Being only a child the last time I’d stood on stage, I’d forgotten how difficult it was to see the faces in the dark audience through the blaze of stage lights. It was impossible on a stage like the one at the Tollcross Theatre, and the realization startled me a little when I first stepped out during dress rehearsal.
I was prepared for it on opening night.
However, I wasn’t prepared for the colossal waves of nervousness in my gut or the way I’d needed Aidan more than I’d anticipated. Unfortunately, he was working on a studio album after he’d finalized the score for our show. We didn’t have an orchestra, just a sound guy who cued the digital music on a computer and sound system.
Since there was a piece of his creativity in the show, and the fact that it was my first performance, Aidan had promised to be there, but he couldn’t get away from the studio long enough to escort me to the play. He’d said he’d be in the audience.
I was disappointed but I understood. For the first few weeks of our reconciliation, he’d put so much of his work on hold to be with me. It wasn’t fair to pout now that he was getting back to the work he loved.
In the end, I pulled it together and forced myself onto that stage, with Jack murmuring jokes in my ear to calm me.
Before I knew it, the play was almost over, our words having disappeared into the dark of the audience even though it had been two and a half hours including a ten-minute intermission. The layers of cotton and leather I wore, resembling a mash-up of Mad Max meets steampunk, meant I was sweating under the stage lights. And I longed for Aidan to be there after my first real performance. But all these thoughts were tucked in the recesses of my mind so that Viola’s thoughts and feelings and actions could move me across the stage.
I was Viola kissing Duke Orsino, not Nora kissing Jack.
I was Viola taking Orsino’s hand as he asked to see me in my own clothes and not Cesario’s. I was Viola as I clung to his side and told him that my friend the Captain had my clothing but that he was in prison because of Malvolio.
And that was it.
That was my last line.
I almost couldn’t believe it.
Still, I continued to act, reacting to the words of my fellow players until finally Orsino said his last line and we, except for Clown, left the stage. Clown’s monologue drifted offstage as we quietly waited for him to bring the play to a close.
“‘But that’s all one, our play is done, and we’ll strive to please you every day.’”
Silence.
Then the uproarious applause that brought a huge grin to my face. I turned to find Quentin standing with us now, grinning back at me. He looked to us all. “Bravo, my miscreants. Bravo.”
I laughed, remembering the sound of the audience’s laughter throughout the performance. Of the little noises of surprise they made, their claps and cheers as the comedy progressed.
They liked us.
Jack grabbed my hand and led me back on stage where the flood of applause hit me like a wave crashing over my head. I was stunned until Jack bowed, and still holding my hand took me with him.
We’d rehearsed this part too.
Jane and Hamish stepped forward and bowed.
Then Jack and I to a thunder of clapping.
And so on as the other actors took their applause.
Quentin’s turn came. After he’d bowed, he stepped back, and we all bowed once more together as the curtain came down on us.
Excitement and chatter buzzed around me as my cast members congregated momentarily on stage. I wanted to cheer with them. I did.
However, more than anything, I wanted to celebrate this moment with my friends and family. Hugging my fellow players as briefly as possible, I managed to get off the stage without being rude and made my way to my dressing room where I’d told my loved ones to meet me afterward.
I was in the room but a moment, having wiped off as much stage makeup as possible much to the relief of my skin, when there was a knock. The door opened to reveal Seonaid’s head. “Can we come in?”
“Of course!”
“Ahhh!” she screamed, barging in and throwing herself into my arms. She danced and jiggled me around, laughing. Then she shoved me away playfully. “You didn’t tell me you were bloody awesome!”
I thought my face might break from grinning so hard. “Did you think so?” My eyes flew to Roddy and Angie … and my mother.
“Mom,” I whispered, tears in my eyes.
It still made me emotional that she flew all the way over to see me perform in an amateur production.
She strode forward and hugged me. “I’m so proud of you. You were amazing.” She pulled back and cupped my face in her hands. Concern pinched her features. “How on earth did you handle all this with your school exams too?”
It was such a motherly thing to say, I wanted to burst into tears. Who was this woman? Seriously! I laughed, hugging her again. “I can handle it,” I promised.
And I had.
