Nepenthe, noun
Something that can make you forget your grief and suffering.
“How’s the club life?”
I squinted and pressed my hand against my ear, trying to block out the sound of the blaring music.
“It’s good,” I shouted back. “How’s the married life?”
A guy in his late twenties approached me, and I gave him a distracted smile as he grinned at me. Arden was sighing on the other end of the line, and I tore my attention away from the hottie.
“I’m bored,” she said restlessly.
“Bored of?” I asked, moving outside until the cool night air enveloped me in a thick hug smelling of autumn.
“Everything.” She sounded sulky. “I just want to get out of here.”
“You’re not missing anything,” I tried to convince her, but she’d already cut the call.
Suddenly, I felt very alone on that club balcony, like I had absolutely no one in the world who would want to take care of me. Not that I needed anyone. I was a fucking grown-up, and I could take care of myself, couldn’t I?
With that new thought in mind, I marched back inside the club with my head held high proudly.
The music blasted through my body like a gust of wind, the heavy bass reverberating in my core. My nose was assaulted with the smell of alcohol and sweaty bodies, and my eyes watered when someone blew smoke right past me. I glared at the guy smoking a blunt right there, but he just laughed in my face when I motioned for him to put it out. He wasn’t having any of it.
I pouted and made for our VIP table, located a few steps up from the dancefloor and sectioned off from the masses with a red velvet rope.
“Where did you get off to?”
I looked at my friend Billy who’d spoken to me, offering him a weak little smile.
“Just a phone call,” I shrugged.
“Arden?” he guessed, and I nodded, sliding into the booth with him and the rest of the gang.
They were fast friends I’d made in the city, people I’d known for a maximum of six months.
Six months since we lost Posy. Six months since I felt the need to replace every familiar face in my life with a new one. Six months since I decided Arden was the only person from my past I’d keep around because I loved her too much to let her go.
“Don’t worry about her,” Billy winked at me. “We got a new bottle of champagne and we’re ready for more if you are.”
“Sure,” I shrugged, plastering on a fake smile that told him I was a good girl, the Bebe he liked, the Bebe who danced on tables until the morning and threw up in the alley behind the club after getting fingered a few feet away. “Let’s get this party started, why don’t we?”
He handed me a glass, but I pushed him out of the way and went straight for the ice bucket. The whole crew cheered me on as I grabbed the frosty bottle of Möet and started chugging straight from it. The champagne felt cool and fizzy in my mouth, and it went down my throat almost too easily. So easily I drained half the bottle before someone pried it out of my hands.
“Leave some for the rest of us, girl,” a girl in the booth giggled, and I rolled my eyes as she glugged the rest of the bottle down.
It wasn’t a problem anyway. Each and every one of us had enough cash—or loaded parents—to cover the bill for as many bottles as we wanted. It was just a competition for attention, just like most of the things in my life were. I didn’t mind it though.
Because I always fucking won.
I drank and drank until someone at the table shrieked and ran off to the dancefloor to hug someone. Through the girl’s embrace, I noticed Arden standing there, being enveloped in a bear hug and wearing a smirk on her pretty lips.
“Come to join the party?” I called out to her as she approached the table, waving at our friends, or whatever the fuck they were.
“Fashionably late,” she winked at me and sat down on the sofa next to me.
I air kissed her, but she surprised me by pulling me in for a hug.
Surprised me so much I just sat there, rigid and stiff as she wrapped her arms around my body.
We never hugged, we weren’t huggers. Posy was. But Posy was gone, gone, gone.
“What’s going on with Nick?” I asked her once she moved away, and she gave me a guilty look before shrugging. “Babe, talk to me. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” she sighed miserably. “I guess it’s just… moving a little fast. I’m not used to this relationship shit.”
“You’ll be fine,” I yelled over the sound of the music. “You deserve a good guy, Arden.”
“I guess,” she shrugged again, and I giggled at her, tugging on her long honey blonde hair.
She was wearing it down that night, along with the silver-sequined dress I’d worn a few weeks ago and I’d let her borrow. She looked fucking amazing, filling my head with memories I’d be better off forgetting. Posy was the center of all of them, giggling, laughing in that loud, obnoxious way of hers. She was always the life of the party, it was all about her. And now here we were, lost without our leader.
“I promise,” I told her again, nudging her bony ribs. “Nick’s okay in my book.”
She gave me a sideways look. “I thought you hated him.”
I made a face. “Because I knew he was a keeper,” I said. “I knew you’d end up with him, and I was scared of losing my friend.”
“Bebe…” She looked at me, cracking a tiny smile. “You can’t be serious.”
“Well, I am,” I replied, my voice strained now.
I’d told her the truth. I couldn’t cope with losing Arden too, not on top of Posy. I couldn’t handle the world alone.
Arden leaned over to me, taking my chin between her fingers and looking into my eyes. I let her, remembering all those games we’d played, the things Posy had made us do. Things Arden and I never talked about, because they were too taboo, too off limits to even mention.
She leaned closer and pressed her lips to mine. No tongue, no show for the guys in the club.
This kiss was just for me.
When she pulled back, we smiled at each other.
“I know I’m selfish,” I muttered, and she laughed out loud, making me scowl at her.
“That’s the understatement of the year,” Arden said, and I stuck my tongue out at her.
