Xander knew the moment Mercedes excused herself that she was going to bolt from the restaurant and not look back. No, he hadn’t gone after her. He had wanted to, he just hadn’t done it. But that was because he was hoping against hope that she would decide to come back on her own.
When he realized the inevitable had happened, and Mercedes had been gone for fifteen minutes, Xander kindly asked Sam if she would go check on her. A few minutes after that, Sam had returned to inform him that she wasn’t in the restroom but that she did inquire with the hostess, and the woman personally saw Mercedes leave the restaurant a short while ago.
Not surprising.
Without hesitating, Xander had excused himself with a quick apology to Logan and Samantha, who politely waved him off, encouraging him to go after her. On his way out, he left his credit card number with the waiter and headed for his car. The drive home took half the time it should have, but he was a man on a mission.
Once he made it to Mercedes’s front door, he didn’t even bother knocking. Instead, he used the key he had and waltzed right in.
That was when his heart had lurched right into his throat.
Following the sound coming from the back of the condo, Xander slowly made his way, his heart racing as he closed the distance between himself and the woman he loved.
Just as he thought, she was in her bedroom. With one foot inside the room, he came to a halt when he saw her standing in front of the floor to ceiling windows, silhouetted by the bright lights of the city in the distance.
But she wasn’t admiring the view.
She was crying.
Rooted in place by the sight, he tried desperately to find his voice but couldn’t. He cleared his throat in an attempt to dislodge the giant knot of emotion that had formed upon hearing her soft sobs, and to alert her to his presence.
In a move that was very unlike Mercedes, she turned to face him, not bothering to try and wipe the tears he knew were streaming down her face. Although she was in shadow, he could still see her face. She didn’t smile, and she didn’t offer any excuses as to what she was upset about.
He already knew.
He was the reason for the tears and the thought made his gut churn.
Knowing Mercedes, she had spent the better part of the day trying to come to terms with what had happened last night. But, unlike him, she wasn’t coming to the same conclusion Xander had.
No, Mercedes wasn’t thinking that the reason he’d ended their scene so abruptly had anything to do with the fact that he had fallen in love with her. She wasn’t the glass half full type of woman.
He would take the blame for that. It wasn’t like he’d made a full-fledged effort to try and talk to her about it. Quite the opposite. Instead of telling her how he felt last night when they’d come back to his place, Xander had, for lack of a better term, chickened out.
And to make matters worse, Xander had convinced himself that she had needed some time and distance to sort through what she was feeling. So he’d left her alone.
“Why didn’t you say something?” she whispered.
He could barely make out her words, but he heard enough to process the question, but for the life of him, he wasn’t sure what exactly she was referring to. Surely she wasn’t asking why he hadn’t just come out and told her that he loved her and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Not after what had transpired at Devotion.
She must’ve realized he was at a loss because she continued. “Did you not even think to question what happened between us last night?”
Last night?
Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the sight of her tears, but Xander wasn’t functioning on all cylinders. He knew it wasn’t the alcohol because he hadn’t had enough to even get buzzed, much less enough to jumble his thoughts.
But seeing Mercedes cry… that was enough to tear him up inside. In all the time he’d known her, never once had he seen her cry.
“I didn’t have a reason to question last night,” he told her now, trying to put two and two together, but still coming up short. Sure, there were other nights he had thought to question, like the first time they made love, or every time after that.
“No? You used your safe word, Xander. You backed out of the scene, but you didn’t ask any questions.”
Xander stared at her. “Me? What about you? Did you think to question me? Did you think to ask why I couldn’t go through with it?”
“I did ask you why!” she countered. “You didn’t answer me.”
She was right. He hadn’t answered her. And for very good reason. The last damn thing he had wanted was to profess his love for her in a glass room at a fetish club. He had more class than that. “I didn’t want to say it then,” he admitted, realizing he was being vague.
“Why? Because I failed?” she asked on a sob. “Because I pushed too hard? I don’t blame you, Xander. I know I failed. I tried to manipulate the scene because I was invested, but I was too attached to see clearly.”
“That’s not why I used my safe word. I used it because I didn’t want to go any further. I didn’t want another woman, Mercedes. Don’t you understand that?” Xander moved closer because he couldn’t stand to be so far away from her.
“Stop,” she snapped, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “I don’t need your pity, Xander. I know what you think of me. I know you’re trying to find a way to let me down easy, but I’m here to tell you not to bother. Our five days are over. You win.”
