Chapter 7: Birthday Break

––––––––

Melissa

Mom is in the living room with Dex, and I can hear her playfully chatting with him while he lines his trains up on her coffee table.

“Is this the station?” she asks in a high-pitched tone. “Are the trains wishing Dex a happy birthday?”

His little voice answers a loud Yes! And they continue chattering.

My hands tremble as I stand in the kitchen dropping slinkies, tiny containers of bubbles, and toy trains in decorated plastic bags. I’m doing my best to stay calm, breathe through my growing anxiety as I finish the party favors for his few little birthday guests.

They’ll all be here in less than ten minutes. Lane is invited, of course, and two little boys from Dex’s Mom’s Day Out class. They’ll only stay for an hour, then I’ll be alone with his daddy. Another tremor moves through my stomach at the thought.

I’m not strong enough for this yet. Mom’s being very supportive, although she repeatedly slips up and makes some comment about how she can’t believe this is happening. She blames herself, saying if she hadn’t gotten sick last fall we wouldn’t have postponed our ceremony, and we’d already be married. I counter saying yes, and again I’d be stuck in a marriage built on secrets and lies. Elaine also blames herself, which is ridiculous. She didn’t force Derek to break his word. I haven’t even spoken to Patrick.

A quick glance around the kitchen, and the blue and red train decorations are all in place or draped over the table. His cake is an elaborate blue tank engine with red and yellow piping and a bright yellow 1 on the side. It’s a special delivery from my favorite client and baker “Aunt Bea,” and a bright red candle is waiting to go on top. It’s so cheery, Dex will love it. I can hardly look at it.

I’m not sure how much longer I can take the building tension waiting for his guests to arrive. Silently, I pray Derek won’t be the first one here. Then I silently add another prayer that I won’t cry during my son’s first birthday party. I’ve been crying every other time of day. My determination is to make it one hour without tears.

The doorbell rings and I jump. Stepping to the passage between the kitchen and the living area, I watch my mom catch Dex’s little hand and help him toddle to the door.

“Let’s see who it is, Dexy!”

My eyes close as I hold my breath, releasing it in a rush when I recognize the squeals of children and realize it’s Hannah and Evan from Mom’s Day out. Right behind them are Cheryl and Tatum.

“Hi, guys!” I manage to say, surprised at my ability to act so calm.

I will be calm. Dex will have a happy first birthday party. Hugs are exchanged, and I take the gifts into the kitchen. The little boys go immediately to Dex’s train station setup on Mom’s coffee table and start picking their engines.

“Such a lovely apartment,” Hannah says, giving Mom a hug. “It’s so nice of you to play hostess!”

“I thought it would be easier for everyone if we had the party in town,” I lie. The truth is I can’t have Derek back in the cottage. I’m afraid he won’t leave, and I won’t have the strength to force him.

“It is closer to everyone,” Mom agrees, supporting my fictitious excuse.

“I suppose it’s easier for Derek to pop over from the office, too,” Cheryl says.

My breath stutters, and thankfully Elaine and Lane are coming through the door at that exact moment.

“We made it!” she calls cheerfully, and Lane makes a beeline to the little boys. “Where’s my mimosa?”

“Good idea,” I say, heading for the kitchen.

My hands shake violently as I reach for the cava. It’s only a matter of moments before he’ll walk through the door, and I’ll have to face him. What the hell made me think I could do this? I should’ve insisted he wait to visit Dex at a later time when I could be elsewhere. Several deep breaths, I have to compose myself. It might have made things easier for me, but I couldn’t ban him from the party. It would be too cruel, and Dex would want his daddy.

Tears threaten in my eyes, and I quickly pop the cork. Elaine walks up behind me. “How’s it going?” Her voice is low, concerned.

“Okay,” I nod as I pour an inch of cava into her glass of orange juice. I take my wine straight, sipping it fast. “If I can make it through this party.”

A low voice from the living room interrupts my sentence. My heart stops then restarts beating painfully fast. In a gulp, I finish the rest of my wine and quickly pour another glass.

Elaine’s green eyes are fixed, and she holds my forearm. “Ready?”

Taking another sip, I see my hand tremble too much, and I set the flute on the counter. “I don’t have a choice.”

Holding hands, we start back for the living room. Rounding the corner, my entire body flushes with heat when I see him. He’s wearing dark jeans and a long-sleeved chambray button-down shirt under a brown tweed blazer. The shirt makes his eyes glow and the blazer accents the natural highlights in his dark hair. It’s ridiculous that he looks even more handsome than when I saw him two days ago. He’s carrying a soft brown teddy bear with a huge blue bow and a bouquet of red and white roses. I have to look away quickly before I lose the tiny bit of control I’m desperately clinging to.

“Oh, Derek, they’re beautiful.” Mom takes the flowers, holding his arm as if it’s a lifeline. “Did you drive straight in?”

“Yes,” his low voice cuts through me, and I can feel his gaze on my skin. “Had to get an early start, but I wouldn’t miss Dex’s party.”

