I’ve been sitting here alone for hours. I’m shocked and in a daze. Knowing the way Gabriel feels, I can’t keep my eyes from stinging. I honestly thought we were getting somewhere, getting back on track. How can things seem so perfect one minute, yet so flawed the next?
I drop one feeding bottle and then another as I attempt to wash them out ready for the steriliser, and fold some babygros and dresses ready for when Darcy brings the girls back. Glancing at the wall clock, I don’t think it’ll be long. Gabriel doesn’t come into the kitchen, though it’s not surprising really, as I think he’s said enough this morning. As he passes the open doorway, he calls to me that he’s going to take a shower. Not knowing what to do with myself, I wander back into the conservatory.
We cleaned most of the paint off the windows and floor last night before it had time to dry, and between the two of us we managed to completely fill a bin liner with soggy paper tissues. The large black bag is now sitting propped against the kitchen bin waiting to be thrown out with the rest of the household rubbish.
I flit from one window to the next, using my long nails to flick off streaky lines of blue and green paint that somehow we managed to leave behind.
With the girls coming home shortly I was going to run upstairs and turn the heating on, though on second thoughts I decide not to venture up, as if Gabriel and I were to come face-to-face, I’d have no idea what to say. As for our relationship, I’m at a complete loss as to where that’s going.
It’s been over an hour and he’s still in the shower when the doorbell rings. I open the front door to Darcy, her petite frame hardly visible with both girls held in her arms. I must admit it’s nice to have them back. I ask her to come in, but she seems flustered and in a hurry to get off. She tells me that James, her ex, won’t leave her alone and won’t stop ringing her, so the first thing she’s going to do is pop into town and get her number changed. She asks about Gabriel and last night, and as I remember I can’t help smiling. I think the frown that follows confuses her and sends out mixed messages, but I don’t get chance to elaborate, as I hear a noise behind me and turn back into the hall, where Gabriel’s stepping off the bottom stair. I thank her for having the girls, kiss her on the cheek and tell her I’ll be in touch, reminding her that she’ll need to send me her new number. I can almost see her mind working as she gets back in her car.
I stand in the porch and wave Darcy off as best I can while juggling two babies and shuffling a changing bag between my feet. When I eventually close the front door, Gabriel’s sitting on the third stair from the bottom, both feet in his trainers, tying one of the long white laces.
“How about you give me a hand?” I stutter, leaning back as Harper begins to slide down my chest.
Leaving a half-tied bow dragging on the carpet, Gabriel gets to his feet and takes her from me. I walk down the hall and he follows me into the lounge, then hovers behind me while I fasten Iris-Mae into her bouncy chair. Still on my knees, I take a quick glance towards him. I just don’t get him. Yesterday when he held the twins he looked so relaxed, so happy, but now he looks uneasy and tense. He’s not cuddling her into his chest, but is holding her at arm’s length, and his movements as he walks towards her chair are almost robotic. I catch the way he looks at her and can almost see apprehension in his eyes. I think he’s seen me staring, so he’s trying to make more of an effort, but even with a smile on his face, he still manages to look so unnatural.
It seems that as soon as he has an opportunity to escape, he takes it and is back on the stairs, tying his laces and calling out for Larry. I stop and listen to the way he calls Larry’s name. I might be mistaken, but it’s like he has more of a bond with our dog than he does with me or our girls. I have a thought, and wonder if it might work.
“Wait,” I shout into the hall, “I’m coming with you.”
Straight-faced, he walks back into the lounge, Larry’s lead already clipped onto his collar.
“There’s a little something I’d like to do,” I pipe up, bending down to stroke Larry. “Will you do me a favour and put the buggy up? If I’m not back when you’ve finished, you can always slip the girls’ coats on. Oh, and their hats.”
I point towards the middle of the room and the changing bag that Darcy brought back with her. He opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t give him the chance as I walk past him and out of the lounge.
I make my way back to the kitchen. Opening the cutlery drawer, I search behind the knives and forks. I know it’s a daft place to keep a small rusty key for a garden shed, but it was where Gabriel’s dad always kept it, so it just seemed wrong to put it anywhere else. I can’t imagine it’ll take Gabriel long to assemble the pushchair and dress both of the girls, so I slip on my walking boots, hurry through the conservatory and out into the garden.
