After throwing myself on my bed, I break into gut wrenching sobs.

How can this be happening?

When did they even meet?

My mind rolls back to the end of August. That was the last time my mother stayed at a hotel in Boston. She helped me move my stuff into my dorm and she stayed overnight to take care of some business in the city the next day. I can’t believe when she left my dorm she met Brady in a bar. With all the fucking places to go out in Boston, they just had to pick the same one. If only I had asked her to stay longer or if I’d gone with her back to her hotel, then they never would’ve met and none of this would have happened.

But it did happen.

And I can’t undo it.

Oh God.

I can’t believe Brady had sex with Cindy.

What does this mean for us?

My phone started ringing only minutes after Brady left. He keeps calling, but I’m not ready to answer. I can’t talk to him. Speaking with him would make all of this more real than it already is and I don’t think I can handle anything else piled onto what I’m already dealing with.

Reaching over, I shut my phone off and cry until I’m so exhausted I can’t keep my eyelids from dropping shut any longer.

As if I’m not dealing with enough already, I wake to stiff cheeks from all the tears I shed and swollen eyes. I wish I hadn’t woken up yet. I’m not ready to think about everything that happened last night. It’s all too painful and the whole situation disgusts me. I’m pissed at Brady for being such a fucking pig. Why couldn’t he keep it in his pants?

And my stepmother - what the hell was she thinking? Does she make a habit of fucking strangers? Or was Brady lucky number one?

Snapping my eyes shut, I work to clear my mind. I just want to lie here and forget about everything, but it’s not working. My brain is working overtime thinking about one hundred possible scenarios involving Cindy and Brady. Flashes of them in bed together keep assaulting my mind and the more I try to shut the images down, the faster they appear.

Morbid curiosity has me wondering what exactly happened between them.

Did he go down on her?

Did she give him head?

I clench my teeth and tightly squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t want to be wondering these things. I don’t want to think about whether he got her off or if he spent the night with her.

Shrieking with frustration, I flip the covers back, climbing out of bed. I need to get busy doing something and keep my mind occupied.

I throw on the first pair of jeans and shirt I find, then add some socks and my converse. Quickly running a brush through my hair, I secure it in a ponytail and brush my teeth. Grabbing a hoodie from my desk chair, I frown when I realize it’s Brady’s. Bringing the soft worn fabric to my face, I inhale his scent. Dammit. All I want to do is go to him so he can tell me it was nothing. Tell me none of this happened. It was all a bad dream. Shaking my head, I throw his sweatshirt on the floor in the corner where I won’t have to look at it and choose a pink fleece jacket I’ve always liked. I grab my phone and my purse and I’m ready to hit the road.

When I reach the bottom of the stairs, Cindy calls out for me. I freeze in place, groaning. I don’t want to face her right now.

“Harlow,” she says as she walks toward me.

Too late.

Dammit, I was really hoping to avoid this.

“I wanted to talk to you and explain what happened with Brady and me.”

Oh God no. I don’t want to hear this. Being around Cindy is not the answer any more than seeing Brady right now would be. Let me outta here.

I stare at her, remaining silent and strong. I know if I open my mouth a deluge of anger with fly out of me, and an endless river of tears.

“I’m a little embarrassed you found out about us.” She giggles.

She fucking giggled like a schoolgirl. She doesn’t seem too embarrassed to me or slightly remorseful. I cross my arms over my chest and stare at her with no visible expression on my face.

“We had such a fabulous time that night. It’s a shame we never exchanged numbers. I’m sure he’s regretted it since.” She clasps her hands in front of her. “We could’ve been together all this time and you would have been spared all this heartache.” She gestures at me and shakes her head. “We did bump into each other a couple weeks ago and he was more than happy to see me. In fact, I was hoping to rekindle the flame between us - if you know what I mean.” She rubs her hand over my shoulder. “This is probably for the best. Boys like him don’t go for girls like you. It never works out.”

“Thanks, Cindy. You’re always thinking about what’s best for me,” I sarcastically reply.

“I know, I really do. You’re the most important thing to me, Harlow.”

My eyebrows raise in surprise at her words. “Which is why I think you need to stay far away from Brady. You don’t need a man like him. He’s the type who’d never be faithful to you. He’s probably been sleeping with other girls this whole time.”