“Were you out of town?” Hannah’s sitting on the floor near the boys.

“I had some business to take care of in Princeton,” he answers, and his long explanation last night on the phone of exactly what he was doing filters through my mind.

It’s too late, I stubbornly argue. Am I going to set the precedent that every time I need him to take me seriously, I have to throw him out of the house? My thoughts swirl with frustration and anger, and I realize Mom is asking me something.

“I’m sorry?” I say, blinking up to her.

“I said would you get Derek a drink?” My eyes land on his and lightning flashes to my toes.

“I-I...” I’m trying to recover when Elaine jumps in and rescues me.

“I’ll take care of it. Mimosa, Derek?”

“Just a soft drink will be fine.”

“Anybody else?” My best friend makes her way through the room, and I glance over at the clock. Fifty more minutes.

“We can head into the kitchen for cake if everybody’s ready,” I say, wishing my voice didn’t sound so fragile.

“You ready for cake, Dex?” Derek squats down beside our son, who suddenly recognizes his presence.

“Day!” Dex squeals and holds Derek’s shoulders, trying to climb him. Derek laughs, and my stomach cramps. I turn and head to the kitchen to light the candles.

An hour has never gone by so quickly. The little boys are full of cake and ice cream, goodie bags are passed out, and they’re chasing each other around the coffee table as Hannah and Cheryl say goodbye and snag their little guys. Mom sees them to the door, and I busy myself cleaning up.

Elaine has done her best to run interference between Derek and me the entire party, trapping him in the living room with discussions of all things Patrick, Stuart, little boys, buying a condo versus buying a house, car buying versus car leasing, basketball or football, fly fishing... I swear to god, if she feels responsible for our present situation, she’s redeemed herself a thousand-fold today.

Lane’s whining is the only thing able to pull her from between my ex-fiancé and me. “I guess I’d better get him home,” she says, and I can hear the worry in her voice. “Do you want to come with me, Derek? I’m sure Patrick wants to see you.”

Nice try, I can’t help thinking as Derek declines her offer. He’s here to see his son, but I know who else he’s here to see. Picking up my flute, I take a last gulp of cava. Elaine and I essentially split the bottle.

“I’ll walk you out,” Mom says. Traitor.

Dex is back to playing on the rug, but I can tell from the energy behind his train noises, he’ll be crashing soon. I’m standing in the kitchen clutching the counter when I hear him enter.

“It was a great party.” His voice is soft, and my insides twist painfully.

“Thank you,” I manage in a voice far calmer than I feel.

“Dex seems really excited about his new toys.”

“He really likes the stuffed bear you got him.” I’m still facing the counter, afraid to turn around.

“Yeah,” I hear a smile in his voice. “I know he’s a train guy, but sometimes it’s good to try new things.”

His casual tone makes me glance up at him. It’s a huge mistake, because the pain I’m feeling is reflected in his blue eyes. My heart clenches hard, and I have to look away again. He saw my response, however, and he’s at my side.

“Mom sure is taking a long time with Elaine,” I say around my rapid breath.

“Melissa.” The torture of our separation is bound up in one word. I can barely stand it.

“I think I’d better go for a walk or something.” I try to pass when he catches me by the arms.

“Wait.” His voice breaks on the words, and my eyes flood. “Won’t you talk to me just a moment?”

“It’s too late for talking.”

“It’s not too late if you still believe in us.”

Cutting my eyes up at him, I let out all the anger I’m feeling. “I always believed in us. You were the one who held me apart.”

“You know it wasn’t like that.” His low voice is urgent. “I wanted to protect you.”

“That excuse is only good once, not after you promised me—”

“Dammit, Melissa! I wasn’t trying to break my promise.”

“Still, you lied—”

“No. Lying implies deception. I never tried to deceive you.”

“You conveniently omitted the part where you drove to Raleigh because Star was being blackmailed!”

“I didn’t want you to feel responsible.”

“Responsible? How could I feel responsible? You never let me in!”

“May, tank?” Our voices have grown too loud and Dex toddles in the room. He’s holding his toy in one hand and his new bear in the other. I bend down to pick him up, but I have to look away from the break in Derek’s eyes.

“I need you to give me your key.” My voice is quiet, and I feel my body trembling as I say the words.

Derek steps toward us, but I turn my back.

“Stop this,” he pleads. “Why are you doing this?”

“I’ve lived that life. I’ve been with someone who acted one way before we were married, and once we said I do, everything changed.”

“I’m not like that.” It’s a low growl.

“Neither was he.”

“Goddammit! I am NOT Sloan Reynolds!”

Dex starts to cry, and I clutch him closer to me. “I need you to give me your key and go.”

I’m doing my best not to back down from what I have to do, doing my best to hold myself together. Doing my best not to dissolve into the fountain of tears I feel welling up in my chest. Shifting Dex on my hip, I again try to step past Derek, but again he stops me. “I won’t let you do this to us.”

