CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Brock
The night before
Once I shut off the computer, I felt like I’d just been kicked in the gut.
I tried to make sense of what just happened. My heart cringed at the thought that perhaps she was not as into me as I was of her. Maybe she was having second thoughts about this whole relationship. Maybe it was only about sex. She just wanted to get her first time out of the way. Had I missed the signs? Was I really that dense? It had been so long since I’d actually cared about anyone, I didn’t know what to think. Confusion didn’t begin to explain all the emotions going through my head. If she never wanted to see me again could I accept that? My stomach did a flip and pain settled in my chest. I hadn’t felt this out of control since my parents died. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling. This is what I got for feeling! Fuck, what was wrong with me?
I couldn’t go back to sleep. I knew when I did, the dreams would come back and I wasn’t up for that right tonight. I couldn’t tell Amy about the nightmares either.
Lately, I’d barely slept at all. The dreams intensified, leaving me in cold sweats by morning. I saw my father’s face filled with maggots and worms, felt the frigid sea upon my skin, heard my mother crying. It had taken a year and a half of therapy to make me dream-free. None of it made sense. I’d finally started to sleep through the night or day, depending on my shift. It had been years since I had the dreams. Now I was slipping back to all that craziness.
I made my way down to the kitchen later than usual. I’d missed breakfast and Williams was at the sink, his hands submerged in soap suds. “Pikeman…,” he chided, glancing up. He blinked hard. “Damn, you look like shit. Wanna talk about it?”
“Not particularly,” I said. “I’m surprised you even give me the time of day after what happened.”
He threw down the towel he’d been drying dishes with and sat at the table, motioning me to do the same. “I think we should get it all out in the open.” I looked around for eager ears but saw no one.
“They’re on a call,” Williams supplied.
“But why wasn’t I…”
“It’s your day off. Remember?”
“Oh yeah.” Lately, all the days of my week ran into one.
Williams gave me a determined look. He leaned back in his chair.
“Don’t say it,” I warned.
“Say what?”
“Say it wasn’t my fault. That anyone could have mixed up the tanks and that I shouldn’t blame myself.”
“I wasn’t gonna say that. Let’s face it. You fucked up. We all do from time to time. It was your fault, but I’m fine. No one was hurt. Listen, when are you going to stop beating yourself up about things you can’t control? You can’t save us all so don’t even try.”
I shrugged because that was why I became a firefighter. I did want to save them all, and the ones I couldn’t…well, I tried not to think about them. I usually failed.
“You’re not superman,” Williams said with a grin. “If you were, I’d have to hide those tights in a closet to keep the women from grabbing your hairy ass. By the way, heard you were seeing someone new. Is that right?”
I grunted but Williams didn’t miss a beat. He never did. He leaned forward, elbows bent, hands clasped beneath his chin. “Anyone I know?”
“Don’t think she’s in your league if you know what I mean.”
“I don’t follow.”
“Local girl but she’s a bit…younger so I doubt you’d run into her anywhere.”
“Hmm.”
“What do you mean, hmm?”
“I remember the last time you robbed the cradle. Ended up being a bit of fatal attraction if I recall.”
“Oh, you mean Coco. That was eight years ago and she was only five years younger anyway.”
“Uh huh. How old is this one?”
“Twenty two.”
Williams let out a low whistle. He leaned back in his chair again, shaking his head. My hands clenched into fists. I’d be damned if Williams, or any other man on this fucking planet was going to tell me who I should date. “How long we been friends?” he asked.
“Longer than I care to admit.”
It was true, Williams and I went way back. We’d been friends since grade school when I beat the shit out of him in fifth grade. After that was out of my system, we’d become friends. I trusted him. He was the only one who knew about my money. He was just as rich as I was, so we kept each other’s secret. Neither one of us liked relying on our legacies of wealth to get ahead. We especially didn’t let on to the women we dated.
“She know who you are?”
“She knows I’m the chief around here.”
“You know what I mean.”
“You mean the company? No. We didn’t get that far into each other’s past.”
Actually, we’d gotten very far, but I neglected that little tidbit. Of course after seeing the travel cottage, she had to know I had a few more bucks than most people, but I doubted she knew the whole truth. I didn’t like to talk about it. People got weird when they knew. They either hung on like leeches or stayed far, far away, as if they believed themselves to be less worthy of my company. As a result, I had fewer friends. Williams was different though. We were Cain and Abel. He kicked my ass when I needed it, and I told him when he was being an asshole.
