Since I was twelve years old, I’ve hated the antiseptic smell of hospitals.
It woke up the angry knots in my stomach.
Regardless, every month, without fail, I jumped on a bus and went through a ninety-minute journey to Indianapolis to the children’s hospital there. I’d been doing this for the past five years, not counting the year before when my mom let me visit more often.
It wasn’t often my mom gave me a break from life but the year I was twelve, she did.
Now I think she thinks I’m a lunatic. We’ve argued about my monthly visit, but I won’t back down on this one. She’s finally stopped trying to get me to.
“Hey, Nora.” Anne-Marie approached as I strode down the corridor toward the common room on the hospital’s third floor. “You get prettier every day, sweetheart.” She wrapped her arm around me and gave me a squeeze.
I smiled fondly up at the nurse I’d known since I was a kid. “So do you.”
She rolled her eyes at me but didn’t let go. “What did you bring with you today?”
I held up the book in my hand: The Witches by Roald Dahl. “Not too scary, right?”
“No,” she assured me.
Relieved, I grinned. The only thing that made me forget about those hard knots in my stomach was the knowledge that for a couple of hours, I was going to make the kids in that common room forget the tubes sticking into them, the respirators and oxygen tanks, and their total lack of energy.
I tried to choose books and plays that weren’t too adult for the younger kids but were funny enough I could make them entertaining even to the older ones.
Anne-Marie opened the door to the common room. “Hey, guys, look who’s here!”
I stepped into the room and was met by smiles, waves, and a collection of “Hey, Nora,” some exuberant, some tired but welcoming. Kids of all ages and illnesses stared up at me. Some in wheelchairs, some resting in chairs, some playing a computer game, others board games, some bald, some wan with dark circles under their eyes and a sickly tinge to their young skin, and some I was happy to see looking healthier than they had the last time I saw them.
“You ready to be scared?” I asked, grinning at them as Anne-Marie threw me a wink and left us to it.
What I loved about these kids was that unlike most their age, they stopped playing with their phones, or their iPads, or the computer console in the corner, and gave me their full attention. All because I wasn’t there to ask them how sick they were feeling today, or if they felt better, or if they were tired of being tired. I was just there to take them somewhere else for a while.
We settled in, and I stood in front of them, preparing to act out this entire book if we had time. I’d read the book a few times before coming to the hospital and decided how each character would sound. Some small. Some big. I transformed in front of the kids from reserved, exhausted Nora O’Brien into a character actor. I didn’t know if I was good. Or awful. All I knew was that these kids loved it. And it was freeing.
“The most important thing you should know about REAL WITCHES is this,” I said in a faux English accent that made them smile and lean closer. “Listen very carefully …”
Glancing at the clock, I realized our time was up, but I was almost finished. Finally, I acted out the last sentence and closed the book.
Silence reigned and then Jayla, a pretty eight-year-old girl with leukemia, started clapping. The others joined in, although Mikey, a fourteen-year-old with kidney disease, rolled his eyes. “It’s supposed to be scary.”
“It was scary,” Jayla insisted, scowling at him.
“Yeah, to babies like you.” Mikey curled his lip at me. “You’re too hot to be the witch.”
“The witch was beautiful,” Annie, a thirteen-year-old from Greer, a town a few miles from Donovan, argued.
“Yeah, until she was revealed to be a hag. It wasn’t real when she did that scene.” He gestured at me.
“Don’t call me hot, Mikey. It’s weird.”
He grinned at me. “Stop being hot, then.”
“She can’t stop being hot, silly,” Jayla huffed and rolled her eyes at me as if to say, “Boys.”
I laughed and crossed the room to kiss her forehead. “I’m glad you enjoyed it, sweetie.”
She beamed up at me and then shot Mikey a smug look, making me laugh harder.
Mikey ignored her, giving me what I think was supposed to be a smoldering look. “How come Jayla gets a kiss goodbye and I don’t?”
“Don’t be creepy, Mikey.” I headed toward the door.
“What? So, being on the transplant list doesn’t even get me a sympathy make-out?”
I snorted. “Not from me.”
“That blows.” He thought about it a minute and turned to look at Annie, seated next to him. “What about you?”
She made a face. “I’m no one’s second choice, Michael Fuller.”
