arms. “You make it sound like it’s such a prison sentence being here.”

A low rumble, and she took Dex from her friend’s arms. “Goodnight, my love,” she whispered before kissing his baby ear and carefully handing him back to Derek. “Let me know if he wakes up or cries or anything.”

“He’ll be fine.” Derek cuddled his little boy. “Now go before I change my mind.”

His eyes twinkled, and I knew he was teasing. Regardless, Melissa hesitated until Elaine grabbed her by the wrist.

“Good lord, you two are going to drive me crazy. Enough with all the hermit behavior.” She dragged her friend out the door with Melissa still glancing back at her gorgeous husband and darling infant.

Following, I couldn’t even criticize her. I remembered when Lane was that age. He’d stayed with me at first because I was nursing him, and I didn’t want to leave him for anything. Of course, I didn’t have any reason to leave him—he was all I had.

“He’ll only be an infant once,” Melissa argued, going slowly to the car. “I can’t help it if I hate to leave him.”

“I know how you feel,” I said giving her a smile. “I understand it a lot.”

Her blue eyes met mine, and she ducked, crinkling her nose. “I’m sure Elaine’s right, though. It’s good to get out of the house.”

The Dancing Gypsy was a small place with beaded curtains and colorful accents. A stage was in one corner and a bar in the other. Several wooden, diner-style booths were peppered around the room. I ordered a cosmopolitan while Elaine had a margarita. Melissa got a glass of white wine.

It didn’t take long to get our orders—the place was pretty empty. Still, we were decked out. Elaine had changed into a bright red top over her jeans, while I’d pulled on khaki jeggings and a long-sleeved black tunic. Melissa wore a sleeveless black dress with a fun, flippy skirt and heels.

“I really shouldn’t drink, since I’ve got to feed Dex,” she apologized, taking a small sip from her glass.

“And now you’re done!” Elaine used best teacher voice. “No more baby talk! It’s a Saturday night, Kenny’s getting laid, and you’re having nothing but adult conversation.”

My mouth dropped open, and Melissa burst out laughing. “I got the better end of that deal!”

Glancing around the room, I couldn’t help agreeing with her. The place was pretty empty, and it didn’t look to be filling up anytime soon. Even less encouraging, I was pretty sure the elderly couple in the back corner ordered waffles.

“Get talking, Jones,” Elaine continued. “We’ll figure out the guy situation when the lights go down.”

“Define adult conversation.” Melissa sipped her wine. “Vajazzling? Penis rings? Prince Alberts?”

“I knew a guy with a Prince Albert.” I lifted my drink as Elaine bounced in the seat beside me.

“Now we’re having a girls’ night! What did it feel like?”

She caught me mid-sip, and I almost snorted vodka up my nose. “It was my boss,” I coughed, and her eyes grew wider. “No! I mean, I didn’t see it or sleep with him or anything. Carl at the tattoo place was licensed to do piercings. I knew he had one.”

“What a letdown that story was!” Elaine flopped back against the booth and frowned at me before licking the salt off her glass. “I would love to try sex with metal.”

“If you convince Patrick to impale his peen, I’ll... I’ll—”

“Don’t say anything too outrageous.” Elaine took a big gulp of margarita.

“Get him convinced, and I’ll figure out something,” her friend finished.

I attempted not to snarfle as I sipped my cosmo. The waiter appeared, and Elaine waved her finger in a circle over our heads. “Another round for the table!” Then she turned back to her friend, green eyes narrowed. “You’d better think fast, Jones. Patrick is refreshingly open-minded. As opposed to some people I know.”

“I know you’re not talking about Derek.” Melissa sipped her wine, eyebrows raised. “There is nothing wrong with my man.”

I could believe that. Elaine gulped the last of her margarita. “You know who I’m talking about, and he isn’t Derek.”

“It takes a really long time to heal,” I jumped in.

“How long are we talking?” Elaine rested her head on her hand as the waiter placed drinks in front of all of us.

I lifted mine and took another sip, shaking my head. “Depends, but at least two months.”

“Two months!” She flopped back against the booth again. “Kenny, you are officially the little black cloud at the party.”

My face fell, but Melissa laughed. “You are such a pill! She can’t help it if you’re a nympho.”

“My friend Mariska would love this place,” I tried, going for a more optimistic topic. “I bet it gets really busy... at some point.”

Melissa laughed more and rested her forehead on her hand. “I’m sorry,” she said with a sniff. “It really doesn’t.”

Elaine’s eyes narrowed, and she turned to me. “Hey! Are you still doing tattoos?”

“Oh, yes!” Her friend sat up. “I would love to get something with Derek and Dex’s names or birthdates. Help me think of something.”