“Do you love her?”
“I don’t…it’s none of your business, Williams.”
“Huh. I thought so. Well, well, well.” A sly grin spread across his face.
“Shut up, Williams.”
He threw his hands up. “Hey, your secret is safe with me. Just be careful what you’re getting into is all I’m saying.”
Love? I’d felt a strong connection with Amy the first time I’d set eyes on her. But love at first sight? That wasn’t me. Who knows if that shit even existed.
“Okay, okay. Just think about this for a minute. Let’s just say you aren’t in love right now but you do fall for her at some point, and she falls for you right back. You get married and pop out a bunch of brats, how old do you think you’ll be then, my friend? I mean, when the last one graduates from college? Sixty? Seventy maybe? Brock, old man…” He shook his head. “What the hell are you gonna do with a twenty two year old? And that’s if the kids are even…healthy. You know what they say about guys our age?”
“What the hell are you talking about? I’m fit as a fiddle.”
“Right, but what about your swimmers, old man. Some of ‘em probably lost their itty bitty tails by now.”
“Eh, screw you, Williams. Besides who said anything about kids?”
“Just trying to make you think, man.”
“Yeah, well think for yourself.” I jumped from my chair, slamming my palm down so hard on the table, it shook, starling him. Then, I got right in his face and gnashed my teeth. “It’s none of your fucking business, Williams.”
“No, it isn’t. But if I don’t remind you what happens every time you get your dick wet with some pretty young thing who will? I’m just looking out for you. That’s all.”
“Well, I don’t need you to look out for me. Besides, Amy is not Coco! And who are you to talk anyway? You’ve have…what…four kids now? And by two different women, both of them half you age.”
He held up his hands, palms out. “Guilty as charged but hey, I got no problems. They get their support payments, I see my kids whenever I want. No drama. No prenuptial agreements. Everyone is all hunky dory.”
I gave him a skeptical look.“And when it isn’t?”
“I throw more money at them. You and I got plenty where that comes from, right?”
“Kind of cold way to live. Don’t you think?”
Williams chuckled. “For you, maybe. You’re not a love em and leave em kind of guy. Do the right thing, Brock. Cut this one loose before you get caught up.”
“And if I don’t.”
“Hell, you can always adopt her.” He rose from his chair, and then patted me on the back. “See ya at dinner, old man.” And he left the room leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth and an ache in my chest.
***
My cell buzzed for about the tenth time, but I didn’t pick it up. Staring at the screen, my heart squeezed in my chest when I saw Amy’s name, and my dick did a little happy dance.
Damn, why had I even mentioned her to Williams? If anyone had a habit of making me face past digressions, failures, and just plain stupid decisions I’d made in my life, it was Williams. Problem was, he knew what was already on my mind, knew the dilemma I’d been kicking around in my head. It was his voice that spoke about what I had already been thinking, but refused to acknowledge. Fuck! Life with Amy would be wonderful, but then what? What if I couldn’t give her healthy children? What if my sperm had defects? What if I had a heart attack? What if…? You can’t save them all. No, I couldn’t save them all but I could save her. From me!
I slid a finger along the black leather folder of my Star of Texas Achievement award on a shelf and wiped the dust on my pant leg. Then I touched my predecessors’ cap. Five years since Chief Hutchinson had passed his legacy to me. Five years. And so many lives he’d saved, I couldn’t even count them all. What the hell was I thinking, trying to live up to that?
The older man’s words echoed in his brain. ‘We’re not saviors,’ he’d said. ‘And most people don’t know what they want anyway until it’s too late. We can only save those few that are placed in our own paths by God’s will. We can only do our best in the heat of the moment. We can’t save them all, son, even the ones we reach in time. We can’t stop them from making stupid decisions.’ He was talking about people smoking in bed, or the parent who let their toddler fall out of a four-story window. He was right. People did stupid things.
Making one of the hardest decision of my life, I picked up the phone and dialed Amy’s number. I almost changed my mind. My cock stirred, when I heard her cheerful voice.