It wasn’t only Aidan who’d been busy lately, what with my first-year exams only a few weeks ago. It hadn’t been easy to juggle studying, the play, and getting closer to the man I loved, but it all made me so endlessly happy …
Angie drew me into her arms as soon as my mom stepped back. “Ye were wonderful. I’m so proud of ye.”
My arms tightened around her. “Thank you, Angie.”
When she let me go, Roddy approached wearing that little smirk of his. “Aye, ye werenae bad.”
“Werenae bad?” I raised an eyebrow. “Faint praise indeed.”
“Well,” he hooked an arm around my neck and drew me into him with a grin, “wouldnae want ye gettin’ a big heid an flyin’ off tae Hollywood, no’ wid we?”
Giggling at his ridiculousness, I shook my head. “You thought I was good.”
“You were brilliant.” Seonaid shook her head in amazement, looking teary all of a sudden. “You really were.”
Feeling overwhelmed and emotional, I waved her off. “Stop, or I’ll cry.”
She shared a laugh with Angie, while my mom smiled and Roddy rolled his eyes.
And I realized we were all alone. I stiffened, feeling disappointment grow in my belly. “Where’s Aidan?”
A rap on the door sounded, and that horrible feeling fled as his head appeared around it. “He’s here, Pixie.” He smiled fondly, but he didn’t come into the room. “But, eh …,” his eyes flew to Seonaid, “would you mind giving us privacy?”
Something about the way he said it made Seonaid’s eyes widen, like he’d communicated something silently to her. Bemused, I watched as Aidan ducked back into the hallway and Seonaid ushered my mother, her own, and her boyfriend out of the room.
As she was leaving, she threw me a mischievous grin I did not understand at all.
Then the door opened again, and Aidan appeared. “You were magnificent, Pixie,” he said.
“You really think so?” I started walking toward him, needing to hold him.
But he stopped, and I realized he had something or someone tucked behind him. “And I’m not the only one who thought so.”
The someone stepped out from behind Aidan, and I felt my breath fly away.
She looked at me with cautious, hopeful eyes, her light blond hair longer than it used to be, braided in a fishtail down her left shoulder.
“Sylvie?” I whispered, disbelieving she was here.
Four weeks into our new relationship, Aidan had asked me to sit in his weekly Skype call with Sylvie. It had been strange and awkward at first because of the time that had passed, but over the weeks it felt like all three of us had never left each other.
As far as I’d been made aware, however, she wouldn’t be visiting Aidan until late June.
“I wanted to see you in the play,” Sylvie said.
And then like she’d done so easily before, she rushed forward and threw her arms around me. I immediately wrapped my arms around her, feeling a piece of me that I’d been missing slot back into place. With tears of gratitude, I looked up at Aidan, and he took us in with such love in his expression, I thought I would burst.
Finally, with the realization that Sylvie’s affection for me had never waned, I felt the last of the guilt I’d carried over the years of my young life detach from my soul and float far away. Without even meaning to, I’d blamed myself for not being able to stop Cal from taking her that day.
Now I knew better.
It was easy, when you loved people, to find ways to blame yourself when you couldn’t protect them from the hurts of the world. That was an impossible task, and we only ended up hurting ourselves by believing that it wasn’t.
The only thing that was in our power was to love through the hard times, to hold onto that love, and not allow blame and guilt to blister it.
I had all the love I needed in that theater building, and I swore to myself as Aidan approached us and wrapped his big arms around Sylvie and me that I would protect our love with my body and soul. More importantly, I’d forgive myself on the days when the rain came out of nowhere and soaked us to our skin. We’d have those days.
Everyone had those days.
But with Aidan, I could find the laughter in those days, as well hidden as it may be, and I could strip off my dress and seduce the sadness out of him. Our passion wouldn’t ever be a solution, but it would be a constant reminder that the hard days were worth getting through to keep safe what we shared.
It was a well-known fact that the Scottish used humor and lightness to get through difficult times. To play on, to laugh on, and to dream on, even on the days they felt abandoned by hope. I understood that now. I got it. I respected it.
This place … well, it fit me.
Indiana and my mother would always have a piece of me.
But this place … these people … this man …
They fit beautifully.