CHAPTER 13

 

Kian climbed out of the taxi and trudged wearily up the driveway. He was knackered. The sun was already coming up and he hadn’t been to sleep yet.

He’d been supposed to fly home later this morning but last night after filming for the latest advert had wrapped, he’d felt this emptiness in the pit of his stomach. He could have gone bar-hopping with some of the crew, they seemed like decent guys but the truth was, he’d just wanted to come straight home to his family. He’d tried calling Cate from the airport to let her know that he was catching an earlier flight home but there had been no answer.

There was a delicious smell of garlic and tomatoes when he walked through the front door and his stomach growled loudly. He hadn’t eaten anything since craft services yesterday lunchtime. He dropped his bags by the door and walked upstairs. He badly needed a shower but his bed and the warm, pliant body of his wife were just too tempting. He tiptoed into the still dark room and shrugged off his jeans and boots. When he pulled back the covers, he realised his children were taking up most of the bed, curled up around Cate like a protective shield.

Kian lay down on the sliver of bed still available.

 

“Dada!” Cate woke up the next morning to Mateo’s little voice close to her ear. Her head still ached from everything that had happened yesterday. “He’ll be home soon.”

“He’s home now.”

Cate forced open her eyes. She must have misheard. Kian wasn’t coming home until later today. She thought about the missed calls on her phone and felt a little guilty.

She turned to look at him. She’d been awake until 3am so he couldn’t have had more than a couple of hours sleep but he was still a handsome bastard.

“It’s too early,” Lola piped up from Cate’s other side. “Go back to sleep.”

“Dada!” Mateo got up and leaning over Cate, clumsily patted his sister on the head. “Lola!”

Lola scowled, “it’s a good job you’re cute.” She sat up again. “Hey Dad.”

Cate looked at the clock, “I’m going to have a quick shower. Kian, can you watch Mats?”

She was still angry with him for not being there yesterday. She stripped off her t-shirt. “Ugh,” the skin on her stomach was still sticky from all the gel they’d used. She was just about to remove her bra when the bathroom door opened. Kian stood there, holding Mateo.

“I’ll scar him for life,” Cate protested, grabbing her t-shirt and holding it in front of her chest.

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Kian said darkly. “You’re beautiful.”

“Yeah, right,” Cate scoffed. “I need to take a shower.”

“We need to talk,” Kian felt like she was pulling away from him and he didn’t like it.

“No, we don’t,” Cate reached out to Mateo. “Come on, sweetheart.” She walked down the corridor to his bedroom and put him in the playpen with his toys. “Mama needs a shower. She’s stinky.”

“Stinky,” Mateo giggled.

Cate walked back to the bathroom and was about to close the door when Kian put the palm of his hand firmly on the door, stopping her. “Kian,” Cate said wearily.

She realised he wasn’t going to leave her alone, no matter how much she protested. She stripped off the rest of her clothes and stepped into the shower, letting the warm water sluice over her body. She reached for the soap but Kian was quicker, he lathered it up in his big, strong hands and massaged her neck and shoulders. Cate felt his morning erection nudge against the small of her back and tensed. “I don’t want to.”

“I’m not going to fuck you, Cate,” Kian growled. “I just want to touch you.” His hands roamed over her aching breasts and down over her bump.

As he cradled her bump, Kian felt her flinch. He didn’t understand. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing,” Cate shook her head. She reached down and removed his hands from her skin. “I need to wash my hair.”

She turned around and closed her eyes, letting her head fall back into the water. She could feel the baby fluttering inside her womb but she couldn’t savour it with Kian so close. She didn’t want him to know what had happened yesterday, how she’d thought for over an hour that their baby had died. She shouldn’t have had to tell him things like that. He should have been there.

After she’d washed her hair, Cate pushed past Kian and stepped out of the shower. She’d forgiven him for a lot of things over the years but she didn’t know if she could forgive him for this.

After Rovers went into administration, it was Kian who’d decided to move them to Seattle. He’d ripped Cate away from her friends and family and yet when she’d needed him the most; when she’d needed him to hold her and tell her it was going to be OK, he’d been in L.A. filming another goddamn advert.

While Cate dropped Lola off at camp, Kian paced back and forth. She’d left her cell-phone charging on the kitchen counter. Even though he knew it was wrong, he typed in the passcode which was Lola’s birthday – she’d always used the same one – and checked her e-mails.

There was one from his sister, Sinead from the early hours of the morning. Kian leaned back on the counter and read it.

 

“What are you doing?” Cate snatched the phone from Kian and shoved it in her handbag.

Kian looked up at her, “were you going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Cate played dumb.

“Cate,” he tried to reach for her but she dodged out of his way. “Don’t.”

“I can’t believe you hacked into my phone!” she paced back and forth.

Kian slammed his fist down on the counter, “you scared the shit out of me, Cate.”

