How many tears had I cried?

I didn’t know what day it was, let alone what hour. Had it only been this morning that I’d sank into my bed, mummified myself in blankets, and tried to drown out the voices in my head? My whole body ached, and my brain was an echo chamber for the words my dad had tossed at me; careless bombs obliterating what I’d thought of myself.

It was any wonder the wound in my heart hadn’t caused me to bleed out on my sheets.

No one. She’s no one.

Depression dragged me under, and I slept throughout the day. Compounding matters was my emotional turmoil over Regi. His scent clung to the cotton, and I mindlessly hugged the pillow to my chest.

I’d known I wasn’t capable of love. I wasn’t worthy of Regi, or anyone for that matter. My dad had seen that when I was nine years old, and he re-affirmed it today.

He’d chosen his new family over Licia and I. Twenty-four years later, he probably wished he’d masturbated or made mom swallow, instead of knocking her up.

The hurt in Regi’s voice when I’d sent him away poked me as if a monster roosted in my soul. I’d proved how fucked up I was. Maybe now Regi would see there was no saving me.

Pride, and Prejudice, and Zombies played in the background. I’d seen the movie a few times, and the shambling groans of the zombies created a buzz of white noise. Usually, it soothed my brain, putting it into silent mode so I could get some rest. But even my usual ritual wasn’t helping sew closed the hole in my soul.

God, what had I done?

Did I really break up with Regi?

The sobs which ripped from my throat took me by surprise. I rarely cried, and never over a guy. But the sudden realization that I’d tossed Regi away leaped onto me; rabid claws and all. I smothered my face in his pillow, and let the current of my misery carry me away. I was sucked under and into a whirlpool of sorrow. I’d created this reality, and now I had to swim in it or drown.

I must have dozed off because I woke up in a dream. Regi was with me, his large hand smoothing back my tear-matted hair.

“Oh angel, what happened.” Regi’s voice was thick as if he wanted to cry with me too.

I gave my dream-Regi a watery smile. “I wish you were really here, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything.”

My eyes stung as my tear ducts reloaded, and I buried my face in the pillow again. Knowing Regi would disappear because I’d sent him away, I couldn’t face the world right now.

Except, he didn’t disappear. His arms were real and solid around me, pulling me from my nest of pillows and blankets, and into his arms. Clarity clicked around me as his scent, and heat, rode through the misery I burrowed myself into.

I gaped up at him, my tears drying in the wake of my shock. “How are you here.”

The apartment door had been locked. He’d banged and growled and demanded to be let in, but I’d stone-walled him. Yet, he was in my bedroom. Very real, and still loving me.

My shriveled heart swelled to near bursting inside my chest. He was here. Regi was here.

“Do you really think a locked door and you telling me to go away would work?” His broad brows skittered towards his hairline. Though his eyes were dark and shadowed with worry, a touch of wry humor sculpted his mouth.

I blinked at him. “Yes, I…yes.”

It had worked last year. I’d told him to go away and he’d gone. We hadn’t talked for a year.

“That isn’t going to work anymore.” His fingertips drifted up my face, barely touching me as if he were afraid of my reaction.

I leaned into his hand, and he curved his palm against my cheek.

“I love you, Mia. You promised me six months, and dammit, I want every single one of them. I learned my lesson the last time you threw me out of your life. It fucking hurt, not just me, but you too. Even if you tried to bury it. Would I be worthy of your forgiveness and this second chance if I let you waffle on your promise?” His arms tightened around me. It was almost hard to breathe he held me so tightly, but it was worth it.

“How did you get in?”

His upper lip quirked. “Don’t be mad, but I harassed Jo until she gave me her spare key. That’s what took me so long. She’s a good friend to you, and wouldn’t give them up without a fight.”

A faint grin fluttered over my mouth. Jo could be fierce when she needed to be. I could just imagine her standing up to Regi and telling him to pound sand. “How did you know I needed you?”

