Chapter 4
Dr. Zina Smith
I felt terrible. There had been a moment back there, during the heat of battle, when I had genuinely believed that Keldon Marcsu was going to be killed. And a knot in my stomach when I realized that he had survived.
I had felt relieved to believe that he was going to be out of my life. It would have been the easy way out of a horrible situation. I would have no longer been expected to live with him and in order to escape the planet Hexa, only to be deposited on another planet where I would be treated as a prisoner of a different type.
“Human, what is wrong with you?”
I laughed at the sudden question, phrased so callously but spoken with the best of intent.
“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. There was no way that this alien would ever be able to understand the complexities of my feelings. What it was like to be treated as a currency or a breeding machine. How guilty I felt for being so hopeful that I was going to watch Keldon Marcsu be killed right in front of me, and the crushing realization that I was still stuck with him, even if he was lost out in the forest somewhere.
“You haven’t eaten much today. Let us take a break for a meal. That may help to lift your spirits.”
I nodded, following Rax silently through the thick foliage until we finally stumbled upon one of the many fruit orchards. They were plentiful on this planet; the people who curated the place made sure that the creatures trapped here had their best chance of survival, with or without technology.
“Here,” he said, reaching above my head to pick a supple red fruit. “You like these ones, right?”
I was startled by the observation, and nodded dumbly. I hadn’t made a big deal of it or anything. I had eaten anything that I was able to find on my own, and since being with Rax, anything that I was given. . But it was true, I particularly enjoyed these red fruits.
“Yes, thank you,” I said, avoiding his eyes and taking the fruit, he was offering.
He didn’t acknowledge my thanks and wandered deeper into the orchard, his vibrant, multicolored eyes scanning the hanging fruits.
“I think I want to try this one,” he said finally. “Have you tried it yet, human? I do not want to eat something that is too sour.”
“No, that one is more bitter. And a little sweet after you get over the bitterness.”
“Ah,” he said, nodding sagely, examining the fruit in his large, cupped hand before making his final decision. “I will give it a try then.”
He plucked the fruit and walked back to me, sitting down beside me in the soft grass and examining the fruit for bugs. He found none, and wiped it cautiously with a small cloth. He offered the cloth to me and I nearly laughed. I had been on this planet for so long that I had gotten used to eating things right of the vine, sometimes even when there were bugs.
“So, do you really think you will be able to find all of your missing crew members?” I asked, peeling the fruit cautiously, trying to ignore the heat that having Rax’s body so near to me introduced to my senses. I wanted to be closer to him, despite my better instincts, and I had no idea why.
“I believe that my mission will be successful,” he said, taking a cautious bite of his own fruit. “As long as I am able to return to the planet Yala with Keldon Marcsu in tow. He is the whole reason that I am here, and if he is not returned safely it is likely that the mission will be considered a failure.”
“That’s bullshit,” I said, biting into my fruit and chewing it quickly in irritation.
“It’s what?” Rax asked me, eyeing me curiously.
“It’s bullshit! Just because that asshole is the son of the leader of your planet, that means his life is more valuable than the lives of the other Raithers who have been trapped here? I don’t think so.”
I knew I should probably shut my mouth, but I was pissed off. Not only was this Raither royal a pain in my ass, but he was considered to be more valuable than others, when it was possible he was the most despicable being I had ever met? No way.
Even still, Rax was the one responsible for ushering us both to safety, and if I insulted him rather than staying compliant, who knew what harm might befall me? But I couldn’t stop the flood of words coming out of my mouth. It was almost as if I was hoping to provoke him; to test his limits and see just how much power I held with him.
“The system as it is now is very corrupt, from your point of view,” Rax said, peering at me thoughtfully as he toyed with his fruit. “Does this surprise you? Isn’t the same thing just as likely to happen on Earth? Or any other planet for that matter? Power is what all men covet, and once it has been obtained, it seems to be all they can think about. In order to continue to possess it, they must wield it.. And Keldon Marcsu was born in just such a situation. All he has ever known is that he has power, and of course he is going to utilize that to his fullest advantage.”
I glowered. “You sound like you’re perfectly fine with that arrangement. Why is that? Aren’t you a powerful Raither man too?”
