“OPEN THE DOOR! I’m not playing with you, Ryan! Open it now!” Aaron’s voice rumbled on the other side of the bathroom door, as he slammed his fist against the wood. I tried to cover both of Gracie’s ears, while still holding her against my chest. I pulled both of us closer into the corner, my skin pressing against the cold tile floor.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay,” I whispered to her as I held her closer to me. She was surprisingly calm in this situation, as my own body trembled with fear. She sucked her thumb, and I had concluded that this was her little coping mechanism. Just the thought of her needing one was like a punch in the stomach. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She didn’t deserve this.
“Don’t ignore me! I’ll break this damn door down if you don’t open it. Don’t test me!” His threats didn’t go unheard, but I couldn’t force myself to open the door, opening myself up for his wrath. And I couldn’t take the chance of him hurting Gracie.
“Aaron, please stop,” I begged, my teeth chattering. My throat was so dry, it felt as if it were about to close up.
“Just open the door, please.” His tone did a complete turnaround, but I knew better. I’d fallen for his tricks before, and I wouldn’t allow it. Not this time.
“Please. Just go away.” I looked down and saw Gracie’s big blue eyes staring up at me, her thumb still planted firmly in her mouth.
“I’m sorry.” I kissed her forehead, but I knew my apologies weren’t enough.
My plans had to be cut short. I didn’t have any more time. What I had would have to be enough.
The thunderous boom of the bathroom door being kicked open caused my body to jump, in turn drawing a whimper from my daughter’s lips. I looked up and saw the familiar rage that filled his eyes. My gut instinct kicked in; I swiftly lifted Gracie in my arms and tucked her behind my body that was cornered in the bathroom floor. Her cries filled the room and my stomach began to churn. I had to keep her safe. I had to protect my baby from this man. Her father.
“You listen to me,” he growled through gritted teeth as his hands drew closer to me, “I pay every bill in this house, this house is mine.” Saliva pooled around his lips as he grabbed a fistful of my hair, stinging pain radiating down my neck as I was lifted to my feet. My eyes immediately closed tightly from the pain, but I forced them open to keep an eye on Gracie perched in the corner, her eyes wide, staring at her parents above her.
“You don’t lock me out of any part of my house, you got that?” I followed behind him, my feet dragging the ground as his hands were still wrapped around my long dark locks.
“Please, stop,” I begged, trying to turn my neck enough to get a look at Gracie, but unable to do so. I could feel clumps of hair being ripped from my scalp with every step we took.
“Let me show you something,” his voice hissed in my ear, spit landing on my cheek as he led me down the hallway into the kitchen.
“What is this?” He pressed my face against the cold steel sink and my eyes spotted a single glass sitting next to the drain.
“I don’t work all damn day to come home to a filthy house. What do you do all day?” His accusations bit the air while my face remained planted against the sink.
I knew I kept this house almost spotless. Which wasn’t easy, especially once Gracie started to crawl. I was constantly picking everything up, worried that Aaron would come home from work early, or pop in unexpectedly, something he did frequently.
“It’s one glass,” I mumbled, but immediately I knew I made a mistake when he threw me against the wall. My back ached from the impact and my head throbbed from the hair that was ripped away from my scalp.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered; the words I used more than any other when I spoke to my husband.
“You’re always sorry, Ryan. When will you learn?” He stalked closer to me until he was at the perfect distance for his next move. His fist connected with my cheek, causing a loud ringing in my ear. I pressed my hand against my throbbing cheek and tears began to stream down my face. Not from the physical pain—I had grown more than used to that—but the emotional pain; it hit me every single time.
“Here we go. Here come the waterworks.” His hateful words caused the tears to fall even faster.
“You think I like punishing you?” Aaron drew his face closer to mine, the stench of beer wafting from his breath.
“You make me do it, you know that, right?” His brows crinkled, and his lips were pulled tight as he waited for my response.
“I know,” I lied.
In the background I heard Gracie’s cries start up once more, and I knew I had to pull it together. I needed to get to her, comfort her, protect her.
“It won’t happen again. I’m sorry.” I knew I had to say whatever was necessary to get to my daughter. She needed me.
“It better not.” He took a step back and looked over his shoulder as Gracie’s voice grew louder.
My greatest fear washed over me once again. I had to protect her.
“It won’t.” I drew his attention back to me, wiping the tears from my face and standing a little taller, knowing that my weakness gave him strength.
“We’ll see,” he mumbled, as he took a sharp left and went toward the front door. I watched as he grabbed his keys from the holder and started to open the front door. But just before he stepped through the door, he swiped his hand down and grabbed my keys before making his exit.
It was typical. He wanted to be sure I couldn’t leave. He knew I was stuck. And that was the way he liked it. The way he needed it.
Stuck.
As soon as I heard him lock the door behind him, I jumped to my feet and ran to my daughter who was crawling around the bathroom floor, trading her thumb for a pacifier.
“Gracie, baby. Mama’s here,” I whispered, as I pulled her from the floor and into my arms. I tried to hold her close to me, but she pulled back and studied my face, rubbing her chubby fingers over my sore cheek.
“Mama’s okay. Mama’s okay,” I lied.
I wasn’t okay. We weren’t okay. And neither was this life.
Plans had to change.
I didn’t have a choice.