As entertaining as they were, as much as I’d love to spend every day with them, I couldn’t. “I have to catch my bus, guys. Thanks for hanging out with me.”
“We’ll see you next month?” Jayla asked, hope shining in her big blue eyes.
“Unless you’re out of here and back home, which I hope you will be, yes, I’ll be back next month.”
Those hard knots suddenly came back into focus as soon as I said my goodbyes and closed the common room door behind me.
“Is Anne-Marie around?” I asked, passing the nurses’ station.
A nurse I didn’t recognize shook her head.
“Will you tell her Nora said goodbye and I’ll see her next month, same time?”
“Of course.”
Like magic, as soon as I stepped outside and breathed in hot, thick city air strong enough to obliterate the hospital smell, the knots in my stomach disappeared.
I caught the bus back to Donovan and spent ninety glorious minutes reading. It was heaven, despite the fact that the air conditioning above my head appeared to be broken and sweat trickled down my back and pooled in my bra.
The familiar gloom I usually felt upon my return to Donovan wasn’t there, and I knew it was because my life wasn’t the same as it had been last month. The script for my life had been sitting on a dusty, worn-out coffee table only for Jim McAlister to come blasting into the room, throwing the papers into disarray. The script was all messed up now.
And I think that’s what I liked most about him.
Thinking about him as I got off the bus, and the last week of trying to sneak off and find time with him, I thought I almost imagined the sound of his voice saying my name.
When I turned around, he actually was standing outside May’s Coffeehouse with a to-go cup in his hand. I glanced toward the small parking lot and saw Roddy sitting on the hood of the Mustang.
Jim and I walked toward each other, and he looked perturbed.
Guilt suffused me, making me blush.
“I thought ye were working,” he said, nodding toward the bus I got off.
I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t intended to tell Jim about my volunteer work at the hospital because it felt … well, it felt too personal. Like I’d have to explain why.
And I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready to talk about that.
However, I could see by the irritation growing in his eyes that I either explained partly or I’d damage our friendship. “I was. Well … not working but volunteering. At a kids’ hospital in Indianapolis.”
“Why didn’t ye just tell me that?”
I kicked at a stone by my foot, hiding my eyes, and thus the truth, from him. “It sounds … so Girl Scout,” I grumbled.
Jim laughed and gently chucked my chin, so I had no choice but to look up at him. “It’s adorable. Ye’er fuckin’ adorable.”
“Stop calling me adorable.” I grabbed his hand but didn’t let it go. “What are you and Roddy up to?”
“Well, I’m about to dump his arse so I can spend time with ye.”
I giggled. “You are such a good friend.”
“I’m the worst. But right now, I could give a fuck because I’ve been here a week and I still haven’t kissed ye … and I need to do something about that.”
The breath whooshed right out of me. “Oh.”
Jim gave me a slow, mischievous smile. “I’ll take that as a ‘Yes, Jim, let’s dump Roddy.’”
I shrugged, pretending nonchalance. “Why not?”
Laughing, Jim threw his arm around my shoulders and started walking us toward Roddy and the Mustang. “Roddy, I’m dropping ye off at the motel, mate.”
Roddy made a face of disgust and flopped back on the hood of the car. “For fuck’s sake.”
“If that kid doesn’t stop throwing you dirty looks, I’m going to stick this ice cream in her face,” Molly huffed as she came up beside me to pour diet soda into her customer’s cup.
I sighed. The kid Molly was referring to was Stacey. She was in here with her crew almost every time I was working a shift. “Don’t.”
“What’s her problem, anyway?”
“It’s Stacey Dewitte,” I said, so quietly it surprised me Molly even heard me.
“Shit. That’s Melanie’s little sister? I didn’t even recognize her.” Molly glanced over her shoulder, presumably at Stacey. “Why does she hate you? I thought you and Melanie were tight?”
“She doesn’t hate me. She’s just … disappointed, I guess.”
“In what? You don’t have to put up with that shit.” Molly put the lid on the cup. “You don’t—ooh, your boyfriend’s here.”
I followed her gaze. Jim and Roddy were walking into the restaurant. Smiling at them, I finished packing the to-go bag for my customer and took it over to her at the cash register.
“Have a nice day,” I said.