He opened his mouth to answer and I held up my hand. “Don’t bother. Spare me. I just want to be free of this whole situation. I don’t need to hear about your privileged little lifestyle and how you grew up knowing that you were going to one day be some powerful army guy and save people from certain doom. It’s gross.”
“Actually, human,” Rax said, his voice hard. “I was not a privileged child. My family was born in the lower rungs of society. We were not granted the things that we had simply because of our rank. There was no privilege in our lot in life. I simply joined the army as all young Raither boys do, and I thrived. I had to excel because that was the only way to give the rest of my family a chance to amount to something. You do understand that Yala is an economic hub, right? Well, who do you think benefits from all that money and power? The people who produce the goods or the people that organize their production and do nothing but count money all day? I will give you one guess.”
I looked down at my hands, suddenly feeling very ashamed of myself for my presumption. Of course, he had the right to be upset about what I had said. Who did I think I was, trying to act like I knew where he came from and what his life had been like. If anybody had ever said something like that to me, I probably would have gone off on them. There was nothing more aggravating than encountering somebody who thought they knew more about you than you knew about yourself.
It was especially frustrating to realize that I was acting in a way that I would have hated to encounter. If Rax had the nerve to speak to me in that way, I probably would still be ranting at him right now. But all he had done was to try to correct the errors in my thinking, and lead me to the conclusion that was accurate about his upbringing. He was an extremely patient man, even in this situation.. It was something that I could admire and respect about him.
“I’m sorry,” I said, suddenly no longer hungry. “I didn’t realize that things could be that way on your planet too. I guess I always assumed that the alien races like yours were a little bit more advanced.”
Rax chuckled. “Nobody is advanced when it comes to trying to cope with power. It would take a special kind of person to be able to utilize it for the good of the many, rather than the few. Everybody seemed to want to look out for themselves rather than to use what they had for the greater good. It would take somebody who knows what it is like to be deprived to be in power before all people would be recognized in a society.”
I stared at this strong, inspirational Raither. I couldn’t help but feel a strong admiration toward him, although at the same time, I was still feeling a bit resentful. I knew that if I tried to leave, he would be just as bad as Keldon Marcsu and do whatever he could to keep me here. It wouldn’t matter whether or not I wanted to stay. I had no free will when it came these alien men.
“I don’t think that in any society that’s worth a damn, it’s okay for women to be enslaved and forced into doing whatever some guy tells her to do. How do you guys even justify that? I’m not just a commodity. I’m a person. I have my own thoughts and feelings and desires, and they don’t include anything like what you want for me. You should really just let me go. If I have to spend the rest of my life with Keldon Marcsu I don’t know what I’m going to do. But it’s not going to be pretty.”
I could feel Rax looking at me, and when I caught his eye, I couldn’t help but feel slightly ashamed of myself for the way I was acting. I probably sounded like a petulant child. I was practically begging him to let me run off into the wilderness that I was not safe in. I was asking him to abandon the very real possibility of being rescued from this planet, and taken to a place that, although oppressive, would not be the same as this dangerous prison planet that I have been on for so long.
“I understand that you want nothing to do with Keldon Marcsu. He is a spoiled and selfish Raither. In fact, I am ashamed that this is what comes of the royalty of my people. You would think that after so long of being important and strong forces for change throughout the universe, we would be able to come up with a better system and the more enlightened way to handle and express power. But we haven’t. And that is the sad fact.”
Rax looked off into space, his broad thumb stroking the fruit in his hand as he seems to be considering things that were far above my own comprehension. He didn’t look back at me until I cleared my throat, and started to speak again. When I did, his full attention is fixed on me, and I found myself feeling a little bit put on the spot.
“I still don’t see why you can’t just let me go. It’s not that big of a deal. He would believe you if you told him that I was killed by one of these monsters.”
Rax chuckled. “I don’t think that he would. He has seen me fight. And you have as well. He knows that I am much braver than he is. A Raither who spends all of his time behind closed doors being pampered and told how wonderful he is will never fully be able to take care of himself. They are not bred for being strong, they are not bred for war. They are bred for being pampered and spoiled and having their egos stroked. Men like me though, we know what it is to struggle and to fight. We know what it is like to have our lives on the line. Even in a place that is supposed to have a lot of success economically there is still suffering. There is still poverty This mission is my only chance to really help my family get out of that rut and begin a life that is actually not so difficult.”
