Moonstruck, adjective
Unable to think or act normally, especially because of being in love.
We managed to hail a cab in the street, a rare occurrence since it was Friday night and the city was littered with hammered students looking for a ride.
Miles looked enormous in the car, squashed in the backseat with me. The driver looked at us curiously as I barked the name of the hospital at him, but thankfully he didn’t have any further questions. Seemingly sensing the urgency of the situation, he put his foot on the pedal and we were off.
I stared out of the window, my heart beating nervously as we wound our way through the busy streets. I felt Miles reach for me, but my hand remained limp and lifeless in my lap. The nurse I’d spoken to on the phone hadn’t given me much information, just saying Arden had collapsed at home, and her boyfriend called 911. I was listed as her emergency contact, so they called me, not her parents.
I knew why. Arden’s parents were older and quite traditional. They wanted to be heavily involved in her life, but Arden didn’t want that, and she’d been pushing them away since before I’d met her. Her eating disorder had only managed to alienate them further, and I knew Arden had listed me as an emergency contact when this had happened before. She hadn’t eaten, and she collapsed in a club while we were out once. It was fucking terrifying and I could still remember the crushing fear of not knowing whether she’d be alright.
The doctors chalked it up to dehydration and malnutrition, but Posy and I had talked them out of scheduling her a meeting with a therapist, saying she’d just gotten drunk on an empty stomach. But ever since that day, I regretted not telling the truth, and I’d asked myself countless times whether we’d made a mistake by keeping Arden’s secret from the hospital staff—and her parents.
Just like me, Arden had almost completely cut off her parents, but after Posy passed away, she’d been in touch with them regularly. I resented the fact, still unsure whether it was because of my own insecurities or the deeply rooted jealousy I still had for both my friends.
When I’d been younger, I looked up to them like so many other girls at our university. They felt so untouchable, so incredibly out of reach that I didn’t even bother trying to get closer. But when they approached me, it felt like the sky was lower that night and I was a part of the starry map. They’d put me on the horizon, and they could take me off it just as easily.
I did my best to imitate them, with Posy being the ringleader and shepherding us all into the life so many girls dreamed of. Starving ourselves so we were bone thin, and could drink on empty stomachs to get smashed easily, we dressed in expensive clothes and got paid to appear in the new nightclubs dotted around the city. As soon as word got out about us being there, the club was the new it place to be.
And now, there were only two of us left, and we were both in a fucking state.
I squeezed Miles’ hand and risked a look at him. He had a smile on his face, encouraging but not insensitive, and he was so painfully handsome it made my heart beat a little bit faster. I was still terrified, so very afraid of him just walking out on me or finally coming to his senses and realizing I was not the girl he wanted me to be. But as the seconds and the minutes passed, he convinced me that he cared about the real me, and that was the reason he stayed.
Imagining how difficult the trip must’ve been for him felt impossible, but I felt the faint tremor of his hand as he wrapped his fingers around mine. Trying to comfort him, I let my own hand touch his, my fingers sliding along his knuckles gently. The events of the past day were a whirlwind in my mind, and it felt almost impossible to think about everything that had happened. I couldn’t even do it, my head aching at the thought of those two men, and what they’d done to me.
Pulling my hand away sharply, I looked away, through the mirror. I felt Miles’ searing gaze, but I refused to look back, instead focusing my attention on our surroundings. It was raining now, thick raindrops splattering against the windshield as we made our way downtown. The journey was agonizingly slow, and when the taxi driver turned around and proudly pointed at the clock, I couldn’t believe we’d made it there in record time. It felt like a century had passed since I’d sat down in the car.
Miles paid for the ride and I gave him a grateful smile before we raced up the steps and into the hospital. We were messily dressed, Miles in his jeans and T-shirt and me in a hastily-thrown on outfit and his hoodie on top. He must have been freezing, but he didn’t say a word about it, just held my hand as we made our way into the building.
The ER waiting room was filled with people that only served to make my anxiety worse. People who were bleeding, screaming, shouting and complaining. People that scared me, because surely Arden couldn’t belong here? She’d been almost better when I’d last seen her. Surely, she couldn’t have relapsed so fast?
“Bebe!”