Does she know something I don’t? Do they plan to meet up sometime?

“He’s gorgeous and guys like him love to play the field. They don’t settle down until they’ve had their fair share of ladies which doesn’t happen until they’re usually well into their thirties.”

Her words continue to play on my insecurities and I begin to question if any of our relationship was real.

What if she’s right? Maybe he’s been screwing around behind my back this whole time.

Her words echo through my mind as I hurry to the door. The walls are closing in on me and I need to get the hell away from Cindy.

“Where are you going?” she shouts. I slam the door behind me, shutting her inside, ending her hurtful words. I fumble in my purse for the keys to my white Jetta. Once they’re in hand I unlock the doors and sit behind the wheel. A sob escapes me when I rest my head back on the seat for a moment and think about where I want to go. Raine. I need my friend and I need her asap.

Picking up my cellphone, I type out a message to her.

Me - I hope you’re home. I’m on my way.

Raine - I’ll get the tissues ready.

I smile as I read her reply. She knows me so well.

The drive to Raine’s house takes me about ninety minutes. She lives in an affluent suburb on the north shore of Massachusetts. I’m not out of my seat belt before she’s running down the front steps toward me. When I step outside the car she crashes into me, knocking me off balance and then squeezing me tight. Our hug is like the perfect metaphor for our friendship. Raine shakes my world up a little, challenging me and then she’s my rock when I need her to be - holding me steady.

“I missed you. Are you okay?” She draws back to study my face.

“I missed you too. I’m not sure if I’m okay,” I answer, lifting my shoulders in a shrug.

She grabs my hand. “Let’s get out of the cold. There’s fresh hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies waiting inside”

“Come on,” she says, leading me to the kitchen. The sweet scent of fresh baked cookies is strong in the air and my stomach growls. “Sit down.” She gestures to the stools lined up under the long granite island. Pulling one out, I straddle the leather cushion and rest my feet on the stainless-steel rung around the bottom.

She gets busy plating cookies and pouring hot chocolate. Once it’s all on the counter she takes the stool next to me. “So, fill me in on what’s going on.” She blows on her hot chocolate, studying me, before taking a sip.

“Brady and Cindy slept together.”

“What?” Raine gasps, her eyes opening wide. “When?”

“It happened the night we moved into the dorm. He picked her up at a bar and went back to her hotel room. He says he didn’t even get her name and it meant nothing.”

Raine pushes her mug away and takes me in her arms. Immediately, sobs wrack my body and I cling to her like a lifeline. And right now, that’s exactly what she is for me.

She lets me get it all out before she begins to ask questions. “Where did you and Brady leave things?”

“I told him to go; I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.” I sniff and wipe the tears from under my eyes.

Raine stands, walking over to open one of the cabinets. She returns with a bottle of Bailey’s in her hand. “I think we need something stronger than just hot chocolate, right now,” she says, pouring a considerable amount of the liquor into our mugs.

“Harlow, you’re going to have to speak to him at some point. Unless you’re willing to throw away your relationship over this.” She soothingly rubs her hand across my back.

“I know. I keep seeing images of them together in my mind. It’s horrible and I can’t make it stop. I don’t want to think about what they did,” I sob. “It hurts too much.”

“Harlow,” Raine pauses until she has my full attention. “Do you love him?”

“Yes.” My voice is a shaky whisper. Despite what happened with Brady and Cindy, it doesn’t change my feelings for him. “I love him so much, Raine. That’s why it hurts so bad.”

Raine presses her lips together, studying me. “Well, you guys will need to work things out.”

“I’m not convinced. Cindy said…”

“What did that bitch say now?” Raine cuts me off.

Glancing down I focus on the table. “She said guys like Brady are incapable of being faithful and he won’t settle down. What if,” I struggle to swallow past the lump in my throat, “what if he’s been screwing around with her the entire time we’ve been together? What if Cindy is right and I’m not special to him? Maybe I’m just another notch on his bedpost.”

“Can I say how much I’ve always hated Cindy? She’s so busy being miserable she doesn’t want you to be happy.” Raine shakes her head.