“Brock! Thank god. I thought you were hurt in a fire or something. I’ve been calling you all day. It is your day off, you said you weren’t on shift…or…did I misunderstand or something?”
“No. I mean, yes. It’s my day off, baby.” Fuck! I couldn’t even refrain from using those names she hated. I didn’t think of her as young, not really. I simply couldn’t help giving her that silly pet name.
She laughed. “It’s okay. I’m getting used to the little girl references. Kinda sexy, actually.”
“Uh huh.”
“And to tell you the truth, I’ve been wet…all…damn…day. Like really fucking drenched.” Her voice was low, a sweet seductive whisper as it slid inside my ear, caressing every single part of me from head to throbbing aching cock.
“I can’t wait to see you,” she said. “ I almost jumped the cat. Wait a minute. I don’t have a cat.” She burst into laughter at her own joke and I couldn’t help a smile. “Sorry. I think I’m ovulating.”
Ovulating!
Suddenly I felt like the biggest asshole in the world. Either that or the biggest idiot. This hot sexy as hell woman wanted me. Me and all that grey peach fuzz on top of my head.
“Brock..?”
“Yeah.”
“Your voice sounds weird. What’s wrong?”
“Uh, nothing, baby.”
“There’s something you aren’t tell me.”
“I…”
“Listen, I know you’re really busy with the whole saving the world thing so if you want to change our date I can…”
“I can’t,” I said simply.
“What? You can’t change the date or… What the hell is wrong? I can tell by your voice.”
“I …we…I don’t want to hurt you, Amy Lynn.”
“Hurt me? Why would I get hurt?” I could hear the tears forming in her eyes, felt the panic in her voice. She wasn’t a stupid woman. In fact, she was probably the only one I’d ever dated who was on the same page as me intellectually. I wanted to explain, tell her I was panicked too.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“I… We can’t do this, baby. I’m…older. So much older. You should be with someone your own age.”
She didn’t say anything for a long time but I couldn’t hang up. Not yet. Then the phone went dead but a few minutes later she called me back.
***
“I don’t want a man my age,” she screamed into the phone. “They’re shallow and dull and most of them couldn’t find their ass with a goddammed compass! I want someone smart. Intelligent. Someone who knows how to treat me. Someone who…”
A long silence crept through the phone and I held my breath, not wanting to hang up and never hear that beautiful voice ever again ,but not wanting to hear her cry either. Fuck! This was torture.
“I know you don’t want to do this to me. Do this to…us. But I won’t play mind games with you, Brock.
I inhaled a breath. Was that what I was doing, playing games with her? Then why did it hurt so much?
“Brock… Brock, are you there?”
“I’m here. Amy, I’m almost twice your age. Don’t you see that as a problem if we have…I mean….when the time comes…”
“Are you talking about kids?”
“Yeah.”
“Brock, I don’t even know if I want kids. I mean I like them and all but…”
“Amy, every woman wants kids. Maybe not now, but you’re still young. Believe me, you’ll want them some day and I…”
“You don’t like children?”
“Of course I do. It’s not that.”
“Then what? For god’s sake, Brock what the fuck…!”
“Sweetheart, you read. You know the fertility problems are more prevalent with older parents, especially older men.”
“I don’t care about any of that. If…If I even decided I wanted kids you’re the only man I can think of I’d want as their father.”
“You flatter me baby girl.”
“For fucks sake! I’m not trying to fucking flatter you, you moron!”
“Sorry.”
“I’m sorry too. I don’t fucking believe this.”
“It’s okay. Listen, I don’t want you to resent me some day if I couldn’t…I mean we couldn’t. Hell, I’d be tickled pink to have one with you but…baby it’s just not in the cards.”
“You’re playing the age card again.”
“I guess I am.”
“This is ridiculous! Who the fuck said anything about kids? Don’t you think that should be my fucking decision? I told you before, I know what I want, Brock. And all I want right now is you.”
“But…”
“I want you, Brock Fitzgerald. You!”
“And I want you too.”
“You knew how old I was when we…. So why is it suddenly a problem now?” I thought I heard her sniffing up tears, which stabbed me in the heart.
“Brock, don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry, Amy. I can’t be selfish. I… I’m sorry.”
“Fine,” she shouted. “I hope you and your fucking cabin in the woods are very happy living there all alone for the rest of your life.” And then she hung up the phone.