Marcus
“You ready to go?”
There was a long pause and Eric took a moment before he looked up from the toys. “Yes?”
It came out more as a question than statement of fact, so I sat down next to him on the floor. He scooted over and rested his head on my shoulder, still playing with the little people. “Did you change your mind, Baby?”
His grip on the little fireman tightened, but he shook his head. “No.”
The morning had gone wonderfully. We’d had a big breakfast of veggie omelets, with bacon on the side, of course—we were eating healthier, not going crazy—and then we’d gotten him a shower and he’d been playing toys until we were ready to go.
I’d dressed him carefully, so he could still feel little but wouldn’t stand out. He had his briefs on—more superheroes—and a T-shirt with matching characters on under a plain black one. With his binkie in his pocket, we should have been walking out the door, but something was making him drag his feet.
“Have you been thinking about the toys we’re going to get?” We’d looked at options online, but he’d been having a hard time making up his mind about exactly what he wanted.
“Yes. The zoo stuff and maybe more blocks.” His voice was more confident, but he still hadn’t moved, so I waited.
Finally, he sat up straighter and looked me in the eyes. “Can we look at coloring books too?”
“Absolutely.” Taking his hand, we stood up together. “We can look at anything you want.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” He held me tight as we headed out to the car, but by the time he was buckled, he seemed more comfortable. Had he worked through his fears or had he just shoved them aside and was doing his best to ignore them?
The ride to the store was filled with the sounds of him flicking through the radio. He’d stop on a station for about thirty seconds, then would hit the button again. Eventually, I took his hand and held it in mine. “Are you excited about having dinner with Nathan and Gabriel tonight?”
Eric perked up, smiling. “Yes. He’s so…so much more confident now. And just by the way he talks about him, you can see how much he loves Gabriel.”
Nathan and Eric texted and talked more once they hadn’t needed to hide things from one another. Eric wasn’t the natural sharer Nathan was, and sometimes just watching Eric blush and stammer through a conversation was hilarious. My sweet boy was trying, though. He’d answer Nathan’s questions the best he could and would listen while Nathan talked about things he’d seen online. It was good for Eric.
There was just something about Nathan that made it impossible to take offense or be upset by anything he said. With someone else, Eric would have probably been overwhelmed by the questions and on the defensive, but Nathan was just different. He radiated an openness and almost innocence that made Eric want to help him—even when it made Eric uncomfortable.
“Knowing Gabriel, he’s just as over the moon. All he talked about at dinner was Nathan.” Gabriel and I didn’t have a call-just-to-talk kind of relationship, but it’d been nice to see him again. He used to go to the club on a regular basis, but when he’d dropped off the map, people hadn’t been sure why. I was just glad he’d found someone who could relate to the things he needed.
As we pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car, Eric’s smile dimmed slightly, but he wasn’t as worried. I was expecting him to stay on edge until he realized we could go through the store and see that no one would notice.
With the severe lack of staff in most big box stores and the self-checkout lines, talking with anyone wasn’t necessary at all. And no matter what we did, we’d never be the strangest person in there.
That was almost guaranteed.
Not wanting to draw any attention to us and make Eric more nervous, I didn’t hold his hand, but I did stand close, letting my shoulder rub against his. He kept one hand with a death grip on the cart handle and the other in his pocket as we walked into the store.
Heading back to the toy aisle gave him a chance to walk off some of the stress and see that no one gave us a second look. There were a couple of are-they-or-aren’t-they-a-couple kinds of glances but nothing significant. People were naturally nosy, but if all they were focused on was if we were gay or not, then that was something I thought he could deal with.
By the time we were wandering through the toy aisles, looking at boxes and comparing sets, he was still quiet, but the underlying level of fear had faded significantly. Walking down the row filled with blocks, the only stressful moment came when a slightly frantic-looking mother with a herd of small children came barreling down, talking about birthday parties and spending limits.
She glanced over at us and smiled as the kids argued about which one was better. “Birthday parties are the hardest thing to shop for.” She nodded toward our shopping cart. “At least it’s easier when they’re young.”
We nodded absently and smiled, but she didn’t seem to need a response. She just turned and grabbed a couple of boxes and started dragging the kids toward the front of the store. Eric couldn’t seem to decide what to say. He just started chewing on his bottom lip and looking at the toys in the cart.
Leaning close, I whispered, even though we were alone on the aisle again. “The easiest part is when they’re young occasionally, but then can tell you exactly what they’re thinking other times.”