“I want the best for you, though,” I told her, putting a hand on her lap. “I’m just jealous…”
“Jealous?” Arden rolled her eyes. “Every guy in here knows who you are, Bebe. You’re the it girl. Everyone wants a piece of you. I’m just tagging along.”
I wanted to answer when we were interrupted by Billy, pulled to our feet and dragged to the dancefloor. My moping was replaced by raucous laughter, and I let myself be dragged to the center of the room. The music was loud in my ears and Arden’s smile burned brightly. I danced with her. I danced with them all, my body moving to the rhythm of the music, dancing my heart out.
I felt the booze pumping through my veins, and for once, I let myself forget. Not just about Posy, but about the mess my life was. I even forgot about Miles, even though he was constantly at the back of my mind, clawing angrily to be let out, to let him play with me.
Hands touched my body, and I wasn’t sure whether they were mine or someone else’s. I let them touch me, roam my skin, tug my dress up, slide over my tits. I just cared about dancing the stress away, pretending it was all going to go away, as long as I kept dancing, all night, all day.
A girl appeared in front of me, her eyes wide and drugged out. She was laughing, laughing so much.
I tugged on the bell sleeve of her plum-colored dress, and she turned to face me. I opened my mouth, sticking my tongue out, and she laughed, reaching into her bag and bringing out a small plastic container. She took out a small piece of paper and placed it on my tongue, but I grabbed her wrist and held up two fingers. The girl rolled her eyes, but complied, placing another piece on my tongue.
And then I really danced.
And it felt so fucking good.
I felt sweat dripping down my back, but I didn’t give a shit. It felt too good to be in the moment, to watch my surroundings changing from the shit I was used to seeing every day into an exciting wonderland where I was the reigning queen.
I wasn’t in my favorite club anymore. I watched it turn into a whole new world, where the dancers became caricatures of themselves, moving slowly in tune with the music. The DJ was the caterpillar, Billy was the Mad Hatter. Arden, where was Arden?
I wasn’t the queen anymore, I was Alice, utterly lost in Wonderland, starting to grow scared but not scared enough to stop. I needed to keep dancing, keep fucking going. So I danced. Danced and danced and danced until I felt like I was trapped inside the club, trapped and made to dance to the music blasting through the speakers. But I still danced, my feet moving of their own volition, my body swaying to the music that was starting to turn into growls and laughter that scared me, scared me so fucking much.
Someone tugged on my arm and I spun round.
“Arden,” I whispered, my tongue heavy in my mouth, my lips trembling, my eyes crazed.
“Bebe,” she growled.
Her voice was menacing. She was a monster. She was out to get me. Everyone was.
“What did you take?” she asked, shaking my shoulders. “What did you fucking take?”
I started screaming but no sound came out. I just covered my eyes and screamed in silence, where the only person who could hear me wailing was sitting in my head on their throne, fucking laughing laughing laughing, and it was Posy, sitting there, laughing at me, making me fall down the same rabbit hole, down down down.
“I don’t want to fall,” I whispered. “Don’t let me fall, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go down, let me go, let me fucking go, I don’t want to be like you, I want to live, I want to smile, I want to fucking survive!”
But that’s not what came out of my mouth.
All that I heard was my own manic laughter, loud, crazy, drugged-up laughter, and I realized how Arden was hearing it, what she thought, that it looked like I was mocking her.
“No, Arden,” I tried to say, but it came out muffled. “I need help, help me, help me please, don’t let this happen, don’t let me go, don’t let this happen to me, save me, Arden, get Miles, get me away from Posy, can’t you see? She’s evil, she’s dragging me down, she wants me to suffer, she wants the same thing to happen to me, don’t let her, don’t fucking let her, Arden please, Miles, please, don’t let her!”
All she heard was my laughing and my sobs mixing together, and she wasn’t inside my head like I was, she couldn’t hear what was happening. It was too much, and she didn’t… Even. Fucking. Know.
She was crying now, little sad tears falling down her cheeks as she pulled me against her, held me tight.
“Bebe,” she whispered in my ear as I laughed, fucking trapped, cursed by the evil queen to laugh, laugh and fucking laugh when I really wanted to cry. “It’s okay, Bebe, I understand, come on, I’ll get you home, I’ll make sure you’re alright.”
I howled. Like a wolf, like a wounded animal. I howled for her to help me.
But all that came out… Was. Fucking. Laughter.
She dragged me out into the cold night and slapped me across the face, hard, making me stumble back. And then she was holding me up, supporting me, making sure I was alright.
“Arden,” I whispered. “Arden, please.”
“Please tell me what you took,” she begged me. “So I can help you. I need to know what you took.”
“I fell,” I explained. “I fell down the rabbit hole. Someone pushed me, someone pulled me down, and I fell.”
“Bebe…” She looked into my eyes, and I saw the despair in her own. “Fuck, Bebe, this has to fucking stop.”
She dragged me down the street, with people watching us in wonder. Some of them were good but most of them were evil evil evil.
I decided to hide in a corner. The corner I knew so well. In the back of my mind, in the tiny dark alley that no one knew about. Where I could mourn, where I could be the fucking broken little mess Posy had made me into. I hid there, and I pulled the darkness around me like a blanket of nightmares. And I stayed there, made my legs work so I could follow Arden, but kept my mind in that fucked-up little corner where I could scream as much as I wanted to.
And no one could hear it.