She moved away, and suddenly Jim was at my counter. He gave me a grim look that put me on alert. For two weeks, he and Roddy had stuck around Donovan, often going for short road trips when I was working or busy, but making their way back to town.
For me.
Whenever Roddy was with Jim, he complained constantly about still being here, but Jim was determined to spend time with me, and I continued to enjoy his company—a break from the monotony of my life.
“What’s up?” I asked.
But before Jim could answer, my attention was stolen by Stacey walking toward the exit with her friends. Her expression was sullen, but I saw the sadness in the back of her eyes too.
And I felt ashamed for disappointing her.
“Who is that?” Jim pulled my focus back.
“That is Stacey Dewitte,” Molly interrupted, putting her hand on her hip. She noted Roddy staring at her impressive chest and scowled at him. “Think again, Scottie.”
He crossed his arms and smirked at her. “Sweetheart, if I wanted ye, yer knickers wid be aroond yer ankles like that.” He snapped his fingers.
Molly made a face and turned to Jim. “What did he say?”
“Ye don’t want to know.” Jim fought not to smile. “Ye were saying … that kid?”
I opened my mouth to deflect, but Molly apparently was a fount of information today. “Melanie Dewitte’s little sister. Melanie was Nora’s best friend growing up.” She squeezed my arm. “She died of cancer when they were twelve.”
I wanted to throw her comforting hand off me and yell at her really freaking loudly. If I’d wanted Jim to know about Mel, I would’ve told him myself.
“Fuck.” He reached for my hand. “I’m sorry, Nora.”
My smile trembled. “Thanks. It was a long time ago.”
“Stacey’s acting like a brat, though, Nora. You don’t need to put up with that.”
“She’s not doing anything.” I shot Molly a shut-up look; she rolled her eyes and wandered back to her register.
“So, what brings you handsome and not-so-handsome fellas in today?” Molly changed the subject. “The fair Nora, obviously.”
“Obviously.” Jim stared at me, and I caught that bleakness in his dark gaze again.
“What’s going on? Is your family okay?”
“My family is fine … but …” He glanced over at Roddy.
His best friend sighed. “Nora, if we stay here, we’ll never be able to finish oor road trip. We’ll run oot eh’ cash afore then. We need to leave.”
My pulse suddenly started racing as my eyes flew to Jim. “What? Now?”
“In the morning. First thing. When do ye finish here?” It occurred to me while Jim seemed sad, I was panicked. “I’d like to spend some time with ye before we go.”
Before we go.
Shit. It was ending.
Once Jim and Roddy left, everything would return to normal, and I’d feel trapped, unwanted, and depressed all over again. Somehow this guy had become my lifeline.
“I’m supposed to get home after my shift …” My mom would kill me if I didn’t turn up and she had to call in sick to work. Yet I couldn’t find it in me to care. As selfish as it was, I wanted to soak up what time I had left with the boy who had crashed into my life and allowed me to breathe again for the first time in a long time. “But it’s fine. We can hang out. I finish at five.”
Jim exhaled and nodded. He studied me solemnly, and I noted he looked a little pale and tired beneath his tan. “We’ll be back in a few hours.”
Molly waited until the boys were gone. “That fucking sucks.”
I nodded, pretending to busy myself tidying up the condiments tray by my register. I felt her move closer to me.
“Have you guys …?”
Looking at her, I almost laughed at the expression on her face. Her eyebrows were at her hairline. “You know …”
“What?”
She made an “o” with her left thumb and forefinger and then stuck her right forefinger in and out of it.
“Ugh, Molly.” I grabbed her hands and shoved them down so the customers wouldn’t see.
“Well?” she asked through her laughter.
The truth was no, Jim and I hadn’t had sex. We had kissed a few times, and he’d fondled my boobs, but that was it. And he’d said upfront he wasn’t going to push for sex because he wanted me to know I meant more to him than that.
Part of me was relieved because I wasn’t sure I was ready to lose my virginity to Jim, or to anyone, for that matter. Another part of me was scared. Jim confused the hell out of me because I wanted him near, I liked the fact that he felt like an escape from a life I was unhappy with, and I loved that he made me feel like I was someone special. But I was also wary of giving another person that much power over my emotions.
Once upon a time, I thought the sun rose and set with my father.
Look where that had gotten me.
“No,” I finally answered Molly.