“I don’t know if I can ever see him as more than a player now. What happened was a giant reminder of who he is and why a girl like me should keep my distance. I just don’t know how to get past the reality of him sleeping with Cindy. I can’t see a way around it.”

Raine leans over and hugs me so tight I can barely breathe. “Have some faith and trust you’ll find a way. Listen to your heart and stop overthinking everything.”

I smile for the first time in over twenty-four hours. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Brady, but I know Raine will help me get through it no matter what the outcome is.

“Come on. Let’s eat some junk food and watch some television.”

TEN DAYS LATER

Returning to my dorm, the weekend before classes resume, filled me with mixed emotions. I spent the last ten days staying with Raine at her house. I couldn’t bear to return to Cindy’s and watch her gloat or worse hear more about how wrong Brady is for me. Raine kept me busy and my mind occupied as much as possible.

Now, I’m glad to be back at school. I enjoy learning and working hard makes me feel fulfilled, but being back here reminds me of Brady. Every corner I turn, each door I open, has my breath halting fearful I’ll encounter him on the other side. It’s been eleven days since I’ve seen him - eleven days of multiple text messages and ignored phone calls from Brady. I’m not ready to talk to him and I’m still not gaining any clarity on how I should handle this situation we’ve found ourselves in. I’m taking it as a sign I need more time. What else can I do?

“You’re going to get drunk tonight,” Raine informs me with a mischievous smile as we walk into the dimly lit C’s Pub.

“I am? Why would I want to do that?”

“Because it will take your mind off everything and you deserve some fun.”

My expression is skeptical. I remember my last drunken night. I woke up in Brady’s bed the next morning. Hopefully, this night goes better.

Raine orders six shots of whiskey. She’s not playing around. Shrugging, I grab one from the bar and raise it to my lips.

“Hey, not so fast. Where’s our toast?” Raine asks.

I’m not really in the mood to think of anything, but one glance at her hopeful gaze and I know I can’t let her down. “May we never regret this.” I touch my glass to hers and down the cool liquid.

“Just for the record, getting drunk isn’t any fun unless you regret it. You can do better with your next one. Maybe something a little more upbeat and less depressing.” She nudges my side with her arm.

Smiling, I lift another glass from the bar. Pressing my lips together, I focus on coming up with something more appropriate. “To you and me as long as we are able to lift our glasses from the table.

“Hell yeah,” Raine says, clinking her glass gently against mine. We both tip the shots back. The amber liquor burns my throat, but I like the way it’s making the rest of my body feel. I’m warm all over and relaxed for the first time in almost two weeks. Now, I finally get the draw of numbing the pain with alcohol. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t any plans to make this a habit, but for tonight I’m going to make the most of it.

My head snaps to the side when a large male arm unexpectedly slides around my waist. Nick is standing next to me, beaming down at me. His smile is so welcoming, I spin toward him and throw my arms around him.

“Hey stranger,” he says, his lips close to my ear. “How are you?” He squeezes me as if he knows how horrible I’ve been. I’m tempted to stay right here, my cheek pressed against his thick chest, his arms wrapped tight around me. It’s the closest thing to being in Brady’s arms. I pull away and stand in front of him, letting my arms fall to my sides. I know it’s not fair to use Nick as a substitute. He’s a great guy, but he’s not the one whose arms I’m craving with a need so powerful it’s painful.

“I’m hanging in there. How was your break?” I ask, changing the subject.

“It was okay. I came back here a week ago. My boy needed me.” He peers at me waiting for a reaction, but I’m not going to give him one. “How come you’re not answering his texts and calls?” He hits me with the hard question I was hoping to avoid.

I shake my head. “I don’t know, Nick. I’m not sure how I feel about everything. I’m still trying to work it all out.” Closing my eyes for a moment, I run my fingers over my forehead to soothe the ache already beginning. Whether it’s from the whiskey or thinking about Brady, I’m not sure. “For now, it’s easier to leave it alone. If he can’t understand how big of a deal this is for me, then that’s too bad.” My shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. “I’ll reach out when I know what I want to say. Until then, there doesn’t seem to be much point.” Glancing up at him, I catch him looking over my shoulder. Turning my head to see who’s there, my mouth drops open when my eyes lock with Brady’s. I’m trapped by a plethora of emotions as we stare at each other. His blues convey his sorrow about what happened and his love for me. I can see it all clear as day. The way he’s standing is so uncharacteristically Brady. His shoulders are slumped forward as he stands alone, leaning against the wall.