“D—Marcus.” Eric whispered in an almost shocked voice, shaking his head at me. Then he looked around, trying to see if anyone heard his almost slip.
“What? It’s true.” Pointing to the shelf, I gave him an innocent smile. “Finish picking one out.”
I got another look, like he was trying to make sure I wasn’t going to say anything else shocking, then he went back to analyzing the brightly colored choices. He took his time picking up boxes and turning them over in his hands before putting them back down again.
Eric finally decided on a large package of blocks that were just like the ones he already had. He gave me a sideways glance, but I thought it was cute and wasn’t going to tease him about it. If my boy needed twenty minutes to pick out a toy he already owned, then that’s what we’d do.
Our last stop was to walk through the small book section to see what they had for coloring, but after seeing what a limited selection they had, we decided to just buy those online. Another helpful mother walked by and gave us the name of a website to buy better ones from, after telling us that the paper in the coloring books on the shelf would rip too easily.
Eric did his best not to react, and I was left thanking her and agreeing that little ones weren’t always easy to buy for. By the time we got up to the self-checkout registers and started paying for the items, he’d found his voice and his gumption.
Leaning close, he dropped his voice low, just loud enough for me to hear over the noise. “What do you think they would have said if they’d known it was for me?”
“Well, I don’t know about the first lady. With all those kids, she probably wouldn’t notice one more, though. The second lady wouldn’t have blinked. She’s in a relationship with a little. I’ve seen them at some groups around the region.” Maybe I was a terrible person, but the look of utter shock on his face was priceless.
His mouth opened and closed but nothing came out.
“Don’t assume someone’s vanilla just because they seem normal in public.” I had a feeling it was a lesson that wouldn’t sink in easily.
Eric seemed to think that because he was buying toys or anything else we might use, people would automatically know it was for him. When Mary—I thought that was her name—had walked by with bottles and a few toys in her cart, Eric hadn’t even given it a second look.
“She’s really…I mean she has…I…” He didn’t seem to know how to say it.
“Yes, she is, and she does. I’ve only met her a few times, but she and her husband seem happy together.” Eric glanced around at the people near us, but nothing about our conversation was out of the ordinary. Lowering my voice slightly as I put the last of the toys back in the cart, I tried to make him see I understood. “People see what they expect to see. They’re looking for normal, so nothing you do will stand out.”
He grabbed the receipt as the machine spit it out. “I don’t know.”
“How about you agree to think about it?”
Eric smiled, grabbing the cart. “That, I can do.”
“Good, because I’m always right.” Stealing the cart, I knocked my hip against his. “Now, how about we grab some lunch?”
He gave me a sideways look, letting me keep the cart. “McDonald’s still?”
I knew he was going to start fishing for information, so I nodded but started talking again as we walked toward the main doors. “Yes, though since we’re going out with Nathan and Gabriel tonight, I should’ve picked something healthier.”
“You made lots of healthy dinners this week. One day of fun won’t kill us.” His grin was infectious. “The restaurant has dessert. How about I promise not to ask for any tonight?”
“That makes all the difference.”
“I know.” He perked up and stole the cart back as we got closer to the car. “See, I’m…” He glanced around, “such a good boy, Daddy.”
I couldn’t help giving him a quick kiss. “Yes, you are.”
Grabbing the key fob out of my pocket, I unlocked the car. “In you go, Baby.”
“Can I have the toys up here?” He glanced away and started biting his lip. He looked like he felt a little silly for asking.
“Of course, I’d be surprised if you didn’t want to see them now.” Opening the passenger door, I held it as Eric climbed in. Then I gave him a mock-serious look and wagged my finger at him. “Just no getting pieces of boxes and plastic all over the car.”
He sank back into the seat and reached for the bags, no longer worried about hiding his excitement. “If I’m naughty, then you might have to punish me.”
“You’re right.” Fighting off a smile, I nodded. “A spanking might be in order if you’re a bad boy. But first I have to feed you.”
I kissed his forehead as he started tearing into the packages and straightened up to shut the door. He looked up at me with a tender expression. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“You’re welcome, Baby. I love you. Don’t you forget it.”
Love lit up his face. “I won’t, and I love you, too.”
Bending down, I gave him another peck on the forehead. “Sweet boy.”
****
“Alright, Baby, can you carry in the toys? I’ll grab the food.” Eric nodded, looking at the food like it might jump up and grab him at any minute.