“You should do it tonight,” she advised. “If he’s leaving. I’d love to be able to tell my grandkids I lost my virginity to a cute Scottish guy passing through town. In fact, I still might. A lie is better than Kenny Stringer behind the bleachers.”
“You’re going to tell your grandkids how you lost your virginity?”
“Sure, if they ask.”
“And Kenny Stringer? Behind the bleachers? Really?”
Molly wrinkled her nose. “We were fourteen.” She shuddered. “I’m surprised I even gave sex a shot again after that.”
Wait a minute … something niggled at my memory. “You told me you lost your virginity to Cory’s cousin Caden in the eleventh grade.”
“Well, I didn’t want to admit the truth. To be fair, though, Caden was the first boy who was actually any good at it.”
I shook my head. “I’m not you, Molly. I can’t just sleep with someone.”
“But it’s his last night here. I bet he’s expecting it.”
Butterflies raged war in my belly at the thought. Surely not? Jim had said he didn’t want to push for that … then again, he’d said that without thinking about the fact that he was leaving. We both knew his departure was coming but we’d ignored the reality of it.
Now that reality had come home to roost, maybe Molly was right. Maybe Jim would want to have goodbye sex.
I worried my lip with my teeth.
“Nora.”
The butterflies were making me feel sick.
“Nora.”
My knees started to quake a little.
“Nora!” Molly snapped her fingers in front of my face. “God, you’re white as a sheet. Shit. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, okay?”
I nodded, dazed. “Molly, I’m not ready …”
“Then don’t.” She squeezed my shoulder. “You don’t owe this guy anything.”
Just as I finished my shift, I saw the Mustang pull into the parking lot. Although Molly’s reassurance had helped some, my anxiety hadn’t fully dissipated. I was worried about disappointing Jim. As much as I was fighting it, he’d come to mean a lot to me.
“You’re done.” Molls grinned at me. “Have fun!”
I gave her a shaky smile and hurried into the back to grab my purse. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a change of clothing so I was going to have to hang out with the guys in my uniform. There was no way in hell I was going home to change because my mom would insist on me staying to watch Dad.
Just once … just this once, I wanted to be reckless and irresponsible and totally selfish.
Jim and Roddy were grabbing burgers to go as I came out from the back.
“We got ye something to eat,” Jim said, nodding to the to-go bags.
I wasn’t a huge fan of having to eat the food I’d been serving all day, but it was sweet of them. I smiled my thanks.
Jim, Roddy, and I had just walked out of the restaurant when the sight of a tall blond getting out of his GMC truck made me falter.
“Shit,” I muttered.
Cory Trent.
Jim’s hand rested on my lower back. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, let’s go.” Unfortunately, we had to walk by Cory and his cousin Caden.
Even before Cory’s dad bought my dad’s company, he’d been a giant asshole to me. His assholery had only worsened when he asked me out our senior year and I shot him down. That had not gone over well with Cory, who thought he was God’s gift to women everywhere.
Word was he was spending the summer before college in Palm Springs where Caden’s mom had moved after his parents’ divorce.
Apparently, not all summer.
“Well, well, well,” Cory called out as he strode toward us.
He wore board shorts, flip-flops, and a green polo shirt, and swaggered like he was the big man in town. Give a boy a little money and popularity and he turns into a dipshit.
Or at least this one had.
In saying that, he’d pretty much been a dipshit since preschool.
“Cory,” I sighed.
Jim must have sensed something in my body language or maybe it was the lascivious and angry way Cory was dragging his eyes over my body. Whatever it was, I felt the boys on either side of me go on alert, and Jim stepped a little in front of me.
Cory’s eyes flicked to him and then back to me. He sneered. “How the mighty have fallen, huh, Nora?”
“What’s yer problem?” Jim asked, a warning in his voice.
Raising an eyebrow, Cory looked at Jim before turning to snort at his cousin. “Who’s the fucking foreigner?”
“Guys, let’s go.” I tugged on Jim’s sleeve and took a step forward when Cory was suddenly in my face.
“What’s the rush, O’Brien? Don’t you think it’s time you admit you made a mistake?” His eyes dropped to my breasts, and I wanted to cover them … or kick him in the balls. Actually, I wanted to do both.