I’m disappointed in him for sleeping with Cindy and I know that’s not necessarily fair, but knowing firsthand he’s suffering makes me feel somewhat better. I’m glad he’s as affected as I am. No matter how many times I tell myself I don’t need him and we weren’t together long, I know it’s not the truth. Seeing him helps me to realize how much I’ve missed him and how much I do love him. It doesn’t change the outcome though.

I swing around to face Nick. “Great. Just fucking great.” I grab the one remaining shot from the bar and knock it back, noticing Raine already drank hers too. Where is Raine? I realize I’ve lost track of her. I must be more distracted than I realized. She’s not anywhere in sight, but I know she can’t be too far. Her phone is in my back pocket and she wouldn’t leave without it.

“Why don’t you go back to your friend?” I spit out in Nick’s direction as I lean my arms on the bar.

He steps closer, his hand on my back. “Hey, you’re my friend now too. This is hard on both of you.” His hand rubs back and forth between my shoulder blades. “I just want you guys to work this out. Even though I think you’re going to realize you belong with me.” He chuckles, winking at me when our eyes meet.

I snort and flag down the bartender. I’m ready to numb all the hurt seeing Brady has dredged up.

“Harlow.” His deep voice has me squeezing my eyes shut. No. I freeze in place, stiff as a board and pray he doesn’t touch me. My eyes are glassy with tears when I open them.

“Harlow, we need to talk. Please talk to me. I miss you. I love…”

I spin around so fast he stops speaking. “Don’t. Don’t say another word.” My eyes flash anger at him. “I’m not ready to talk to you. I want to be - but I’m not.” I ignore the tear trailing down my cheek. “I know it’s illogical for me to be angry about something you did before you met me, but it’s not something I can push out of my mind.” My arms wave madly. “I can’t snap my fingers and make it go away. I need time and I’m hoping you care enough about me to honor my request.”

His blue eyes beg me for forgiveness as he stares down at me. “Of course I care about you. I love you.”

Holding my hand up, I stop him from saying anything else and walk away in search of Raine. I can’t handle anymore tonight. Her plan to get me drunk is an epic fail and now I just want to go home.

* * *

Our dorm room is dark as I lie here, my thoughts racing around in my head. Seeing Brady tonight was difficult for me. As much as I wanted to dive into his arms and forgive him there’s a part of me holding back. It’s not just that he slept with Cindy. I can’t help but wonder if there’s more to the story than them being together one time. What if he’s been sleeping with her all along? Or maybe someone else. What if he’s incapable of being faithful and he can’t admit it? What guy cheats and admits he has?

“Harlow,” Raine pauses until she has my full attention. “I asked you this question ten days ago and I’m going to ask you again. Do you love him?”

“Yes,” I whisper. “I think no matter what happens, I always will.”

Raine smiles. “Well, there’s your answer.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, confused.

“You love him and he loves you. That’s what it comes down to. I’m sure you guys can work this out. It won’t be simple and it will take some time, but it’s worth it.”

“I wish it were that easy, Raine.”

“Brady is crazy about you. I’m not saying what happened isn’t fucked up, but it did happen before he knew you. All I need to do is watch how he looks at you to know how much he cares. I don’t believe for a moment he’s screwing around on you.”

“I want to believe he loves me as much as he says he does. I need him to be as broken up over our split as I am. At least then I’d know for sure I meant something to him.”

“Aren’t we friends?” Raine asks, drawing me out of my inner pity party.

“You know you’re my best friend. Why are you asking me this?”

“Do you trust my opinion?” she questions.

“Of course.”

“Then what makes you think I’d encourage you to forgive him and work things out unless I believed in what a good guy he is? Do you think I’d deliberately push you into a situation knowing you’d get hurt?” Her voice rings with indignation.

“No, never.”

“Then trust me when I say he cares deeply for you.”

I want to believe what Raine’s saying. I need to believe when Brady said he loved me, he meant it.