I turned in the direction of the voice. “Nick,” I muttered, pulling Miles behind me as I rushed toward him.
Arden’s would-be boyfriend looked completely different than I remembered him. I’d met him a bunch of times, purposely embarrassing him by pretending not to remember him and making him shake hands with me awkwardly while Posy erupted into a fit of giggles. But now, he looked much different than the guy I remembered, and the sight of him in the hospital made me think about how different my life was to Arden’s now. She was starting to settle down, slowly easing herself off the party lifestyle and beginning to build a life of her own. And here I was, still stuck in the same old lifestyle, just with new people and a new flavor in my mouth every day.
Nick was tall, not as tall as Miles, but handsome nonetheless. He’d lost some weight since I’d last seen him, and it had done wonders for his confidence. He didn’t even look away from my eyes as he came closer.
We finally met in the middle of the hallway, and Miles lingered awkwardly behind me while Nick and I stared each other down.
“Well?” I said. “She’s okay, right?”
My heart pounded in fear.
“She’s ok for now,” he replied. “They’re running some tests still. She asked for you.”
“But she’s ok?” I asked roughly, and he nodded, urging us to walk with him.
But I couldn’t. I was frozen to the spot. “Ok,” I whispered. “I guess… I guess we’ll be going, then.”
“What?” both Miles and Nick said at once, and I looked at the wall, at the ceiling, at the floor. At anything but their faces.
I didn’t know how to tell them. How to admit that I wanted to be anywhere in the world but stuck in that hospital, with both of them judging me. That I wanted to bolt for the door and run as fast as I possibly could just to get away from this whole damn mess. Because I was a selfish mess myself, and I didn’t deserve Arden. I never had. I’d always been a terrible friend.
“I really should go,” I said again, turning around abruptly and making my way to the door.
Before I could take another step, a wall of muscle and ink blocked my way, and I looked up fearfully into Miles’ eyes.
“No,” he said sternly, and I choked out a gasp, trying to get past him. His hands were on mine and he pulled me in, holding me close. “Baby, no. I’ll come with you. Please, she needs you.”
“She was f-fine the last time,” I said brokenly. “It was just d-dehydration…”
He took my hand and I followed him meekly back to where Nick was standing.
“Are we ready?” he asked, completely ignoring my meltdown. I was grateful to him for that.
Miles nodded, and we followed and made our way down the white hall, into a wing of the hospital that seemed nicer, better equipped. I had a sinking feeling that Arden’s parents would be there, and the urge to get away was so strong I dug my nails into my palms to stop myself from running.
Finally, Nick stopped in front of a hospital room and gave me an encouraging smile.
“She’s in there, her parents aren’t here yet.”
My heart sank in relief, but at the same time, I was scared about seeing my friend in this position. Alone. Vulnerable.
“Should I…” My words trailed off into nothing, but both Miles and Nick gave me encouraging smiles, urging me to step inside.
I swallowed my pride along with every instinct screaming in my head to get away, and I walked inside the room.
Arden’s bed was the only one in the beautiful white room. It looked more like a hotel room than a hospital, the bed thick and plush with too many pillows to count, and pretty, calming artwork on the walls. My friend looked small amidst the sheets. She was pale, almost ghastly so, and she looked thin, like she hadn’t looked in months.
“Arden,” I croaked, and she turned her head to look at me.
Whatever I was expecting to find in her eyes wasn’t there. Her gaze cut through me like a knife, but it softened the next second. We were just two lost girls in that moment, both struggling with the path we were supposed to take after what had happened to Posy—or rather, what she’d done to herself.
“H-how are you?” I asked, awkwardly approaching the bed laden with pillows.
There were already flowers on the little table by the window. Nick had obviously done a good job, better than me.
“I’m sorry I d-didn’t bring anything,” I said, and Arden smiled softly.
“You’re stuttering,” she pointed out the obvious and I blushed deeply, still under their influence. They were the cool girls and I was just an impostor, a girl trying to worm her way into their clique. “I used to be just like you, you know.”
“You used to st-stutter?” I asked lamely, and she shook her head. Her hands looked so small in the hospital bed.
“Before Posy found me,” she said. “I was just a wallflower. I often wondered whether that’s what I was always meant to be.”