Tracing my finger around the rim of my glass, I thought of last night. “I’ve still got my license, but I don’t have the equipment. ”

“Well, shit.” Melissa frowned. “I loved what you did with Patrick’s ink.”

I smiled up at her. Melissa was really nice to me, but I’d never been certain of Elaine’s feelings. She seemed okay with Patrick’s and my past, but it was hard to tell.

“You have mine.” Melissa slid her second wine glass across the table. “I’m the designated driver, and with Dex nursing, I—”

“Baby talk!” Elaine held up a hand then she leaned into my ear. “Don’t worry. Once the band starts, they’ll dim the lights and this place will get crazy. Ish.”

My eyes drifted to the elderly couple now eating waffles in the back corner. “I can’t wait.”

At that moment Elaine squealed, “Ow!” and I almost spilled my cosmo. “That’s my leg, thanks!”

Melissa’s eyes were round, and she shot forward, leaning against the table, her mouth partially covered with her hand. “Brrnnn. Twrrrf o’crock.”

“What?” Elaine’s voice was too loud, but it was too late.

A tall, nice-looking guy with brown hair and eyes stopped at our booth, and her body went rigid. Standing next to him was a shorter fellow with floppy brown hair and dark eyes that drifted over each of us, pausing on me. He wore a green tee, and I could see a little ink peeking from under both shirtsleeves. Interesting.

“Hi, Elaine.” The tall guy said. “You look great as always.”

Melissa’s eyes were on her wine glass, and she fiddled her fingers along the base. She seemed to be holding her breath, which made the muscles in my stomach clench uncomfortably. Why were they both freaking out?

“Hello, Brian.” Elaine’s whole demeanor had changed, and her voice was cool and controlled. “I hope you’re not planning on causing another scene.”

“I said I was sorry for that.” Brian’s eyes went from us to sweeping the room. “I was a little drunk, but I’ve accepted that you’ve moved on... still?”

“That’s right. I have.” Elaine was ticked, but when I glanced at the shorter guy again, he was smiling at me. He was cute, so I gave him a little smile back.

“This is my cousin Gabe. He’s new in town and wanted to come over and say Hi. He works at the body shop with Ed.”

Melissa’s chin snapped up, and she seemed to be inspired. “Hi, Gabe, I’m Melissa. You know Elaine, I’m sure, and this is our friend Kenny.”

“Hi, Kenny.” His tenor voice was shy, which I decided was cute. A tatted-up shy guy was something new to me.

Smiling, I pushed a strand of purple behind my ear. “Hi.”

Elaine’s expression changed as well, and whatever issue she had with Brian was forgotten. As if on cue, a tall, slender girl with gorgeous, spiraled black hair and bohemian clothes took the stage followed by two guys similarly dressed and carrying guitars. The lights dimmed, and the girl started singing in a voice like silk. Elaine jumped out of the booth, grabbing my arm and pulling me right behind her.

“Come on, Gabe!” she shouted over the music. “Let’s dance!”

Gabe appeared as stunned as his cousin, and I couldn’t help laughing—the two cosmopolitans helped. Perhaps my brain was taking the night off? I followed Elaine out to the floor, where she started twisting her hips to the sultry rhythm. Her silky, blonde hair swished over her shoulders, and Melissa shook her head, smiling into her wine glass and keeping her seat.

I followed Elaine’s lead, swaying to the beat of the exotic music. The song was something about meeting a guy in the desert, and it didn’t take long for Gabe to come up behind me and hold my waist as we moved together, facing the band.

He was shorter than most guys I knew, and in my purple stacks, his mouth was right at my ear when he spoke. “I like your hair.”

The vibration of his voice tingled my skin, and I turned to face him. His hands were still on my waist, so I put mine on his shoulders and studied his dark eyes, blinking to mine and occasionally catching the colorful lights from the stage.

“Thanks,” I said and smiled.

We couldn’t really talk over the music, so we just danced. I thought about what Mrs. Clarkson said about my heart versus my head. I thought about my conversation with Patrick today and my feelings last night with the box. I thought about my feelings right this minute, and I realized I didn’t feel a thing—no guilt, no fear. Sorry, Gabe, still no attraction, but it didn’t matter. It was over! I wanted to laugh and spin around. I was free!

Tonight, I wasn’t Blake’s widow or the runaway who’d taken a chance on love and lost. Or even the careless dropout who’d gotten drunk and pregnant with a guy she didn’t love. I was just a girl in a silly club dancing with a cute, shy, inked-up mechanic.