“That still doesn’t answer my question,” I said, pouting at Rax. “If you don’t let me go, then you’re just as bad as he is. You are a captor. You’re keeping me here against my will. What if I don’t want to come back to your planet? I just want to go back to Earth, or stay here. I don’t need to go to some place where I’m going to be treated like a slave. I can’t handle that. I need my freedom. I would rather be here risking my life and being free than to be stuck somewhere that my freedom is compromised. Is it really so hard to understand?”
Rax sighed deeply and stood. “Come on human. We do not have time to discuss this. We have to find shelter soon. The light in the sky is growing darker, and I’m afraid that we will not find Keldon Marcsu around here. But I do think that it would be wise to check around areas with a lot of fruit. Perhaps he will stick close to one and hope for the best.”
I sighed, really not ready to let go of this conversation. If there is any way that I could convince Rax to let me leave, I would have to try. If there was some way that I could escape, and get away from him, maybe I can get out of this horrible situation, and by the time he found Keldon Marcsu I would be long gone.
But if I did try to do something like that, it could mean that Rax would lose his opportunity to move his family out of the horrible lot in life that they had found themselves burdened with. He was only doing this so that he could try and better the prospects for his family. If I escaped, he would probably be persecuted for it.
Even worse, if he didn’t find Keldon Marcsu by the time he was supposed to leave, then his mission would be considered a failure. I felt a guilty twinge in the pit of my stomach. I would just have to cooperate for the time being. I didn’t see any other option. Anything I did at this point would just feel selfish. For some reason, I couldn’t fathom being the source of any pain or discomfort to Rax and his life. No matter how arrogant and self-assured he happened to be, he was the most decent being I had met on this planet as of yet, and to a degree, that included the other humans that I had been deserted here with.
“Don’t worry,” I said, quietly, for some reason finding myself compelled to try and comfort this seemingly infallible creature. “I’m sure that we will find Keldon Marcsu soon. For now, let’s just figure out a good place to rest. I think I might be getting tired.”
Rax nodded, and we continued on our way, keeping our voices silent.
***
It was strange to camp out alone with Rax. Keldon Marcsu had been missing for quite a while now, and I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of fate he had met. Again, I felt a small surge of shame sweep through me. It was never okay to wish harm on anybody, no matter what a jerk he happened to be. What kind of a horrible person was I to think that it would be better if something bad happened to Keldon Marcsu?
“What is on your mind, human?” Rax asked me, fixing a studied look upon me as I wrung my hands together, thinking about Keldon Marcsu.
“I guess I just feel bad about Keldon Marcsu. I hope that nothing happens to him.”
I couldn’t believe that I was saying it. I would’ve done anything to get away from him. And yet, now that I had genuinely allowed myself to go to such a dark place, I began allowing myself to see the humanity in him, so to speak. Even though he was an alien, he was still a life form that deserved its best chance to thrive. Sure, I didn’t want to be stuck with him for the rest of my life, but that didn’t mean I wanted his entire life snuffed out. I couldn’t get over the guilt of how I had wished him dead.
“I recognize that look,” Rax said. “But it is out of place on your face. Nothing bad has happened to Keldon Marcsu yet. You should not feel bad about surviving. That sort of guilt does not have a place in your existence. Please, do not let yourself feel bad.”
I looked up at him, unable to hide the deep shame that I was feeling. Why was it that I wanted to open up to him? He had done nothing to prove himself as trustworthy. Sure, he had saved me from a creature that looked like it was ready to destroy all of us, but he hadn’t necessarily done it just for me. He had done it out of a self-preservation instinct. And he had probably done it to protect the son of the Emperor of his planet. It was unlikely to have anything to do with any sort of personal feelings you might have toward me, so why was I feeling a fondness for him? It made no sense.
“Maybe my expression is not quite what you think it is,” I said, shifting nervously. “Maybe I just really want to go home.”