Cate narrowed her eyes, “that does not give you the right to invade my privacy.”

“Your privacy?” Kian spluttered. “We’re married.” He took a step towards her, his large shadow dwarfing her slender frame. “I had a right to know.”

Cate was practically vibrating with anger, “you weren’t there, Kian.”

“You should have called me,” Kian growled, “I would have come straight home.”

Kian wanted so badly to take her upstairs and work through their issues, the way they always had before, in the bedroom but she was pregnant. He looked at her belly, heavy with his child. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how she’d felt yesterday when she’d thought that their baby had died…?

“Would you?” Cate snarled. It felt like every day she was watching fresh cracks appear in her marriage. “The last time I tried calling you in L.A. it took you six hours to call me back.”

“I’ve told you a thousand times I’m sorry about that,” Kian gritted his teeth. “We were filming on location and didn’t have cell-phone service.”

Kian’s phone buzzed on the kitchen counter. “You might as well answer it,” Cate slung her handbag over her shoulder; “we’re done here.”

She bundled Mateo in to the pushchair and stalked down the driveway. When she reached the security post, she heard somebody calling her name. It was Layla.

“Where are you headed?” Layla asked.

Cate looked across at the Sound. “I think we’re going to take the ferry.” Mateo loved travelling on the green and white ferry boats.

“Cool,” Layla said. “Can I walk with you?”

As they walked along the front towards the ferry terminal, Heidi was just opening up the Taco Shack and waved hello.

“So,” Layla started, “I was just wondering if you’re still looking for a nanny? My brother, Nate just moved here from Sacramento and he’s looking for a job. He’s really, super great with kids.”

With her marriage being so fragile, Cate wasn’t exactly eager to invite a stranger into their home but she was going to need more help with Lola and Mats, especially when the new baby came and it wasn’t like Kian couldn’t afford it.

Cate asked Layla a few more questions about her brother. He had a degree in Early Childhood Education from USC and glowing references from the two families he’d worked for previously.

She didn’t want to pry but he sounded almost too good to be true. She couldn’t help but wonder why he was in such a hurry to leave Sacramento? Layla didn’t want to go into too much detail. She just said that he’d had a falling out with their dad and was looking to make a fresh start here in Seattle. Cate could see how much Layla loved her older brother; it shone brightly in her pale-blue eyes. Cate felt a sharp pang. Even though they’d had their differences in the past; she missed her brother, Ben so much.

When they got to the terminal, Cate made a note of Nate’s e-mail address.

The ferry ride gave Cate time to think. She couldn’t ignore the pain she’d seen in Kian’s eyes when he’d looked up from reading the e-mail from Sinead. It might be irrational but Cate resented him for feeling like that, it was like plastic feelings. In all of those sixty plus minutes when she’d thought that she’d lost their baby, Kian had been oblivious. He’d only found out when it was all over. He could imagine what she must have been feeling but it was like watching through a plate glass window, he didn’t actually know.

He didn’t know how she’d felt at the shelter when she’d looked across at the small play area and seen that the gate wasn’t locked and their son was missing. After she’d left him that panicked voicemail, it had taken him six hours to call her back. Six hours in which anything could have happened.

Just like he didn’t know what it had felt like all those years ago when she’d been hunched over that wooden bench outside the Black Horse pub. The pain… The pain was so bad; she’d barely been able to breathe. She’d felt the blood trickle down her inner thighs and she’d thought that she was losing her baby. By the time Kian arrived at the hospital an hour later, Cate was already in surgery. She felt sick as she realised that she still blamed him for not being there, for kicking a stupid ball about instead.

Cate felt her chest tighten almost unbearably. She let out a strangled laugh. Of course, they would come back. She hadn’t had a panic attack since she was pregnant with Mateo.

The ferry docked in Seattle and Cate disembarked, pushing Mateo along the pier until she reached the small Subway kiosk. Her palms were sweaty and slipped on the handles of the pushchair. Her heart felt like it was slamming into her ribcage. Cate felt her vision begin to narrow and knew she needed to do something quickly. Fortunately, there was no queue at Subway so she ordered a bacon sandwich and went and sat in the plastic bucket seats, facing towards Puget Sound.

Cate unwrapped the sandwich and put the contents in the bin at the side, leaving just the wrapper. Keeping one hand on the pushchair, she brought the wrapper up to her nose and inhaled deeply. The scent of bacon filled her nostrils and the tight knot in her chest began to unravel. She knew she must have looked crazy sitting there sniffing an empty Subway wrapper but with every breath, her panic attack began to recede a little more.

Cate thought about how much she missed India. India had been her therapist when she’d had panic attacks when she was pregnant with Mateo. It was India who’d taught Cate to use the smell of bacon – Cate was a vegetarian – to trick her mind into thinking about something else when she felt the start of another panic attack. If she’d been at home, at least she could have talked to India about how she was feeling.