“MAYBE WE SHOULD just start,” Skyler suggests, her wary eyes on Jess as she waits for her to blow. We’ve all been waiting, the tension like a cloud of gnats hovering around us at the Friendsgiving table. “I’m sure she’ll be here soon. We can at least eat the sides while they’re hot.”
Erin was supposed to be here already — with the missing turkey — and with both her and Ashlei missing in action coupled with the fact that Jess is only throwing this because her boyfriend cancelled her trip to see him, it’s not exactly a joyous occasion. I’m thankful Grayson is here with me, at least.
Clinton scoffs, crossing his arms with a hard roll of his eyes. “Oh, right, because you always know what’s best, don’t you, Sky?”
Skyler’s face crumples and my heart aches seeing my Big like that. She’s always so strong, so sure, but Clinton is her best friend. Their fight is taking a toll on her and we all know it.
“Bear, please. I apologized. Can we just… can’t we have a nice meal?”
Everyone watches Clinton carefully, like a bomb with three seconds left on the timer and a red wire about to be cut.
After a moment, he picks up his fork, but before I can even let out a sigh of relief he grits his teeth and drops it back to the table again.
“How the fuck are we supposed to have Thanksgiving without a goddamn turkey,” he growls as he stands, and without another look at any of us, he blows out the back door.
My eyes find Skyler’s and I reach for her wrist, squeezing it gently.
“He’s not mad about the turkey,” she explains on a sigh. “He’s just worried about his little brother and…”
“It’s fine, Big,” I say, smiling sympathetically. “I agree, we should just eat.”
“Yeah, who says you can’t make a meal out of green bean casserole?” Adam chimes in. “Challenge accepted.”
My eyes find his then, silently thanking him. He just winks, reaching forward for the mashed potatoes and piling them on his plate to get things started. But when he tries to pass the dish to Skyler, she’s still staring at the door Clinton just left through.
With a shake of her head, she drops her napkin onto her empty plate and pushes back from the table. “I’m sorry, I just need to check on him. I’ll be back.”
Jess watches her leave with murderous eyes, and when the door swings shut again and it’s just the four of us — Jess, Adam, Grayson, and myself — the swarm of gnats buzzes even louder than before.
Adam swallows, offering the dish across the table to me, instead, as Jess drops her head into her hands, kneading her temples.
I take the dish from Adam, our fingers brushing just slightly. I can’t stop the flush that colors my cheeks. We haven’t had a chance to talk face to face since Halloween, not after Grayson asked me to cancel our study date, and I feel Adam’s eyes burning into me from across the table. There have always been way more questions in those eyes of his than I’ve ever had answers for.
Jess’s phone buzzes on the table and I say a silent prayer that it’s Erin with news on the turkey, trying to keep spirits up until she can get here. But before I can even serve myself a scoop of mashed potatoes, Grayson’s chair scrapes against the floor as he stands.
“Oh, for Christ’s sake, what now?!” Jess huffs.
I pause with the bowl in my hands, looking up at Grayson as he glares at Adam across the table.
“I can’t do this anymore, Cassie,” he says, and my heart sinks as I follow his gaze to Adam and back again. “You have to choose. Him,” he snarls, thrusting a hand toward Adam. “Or me.”
“Andddd, that’s my cue.” Jess stands, throwing her napkin down and waving her hands. “You guys can have your pissing match. I’m going to get a cheeseburger.”
But I can’t even ask her to stay, or tell her I’m sorry, or do anything other than stare blankly up at Grayson, wondering what the hell is going on.
“Grayson—”
“No,” he clips, jaw set. “No, I’m serious. I can’t just fucking sit here while he drools over you from across the table.”
“Maybe I should leave,” Adam tries, placing his hands on the table to stand.
“Sit the fuck down,” Grayson growls at him, turning to me next. “This is getting settled. Tonight. I thought I could deal with you guys being friends, but his lack of respect for our relationship isn’t going to make that possible. I don’t want you around him, Cassie,” he says, the sentence like a punctuation. He’s like an alien in this moment, a foreigner I don’t recognize.
“Please,” I whisper, reaching for his hand, but he jerks it away.
“Don’t want her around me?” Adam sneers, chair flying behind him as he stands to match Grayson’s stance. “I was her friend before she even knew you existed.”
Grayson scoffs. “Friend, my ass.”
“Guys, please.” My voice is so small compared to theirs, like a bird chirp competing with a train horn.
“Sounds like someone’s threatened,” Adam shoots back. “Don’t worry, Grayson. Can’t steal a girl who doesn’t want to be stolen. You should be fine, since you spend so much time with her and really make her a priority in your life.”
“Not helping, Adam!” I shout as Grayson beats his fists on the table.
“Enough!” he growls, turning to me with wild eyes. “Do you love me?”
My voice cracks, throat thick with an unswallowable knot. “Of course.”
“I’m about to walk out that door.” He thrusts his finger toward the back door, the one Skyler and Clinton both blew out of earlier. “And if you love me like you say you do, you’ll come with me.”
He glares at Adam once more before doing exactly as he said he would. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t wait for me to come, just plows through the door, letting in the last sliver of fading sunlight before it shuts again, leaving Adam and me alone.
I don’t know how much time passes, how many times my heart beats and breaks before I look up from my hands at him. Seconds stretch into years, years reduced to just seconds as I watch one of my best friends try not to fall apart. The skin is stretched tight over his jaw, his eyes hard on the door, fists clenched at his side.
“Adam,” I whisper, throat raw.
“Just go.”
My eyes flood with tears, Adam’s face blurring as my heart splits in two, one jagged half breaking away from the other. “Please,” I beg. “Look at me.”
“What?” he snaps, tearing his eyes from the door to find mine. His chest is heaving, nose flaring. “You love him, right? So, go.”
I choke on a sob, tears spilling down my cheeks like boiling hot water, and I feel every scar they leave behind. “I don’t want it to be this way.”
“Well, it is.” His voice breaks but he clenches his jaw against it. “Go, Cassie.”
I cry harder, shaking my head.
“Go!”
Ripping myself from the chair, I try to ignore the pain in his voice as I turn my back on him, following Grayson out the back door. Something crashes to the floor behind me just before the door shuts, but I don’t look back. My arms crossed tight over my middle, I close my eyes, shuddering on a breath that burns with unfair reality more than it heals with oxygen.
I spot Grayson across the street, seated on a bench outside the Communications building. He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees me, standing, knowing then that I loved him enough to do as he asked. But with every step toward him, I hate myself more.
How long did I really expect it to last? How long could I expect Grayson to understand, knowing the way Adam feels… the way I feel?
It’s not unfair, what Grayson’s asking. It’s not unfair of him to feel the way he feels. But I still hate it all the same.
Because Adam was right — I didn’t lie. I do love Grayson.
But my heart still splits in two, because the words I didn’t say before I let him believe I chose another man over him will forever haunt me.
I do love him, but I love you, too.