I’m lying on the floor in the lounge, my legs raised and my feet wrapped around one another. My head is resting lazily in both hands as I browse through the pages of a glossy catalogue packed with baby clothes and accessories. I hardly notice Adrianna wander in and make her way over to the easy chair opposite, until she flounces down onto the cushion and gives out a loud, exaggerated sigh. Licking my finger and turning a page, I glance up and am met by a particularly sour expression. Closing the catalogue, I push myself up to my knees.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong, or do I have to sit here guessing?”
She runs her hand over her eyes and slouches against the chair’s cumbersome arm.
“Asim’s Skyping me in…” She glances down and checks her wristwatch. “In about fifteen minutes.” There’s a slight lift to the corners of her mouth. “It’s just so nice to see Logan’s face and hear his voice.” Her lips pull taut. “Just to know he’s okay. It’s not a lot, Tash, but for now it’s all I’ve got. All I have of my little boy.”
The loud gulps she takes as she swallows and the intermittent sniffs almost hide the cracks in her voice, but can’t hide the tears that spill onto her cheeks. She shakes her head, sending auburn hair over her eyes.
I shuffle across the carpet and grab her in a sisterly bear hug, my black cotton top absorbing her tears.
Five minutes before Asim’s Skype call, I pass her a tissue to wipe her eyes, which she does before rushing to the kitchen to throw cold water on her face; she said she didn’t want Logan seeing her all red and blotchy. I’d set up my laptop on the coffee table, and when she returned from the kitchen looking slightly calmer, I asked if I could stay and keep her company. She said yes, as long as I kept out of sight, as she didn’t want Asim to see me. That was fine by me; I just wanted to hear what he had to say for himself and see what this lowlife was all about.
At two minutes past five, his call came through. I was curled into the beanbag on the opposite side of the coffee table to Adrianna. Logan sounded like he always did, gabbling away. Adrianna sounded upset, angry and happy all rolled into one. She fired question after question at her Turkish ex, but his answers were not forthcoming and he just started shouting.
“Logan’s my son as well; you’ve had him to yourself for the past two years!”
From what I picked up from his Turkish lilt, it seemed his mum was very ill, with only days or weeks to live. Before she died, Asim wanted her to meet her grandson, to make her happy in the little time she had left.
“But you didn’t have to kidnap him, take him away from the resort without my consent,” Adrianna snaps.
Asim snorts. “As if you’d have given your consent.”
Adrianna’s voice is growing into a high-pitched rant as Asim rambles on in what I assume is his Turkish lingo. As for Logan, the poor kid is stuck in the middle of a war of words.
Things eventually calm down, and I overhear Asim say that Logan had been swimming at a beach somewhere in Icmeler.
Adrianna raises her hand, leans closer to the screen and mouths a kiss to Logan.
“Please, Asim, when are you bringing him back home?”
I could cry myself as I hear my sister’s broken voice. A long silence follows.
“Goodbye, Mummy,” are the last words I hear from Logan before the call ends.
While the girls slept for another hour, I made Adrianna a strong coffee and just sat and listened to her. I didn’t want Josh’s help, so it was hard for me knowing that he had put money towards trying to find my nephew. On the flipside, the realisation hit me of how far away Logan really was. So if it was Josh’s or anybody else’s money, it didn’t matter, as long as it brought Logan home. I think Adrianna needs Harper and Iris-Mae in her life right now, almost like a coping mechanism, something positive for her to focus on.
Adrianna chews on her lips while sorting through the babies’ washing, pairing up booties and frilly white socks. She manages a weak smile before disappearing upstairs to check if the girls are still sleeping, although personally I think it’s more of an excuse to have some time alone.
With Logan still playing heavily on my mind, I put my laptop back into its case and sniff the air a couple of times. Burnt toast. Gabriel is leaning against the sink, staring out into the garden while he devours a charcoaled slice of bread. I join him, and see that Larry is running up and down the garden carrying a giant chew bone between his teeth.
“Where did you get that from?” I titter, nudging Gabriel’s side with my elbow.
“A shop.”
“Well, that didn’t take rocket science for me to work out,” I add sarcastically, waiting for him to come back with a joke or to say something funny, but he does neither, and I’m quite surprised when he doesn’t even glance down at me.