“NO!” Now my voice is raised. “You’re not putting this on me. You did this to us when you lied to me. When you swore you would be honest with me and the very next day you broke your word.”

He’s holding my arm too tightly, and I’m about to give in to my tears. “Let me go, Derek.”

“I can never let you go.”

My voice trembles. “Let me put Dex down for his nap.”

His grip relaxes, but he doesn’t move. “I’m not finished talking to you.”

I push past him speaking softly to my little boy, who’s sucking his finger. Once we’re in his room at Mom’s, I lay him in the crib and pull his favorite blanket beside him. He clutches the bear close and turns his head away, ready to sleep.

For a few moments, I stand beside his crib and rub his back, blinking as the first tears drop onto my cheeks. I have to stay strong. I have to make it through this. I have to believe I’m right.

A few more moments pass. Finally, I feel like I can go back to the living room. Dex is slowly drifting to sleep as I step out and close the door. A mirror hangs in the hallway behind me, and my eyes land on the gold chain around my neck. My breath hitches, my stomach cramps, and new tears flood my eyes. Reaching around my neck, I can barely unfasten it for my trembling fingers.

Holding the necklace in my hand I walk into the living room. “I should give this back.”

“You will not.” His face looks as if I’ve slapped him. “My heart is yours. Nothing has changed. You still love me.”

More tears flood my eyes until they can’t be contained. Drops fall on my cheeks, and I have to turn away. “I do. I love you more than I’ve ever loved any man.”

“Okay, then.” He’s behind me, holding my shoulders. “I’m moving home.”

“No, you’re not.” I step forward, out of his grasp. “I’ll deal with my broken heart the way you’ll deal with yours.”

“Dammit, Melissa.” His words are sharp even if his voice is low, and I appreciate him not wanting to upset Dex any more. “How can you say that?”

“I made a vow when I left Sloan’s mansion that I’d never live that way again.”

“If you compare me to that bastard again—”

Looking back over my shoulder, I meet his eyes now. “You’re not an abusive asshole who frequents prostitutes, that’s correct. Otherwise, you treat me the same as he did.”

His jaw moves as anger flashes in his eyes. “Nowhere in the fucking universe is that true, and you know it.”

“I’m not your equal. You hold me apart from your life—”

“You’re so far in my life, I don’t know where you begin and where I end. It’s why we can’t be separated.”

From somewhere deep in my heart comes a question I’m not sure I want to ask. Yet out it spills. “Did you keep secrets from Allison?”

“Of course not, but—” His answer is so fast, so automatic, it crushes me.

“I need you to give me my key and go.”

His fists clench, and for a moment, I’m afraid he might grab me. His voice grows louder as he speaks. “Stop this goddamn stubbornness, Melissa. I hear you now. I understand what you need, and I’m ready to give it to you.”

Dex’s whimpering from his room matches the quaking of my own insides. My head is light as I back away. I can’t argue with him anymore. I don’t have the strength. Putting my necklace on the end table, I clutch it for a moment, saying my final words. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Holding the walls I make my way to Dex’s room. At this point, I’m feeling so broken down, I don’t know if I’ll make it through this. If I won this battle he wins the war. When I’d said I still loved him, I’d spoken from the depths of my soul. My heart is battered, broken, and torn, and all I want is to crawl into his arms and let him hold me. Take this pain away and come home.

Only how can I say that? He doesn’t treat me like he should. He flat out admitted he never hid things from her... He knows this isn’t the way we should live, and I have to mean more to him than that.

Dex is standing in his crib, blue eyes round, a tear hangs on his little dark lashes. I lift him into my arms and walk to the glider in the corner. He snuggles into me, and the closeness of him, his baby scent eases the bleeding hole in my chest.

It would be so easy to give in, to say it doesn’t matter and take him back. At the same time, everything inside me revolts at the prospect of going back to a life of half-truths and double-lives. Even if I know Derek isn’t Sloan, I can’t shake the ghosts of how my life used to be. The faintest hint of it sends ice water running through my veins.

If I willingly go back and nothing changes, I can only blame myself for making the same mistake twice, and this time, I can’t blame it on ignorance. This time I’d be making the decision with my eyes wide open.

Dex scrubs his little head against my shoulder, and I hug him closer. As much as it hurts being away from Derek, I also have to consider our little boy. A baby is something I never had with Sloan, thank goodness.

His little fist grips my sleeve, and I kiss his dark hair. His little humming noises as he soothes himself actually soothe me.

Derek would never hurt me the way Sloan did. His lies are different from Sloan’s in that while my ex-husband cheated on me and humiliated me at every turn, Derek has only risked everything to protect me—and then kept it a secret.

My survival instinct says to protect myself from even the hint of how my life used to be. What if my survival instinct and the man I love are on the same team, fighting the same battle? Derek says he’ll change, and maybe he will. But if he doesn’t, can I overlook this side of his personality?

“I’m going to figure this out, baby,” I whisper, kissing Dex’s ear. “I’m going to make the right decision for us. I promise.”

I just need more time.