Had I ever really let someone in before? When my emotions grew too jagged I ran away. I closed myself off until the damage to my walls was repaired. But Regi hadn’t let that happen. He’d taken a damn catapult and threw himself over the spikes, barb-wire, and booby traps I’d laid, taking the risk that I needed him.

He was a damn white knight. I didn’t care what he thought of himself.

“You didn’t sound like yourself. You were so happy this morning, and then you were just…vacant this afternoon.” His thumb wiped away the salty residue of my tears. “What happened?”

Tears climbed my throat again, and I tucked my face into Regi’s shoulder. I could barely get the words free.

“I saw my father.” But there was more than my father. “I have another sister. She’s…not much younger than Licia. I could have more siblings that I don’t even know about.”

Regi stroked his hand up and down my spine in soothing circles. “I know seeing your father, and finding that out would hurt, but there’s more to it. What happened? Did he say something?”

My healing heart cracked. Could I tell Regi what he said? Could I let him see behind this mask I wore, that I wasn’t really a person? I wasn’t worthy of him.

I was nothing.

I held onto him tighter, and clung to him because I knew once he saw me like my father did, he’d leave. He would realize I wasn’t worth his attention. He was only here now because he worried about me.

“Mia,” he whispered into my hair. “Let it out.”

“He looked me in the eyes when she…she asked me who I was, and he said I was no one. I’m nothing Regi. I’m a nobody. Not worth anyone's love. His. Yours. Jo’s. Once you see it you’ll leave too.” I blurted out my confession and waited for it to all fall apart.

“That sonuvabitch.” Regi breathed fire his voice was so hot with anger.

His reaction was not at all what I expected. I dared to lift my head. His amber-burnished skin was mottled with crimson. His eyes brimmed with anger. But not at me, at my father.

The vault I’d locked my heart inside sprung open as if Regi were a goddamn safe cracker.

“I love you,” I whispered. I’d suspected, while in the throes of passion, I’d said as much when we’d been at Xstasy. But I wanted him to hear it, and see the truth of it in my eyes. “I think I always have.”

Regi’s thumb stroked the dip below my lip. “I always hoped you did, and would finally see it. I hate that it took your fuck-face of a father for you to break down the rest of your walls and see what you truly feel, but I’m thankful too.”

“I thought, if I shared with you what he saw in me, you’d see it too. Like, pointing a spotlight on all my flaws. You didn’t see them before, and then suddenly you would.” I held my breath after my confession. Regi made it clear to me that he wasn’t going anywhere, but it would take me awhile to really believe it. I was an old dog who needed to learn new tricks.

“I won’t say that was stupid because you truly believed that.” He kissed me on the nose. “But that was silly, Mia. I know you. I’m not wearing rose-tinted glasses and in love with an illusion. I might call you angel, but you can be just as much of a demon at the same time. Love isn’t easy, it’s not some fairytale where everything will go perfectly all the time. But, it’s worth it.”

“Did your parents teach you that?” I had always envied his seemingly perfect family life, and how effortless they’d made it seem. But it sounded as if I was the one who’d been enamored with a fantasy, and Regi had his feet planted solidly on the ground.

“Yes.” He kissed me lightly. “It takes work and dedication to make a relationship last through the trials of life. That’s one thing they taught me and my brother. Don’t give up. Hold onto what matters to you. I thought I was giving you what you wanted when I should have held you close.”

“When we were younger it wouldn’t have worked. But last year? Yeah, maybe it would have.”

His mouth twitched into a wry agreement at my words. “Hindsight and all that, angel. We’re here now, together, and that’s all that matters.”

I melted into Regi and held him tight. For the first time, I truly felt the love he offered me and could offer it in return.

“Will you stay and watch movies with me,” I whispered against his chest. I’d lost the whole day, maybe more. Did he still have to work? Did he ditch it for me?

He nuzzled his face into my curls. “Yes, I’m here for the whole weekend. Whatever you want to do, let’s do it. I’m here for you, always.”

I looked up into his face and saw the future. I exhaled a shuddering breath, and let my past slip into mist.

Somehow, Regi had done it. He’d saved me.

And I loved him for it with every breath I took and beat of my heart.