“Have you asked her to leave yet?” he asks.
I see his body stiffen.
“If you mean Adrianna, then no, I haven’t. Gabriel, I can’t.”
The ends of his fingers redden as he presses them against the edge of the work surface.
“She needs us, and the girls,” I insist.
His eyes shift from the garden to me and he gives me a harsh stare.
“Oh I bet she does. Have you seen her, I mean really seen the way she is around them? You wouldn’t think they were ours, or should I say yours,” he adds. “Wake up, Natasha. Tell me why she came out of hospital breastfeeding our kids, and why she’s still breastfeeding Harper?”
“Gabriel, I haven’t got a problem with it any more. Okay, I’m not saying it didn’t bother me initially, but that was more because I was worried about how they’d take to the bottle. The only problem I can see is Adrianna having to move in with us, and again, Gabriel, that’s all your problem.”
He turns towards me, shaking his head.
“Are you blind?”
My eyes widen. “Don’t speak to me like that!”
My stomach knots and tears spring to my eyes. I’m not sure if they’re tears because I’m upset or tears of anger, or perhaps a mixture of the two. I’m used to his sarcasm, which is a daily event in this house, but as for his tone, it’s different.
He turns away from me and then, caveman-like, grabs the handle of the fridge door, almost yanking it off its hinges. He opens a can of lager, throws back his head and downs the lot. I frown as he slams his foot on the pedal of the bin, crushes the empty can between his fingers and throws it inside.
He strides towards me.
“Just me with a problem? Do you honestly think Danielle’s happy? If she was, don’t you think she’d be staying here as well, like we’re one big happy family?”
Pulling at his hair with his fingers, Gabriel lowers his head.
“I’m sorry, Natasha.” His voice softens. “I didn’t mean to upset you, that’s the last thing I wanted, but living like this is driving me crazy. It’s too much.”
His eyes focus on mine for a couple of seconds and then he turns his back on me. I grab his shirt and pull him back round to face me.
“What are you saying?”
His cheeks puff out as he exhales.
“I love you,” he says, reaching forward, and using his index finger pushes a small lock of hair behind my ear. “I love you more than you’ll ever know. But the way I feel right now, I don’t think I can do this.”
“Do what?” I blurt out.
He shrugs. “The way things are at the moment, I’m not sure I can spend the next eighteen years bringing up two children who’ll never be my own.”
“You don’t mean that.” I stare at him until he looks away.
For the next few days it was like living with a stranger. I think we both felt the same, skirting around each other and at times managing complete avoidance. It took her several hours, but Adrianna finally got me to tell her what was wrong. With her and Gabriel having their differences, it didn’t take much for her to side with me.
It took another couple of days for everything to fall into place. I had Harper sucking from a bottle, and now both girls were no longer breastfeeding, I moved her Moses basket into our bedroom next to Iris-Mae’s.
Gabriel and I ended up sleeping in the same bed again, since there was no other choice, but he always made sure there was a pillow pushed between us to prevent us accidently snuggling up together during the night. But by morning the pillow was gone, and somehow I’d manage to make my way into his arms.
It was nice having both babies next to the bed, but it wasn’t easy, as when one baby woke up, her crying would wake the other. Half asleep, I was back and forth to the milk machine, feeding, winding, changing and then settling them again. It was a constant three-hourly cycle, and some nights I could barely open my eyes. As for Gabriel, he never even flinched or asked if I needed a hand. I knew he wasn’t sleeping, because no one could possibly sleep through the babies’ cries. When they both woke up and needed feeding at the same time, I’d take one of them across the landing into Adrianna’s room; she never complained and seemed more than happy to help.
Gabriel didn’t say so, but I’m sure he hoped that now they were no longer breastfeeding, Adrianna would pack her things and go, but there was no mention of her moving out.
It’s a struggle this morning, and I’m dragging my feet over the kitchen tiles. I couldn’t have had more than a couple of hours sleep last night. I’m standing by the bin, scraping the burnt bits of bread out of the toaster, when Adrianna comes down for her breakfast. I know I’m not looking my best this morning, with dark rings under my eyes and a throaty open-mouthed yawn I let out into my mug of hot tea. Adrianna waltzes towards me and takes my hand.
