Chapter Nine
Ronan
From my bed, I listen to the deep voice by the door. The man is big and strong and has brown eyes like me. The lady who looks after us said he is my father. But I do not know him. I know nothing but these four walls. And these three other lads beside me.
And this lady. The nice lady who looks after us, but tells us not to speak.
I do not even know her name. But she’s all I’ve ever known. This lady and these four walls. She is not my mammy. I do not know who my mammy is. But this man, she says, is my da.
He comes to the bed where I am and sits beside me. I curl my knees up and look at him, wondering if he’s come to take me home. This place is all I’ve ever known, but these other lads, they say that they came from other homes. They say I must have a home too, somewhere.
“You are a good lad,” the man says. “I’ve heard many reports about you, my son.”
“Am I coming to live with you now?” I ask him.
“No,” he says. “You will continue to live here until you finish training. This is the way soldiers are made.”
They always tell me the same words, but I don’t understand them.
“I have something very important I need ye to do for me today, son.”
“What is it?” I ask.
He holds out his hand, and I stare it.
“Come with me,” he says.
“To where?”
“Today marks a special day. Today you are eight years old. And today your training will begin.”
He takes my hand in his. It’s warm and big and it feels strange. I don’t think I ever remember someone touching me before. The lady who feeds us never touches us. She says it is not allowed.
My da opens the door, and I freeze.
“I am not allowed to go out the door,” I tell him.
He smiles at me. “Today you are, son.”
I don’t want to go out there. But he pulls me through and shuts the door behind us. The air is warm, and it smells strange. Everything feels strange. My eyes try to adjust to the darkness as I’m pulled along.
When we turn the corner, there is a large fire blazing. And people. A lot of people. I’ve never seen them before, but they are all staring at me.
My father kneels down in front of me and meets my eyes. “Do ye remember everything the lady has been teaching you in that room, son?”
I nod. I always listen carefully so I don’t miss anything she says.
“So ye remember then that we must make sacrifices to prepare for a better future. And today, Ronan, you will become known by another name. You will become a man. A future soldier. And after tonight, you will not see me again until you finish training.”
“But I only just met you,” I argue.
“This is the way soldiers are made,” he says.
His eyes are wet and it makes me nervous.
“I know that you will do me proud, Ronan.”
He musses the top of my hair and then leads me towards the people. They are split into two groups, and between them is a large pit. A beam lies across the center like a bridge, only it’s very narrow.
“You stand here,” my da says. “And I’m going to walk to the other side. And when I tell ye to, you must walk across that beam towards me, Ronan. And ye must only look at me as you do it. No matter what anyone says or does. You only look at me. And you cross the beam. Do ye follow?”
I nod, even though I really don’t.
He lets me go and walks around the pit, and the people are starting to yell things at me. They are all watching me. I try not to listen and do as my father says. When he tells me to, I steady my feet and move onto the beam.
When I look down below me, I get scared. It’s a long way down, and I don’t want to fall. My father directs me to move, and I try to remember everything the lady has taught us. That we must always do as we are told straight away without any hesitation.
I look at my da, and he’s holding out his hands. I move slowly and carefully towards him one tiny step at a time. But the people are talking louder now. Chanting. The rules that the lady has been teaching us. They are chanting them over and over as I cross the beam.
And then something hits me in the arm. It hurts and surprises me. But I don’t take my attention off my da. It happens again on my leg, and this time I notice it’s a small stone. The people are throwing them at me.
I don’t understand. But the chanting is getting louder, and my hands are sticky. I’m halfway across the beam. And then something wet hits me in the face. It smells like fruit, only rotten. I try to wipe it from my eyes, but something hits me in the leg as I do. And that’s when I lose my balance.
The last thing that I see before I fall into the pit below is the disappointed expression on my da’s face. And he was right. Because even when the men come and carry me back to the room and tell me that my leg is broken, I never see him again.
***
Conor tries to accompany me to my house, but I tell him to stay put. I just want to be alone. He apologizes again, and I disregard him entirely.
The drive home is short and quiet. Not many people know I live on the same street as Crow. I’ve followed him all my life. Ever since he found me in that bloody massacre of a church so many years ago. The memories are blurry at times, but occasionally sharp too.
I walk up the steps to my door and am greeted by the dog. When I collapse onto the sofa, she jumps into my lap and whines as she nudges me. I don’t know what she wants. I wish she would leave me alone, but I can’t bring myself to push her away.
“I suppose ye’re hungry again,” I tell her.
She whines in agreement and then curls up on my lap. It’s odd that it doesn’t bother me. I’ve never been around an animal before. But I know she’d never try to hurt me. So it doesn’t bother me.
My head falls back against the chair and I think of Sasha. The horrific thing that I’ve done which I’ll never be able to wash away.
The blood of others has never troubled me. I kill to protect the syndicate. Crow, Conor, Niall. The men who have been loyal to me. My brethren. But I’ve never hurt a woman.
I never wanted to hurt Sasha.
She didn’t come to me. She didn’t trust me enough to protect her from Donovan. Or to tell me that he knew our secret. I’ve been out of sorts since I learned the truth. I wanted to fault her for it. Shake her and demand that she tell me why. She was supposed to trust me. To understand that I would take care of her.
But now I know. I know exactly why.
She’ll never trust me again.
Two days come and go with calls unanswered before Crow comes knocking at my door. He lets himself in and sits down across from me.
The dog is in my lap, and he looks at her and then to me with a stupid grin on his face.
“I’m not keeping her,” I tell him.
“Ah sure,” he agrees. “She’s awfully fond of you though.”
I set her down on the floor and tell her to go away. She sits down and rests her head on my foot instead.
“Ye’re needed back at the club,” Crow says. “We have a shipment tonight, in case you forgot.”
“I haven’t forgot,” I tell him.
“Could have fooled me,” he says. “Being as I haven’t heard from ye in two days.”
“I’ve been busy.”
Silence falls between us, and I can’t look at him. Crow knows me better than anyone. He doesn’t judge me. Or blame me. He’s always let me be who I am and never asked me to change. But I’m still ashamed for what I’ve done.
“She’s fine, if ye’re wondering,” he says. “Mack’s checked up on her twice, as have I.”
I don’t reply, but his words make the tension in my muscles dissolve just a bit. Even if they shouldn’t.
“Do ye believe it would be the end of the world if you just talked to her, Fitz?”
“And what exactly would I have to say?” I reply.
“The truth. She could understand it if you gave her a chance to.”
“I still don’t understand it myself,” I tell him. “How can ye expect me to explain it to her.”
“Or that’s what ye like to say anyway,” Crow says. “Suit yourself.”
He stands and walks towards the door.
“Six tonight,” he says. “Don’t be late.”
I nod, and he pauses with his palm on the handle. “I guess it also won’t interest ye to know that Sasha wants to leave when her mom passes.”
I look up at him, trying to process his words. The tension that dissolved only moments ago returns with a new sort of pressure, and my head swirls with the frustration of trying to sort out this unfamiliar emotion.
“But as ye said, no point in talking about it,” Crow continues. “Just in case ye did care to know though, I told her yes.”