“Win?” Xander couldn’t control his outrage. As his heart rate doubled, fear digging its talons deep into his soul, he swallowed, then bit out, “How the fuck do I win if you walk away?”
“You did what you set out to do. You proved that I’m submissive. I don’t hold a candle to you, Xander. I’m not built the way you are. I gave up too easily. So, yes, you were right.”
“I wasn’t out to prove anything,” Xander growled, ignoring her request for him to stay back. He moved until he was practically up against her. He tipped her chin with his finger, forcing her to look up at him. “I wanted to be close to you. You gave me that. So, if you want to think I won, then yes, maybe so. But only because I had you with me.
“You know me, Mercedes. You know how I think. I didn’t just come up with this out of the fucking blue. I found an opportunity, and I exploited it. That’s what I do. I go after what I want. And I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”
Mercedes honestly looked shocked by his admission. Xander inhaled deeply, lowered his voice and continued, “And after that first night at Devotion, I knew for a fact that what I felt for you was real. There was – no, there is – something between us, Mercedes. I’m not willing to ignore it any longer. That was the reason for this. Not because I wanted to prove something. I don’t give a damn about any of the rest of it. I care about you.” I love you, he thought to himself. He didn’t say the words because he knew she wouldn’t hear him. She didn’t want to hear him right now, he could see it in her eyes.
“But now you know how easy it was to get me to submit to you,” Mercedes responded, confusion riddling her words.
“Easy?” Xander laughed, but there wasn’t an ounce of humor in it. “Honey, there hasn’t been anything easy about you. Not since the day I met you. And definitely not in the last few days.” Xander gave her a small smile. “You’re one of the most hard-headed women I’ve ever met. You’re strong. Confident. Independent. And you fucking make my blood boil.” Cupping her face with his hand, he leaned in closer. “Last night, you made me burn for you. I was willing to do damn near anything to just be near you. But only you. No one else. Don’t you see that?”
Mercedes stared back at him, tears glistening on her long lashes. “I’m weak.”
“The hell you are,” he argued. “And if you keep this up, I’m going to bend you over my knee, Mercedes. This isn’t who you are.”
“It is. I’m a submissive, Xander. This is exactly who I am.”
“Is that what you think? That submitting to someone means you’re weak?” He knew she did, but he wanted to force her to think it through. “Is it? Do you truly believe that being a Domme gives you all the power? Have you learned absolutely nothing in the last few days?”
Mercedes tried to push away from him, obviously pissed at his accusations. He didn’t let her go.
“Being a Dom doesn’t define me. And being a submissive doesn’t define you.”
“Oh, but it does,” she argued, anger burning bright in her eyes.
“It’s about perception, Mercedes. You see what you want to see. Everyone sees what they want to see. When we were at Devotion, and I had you strapped to that bench, do you think I was in control? No, pet, you were.” Xander wiped away a tear that slid down her cheek, lowering his voice. “You’ve been in control since the moment I met you. Since the very first time I laid eyes on you. It didn’t matter whether you were submitting to me or not.”
“I don’t feel in control. I hate this, Xander. I don’t want to roll over and give up. I spent too many years doing just that.”
“I don’t want you to give up either. I want you to fight. Fight for this. Fight for… us.”
“But you want me to submit to you.”
“Yes, I did. I still do. Because I want you. I want to take care of you, Mercedes. I want to give you what you need. I want to bind you to me, to know that I mean as much to you as you mean to me. But I want so much more than your submission.”
“I grew up submitting. He broke me. He broke my mother. All of my choices were taken away. He ruled everything.”
By “he”, Xander knew she was referring to her father. The son of a bitch didn’t deserve to be walking.
“You weren’t submitting, Mercedes. You were reacting. It wasn’t submission; it was self-preservation. He was a bastard for what he did to you and your mother. Don’t ever compare the two. It isn’t the same.”
“What’s the difference?” she asked, her lips trembling.
“Love,” he said easily.
Mercedes tried to step back again, looking as though he’d slapped her when he said the single word that he had a feeling scared her the most.
“I love you, Mercedes,” he told her as he wrapped his arms around her waist, not letting her get away from him. “I have always loved you. I loved you before you submitted, and I love you just as much, if not more, now.”
Her eyes widened, but she stopped trying to get away.
He had absolutely no idea what she was thinking, but at least, for the moment, she was right where he wanted her. In his arms.