Not that there was any need because suddenly Jim was there. He planted a hand on Cory’s shoulder and shoved him. Hard. “Back off.”
Cory shrugged his polo shirt back into place and scowled at us. “Nice to see you get what you deserve, Nora. You always thought you were better than everyone else. It seems now you know that’s not true, you’re finally opening those bird legs of yours.”
“Ye might want to shut up, mate,” Jim warned.
“Oh, I wouldn’t get all worked up about this one,” Cory said. “She may act like she’s something special but she’s not.” Caden stood there grinning like a dumb sidekick. “Ain’t that right, Nora? You know I only asked you out because I felt sorry for you, right? It would have been a pity fuck. Pussy is still pussy, after all.”
Something instinctual inside of me must’ve known how Jim would react, and if it hadn’t been for my fast reflexes, Jim would’ve been on Cory before I’d even blinked. As it was, I moved as Jim sprung forward and used all my strength to wrap my arms around him to pull him away.
“Forget him. He’s not worth it.” I gently nudged Jim toward the car, throwing Roddy a “help me” look.
Roddy skirted around me and put a hand on his friend’s back to push him while I shot Cory a filthy look over my shoulder. I was used to his abuse, but it was humiliating to hear him say that stuff in front of my new friends.
“Use her, fuck her, and run, man, that’s my advice,” Cory said. “That bitch will only leak loser all over you.”
Jim swung back around but he was too late.
Roddy had already dropped our food on the lot, took three strides back to Cory, and punched him so hard, Cory’s knees buckled. There was silence as Cory lay flat out on the lot, rolling his head from side to side, dazed, as blood trickled out of his nose.
Caden put his hands up as Roddy glared at him. “Hey, man, I didn’t say shit.”
Without saying a word, Roddy strolled back to us, glowering. He grabbed the bags of food, opened the car door, and got in.
I looked from Cory on the ground to Jim, a mean look of satisfaction on his face.
“What just happened?”
“Get in the car so we can eat!” Roddy’s muffled yell sounded.
Jim broke out into a wide grin. “He likes ye.”
My gaze flew back to Cory, who Caden was finally helping to his feet. “Apparently so.”
We were parked outside the guys’ motel room on the outskirts of town. Roddy sat on the sidewalk, finishing his burger, while Jim and I sat on the hood of the Mustang eating ours.
No one had mentioned Cory or the fact that Roddy had come to my defense. In fact, no one had said much of anything while we ate. There was an awkward, heavy silence.
“Well,” Roddy crumpled up his now empty brown bag and stood up, “as scintillating as this conversation is, I’m goin’ tae hit the sack.” He walked over to the car and stopped right in front of me. “Get off the hood.”
I did so instantly. Roddy was more than a little intimidating.
And then to my shock, I found myself wrapped in a bear hug. He lifted my feet right off the ground and I had no choice but to hug him back, a surprised giggle bursting from between my lips.
When he put me back on my feet, he gave my waist one last squeeze. “Ye’er a sweetheart, Nora. Dinnae let any bastard tell ye different.” He winked at me, and I blushed.
“Thanks, Roddy.”
“Aye. Well.” He gave me a stoic nod and then walked off toward the motel room.
Realizing that was his goodbye, I called out, “Bye! Have a great trip!”
He threw his hand up in a wave without looking back and then disappeared inside the room.
When I finally turned back to Jim, he wore a wounded look that caused a pang of pain across my chest. I shimmied back onto the hood beside him. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” He raised an eyebrow. “I’m leaving, that’s what’s wrong.”
“I know.” Glum, I pushed the rest of my burger away and looked at the open road in front of us.
“Ye never told me about Melanie,” he said suddenly.
I tensed, my shoulders hunching toward my ears at the unexpected subject change. “She never came up.”
“I’m sorry ye lost yer friend.”
“Thanks.”
“Ye haven’t told me much about yer parents, either.”
I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and found him studying me with a scowl. “What do you want to know?”
“If they’re good to ye. What I’m leaving ye to if I go.”
“If you go?” My head whipped around to stare at him, bewildered. “Jim … you don’t have a responsibility to me.”