The slabbed path leading down to the shed is hardly visible due to the fallen autumn leaves. I crunch my way down to the small wooden building and insert the key into its padlock. Once inside, I find myself squinting. It’s dingy and damp, and many of the wooden panels, especially at ground level, have rotted. Not surprising really, with all the ivy creeping up the side. I gaze past the old petrol mower, flowerpots and other odds and ends, and have to step over most of these to get to Gabriel’s pedal bike leaning against the far wall. I crouch down in front of the back wheel and turn the pedal slightly so that I can get my fingers to the chain, which fortunately is loose and not difficult for me to get off. There’s a bag of ripped sheeting hanging up next to the bike, so I wipe the traces of oil off my hands.
On my way back through the kitchen, I grab a plastic bag from under the sink and slip the chain inside.
The twins are strapped into their buggy, and I’m pleased to see that Gabriel managed to get their coats and hats on. Whatever time of day it is, Larry’s always up for a walk. He’s sat himself next to Gabriel’s feet by the front door, his small tail beating against the mat. Lifting the buggy, Gabriel helps me outside. I even get a smile from him as we manoeuvre our way through the doorway. Our walk to the park is quiet and awkward. Apart from the odd car passing, the only other sound I can hear is the constant drone of the buggy’s wheels as they turn against the pavement.
Once we’re through the park gates, Gabriel walks on ahead, every so often stopping to pick up broken sticks and throwing them for Larry to chase. He’s so distant, it’s hard to believe this is the same man that held me in his arms and made love to me last night. I don’t say anything and purposely lag behind. My eyes drift away from Gabriel and Larry and wander into a small gated play area. There aren’t many people about, but then the skies are overcast and it’s not a particularly nice day. I spot a man, probably a few years older than Gabriel, sitting on a swing, his shoes placed on the tarmac. He is very slowly manoeuvring himself backwards and forwards, with a young blonde-haired boy seated on his lap. I can’t help noticing the way the man’s holding him and I find myself smiling, seeing them laugh together, seeing the warm expression on the man’s face. I look back along the path winding in front of me and Gabriel, taking in large gulps of the chilly autumnal air. Not once has he turned back to see where we are.
I glance down into the buggy at the girls, running my teeth over my lips. I know he loves us, I’m sure he does, I just don’t get what’s going on in his head at the moment. Both Harper and Iris-Mae have fallen asleep, probably due to the motion of the buggy. I watch the odd couple as they pass by and hear their light-hearted banter, their arms swinging as they walk along hand in hand. I can almost feel my heart sinking beneath my chest. I guess most days this is something I wouldn’t notice, but the way we are, it just seems to make other people’s happiness so much more obvious. When I see the attention Gabriel’s giving to Larry, I’m almost jealous. I shake my head; how can I be jealous of my own little dog?
The buggy seems heavy as we veer left, as the path that we take has a slight incline, leading us past a couple of climbing frames and tree stumps, I think ten in all, transformed into different sized stepping stones. Hearing heavy breathing, I look down to Larry, who’s slowed down considerably. Gabriel’s only a few steps in front now, and I think with his exuberance for throwing all those sticks, he’s managed to wear Larry’s legs out. It’s not often his tail points south or his tongue hangs from the side of his mouth.
When we reach the next bench, I glance down at the plastic bag poking out from underneath the buggy. Larry can catch his breath, and maybe it’ll give us a chance to talk.
“Gabriel!” I call.
He stops walking and half turns. I point towards the wooden bench.
“I think Larry could do with a sit down, don’t you?”
He nods and manages a brief smile. I face the buggy away from the cool oncoming breeze and sit down, then pat Larry, who manages to lift his head before collapsing half-hidden under the bench. Gabriel drapes the end of his lead between the wooden slats and sits at my side.
“Natasha,” he says in little more than a whisper, “I think I owe you an apology.”
He rests his arm over the back of the bench, leaving the tips of his fingers to rest on my shoulder. A couple of minutes’ silence pass and I’m not really sure what to say, so sit and wait to see if his apology transpires.
“I’m sorry,” he blurts out.
I turn slightly as he tilts his head, looking into my eyes.
“I know I’ve been a mess,” he begins.
I frown. “I know things haven’t been great between us, but with Adrianna back home with Danielle, and us…” Feeling unsure, I swallow back my smile. “You know, the way we were, I really thought we were going to be okay.”
He leans his head back and stares up at the mass of grey clouds.
“I don’t want us to split up, really I don’t. You’re everything I ever wanted.”
I screw up my face. “Gabriel, I’m right here. We’ve got no reason to split up.”