~~*~~*~~
Mercedes was pretty sure she was hearing things.
Xander loved her? That’s what she thought she heard him say, but it couldn’t be true. Could it?
Before she had the chance to ask him to repeat what he’d said, Xander kissed her.
It was gentle and sweet, and it made her skin tingle from the inside out. His lips whispered over hers, and her heart felt like it tumbled in her chest. It was a kiss, but it was so much more.
“I love you,” he said again. “And I’m not saying that as a Dom to a submissive. I’m saying that as a man to a woman.”
This time, Mercedes heard him loud and clear. Taking a moment to study him, she peered into his eyes, trying to read between the lines.
But that was the problem. There weren’t any lines. This was Xander. He didn’t play games and he damn sure didn’t say things that he didn’t mean.
“You love me?” she asked incredulously, her voice hoarse from her tears.
“More than anything.”
Xander pressed his lips to hers once again, but not quite as gently. She could taste the bourbon on his tongue, but not only that. There was something else. Passion. Love. Acceptance. That’s what she tasted.
He wanted her.
He loved her.
Mercedes wrapped her arms around him and held him close, the tears breaking free as he continued to kiss her.
Never in her life had she felt like this. Like her entire being was made up of air, and she was going to float away if she didn’t hang on. God, if this were what love felt like, then she knew for a fact that she’d never even come close to loving someone in all of her life. Not like this.
Long minutes passed before Xander pulled back. When he did, Mercedes was scared to let him go. She didn’t want to wake up to find herself alone in her bed – to find out that this had all been a dream.
Xander chuckled as he pulled her arms from around him, taking her hands in his and leading her toward her bed.
“I want to make love to you,” he told her, his eyes mysteriously shiny. “Just you and me. No Doms or submissives. Just the two of us tonight. Understand?”
Mercedes nodded, lacing her fingers with his and allowing him to pull her closer as he sat on the edge of the bed.
This time when he pulled her against him, she gave in. She allowed herself to feel everything he was offering her. Allowed herself to love and be loved at the same time. Something she had always been too scared to do.
Her Domme armor crumbled into dust just from his touch. She knew there was no going back. Not at this point. But Mercedes didn’t want to go back. He’d stripped her emotionally and built her back up all within a breath. With just three words that she had longed to hear, longed to feel.
I love you.
Another rush of tears filled her eyes, but she let them fall.
It didn’t take long before they were naked, their bodies in perfect tune with one another as Xander hovered above her on the bed. He was still kissing her, and she was still hanging on for dear life. In fact, Mercedes wasn’t sure she was ever going to let him go.
Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
“Love me, Mercedes,” Xander whispered against her mouth as he slid inside of her.
Wrapping her legs around his waist, she urged him closer, trying to feel the full length of his body against hers. But Xander was on to her because he shifted positions, lifting her right leg up which changed the angle, and he penetrated her deeper, making her moan.
He stopped kissing her, his eyes locked with hers as he slowly thrust forward, pausing. “You’re my everything, Mercedes,” Xander whispered.
Mercedes couldn’t stop the next wave of tears. But he must’ve realized they weren’t from fear or pain. They were tears of hope and love. Tears she never expected to cry, but for this man, she realized anything was possible.
Mercedes still couldn’t speak, her heart lodged in her throat. The best she could do was breathe and fight to keep her gaze locked with his. She wanted him to see everything she felt, to know exactly what he meant to her. Dom or sub, it didn’t matter. Just like he said.
“Mercedes,” Xander growled softly, his hips moving, his strokes deepening until she felt all of him. “Baby.”
When his eyes closed, Mercedes reached up and cupped his face. “Look at me,” she begged. Although she’d meant it as a command, it came out more as a plea, but Xander opened his eyes. “I love you,” she whispered to him and Xander stilled. Right there, lodged deep inside of her he went stone still.
“Aww, hell,” he growled. “Say it again, Mercedes. Tell me you love me.”
Mercedes thrust her hips upward, trying to drive him deeper. The movement elicited another groan from him, but then he was moving again, never looking away from her face.
“I love you, Xander Boone. I love you so much.”
“I can’t hold back, baby. I need you too much.”
Xander growled, his release clearly taking him by surprise. And her too because as soon as he came, Mercedes saw everything she’d been hoping to see right there in his beautiful eyes.
And that’s when she tipped right over the edge with him.