I honestly hadn’t thought the kid's meal would be that big of a deal, but he’d reacted like I’d bought his diapers in public rather than asked for a kid’s cheeseburger meal. Between the extra fries and the salad I’d purchased it would be enough food, but the box and the toy was what I really wanted for him.
It was easy to see that it was special to him, but he couldn’t seem to let himself have it. He’d balanced the box on his lap, and it looked like he didn’t want to touch it. As I took the small red box and the bag from his lap, he seemed to breathe easier as he grabbed the toys and climbed out.
Walking up to the house, he looked like he was having a mental discussion, and I wasn’t sure what he was debating. Eat the food or don’t? Admit he was scared or hide it? Ask for the toy or just pretend it’s a regular meal?
I didn’t know what the biggest issue was.
As we got inside, I had him set the bags on the couch and herded him into the kitchen. Part of me wanted to take him into the nursery and talk—but cold French fries were gross. Deciding that choices would be too hard on him, I started out with simple instructions. “Go sit down at the table and I’ll open your milk.”
He nodded and walked over to the table. It took him a moment to make the decision to actually sit, but eventually he did it. The drink seemed to be easy. Eric took the milk from my hands once it was open and started drinking it. Emptying out his food, I set his cheeseburger down on the table and started dishing up the fries and his portion of the salad.
Eric watched everything with an intensity I’d never seen him use for food. Diapers and the nursery, yes, but not lunch. Maybe ignoring it wasn’t going to work. Crouching down beside him, I reached up to cup his face.
“Baby?”
He blinked several times and fought to pull his eyes away from the food. “Yes?”
“I need you to talk to me about the food.” I thought it was a reasonable start, but he just looked at me blankly. “Something is upsetting you and I need to understand what’s going on.”
His eyes flicked over to the food, then back to me. “I…I…It’s…”
Wrapping my arms around him, I pulled him to the edge of the chair. “Look at me, Baby. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s unimportant or silly or hard or anything…we’re in this together...right?”
He nodded, some of the confusing tension leaving his body. “Yes.”
“Good boy. Now talk to me about the food. Your fries are getting cold.” That made him smile, and he reached over to steal one off the table.
“Lukewarm—it’s still fine.”
His grin looked more like the boy I was used to. “I’m glad you like the fries. How about the hamburger?”
Eric nodded, then poked at me teasingly. “Cheeseburger.”
“I’m very sorry…cheeseburger.”
“It’s a big difference.”
“Of course, I won’t forget again. How is your toy?” Now we were getting somewhere. He froze and looked down at his lap. “Talk to me, Baby. What went through your mind?”
He sighed and relaxed against my arms. “I keep hearing my mother’s voice fussing at me that I’m too old for a kid’s meal.”
He paused, and I waited to see what else he would say. Finally, he kept going. “We didn’t have them often, but they were a treat when my parents were both busy. When I was about eight, we were going through the drive-thru and I asked for one…I think it had some kind of little robot. I remember not being very hungry but wanting the toy bad. She snapped at me while the drive-thru lady was listening, told me I was too old for something that ridiculous and she didn’t want to hear it again. I don’t know what other shit she had going on, but I can still hear her voice.”
Eric took a moment, and I knew he was reliving the experience, hopefully from an adult’s perspective. He hadn’t done anything wrong. His eyes focused on me and I got the ghost of a grin before he continued. “You know, lots of adults collect those toys…and some people just like the size of the meal. There’s a lady at work who gets them constantly.”
“You’re right. Sometimes people just aren’t hungry for a big meal, and I know quite a few grownups who just want the chocolate milk. It doesn’t matter why you want it.”
He shook his head and reached over and grabbed another fry, making a face. “Now they’re cold.”
Laughing, I straightened up and gave him a peck on the cheek. “Let’s see if the toaster oven can fix that.”
I got a skeptical look, but he let me take the fries. Munching away on his salad and cheeseburger, he seemed happier, like a weight had been lifted off him. I think the thing that I was most proud of was that he wasn’t downplaying the emotional impact of it. There was no “this is stupid” or “I shouldn’t be this upset,” he just accepted how he was feeling and talked to me about it.
As I brought the food back over to the table, I set it down and wrapped my arms around him. “Proud of you, Baby.”
He grinned. It was filled with love and humor. “I knew you would be.” Then he picked up his toy and showed it to me. “I’m proud of me, too.”