I walk my fingers from my lap onto Gabriel’s and link them between his.
“Natasha, it’s not you. My head, it’s been a mess. I’ve spent far too much time convincing myself that one way or another I’m going to lose you, you and the girls, when what I should have been doing was looking at what I had and enjoying you all. My only hope is that you give me a second chance to show you the man I can be, the father I can be to our girls, because believe me, that’s what I want.”
I feel my head lift and his hand slip behind.
“Gabriel…”
He glances up at me.
“There’s something I need to tell you. I popped round to see my Aunt June earlier and have some good news.”
“Gabriel, tell me later, because if I don’t do this now, I never will.”
He sits in silence and frowns.
I take a deep breath. “If I were to give you something, you know, a present, and I asked you to open it and then throw it away, would you do that?” I nod my head towards a metal bin standing on the far side of the path.
Without any kind of expression, he just stares at me.
“Guess so.”
I lean over and, making sure not to wake the girls, take the plastic bag from the tray beneath the buggy. As I place it on Gabriel’s lap, he looks down at the bag, not sure what to do. I raise my eyes, and he slips his hand inside. His eyebrows draw together so that they are almost sitting on the bridge of his nose.
“My bicycle chain,” he mutters, holding it up in the air.
“Okay, now do as I’ve asked, go and put it in the bin, throw it away.”
“Have you ever thought I might need this?”
I smile. “Well, since living at your house, I’ve never once seen you ride your bike, or even wheel it out of the shed.”
I slip out of his arms as he edges away from me and gets to his feet. Those old jeans of his are a good two inches too short, and I have to bite my lip to stop myself laughing. At some point I will have to take him shopping. He positions himself next to the bin, then turns back and grins at me. Then, holding the chain above his head, he lets go and metal clangs against metal. Then there’s silence, apart from the beat of my heart, which is pounding like a drum in my head as he walks back towards me. I look at him and see him as he was the first time we met, when I was lost and almost tied up in that jungle he called a garden. Gabriel was standing in the doorway of his conservatory, the professional, and I was the client who turned up at his house to be painted. Sitting here, I cringe as I remember the hours of awkwardness and insults that followed. There was no way I’d ever have thought we’d end up friends, let alone lovers, not in my wildest dreams.
As he slips back onto the bench, I get down on my knees.
“Natasha, what the hell are you doing?” He grabs my arm, trying to pull me back up.
I smile up into his eyes. “No chains, Gabriel, remember?”
I take both of his hands and clasp them between mine.
“I haven’t got a ring, but what I do have is a promise, to you and our girls, that we…” I squeeze his hand just a little bit tighter. “That we as a family, we’re forever. Gabriel, believe me, I never wanted to get married, but I think that’s because until now I’d never met the right person, I’d never met you.”
“Is this what you call a proposal?”
Heating up inside, I smile and then blush. “Maybe.”
“Well, if it is, it sucks.” He smirks.
We don’t do conventional, so I never went out and bought a ring. Gabriel always said to me that in his eyes, weddings were no more than chains, so I brought the chain with me, gave it to him and got him to throw it away. I feel kind of deflated, like he’s stamped on my heart. I just thought proposing in this way would mean that he’d understand me.
“I know what you’re trying to do, and I know why,” Gabriel said, his voice softening and losing the sarcasm. “But married or not, Adrianna is still going to hang over us like a dark shadow.”
“No, it doesn’t have to be that way. What say we go to the estate agents tomorrow, and if you like, we’ll rent the house out and move away for as long it takes?”
“I wouldn’t expect you to do that, move away from your family.”
I remember what Angela said about putting her family first; well, maybe it’s about time I did the same.
“It’s not like we’ll be strangers; we can come back and visit any time we want and they can always come to us. There’s always Manchester, the job offer and the flat; it’s there waiting for us if we want it.”
“I was thinking along the lines of London. I think it’s about time I try to make amends with my mum.” He tilts his head. “About the proposal…”
I place my fingers over his lips. “I don’t need your answer now.” I smile up into those blue eyes of his. “But if you do agree to marry me, you won’t need to worry about belonging, because the two of us, we’ll belong to each other.”
He moves my fingers from his lips, slips his hands beneath me and lifts me onto his lap. I open my mouth to speak.
“You can’t help yourself, can you? You always ruin things by talking,” he says, his face inching closer to mine. “What say you shut the fuck up, Mrs. Owens, and kiss me?”