“It will do you no good to lie, human,” Rax said, looking sternly at me. “I can sense what is the truth and what is a lie, and you are not comfortable lying anyway.”
“How can you sense it when we aren’t even the same species?” I asked, slightly dumbfounded by the realization that I was practically dealing with a master of behavior.
“It is part of my training, and as such, it is insulting to my intelligence for you to try and lead me to believe a falsehood. You can’t fool me, human. It is beyond you. I would be much more at ease if you didn’t even try.”
The way his multicolored eyes were flashing at me was both an indication of interest and provocation. It was almost like an invitation, in a way, but to what, I couldn’t be sure.
“I’m sorry,” I said finally. I knew I shouldn’t have attempted to lie, but I really wasn’t in the mood to be talking about my own insecurities. It was something that was embarrassing though, and I felt especially on guard in the silence of the small, comfortable shelter. I didn’t want to feel comfortable with Rax. I didn’t want to feel comfortable at all. I wasn’t in a situation that required comfort.
In fact, the idea of actually allowing myself to lower my defenses and succumb to whatever it was that my mind and body seemed to think it wanted was only more dangerous than I could ever have imagined. Who knew what might happen if I made myself vulnerable?
And yet, my body was electrified when Rax stood up and looked down at me, his body only inches away from my own. I felt an involuntary heat spread down to my core as the scent of his masculine body filled my nostrils. He smelled like sweet burning wood. And somehow, that awoke the kernel in me that needed to be dominated.
“Human, what’s wrong? Why is your face turning red like that?”
I turned away, but not before Rax was able to see the physical testament to my longing for him. It was ridiculous. It was pointless. And it was shameful. Why would I feel this way about somebody like him when all that it meant was that I was going to end up being hurt or taken somewhere I didn’t belong? I couldn’t trust him anymore than I could trust Keldon Marcsu.
“It’s nothing. I guess I’m just tired.”
Rax looked at me as if he knew that I was lying, and it seemed almost funny to me in a way to realize that it was true. I was tired, but I was lying about being tired. He seemed unable to make up his mind about whether or not what I was saying was the full truth, and so I looked at him, my eyes pleading. “Can we just sleep now?”
Rax seem to consider this, until finally, he nodded gruffly.
“Make sure that you eat something though. I am starting to get worried about you. I know that humans are prone to bouts of anxiety and that can affect your eating habits, but that doesn’t mean that you should allow it to change the way that you are conducting yourself. I want you to make sure that you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. It is very important.”
“I don’t really see the point. I’m just going to end up being Keldon Marcsu’s prisoner. Why do I need to be healthy to be a prisoner?” I said, sitting back against the wall of the shelter. I almost felt like a petulant child again, throwing a tantrum, but honestly, I was emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed by the entire situation. It was bad enough to be kidnapped once, but abducted twice and taken to two strange planets where I didn’t belong? It was insane.
But I couldn’t expect Rax understand my point of view. He seemed only to be able to understand things through his limited knowledge about humans and our biology. How was it possible that I wanted to make him understand? It was pointless.
I tried to push the thoughts away as we both settled into our small nests of leaves on the floor. It was strange, the shelter was much smaller now that there were only two of us. It seems that he had made it almost deliberately intimate, having our sleeping arrangements surprisingly close. I could almost feel the warmth of his body as he lay down beside me, and I secretly watched his broad chest began to rise and fall as he closed his eyes.
He fell asleep almost immediately, even though the floor of the shelter was extremely uncomfortable. We have found ourselves a nice rockface, and had begun to build the shelter around it, and we weren’t on a normal dirt floor this time. We were on a slab of rock. He swore that it was safer than anyplace on the ground at the moment, considering our current location. It was still alarmingly close to the area where we had seen the terrible monster that Rax had destroyed in order to save us all. Who knew what other creatures might be wandering around there? It was best not to find out. That is, if it could be helped.
Soon, I found myself slipping into a deep sleep, mylast thought of Rax and his family. He was really counting on this job so that he could pull his family out of a bad situation. Why was it that I was so determined to give him a hard time? Everybody was just doing the best they could, weren’t they? At least, that’s what I like to try to tell myself.
