I’ve been at Erin’s for three weeks. I’m feeling better, and I’m slowly putting together information and memories to reconstruct my whole life in a practical way. I’m still missing many pieces of the puzzle of my past that maybe I’ll never recover, but I have to say that everything is finally starting to make sense.

I have seen old photos of our family that Aaron let me have. It was nice to re-live some of those moments with my mother and father. Nice yet sad, because I don’t remember them and that hurts and makes me feel incomplete.

And I also saw some videos of the band and finally, I ‘met’ Neil. He and Liam are so different. It seems almost impossible that they are brothers. Liam is so strong, proud and robust, sure of himself, while Neil seems fragile, insecure but undoubtedly tender.

We were together for many years, and yet, it’s very difficult for me to picture his face or remember the taste of his lips.

I saw them all on stage together, concentrated, happy and accomplished and I understood that is their way. That is their life and I want them to pick up where they left off. I don’t want to be a burden for anyone. I don’t want anyone to take care of me. I want to free them and myself.

“So? Anything new?”

Erin and I are at the coffee shop under her flat. I wanted to come out for a bit and get some fresh air, but it’s not a great day and we ended up back here without a real reason.

“No, nothing new.”

“The photos and videos didn’t help you much, then?”

I look at them constantly, every day, all day but my memories have stopped and it’s been a few days since I’ve had any kind of flashes of insight.

I shake my head and drink a sip of coffee.

“Doesn’t all this tell you something?”

I raise my glance to encourage her to continue.

“The fact that you have only remembered certain things, fundamental things—about you and him—Do you think it’s normal that you don’t have any memories of Neil?”

I had thought that actually that it was strange at first, but then I figured that my mind was playing dirty tricks on me and maybe it’s just something superficial.

“Maybe your mind is choosing what to remember.”

“What does that mean? That it intentionally forgot some things instead of others?”

“I’m saying that maybe the heart is stronger than the brain itself; that love, Rain, is stronger than anything else, even stronger than cranium trauma and amnesia.”

“I don’t believe that’s possible.”

“Then how do you explain that for two years you haven’t made any progress and then as soon as you meet Liam, see him, spend some time with him, your memories start blooming?”

I sit in the silence a few minutes because I know deep down that Erin could be right, even if I’m not ready to admit it. I’m about to fight back when she beats me to it.

“Don’t hate me, okay?”

“What? Why should I…” I’m not able to finish the phrase, because I see Jay standing in the doorway of the shop.

I shake my head and let it fall back against the headrest, crossing my arms across my chest.

“Hi, Erin. Hi, Rain.”

“H-hi, Jay.”

“Can I sit down with you for two minutes?”

“By now, you’re here,” I keep my distance, even if I’m dying to hug him. I miss my guys like crazy.

“How are you?” He reaches his hand out over the table, waiting for mine.

I huff and let my arm go, extend my hand toward him and he squeezes it, smiling at me.

“I’m happy to see you.”

“Me too, Jay.”

“You’re not still mad at me? At us?”

“You bet your life I am! I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”

“You’re right to be upset with us, we deserve it. But we miss you. Aaron is desperate and Liam—”

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“I know, but let me tell you about him, Rain. There are some things you should know.”

“I already know everything. I don’t want to know anything else.”

“Please. Listen for me.”

I turn my head the other way and stare out the window. Outside it’s raining and the Christmas lights on the streets appear foggy from the contrast of the warmth in this coffee house. The fog on the windows reflects the fog in my soul—I’m still confused and hurt.

I nod ever so slightly, the movement almost impossible to detect, but Jay picks up on it and takes this as an encouraging sign. He lets my hand go, orders a coffee and scoots his chair towards the table.

“Liam made a mistake, he made a sea of them. He should not have lied and inserted himself into your life like that, but he didn’t have much choice. He didn’t want to upset you, he just wanted to be close to you, to see you again and to see how you were doing—he wanted to help you.”

“He coulda done that right away, don’t you think? Instead he left, he chose himself.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong even if it can seem like the opposite. It’s true that he took the chance and was successful, but he was very unhappy, he was empty, he was alone. He was dead inside, Rain. Until he came back here.”

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“That he came back for you. He couldn’t stand being away from you. He thought he was giving you his life and instead—” Jay takes a long breath and exhales deeply before continuing. “—Honey, it wasn’t him that brought your memories back, it was you who brought him home.”

“I d-don’t understand.”

“You lost a lot, the accident turned your life upside down, but it destroyed his. He lost his brother, his friends, his family and the woman he loved. He was such a disaster when he came back and then you decided to trust him, you opened his heart and gave him his life back.”

I can feel my lower lip start to tremble and I try to swallow my tears and stop myself breaking out sobbing like an idiot, here in front of everyone.

“I—”

“He stayed here for three months after the accident, until you woke up from the coma. We spent the nights with you there; we took turns, but he was there every single night and he was in a terrible condition, he was sleeping in the waiting room. He went home just to shower and change his clothes. He spent more time with you than any of us and we didn’t realize it at the time. We thought it was because Neil was dead and that he needed to stay there, to watch over you. We didn’t understand that deep down, his was a double loss. Then you woke up and he seemed reborn. But then—”

“—And then I didn’t remember him.”

“In the first few days you were scared and lost. You only let Aaron come near you, he was the only person you remembered. Then slowly you accepted me and Patrick, but Liam—you didn’t want to let him get close to your room. You were afraid of him, and, darling, it was gut wrenching. Liam is strong, but not tough enough to tolerate your total refusal.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“I know, you’ve erased many things, even things that happened after the accident.”

“And so, he left.”

“I believe he couldn’t take it.”

“I don’t remember when everything started, Jay. I don’t remember because—”

“—Because you were in love with him?”

“I feel it, I know, but I don’t remember.”

“Well, I think you should trust your instinct and listen to your heart. Give him a chance.”

“I wish I hadn’t remembered. That I didn’t know anything.”

“I can understand that. But the memories are there, even if they’re incomplete ones, and you can’t ignore what you feel. Believe me,” He concludes with a sad, serious voice.

“Tell me something about Neil.”

“About Neil?”

“Yes, please.”

“You don’t—”

I shake my head.

“Okay, dear. I’ll tell you about him.”

And while Jay tells me about our first date and our first kiss, our plans and our fights, our relationship, he can’t help but include Liam’s name in every situation, every memory, every touch.

Liam was there, he was everywhere, on every day of my life, in every tear and every smile. He was always present, and I never saw him, not with my eyes at least. But my heart saw and heard every moment filling itself with his smile, his voice and his glances.

And his love.