“Arden…” I approached the bed, pulling up a chair and staring at her. I swallowed the lump in my throat, which wouldn’t let me ask the next question but I forced it out nonetheless. “Why did this happen, Arden?”
“I didn’t eat enough,” she shrugged. “Just these past few days, I swear. I’ve been good otherwise.”
“You know how much I care about y-you,” I said.
“Do you?” Her gaze was searing. “Because lately, I don’t feel like you do, Bee.”
“I do,” I said desperately. “I’ve just… I’ve been too preoccupied with myself. Not seeing anyone other than me. And I’m… I-I’m really s-s-sorry.”
It was the hardest part to get out, the actual apology. It turned my mouth to sandpaper.
A silence fell upon the room and I struggled to make sense of things.
“I really want to make th-things right,” I said. “I want to make sure you’re okay. Th-that we both are. This c-can’t fuck us over forever.”
“I know,” Arden sighed. “But we’ve been doing a damn fine job of letting it.”
She looked away, and suddenly the sight of her in that hospital bed was too much—I wanted to be in there with her.
I kicked off my trainers and climbed into bed beside her. She didn’t fight it, making space for me in the sheets, and we hugged each other close.
It felt so oddly familiar I let myself remember the old times just for once.
Entangled limbs. Loud music. Whispered words, dirty as fuck.
I shook my head. Posy was fucking gone. And now it was just the two of us—survivors of the hurricane she put us through.
“Arden,” I whispered, and she turned her head towards mine.
She was so beautiful it made me wonder how she never saw it when she looked in the mirror. Honey-kissed bronze hair, beautiful, big blue eyes. She was thin, too thin, medium height. She had killer style and a collection of heels I’d die for. We used to joke about whether Posy or I would inherit it, before… before it happened. Now, we were just two floating balloons, losing each other in the air. We had nothing to hold us together.
I tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, and she let out a soft sigh when I did it.
“I miss you,” I said softly. “I’m sorry I’ve pushed you away. You’re so important to me… you’re so special. I’ve been h-horrible. So self-involved. I’ve been trying to move past it, but…”
“I know,” she admitted. “It’s the same for me. Except I turned against myself… maybe you understand that too?”
We gave each other a knowing look. Of course she’d noticed my decisions getting worse and worse while her health deteriorated. We were both on our own path of self-destruction, and it needed to stop then and there.
“I’ll be a better friend,” I promised her. “I’ll make sure you’re okay.”
“Okay,” she whispered, her eyes flicking to the door.
It had a frosted glass panel, the shapes of the two men outside plain to see.
“Is that?” she asked, and I nodded, making her giggle. “He looks hot.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, biting my lip. “He’s… something.”
“Special,” she finished for me, and I glared at her beaming face.
My fingers touched the tube going into her arm.
“Just some liquids,” she promised me. “I’m dehydrated, and my blood sugar’s low.”
“Okay,” I muttered. “But I’m not leaving until you do.”
“Okay.” Her eyelids were heavy.
“Do you want to sleep?” I asked softly, and she nodded, squeezing my hand.
“Bebe,” she muttered, and I leaned closer, my lips an inch away from hers.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t go,” she begged, and I left a soft kiss on her mouth.
“I won’t,” I whispered, and heard her falling asleep the next second.
I pulled a sheet over her and stayed curled up next to her until I was sure she was fast asleep. Then, I got out of bed and lingered in the room. I had truly been a bad friend, the last thing either of us needed. I vowed to myself to be a better person and make sure Arden was alright.
I blew her a kiss before leaving the hospital room.
“Bebe,” Nick greeted me, two steaming Styrofoam cups in his hands.
I pressed a finger to my lips and closed the door softly.
“She fell asleep,” I told him.
“Her parents are almost here,” he said. “Here’s some coffee.”
I accepted the cup gratefully when I heard Miles laughing. I looked at Nick for an explanation and he grinned.
“You’ll have to see it to believe it,” he told me, and I furrowed my brow, moving around the corner to see what all the fuss was about.
When my eyes took in the scene before me, I was sure I was dreaming.
“What on earth,” I muttered under my breath, my chest rising quickly, my body already panicking.
“Bebe,” Miles said confidently, turning towards me with a wide grin. “We’ve been waiting. Come join us.”