She smiles. “Go and sit down. I’ll cook breakfast.”
I try to protest, but she won’t take no for an answer, and gripping tightly onto my fingers she leads me into the dining room. Gabriel is sitting to the far right of the dining table chewing on a cereal bar, a pint glass of water resting on a place mat directly in front of him.
“Scrambled eggs, wasn’t it?” Adrianna says, nudging me.
I don’t get time to answer before she backs away through the door, leaving Gabriel and me alone. Neither of us speaks, so I shuffle to the opposite end of the table, pull out a chair and sit down. I keep my focus on the half-empty mug I’m holding. I love this guy, but if anyone could see us now I’m sure they would call me a liar. I think over the past few months and all that we’ve been through as a couple, and my heart squeezes in my chest as I picture our daughters sleeping upstairs; my own little family. My eyes well up; we aren’t pulling together and are like a broken jigsaw. As I glance up from under my lashes into a straight face and set jawline, I can’t help wondering if these pieces will ever reconnect.
“Toast for two,” Adrianna says, plonking down the silver toast rack in her usual heavy-handed manner.
“The eggs are coming!” she shouts as she hurries back into the kitchen; I catch a scented breeze that wafts up from her long black cardigan.
“So…” I say to break the silence.
“So?” Gabriel repeats, raising his eyebrows.
I’m trying to think of something to say when the door bursts open again.
“Danielle’s just text me,” Adrianna says, bustling towards me, her phone under her chin, a bowl of scrambled egg in one hand and a tub of butter in the other; she almost drops all three in her hurry to tell me her news.
“She’s getting pains, and backache!” she tells me. “Hang on,” she babbles, “I’ve got another text.”
I watch as she scrolls through her phone.
“She says I’m not to worry, it’s just niggles, she’s not in full-blown labour. If she needs me, she’ll ring.”
Adrianna pulls out a chair and drags it closer to me. As she sits down, I lean forward and scoop a large knob of butter out of the tub.
“Oh, I forgot to mention,” I pipe up, “I’m going to apply to the courts to get our parental order underway. I’ll feel much happier with all the legalities sorted, all the bullshit dealt with.”
“That’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard you say in days,” Gabriel mutters.
There’s a half-smile on his face, his expression has lost its bland glaze and he now seems mildly interested. Adrianna pushes her empty plate aside.
“Tash, slow down, there’s no rush. Get the twins settled first; you’ve got six months to apply.”
“Why wait? I think getting things moving is a great idea,” Gabriel interjects.
Hearing him agreeing with me, I warm inside. As I tuck into a large portion of egg on toast, I glance across the table at Adrianna. Apart from a quick nibble on a crust, she doesn’t eat a thing.
Around twenty minutes and a caramel latte later, which, quite surprisingly, Gabriel made for me, Adrianna’s phone rings. She goes from being subdued to almost jumping out of her chair. I sit with my elbows on the table and listen to her. Gathering it’s Danielle, I mouth, ‘Is everything okay?’ and she gives me the thumbs-up.
She places her hand over the mouthpiece.
“Tash, I’ve got to go home.”
Their conversation ends and she closes the leather case around her phone.
“Things are happening! I’m just going to run upstairs and grab a few things.”
She flounces towards the door and then turns back.
“Oh, and Gabriel, I don’t really like asking, but could you possibly drop me back home?”
“It would be my pleasure,” he replies; only I seem to hear the sarcasm in his reply.
Adrianna’s footsteps are like thunder as she hurries upstairs to gather her belongings. I glance at the baby monitor on the sideboard. I roll my eyes and push my chair away from the table.
“Great, she’s gone and woken them both.”
Gabriel manages to make it to the door before I do. We’re standing so close, yet there’s such a distance between us.
“I’ll drop Adrianna off and then pop round to my Aunt June’s for an hour. And when I get back, I don’t want disturbing; I’ve got some paintings I need to finish.”
I’d love to reach up and throw my arms around his neck, and hug all this bad feeling between us away, even if it means I’m the one to give in. I’m on the tips of my toes, edging forwards, but my hands never make it, as his words break into my thoughts.
“We need to talk, Natasha, tonight.”
His fingers pull at the pockets of my jeans and he gives me a half-smile.
“See you later.”