The song changed to a faster tempo, and everyone started jumping around us. Brian walked up and tried to dance with Elaine, but she left the floor, going back to where Melissa sat. I didn’t care, I wanted to jump around, too. It was like a celebration in a way. I was enjoying myself, and I wasn’t buried in an avalanche of guilt. I was dancing again, and I loved it.

Gabe’s smile grew bigger, and we twisted around in front of each other, occasionally bumping hips. At some point, he caught my wrist and pulled me closer.

“Would you go out with me Friday?” His dark eyes glowed with interest, and I hated what I had to tell him—he’d done such a great job losing his shyness.

I made a wistful face. “I’m so sorry, Gabe, I live in Bayville.”

His brow creased. “What?” He shouted over the music.

“Bayville!” I said louder in his ear. “It’s in New Jersey. I’m only visiting.”

Leaning back, our eyes caught, and the side of his mouth went down. I shrugged and then leaned forward again. “But you’re really cute. Thanks for dancing with me.”

The song was ending, and he caught my chin before I pulled away. “You’re really beautiful. Let me know next time you’re in town.”

Chewing my lip, I smiled and agreed before taking off back to our booth.

Elaine was swaying in her seat, and Melissa slid toward me. “He was really cute.”

I picked up my drink and polished off the last few sips, my whole body buzzing with happiness. “He really was. Too bad I’m heading home in the morning.”

We stayed an hour longer, dancing occasionally; Elaine and I having one drink more until Melissa called it. Her blue eyes were tired, and I remembered how the early days with babies were—exhausting.

I grabbed my bag just as Elaine swerved up with her margarita. “We’ve got to get you laid! What happened to Sage?”

I snorted then, and Melissa shouted over the music. “Gabe! And it’s time to head home.”

“What did I say?” Elaine looked at me confused.

“Sage,” I said, unable to stop laughing. I couldn’t help it—I was buzzed and giddy.

She laughed, too. “That’s not even close!”

Melissa gave us a push, and we made our way to the exit. An overwhelming feeling of freedom had me floating on air, and I held Elaine’s arm. “Thank you.” I could see her confused expression as I continued. “For being so cool about everything and so sweet to Lane and for taking me out. It’s been an amazing night.”

She shrugged, looking at her feet as we walked. “I love Lane. He’s Patrick’s baby boy.”

“I know, and it’s so cool. You’ve never been angry with me or resentful.”

Her lips tightened. “I was resentful. And pretty angry with you, too.”

I stopped walking, the high I’d just been on plunging straight into the gravel. She continued a few steps toward the car and then stopped when she realized I wasn’t with her.

Melissa cleared her throat softly, but didn’t say anything. I got the feeling she was waiting to see what might happen next.

“I-I’m so sorry.” I was such an idiot. Of course she hated me—I’d had Patrick’s baby and nearly broken them up. Now I had the nerve to show up unexpectedly at her house.

But she wasn’t finished. “Then after Lane was born, and you asked me to keep him, it was like everything changed.”

I studied her face, waiting, unsure what to say.

Her brow relaxed, and a tiny smile appeared. “Lane is the sweetest little thing, and he looks so much like Patrick. How could I not love him? It’s still hard sometimes, but I know Patrick loves me.”

“I would never come between you and Patrick.” I wanted to cry, and I meant every word. “I don’t feel that way towards him. I don’t know why, but I don’t.”

She exhaled a laugh. “I believe you. I can’t say I understand you, but everything about Patrick says he loves me. I love him, and I love Lane.”

Melissa suddenly charged forward, catching us both in a hug. “Oh, you two!” She cried. “It’s so good to clear the air finally!”

The finally made my face burn with shame. I’d been so self-absorbed. “I’m so sorry, Elaine. I won’t come here ever again without your permission, and I—”

“Stop it!” Elaine shook her head and put her arm over my shoulder. “That would be terrible for Lane, and like I said, it’s getting better all the time.”

My chin dropped, but she gave me a little squeeze. “Friends?”

“Of course!”

The rest of the way back, the windows were down and the music up. Melissa and Elaine discussed the appearance and disappearance of Brian, who apparently was Elaine’s ex-boyfriend and lost his shit when she started dating Patrick. Mel dropped us at the condo, promising to bring Elaine’s car back tomorrow, and we whispered goodnight before I slipped quietly into Lane’s room, over to where he slept sideways in his crib.

Resting my chin on the back of my hand, I reached down and slid a lock of soft blond hair off his little forehead. He sat up at once, causing me to jump, but his eyes were still closed. With an exhaled laugh, I gathered him into my arms, going to the small bed on the other side of the room and crawling beneath the sheets with him in my arms. Three breaths of snuggly, baby scent, and my body relaxed completely into sleep.