His dark eyes smoldered suddenly. “Believe me, responsibility is not what I feel for ye. At least it’s not the major thing I feel for ye. I …” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Fuck, I don’t know what I’m trying tae say. It’s just, ye’er special, Nora. Ye’er fuckin’ special and when that asshole said those things tonight, I wanted tae kill him. That’s why Roddy did it, punched him, not only because he didnae like hearing that guy say that stuff about ye, but because he knew I would have done a lot fuckin’ worse tae him if I’d gotten near him.”
“Cory is an idiot and not worth your time or your concern. He asked me out senior year and expected me to swoon at his feet like every other empty bimbo who was stupid enough to sleep with him. It hurt his macho pride when I turned him down.”
“That’s not … I’m no’ worried about him. I’m worried about you. Ye deserve more than to be stuck in this dinky wee town, in a shit job.”
“I’ll be okay,” I gritted out. I knew the reality of my situation. I didn’t need Jim pointing out how crappy it was.
“I don’t want ye tae just be okay.” He grabbed my hand, pulling me toward him. “I want yer life to be fucking fantastic, Nora. I think I want that more than I want it for myself.”
I tugged against his hold as he overwhelmed me again. He was always overwhelming me.
Jim wouldn’t let go of my hand. “What does that mean?” he whispered to himself.
“I don’t know,” I whispered back.
And then he was kissing me.
I knew from the fumbling around I’d done with my one and only boyfriend, Steven, when we were in the tenth grade that Jim was a million times better at kissing. His lips were soft yet commanding, and his kisses were nice. Steven’s had been wet and sloppy. Not nice. Not that I had to put up with his fumbling for long. We broke up once he realized how little free time I actually had.
Thoughts of Steven died as Jim slid his arms around me and he pulled me against his chest. As we kissed, one of his hands caressed my hip, while the other drifted upward to gently squeeze my right breast.
I liked when he did that. It caused a fizzle of something low in my belly. But my mind was much too at play still, and as Jim’s kisses became rougher, harder, I worried that Molly was right.
I broke away from him, pressing against his chest to push him back. Embarrassed, feeling young and inexperienced, and concerned there may be something lacking in me, I couldn’t meet his eyes. “I can’t have sex with you.”
Jim was quiet for so long, my heart hammered.
Finally, his fingers slid under my chin and he forced me to look up at him. In his expression, I found hunger but I also found kindness. “I’m not expecting sex, Nora. I told ye … ye mean more tae me than just a quick shag. And anyway,” he glanced around, smiling ruefully, “we’re out in the open and Roddy took the room.”
I laughed softly as relief moved over me. “I’m sorry. I’m not ready.” Or there was something wrong with me, and it would take a miracle to turn me on enough to want to have sex.
“Of course.” He cuddled me into his side. “Let’s hang out and talk. Tell me more about yer mum and dad.”
And because he’d been so sweet to me, always, and I’d never see him again, I gave him a little more of me than I had before. “We’re not close.” I relaxed against him. “My dad and I used to be, but he changed when he got …” I hadn’t told Jim about my dad’s leg and weirdly felt like it wasn’t my story to tell. My dad was so touchy about it, like he was ashamed of it. I didn’t know if that was to do with losing a limb or because if he’d been more careful, he might have been able to prevent its loss.
“Yer dad got…?”
“Sick,” I decided on. “When my dad got sick, he pushed us away.”
Jim’s arm squeezed around me in reaction. “And yer mum?”
“She’s not a bad person. She … she doesn’t know how to be close to me, I guess. And she works all the time. Always has.”
“And ye’er left tae look after yer dad?”
I nodded.
I felt his breath on my ear as he whispered, “That’s too much for someone who’s just starting out. Yer parents should be sending ye out into the world, not keeping ye here, looking after them. Ye deserve more than that, Nora.”
I smiled sadly. “What else are family for?”
He grunted like he didn’t agree with me.
“Are you looking forward to the rest of your trip?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Roddy is.” He sounded so disheartened. “I’m going tae miss you too much. I … really, really care about ye, Nora.”
Emotion immediately clogged my throat as I realized our time together was ending. Panic waited in the wings of my mind. “I’ll miss you too.”
Hearing my voice crack, Jim pulled me into a hard hug, bowing his head in the crook of my neck. I felt him shudder.
My arms tightened around him, and as we held each other as close as two people could, I tried not to give into the fear that by letting Jim go in the morning, I was letting go of the future I was meant to have.