***
I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic. I didn’t know where I was, and the darkness of the shelter and the fear and adrenaline that I had felt in the attack but had not been able to process were consuming me. I cried out loud, which was a big mistake in a place like. The prison planet was crawling with creatures ready to play and strike upon anybody who was more vulnerable than they were. They were masters at manipulation and strategy, and some of them are simply huge and barbaric beasts that wanted to dominate and control everybody around them. It was extremely dangerous to give your location away, especially at night, when they felt free to roam around in search of their prey.
Suddenly, a pair of strong arms were around me, and I find myself collapsing into them, sobbing. I had no control over myself, having been woken from a deep, fitful sleep. All the feelings that I had been trying so hard to hold back were escaping I had tried so hard to be brave on this planet. To keep myself alive into make sure that everything that I did was smart and strategic.
But being here now was a testament to the fact that I really wasn’t strong at all. If I was strong, I would’ve been able to avoid the advances of Keldon Marcsu. I would’ve been able to get myself to a safe place and prevent myself from being abducted, not just once, but twice, by brutal, fears alien races throughout the galaxy.
“Calm down, human, it is going to be all right, you are okay.”
Rax his voice was deep and soothing in my ear, but I couldn’t stop crying. He held me tightly, caressing my hair and whispering into my ear.
“You do not have to be afraid right now. Everything is going to be okay. I will protect you. Now and always.”
Somehow, the last thing he said to me managed to snap me out of my fit, and I began to take deep, shuddering breaths, calming myself from my hysteria. I was embarrassed for letting myself acting that way, but in truth, there was really nothing else that I could have done about it. I had been sleeping. My emotions had managed to sneak out, whether I liked it or not. Maybe that wasn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened, but only time would tell. If anybody outside of the shelter had hurt my cries, surely there would be danger coming soon.
“I’m sorry, you don’t have to do this,” I said, trying to push myself away from Rax and his broad chest. He frowned at me, and dropped his arms away from me, almost as if he was hurt by my actions. But why would he be hurt? He didn’t care about me at all. All of this is just a big inconvenience to him. How could he ever possibly care?
“Are you all right?” He asked softly.
I was surprised by the tone in his voice. He seemed to be genuinely concerned for me, whether or not I could admit it. He was a very compassionate Raither, as far as I could tell. At least, as compassionate as it was possible for these brutal aliens to be.
“Yes, I think that I will be okay now,” I said quietly. “Thank you for making sure I didn’t go out there and do anything stupid. I owe you one.”
“You do not owe me anything, don’t even worry about that. And human,” Rax said, looking deeply into my eyes. “Please, do not be ashamed of your sadness. You have been a very difficult situation, and a lot of humans in your position would probably have fallen apart by now. You are doing a good job.”
I gaped at him as he started to make himself comfortable again on his little bed. Soon, I was alone in the world of wakefulness, listening at the makeshift door for any sign that my outburst had been detected by enemy life.
But soon it became obvious that the coast was clear, and I lay down beside Rax, blown away by the way he had dealt with the situation. There was something incredibly different about this Raither, and I was lucky that it had been him there and not Keldon Marcsu. I suppose it was time to count my blessings, and so that’s what I did, allowing my thoughts to linger on the way that Rax’s incredibly well muscled body made me feel so safe and protected as he held me close.
A forbidden jolt of longing search through me, and I grimaced, turning my back to the Raither and squeezing my eyes closed. I could not let myself think that way. Not here, and not now. It was simply inappropriate. I was just going to have to try my hardest to stay focused on the task at hand. It was far too dangerous to get involved emotionally with someone like this. Especially when both of our lives were on the line.
Keldon Marcsu had said more than once how grateful he was that if any other Raither tried to lay a hand on me, he would be able to have them executed, by law, and we would both have to watch the show. That was a Raither tradition I could possibly be looking forward to if I allowed myself to continue thinking this way and I especially did not want to put Rax and that sort of danger. All for an ill-fated tryst with someone who needed this mission to be a success. Not for himself, but for the people he cared the most about. That was something that I could admire, and so, I forced myself to fall asleep, trying to save all of my hard thoughts for the morning light.